Hanz Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Congratulations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hanz Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 That is good to hear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hanz Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Sometimes I wonder where you get all this stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hanz Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lolDeath Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 ><><> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hanz Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year, it's a doll: half girl, half unicorn. Catch phrase: "my horn can pierce the sky." Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the past couple of weeks, and, as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them, at an enormous profit. Isn't that right, princess? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lolDeath Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 It's like you're a batshit crazy ALICE forum bot, this is funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hanz Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florete Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones. I'd totally sig this if I had room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hanz Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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