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Ice_Viking_117

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  • Favorite Fire Emblem Game
    Awakening

Allegiance

  • I fight for...
    Ylisse

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  1. After a bit of consideration, I will be revising the entire first six chapters to make Robin a much more interesting character. His presence is pivotal in the story and right now I am writing on a shaky foundation. I won't be posting any new chapters until the revisions are complete. Then, I'll post the revisions and continue writing. Any suggestions for major changes in the first six chapter soon are greatly appreciated!
  2. One of the biggest edits I have noticed is Robin's character. He's pretty boring. I'll need to make him a more assertive character at the beginning and set up more things about his abilities like him being incredibly smart or having the ability to summon elements (lightning magic). Also, I'll have to grow his attachment to Southtown and his home more so that he has more of an incentive to hunt down the raiders. Just some thoughts...
  3. Yeah, I think it is best to tone down Cynthia's jokes at her introduction a bit. Best would be to take out her trip, fall and Lucina's reaction to it. The humor there doesn't seem to match the tone. It definitely is a tough balancing act.
  4. Just finished the first chapter... A few spelling errors here and there and some commas need to be added in places, The first thing I noticed is a bit of a nitpick. The term 'broadsword' is actually referred to a variant of the rapier. The 'broadsword' has a different style of make then what I believe you were referring to as either an 'arming sword' or a 'longsword.' The 'broadsword' usually has a basket hilt but still similar blade width to an arming sword. Again, a bit of a nitpick, but the term 'broadsword' is usually incorrectly used to refer to what is actually either an 'arming sword' or 'longsword.' Bit of an "Um, well actually." moment. Second thing, there are a few awkward descriptions. Try to describe and set up a setting using less 'wordy' words per say. This is a bit of a personal preference so take with it what you will. So when the girl is cleaved in half, this is pretty much physically impossible with simple human strength. Now, this may have been your intention to show how strong the Risen (if that is the case, well done as you showed and didn't tell) but if not, this is a little jarring to the audience. Also, if the Risen are that strong as to be able to cleave someone clean in half, if Lucina were to block an slash with Falchion, then she would be sent flying and walk away with a few broken bones in her arms. This is fine as long as consistency is maintained. I actually really like the idea of having the Risen be incredibly strong and send a normal human flying. Another thing, Cynthia's character is out of turn for the situation. I get that she is upbeat and positive (again, that's her character), but considering the situation, it's tone deaf. The audience should be feeling shock, desperation, and sadness after the girl's gruesome demise but Cynthia kills the mood and makes the audience question what they should be feeling. Cynthia making a joke before realizing Lucina's position is fine, but the continued humor of her character is too much. The capitalized yelling is a bit over the top. Try to just use one to two exclamation marks. Well done at conveying Lucina's character. That's one of the biggest components that will keep an audience engaged; the character flaws and arcs. Also, well done at conveying the desperate tone (aside from Cynthia being a bit too humorous). The question of 'how did Chrom die,' or even 'who is Chrom' (to people who don't know the story) is set up very well. Overall, there's a good foundation here and it sets up the rest of the story as an introduction.
  5. Keep in mind that your story (if it is keeping in touch with modern/conventional storytelling) should follow a path of rising action. If you have not reached a climax yet, then continue to raise the stakes until you've reached a solid climax. (Although I have not read it yet so take this with a grain of salt when it comes to your particular story.) I'll get a better understanding once I read it.
  6. Once I get a chance, I'll read it and give some feedback. Are you continuing this work when you say that you're not quite sure where to take it?
  7. Glad you're enjoying it! What's the other work you're reviewing? I might be able to assist.
  8. Geez bro, did not expect this much of a response! Thank you! Prologue: Thanks! I expected this would be a better part of the story so far due to the lack of world building in the game. (Dane is Chrom's father, and as is it explained in the game and now the story, he isn't the best person.) Thanks for the compliments on imagery! Chapter 1: So for the record, Merek is meant to be a bit of a placeholder (you'll see him disappear later from the story later lol, not sure if I want him as a character in or not or if I should replace him with a character from the game like Stahl or something.) So in terms of the hunting and weapons (bow) used, I assure that these issues are not for a lack of knowledge on the subjects (I too am a fan of weapons and armor, historical or otherwise and have gone hunting a few times). Thanks for pointing out the inaccuracies though! I suppose I just threw in some of those numbers and details without thinking about them. I would argue however that many of these details are not simply unrealistic but rather not likely. But I digress. Hopefully this won't be an issue later down the line. I'll take the rest of the suggestions into consideration but I won't go back and edit until the first draft is finished. Thanks for all the help so far!
  9. Yup. In terms of romances, I am only really focusing on one (it will be a major part of the story) as I am trying to write the story as well a story focused on the protagonist, Robin. Also, many of the Shepherds may not be present or may not have large roles as I am trying to focus the story down to a one epic narrative (not a Game of Thrones like character saga). The story will focus on a one character POV, with other character arcs and plots added in on the side for depth and interaction. (This will make more sense as the story progresses.)
  10. I got you my man. Don't worry, you're not killing my inspiration/ideas. And to address why I did it, I felt as though the amnesiac aspect (whether it was thematic or not) was a little cheap to get Robin's past to be a mystery, but it didn't urke me as much as it might sound. I also did it because I am treating this "story mending project" we'll say, as practice. I want to veer away from clichés and tropes so I can write the most original and strongest FE Awakening story in my opinion. Also, many of the themes and plot points can be achieved without the amnesiac aspect. For example, Robin (in my story) still has no idea about his early birth circumstances and his family history so the reveal at the end of the story can still be a massive plot point without him having forgotten everything up until the point of Chrom finding him. Regardless of whether something is thematic or not, the story still deserves as much originality as possible, especially since the same effect can be achieved with or without the memory loss. Not a very structured response right there so I apologize.
  11. You make a good point in the thematic area. In the novelization, I haven't changed that theme, I've only changed the existence of his past. His past is lacking in events and full of fear, depressing in other words. This is because his mother, after escaping Plegia and Validar's grasp, shelters him and only tells him to be afraid of the world and to not venture out into it for fear of being found out as the vessel of Grima. (There are also hints at his mother abusing him but again, they are only hints.) He still learns to accept his past in the end. Instead of Grima being his ONLY past, his past is because of Grima. Now, granted I am coming up with a lot of this as I am writing it so many of these ideas will come in in the edits, so thank you for the advice, reminders, tips and overall discussion.
  12. Once you read it, you'll see that I've cut out a lot of story introduction clichés like, waking up, starting with a dream, starting at the end of the story, amnesiac protagonist, etc, but without changing the story too much (as in Robin still does not know that he is Grima; I change much of the story in other places though). World building is something that I think I have struggled with so far in the novelization so I'll be paying more attention to it in these next chapters (I'll be going back and editing mistakes after I finish the first draft.).
  13. Thanks for the tip! It makes a lot of sense. There is a lack of those moments in the first few chapters but I will definitely begin putting more of those moments in. Let me know if there's a specific scene where you think a tension relieving moment would work or if the work feels 'edgy' or too dark. Thanks for the responses! I'm looking for as much critique and advice as possible.
  14. After a big break for the holidays, I will hopefully be able to keep up with writing. Here is chapter 5!
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