Ice_Viking_117
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Posts posted by Ice_Viking_117
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Just got the next section out! Currently revising the first seven chapters!
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Welp, I am finally back and at it again...
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I think I'm a bit late to the party but I just finally got back into writing once again (I always go back to writing and music). I am currently working on the fully edited versions (through Chapter 6) of my Awakening Novelization, as well as an original work based in my own, original fantasy world centered around tons of different mythologies, themes and especially the size and creature types found in Soulsbourne franchise (a new found love of mine). I am also studying orchestral composition and film scoring in college that will hopefully keep the creative juices flowing.
- Ice_Viking_117
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After a bit of consideration, I will be revising the entire first six chapters to make Robin a much more interesting character. His presence is pivotal in the story and right now I am writing on a shaky foundation. I won't be posting any new chapters until the revisions are complete. Then, I'll post the revisions and continue writing. Any suggestions for major changes in the first six chapter soon are greatly appreciated!
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One of the biggest edits I have noticed is Robin's character. He's pretty boring. I'll need to make him a more assertive character at the beginning and set up more things about his abilities like him being incredibly smart or having the ability to summon elements (lightning magic). Also, I'll have to grow his attachment to Southtown and his home more so that he has more of an incentive to hunt down the raiders.
Just some thoughts...
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2 hours ago, Ottservia said:
it was more or less my intention. One thing you have to know about me is that I get a lot of my inspirations for action and fight scenes through anime and manga which aren't the most realistic things in the world. I mean realistically if something like this happened to you then you'd be dead.
but as you can see the guy is able to move just fine after being flung into a rockface at decently high speeds. I'm just saying realism really isn't my priority here. The girl being cut in half really is just for the sake of more gruesome imagery you know to really sell the dreadful mood I'm setting here.
I get your point but given the situation, introducing her in that moment just seemed like the right thing to do. I'm trying to get across the idea that Cynthia is a light to Lucina. Something precocious to her that she must protect at all costs. It's pretty much set up for a character parallel/foil relationship later on. I just don't really know how I would fix it in this instance especially given the context. I dunno you want me to tone it down?
this is something I've been trying to work on recently. Especially with action scenes and background information, it's kind of hard to determine how much description is truly enough. Cause sometimes a more minimalist approach works fine but then there are times when establishing these things are necessary as to not be confusing. It's a really tough balancing act.
Yeah, I think it is best to tone down Cynthia's jokes at her introduction a bit. Best would be to take out her trip, fall and Lucina's reaction to it. The humor there doesn't seem to match the tone.
It definitely is a tough balancing act.
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Just finished the first chapter...
A few spelling errors here and there and some commas need to be added in places,
The first thing I noticed is a bit of a nitpick. The term 'broadsword' is actually referred to a variant of the rapier. The 'broadsword' has a different style of make then what I believe you were referring to as either an 'arming sword' or a 'longsword.' The 'broadsword' usually has a basket hilt but still similar blade width to an arming sword. Again, a bit of a nitpick, but the term 'broadsword' is usually incorrectly used to refer to what is actually either an 'arming sword' or 'longsword.' Bit of an "Um, well actually." moment.
Second thing, there are a few awkward descriptions. Try to describe and set up a setting using less 'wordy' words per say. This is a bit of a personal preference so take with it what you will.
So when the girl is cleaved in half, this is pretty much physically impossible with simple human strength. Now, this may have been your intention to show how strong the Risen (if that is the case, well done as you showed and didn't tell) but if not, this is a little jarring to the audience. Also, if the Risen are that strong as to be able to cleave someone clean in half, if Lucina were to block an slash with Falchion, then she would be sent flying and walk away with a few broken bones in her arms. This is fine as long as consistency is maintained. I actually really like the idea of having the Risen be incredibly strong and send a normal human flying.
Another thing, Cynthia's character is out of turn for the situation. I get that she is upbeat and positive (again, that's her character), but considering the situation, it's tone deaf. The audience should be feeling shock, desperation, and sadness after the girl's gruesome demise but Cynthia kills the mood and makes the audience question what they should be feeling. Cynthia making a joke before realizing Lucina's position is fine, but the continued humor of her character is too much.
The capitalized yelling is a bit over the top. Try to just use one to two exclamation marks.
Well done at conveying Lucina's character. That's one of the biggest components that will keep an audience engaged; the character flaws and arcs.
Also, well done at conveying the desperate tone (aside from Cynthia being a bit too humorous).
The question of 'how did Chrom die,' or even 'who is Chrom' (to people who don't know the story) is set up very well.
Overall, there's a good foundation here and it sets up the rest of the story as an introduction.
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Keep in mind that your story (if it is keeping in touch with modern/conventional storytelling) should follow a path of rising action. If you have not reached a climax yet, then continue to raise the stakes until you've reached a solid climax. (Although I have not read it yet so take this with a grain of salt when it comes to your particular story.) I'll get a better understanding once I read it.
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Once I get a chance, I'll read it and give some feedback. Are you continuing this work when you say that you're not quite sure where to take it?
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10 hours ago, Deirdre an Bhróin said:
Now problem, really. I tried to be thorough where I could, and it just so happened to be a little more lengthy than I anticipated. Anyway, I hope the contents of the review is even in the least able to assist you. In the end, I couldn’t finish reviewing the chapter, but I will be posting that and proceeding with the reviews when the time arises!
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I’ll get to reading Chapter 6 now, and will post the rest of my review of Chapter 1 after I finish my assignments and write a review for another users fic. I will continue to write reviews, moving onto chapter 2 after I complete these things. I’m balancing this review with one for another fic, along with the priorities of life, therefore there is a bit of a gap in reviewing which I have not expected, but I’ll be sure to continue to support and write the reviews when the opportunities arise. There is no pressure in me doing so, btw, as I’m genuinely interested in your work!
Now to read Chapter 6!
Glad you're enjoying it! What's the other work you're reviewing? I might be able to assist.
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Chapter 6 is out.
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Geez bro, did not expect this much of a response! Thank you!
Prologue: Thanks! I expected this would be a better part of the story so far due to the lack of world building in the game. (Dane is Chrom's father, and as is it explained in the game and now the story, he isn't the best person.) Thanks for the compliments on imagery!
Chapter 1: So for the record, Merek is meant to be a bit of a placeholder (you'll see him disappear later from the story later lol, not sure if I want him as a character in or not or if I should replace him with a character from the game like Stahl or something.)
So in terms of the hunting and weapons (bow) used, I assure that these issues are not for a lack of knowledge on the subjects (I too am a fan of weapons and armor, historical or otherwise and have gone hunting a few times). Thanks for pointing out the inaccuracies though! I suppose I just threw in some of those numbers and details without thinking about them. I would argue however that many of these details are not simply unrealistic but rather not likely. But I digress. Hopefully this won't be an issue later down the line.
I'll take the rest of the suggestions into consideration but I won't go back and edit until the first draft is finished. Thanks for all the help so far!
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8 minutes ago, Deirdre an Bhróin said:
Now I have a clearer picture. It wasn't necessarily the "amnesia" theme which I felt was a favorable plot point, rather it was something which were enabled by it. To be exact, the things which make up the theme, why it was implemented, and what it impacts, without the whole "his brain don't work lol" aspect meaning much in terms of that bigger picture. The big reveal to Robin's past is one of those things, as I mentioned in my initial post and was curious to see how it would be implemented, considering I had assumed it to be removed because the "amnesia as a whole" was gone, if that makes sense lol.
I think it's best for you to write the story in the way you choose either way. I think choosing to expand upon a world/characters/themes/etc of Awakening is a great way to practice, especially since you'll have a clear understanding of "what I enjoy in game" and "what I enjoy in my works". My advice would be to not compromise those "likes" for the sake of presenting something "original". For instance, if you really like Aversa's JP personality, then you shouldn't go ahead and write her in as the US character. Or when it comes to shipping, don't feel you have to go the generic "Chrom/Sumia" (though I'm a personal fan of this lol), "Liz/Frederick or Lon'qu" or "Henry/Olivia", etc routes for the sake of writing something you "haven't before". As for shipping, you can explore this in any way you choose, as in any pairing and any topic, and not being constrained to pre-existing support chains for character interactions dynamic if something else tickles your fancy. I suppose I'm saying "write what you want" again lol.
My replies are hardly structured, therefore feel free to vomit whatever words you please. I'd say my reading comprehension is average enough that I can understand word vomit just fine.
Yup.
In terms of romances, I am only really focusing on one (it will be a major part of the story) as I am trying to write the story as well a story focused on the protagonist, Robin. Also, many of the Shepherds may not be present or may not have large roles as I am trying to focus the story down to a one epic narrative (not a Game of Thrones like character saga). The story will focus on a one character POV, with other character arcs and plots added in on the side for depth and interaction. (This will make more sense as the story progresses.)
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1 hour ago, Deirdre an Bhróin said:
I'll be sure to keep this in mind while reading. I'll also compare and contrast it to what is present in the introduction in Awakening to gage what aspects I'd come to prefer and why.
It's quite interesting that among all those changes, Robin's amnesia is removed. It makes sense to me in a narrative perspective, as it is a really played out concept, but this is done for a reason. It's a method which builds anticipation towards characters thoughts, and even within Awakening, Robin discovering his past is a pretty large plot point. If you don't mind sharing, why is this aspect changed and how do you intend to address the aspects related to it within the game now in the novel setting? Just saying "it's my personal preference/aesthetic" is a response I'd except btw, as a lot of writers do not wish to engage in cliché's for those same reasons, which I think is valid. I just think an explanation would be interesting/of value, even if you answer with "personal preference."
To address, I'm 100% in support of you making changes to whatever you wish. It's your work, and not an official product, therefore you should feel unrestrained to include what appeals to you. I'm not saying there is no value in getting advice, critiques, or overall opinions of others, as they will ultimately serve to influence your thoughts and work based on what information you choose to practice in full. Essentially, it's a fanfiction, so don't feel pressured, do you.
Archanea games overall have a rich lore and the most expansive world in FE imo, therefore I think it would be quite easy for you to even seek the previous titles as reference. There is also a lot to discuss when it comes to how the world is constructed in Awakening, and how serenesforest feels about what should be included in that construction, but once again its up to whatever you choose. Even if you construct an even shittier (as in for the audience to engage, not the characters within the story) world, it's up to you to mend it or not.
I may have sounded a little pushy w/ the whole Robin amnesia thing, but as you can see that wasn't my intention and I'm not trying to kill your inspiration/ideas (as shown by my multiple instances of "you do you" lol.)
I got you my man. Don't worry, you're not killing my inspiration/ideas.
And to address why I did it, I felt as though the amnesiac aspect (whether it was thematic or not) was a little cheap to get Robin's past to be a mystery, but it didn't urke me as much as it might sound. I also did it because I am treating this "story mending project" we'll say, as practice. I want to veer away from clichés and tropes so I can write the most original and strongest FE Awakening story in my opinion. Also, many of the themes and plot points can be achieved without the amnesiac aspect. For example, Robin (in my story) still has no idea about his early birth circumstances and his family history so the reveal at the end of the story can still be a massive plot point without him having forgotten everything up until the point of Chrom finding him. Regardless of whether something is thematic or not, the story still deserves as much originality as possible, especially since the same effect can be achieved with or without the memory loss.
Not a very structured response right there so I apologize.
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35 minutes ago, Ottservia said:
I actually like the fact that Robin has amnesia from a thematic perspective. Because one theme awakening heavily leans into is overcoming the past but Robin at the start of the story has no past. He's got amnesia. He doesn't know what his life was like before. He doesn't really have an identity. Grima is that past because Grima is Robin who couldn't escape the past who couldn't defy fate. The whole point is that his past is reflected in Grima. Finally learning of his past is a big revelation in the story. He learns Validar is his father who is a figure of his past and he tries to run away from it. He tries to deny it. It's only when he accepts his past(by killing Grima himself) that he's finally able to overcome his past and be free from it.
You make a good point in the thematic area. In the novelization, I haven't changed that theme, I've only changed the existence of his past. His past is lacking in events and full of fear, depressing in other words. This is because his mother, after escaping Plegia and Validar's grasp, shelters him and only tells him to be afraid of the world and to not venture out into it for fear of being found out as the vessel of Grima. (There are also hints at his mother abusing him but again, they are only hints.) He still learns to accept his past in the end. Instead of Grima being his ONLY past, his past is because of Grima.
Now, granted I am coming up with a lot of this as I am writing it so many of these ideas will come in in the edits, so thank you for the advice, reminders, tips and overall discussion.
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2 hours ago, Deirdre an Bhróin said:
I haven't gotten to reading it, but if the beginning chapters follow the trend of opening with the endgame, I think it would be appropriate to leave out some lighthearted elements. Though the chapters after I recall establishes the Shepherds which is the perfect time to ease that tension that is present in the prologue. Also a great way to introduce character dynamics, which contains a lot of fun interactions in the games. This part of the game I establishes Ylisse as well, which can begin to build the world a bit, which I think the game struggles with.
Once you read it, you'll see that I've cut out a lot of story introduction clichés like, waking up, starting with a dream, starting at the end of the story, amnesiac protagonist, etc, but without changing the story too much (as in Robin still does not know that he is Grima; I change much of the story in other places though). World building is something that I think I have struggled with so far in the novelization so I'll be paying more attention to it in these next chapters (I'll be going back and editing mistakes after I finish the first draft.).
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8 hours ago, Deirdre an Bhróin said:
@Ice_Viking_117 Though I'm really late, I'd like to agree with that old tip.
Witty dialogue for witty characters is always a plus to ease tension, especially when you want to make a really impactful scene. I think a lot of fanfiction and fanfiction-esque (I'd say you and I fall into this category) writers tend to make the mistake when we first write (especially as young kids/teens) is the overall tone becomes very edgy if not at a constant tense state. When this happens, it becomes increasingly difficult for us and our writing abilities to construct impactful and tense scenes. The tone is present throughout, and even if you actively search for those big moments, the audience becomes tone-deaf to these. Fun scenes where characters can be human and have these highs in life refreshes the tone and makes everything hit even harder. I'll check this out ASAP, since I'm a fan of novelization/manga format of FE, be it the official books or fan works!
Thanks for the tip! It makes a lot of sense. There is a lack of those moments in the first few chapters but I will definitely begin putting more of those moments in. Let me know if there's a specific scene where you think a tension relieving moment would work or if the work feels 'edgy' or too dark.
Thanks for the responses!
I'm looking for as much critique and advice as possible.
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After a big break for the holidays, I will hopefully be able to keep up with writing. Here is chapter 5!
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Very enjoyable! I read the whole thing. Good use of voice for each individual character.
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18 hours ago, Sir Gerwald of Vallora said:
I found it. I was wondering if you wete going to put this up. I'll ptobaly give it a read to see how you handle this.
Thanks man! Be as honest as possible with it, I will edit it the crap out of it once I've finished the story.
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The Prologue is now up on Wattpad to read! The title of the book is "Fire Emblem, Awakening".
The first draft of chapter one is almost complete!
Thanks!
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A new section is available to read! The Prologue!
Let me know what you guys think and if it should be shortened, lengthened (keep in mind that it is not meant to be chapter length), needs to be written more clearer etc.
Thanks for taking your time to read!
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Please post any feedback here for the book. Thanks!
I definitely want as much as possible so I can write it the best it can be.
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35 minutes ago, Azure loves his Half Elves said:
I will certainly follow this.
I was wondering about doing something like this with FE: Three Houses’s Blue Lions route, tbh. I was thinking of having the story take place from the perspectives of Byleth and Dimitri (with their perspectives switching from one to the other).
However, I’ve a lot on my plate, so that will be for another day.
Thanks!
If you ever do start something like this with Three Houses, I'll definitely be behind it! Let me know if you start working on it.
Author's Website
in Written Works
Posted · Edited by Ice_Viking_117
had to take out an 'n' in the website url
As the title suggests, I have created an author's website for myself to promote an original work I am writing and the unofficial Awakening novelization! Stop by and read my first blog post on Coppola's 'Apocalypse Now!'
I am planning on writing a blog post on a fire emblem game or the franchise as a whole.
You can read a teaser of my original work on my website!
Thanks!
Website:
www.channinggreene.com