xanatha Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Just read the next part. I really enjoy this story! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 (edited) Get ready, because from now on the story will parallel PoR and will give explanations to all sorts of unknown things in the story. And now members will be appearing quite frequently in the story. Edited February 1, 2009 by Urvan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Get ready, because from now on the story will parallel PoR and will give explanations to all sorts of unknown things in the story. And now members will be appearing quite frequently in the story. Sounds great! That's what I like so much about your story! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karino Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Name: Karino Class: Myrmidon Description: Black hair with long bangs, and a blue sleevelss tunic with black bracelets. Also has baggy pants. That is, if this entry is not to late. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 Name: KarinoClass: Myrmidon Description: Black hair with long bangs, and a blue sleevelss tunic with black bracelets. Also has baggy pants. That is, if this entry is not to late. I already ended sign-ups, but I could include you as an enemy. You'd be a swordmaster and a member of an assassins guild. But, you might not make it through Part 1 alive... if that's ok with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karino Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 I liked the ending of the newest chapter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 You'll be appearing in the next part, so stay tuned. I might have it up tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 I read the story. It was fascinating. I only found a few mistakes, but I am not gonna point them out, they are not worth mentioning. And yes, I like the way you made Rad appear, the part where he is showing the princess his wyvern was awesome. So was the rest of the story, especially when he finds out the princess is not really a princess. XD Keep it up, Ragnell, you have a bright future ahead of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karino Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Ah, almost killed 'em. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 (edited) Some more comments: Adam stowed his bow in his quiver and walked up next to him A quiver is where the arrows are stored; I doubt there would be room for the entire bow to fit in. Trent shouted out, “Hey him, “Where’s I could have sworn I told you about this. Allen looked around and, finding nothing that needed work said simply, “Do as you please. For tonight, we finally can rest.” "Allen looked around; finding nothing that needed work, he said. "Do as you please. For tonight, we can finally rest."" Allen sighed, “Very well, pack everything up, and let’s head to the west.” Normally, these attributes of speech come after the quotes: “Very well, pack everything up, and let’s head to the west,” Allen sighed. In fact, the appointment of the new king of Kilvas usually had nothing to do with bloodlines. The strongest raven in the country usually got the position, and that most certainly was not Princess Kilvas. Show, don't tell. There were some potentially interesting things there that you just threw away. Kilvas stared interested at the three, "Kilvas stated with interest at the three," She looked up at him and asked, “So… do you need help with anything else?” Helping others is the work of servants. Why would anyone high on the social ladder be so concerned? She clearly was not raised well if she does not know her place. I'm starting to spot a Mary-Sue here in general. Heroines can be such death-traps for some writers work. A quote to further explain this nobility issue. 3) Make him aware of his own power. I adore Dave Duncan for the A Man of His Word quartet in general, which has two of the only teenage fantasy characters in existence I do not want to slap, but also for the small ways in which he develops his princess character, called Inosolan. (This guy is GOOD. Inosolan is an only daughter who’s being forced to marry, who has special-colored eyes, and who could have powerful magic, and I adore her to pieces). In one scene early in the first book, Inosolan, who’s been brought to a kind of mainland “finishing school” from her island kingdom, tries to make friends with the servants around her. Her own polar kingdom, Krasnegar, is so small and isolated that the servants and their children are all her friends, so she sees nothing wrong with this. It’s her aunt, Kade, who explains gently that Inos is making the servants confused; they don’t know how to act around her, since Inos also still expects them to bring her what she wants.Consider this the next time you have a prince who “doesn’t see any difference” between a servant and himself, or a female general who for some reason wants to get all chummy with a new recruit. There is a palpable difference between them. That difference relies on power. A prince could wave to a shopkeeper’s daughter as he passes each day, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t buy out her whole shop if he wanted. A general could dismiss a recruit in an instant, and if it was her word against his, his would be ignored. A good ruler will not simply expect everyone around him to act as his best buddy at one moment and his servant at the next. He’ll be aware of the effect he has on people, and what it might mean for someone whom he invites to “tell him what she really thinks.” Anyone involved with him could be in remarkable danger—if not physical danger from his enemies, than danger of spite and envy from people who also want his favor. When he’s talking to someone actively opposed to him, like a ruler of a hostile country or a criminal, make him remember the situation. These are not his bestest buddies. I don’t care how compassionate he is. If he makes a mistake in judgment, more lives than his ride on the outcome. I suppose that last sentence sums up this point, really: Make him act as a leader as well as a private citizen. Please remember the issue of the class system in the future. And yes, I like the way you made Rad appear, the part where he is showing the princess his wyvern was awesome. So was the rest of the story, especially when he finds out the princess is not really a princess. XD /Snigger. Edited February 4, 2009 by Shuuda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Nice! I love it when it comes to Kilvas! Will Naesala be in, too, soon? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karino Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Some more comments:A quiver is where the arrows are stored; I doubt there would be room for the entire bow to fit in. Actually, when a bow is unstrung, it can fit in the quiver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Actually, when a bow is unstrung, it can fit in the quiver. Well, it wasn't unstrung. But I could swear I have heard that bows can often be stored alongside the arrows in a quiver. Oh, found it: Sometimes, particularly in those that hang on a saddle, the quiver has a compartment for holding the bow itself. Anyways, about Princess. While your point, Shuuda, is correct, she is more freedom seeking than a normal noble. While I admit I kinda' stretched things with her meeting Rad, she's a lonely teenager who just wants to do something, regardless of whether that is normal for her class. But I'll keep that in mind in the future. Actually, you've inspired a new tidbit in my story, thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Sometimes, particularly in those that hang on a saddle, the quiver has a compartment for holding the bow itself. It does not say anything about the bow being inside the quiver. The compartment it speaks of might be something on the outside of the quiver where the bow might be clipped onto etc. They may have a rack to hold your bow There maybe a rack to hold the bow; but the bow does not go inside the quiver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks Shuuda^ And by the way, if anyone sees any plot contradictions between this story and PoR, let me know. I'm trying to make this story fit perfectly with the canonical version of PoR (the one RD follows after--all characters live, volke is recruited, etc.). If you see any problems, let me know. I'll do all I can to fix them without fully destroying the story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Hah hah... Unbelievable. I'm quite slow at reading, but when it comes to politic and politic-guys, then I'm just stuck! I hate politic! But take no offence! Even though I don't like reading about it, I think it's great that you had it in. You've written this stiry from many angles, and that is great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karino Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Hah hah... Unbelievable. I'm quite slow at reading, but when it comes to politic and politic-guys, then I'm just stuck! I hate politic!But take no offence! Even though I don't like reading about it, I think it's great that you had it in. You've written this stiry from many angles, and that is great! You spelled story wrong... Anyway, I totally agree with that statement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted February 7, 2009 Author Share Posted February 7, 2009 Yeah, I'm not a big fan of it either. But I noticed that I couldn't just put in fight scene after fight scene, so I had to mix it up a little. But don't worry, there's not too much more of that. Hey, do you think I should post some symbol when I switch characters? I'm going to be jumping around a lot, so I hope no one gets lost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 You spelled story wrong... Oops! Sorry! Well, as you've appearently figured out already, I meant "story"! Hey, do you think I should post some symbol when I switch characters? I'm going to be jumping around a lot, so I hope no one gets lost. Well, that's a good idea, but I think it's pretty easy to realize which characters you're using! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riariadne Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 Thanks Shuuda. That was totally confusing me. As for being short, I get what you mean. That's actually a problem I usually have. I suck at going into big descriptions about scenes, because I want to get to the action. Apparently, though, I forced myself to explain a scene a bit too much! Can I add that the way you were originally using commas is actually correct if you're using American English? And I know you said it's late (and I know Shuuda said he thinks its dumb, but I don't care what he says anyway), but if you can, could I be in you're story? Aaaaanyway, I think that so far your story is excellent. I haven't seen any noticeable grammar errors so far, and I think it is a interesting story. Keep up the good work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Oh, I love this! I might overreact, but I get these warm feelings when it comes to the original Fire Emblem story! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Sorry 'bout the long wait since I last posted. I've had a bunch of schoolwork and orchestra practices on top of that. I'll try to get another post in tonight. Two if I'm fast enough. And I love FE9 too. That's one of the reasons I wanted to write this story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Sorry 'bout the long wait since I last posted. I've had a bunch of schoolwork and orchestra practices on top of that. I'll try to get another post in tonight. Two if I'm fast enough.And I love FE9 too. That's one of the reasons I wanted to write this story. Will it continue with Radiant Dawn too? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnell Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 (edited) Will it continue with Radiant Dawn too? Indeed it shall. I originally planned for just FE9, but I decided I couldn't truly end it until the end of RD. But it may take me a while to figure the rest of the story out and write it. Edited February 13, 2009 by Urvan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xanatha Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Indeed it shall. I originally planned for just FE9, but I decided I couldn't truly end it until the end or RD. But it may take me a while to figure the rest of the story out and write it. Great! But please, take your time! I'm sure it'll be great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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