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Deity

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Deity Newbie

Deity

Posted
Posted (edited)

So this will be the feedback thread, eventhough I only get some from a few of you...and Shuuda. XD

Anyway, what this story is about is mainly about FE style stuff. Think of the world as being F-Emblemish.

I dunno if I will be using the same old map as always, its getting old. I might use it, or I might go with Elibe.

I would speak more on the plot, but that would be unfair, since I want it to be said in the story. To find out about it, you will have to read the whole thing.

Dissolution is about that, the world breaking apart and eventually coming to an end. It speaks about princes and princesses of the realms, of the lives of a few characters (Those that wish to join as them), and how all chaos, or hell, breaks loose. Even if Shuuda does not sign up for it, I'm gonna throw his ass in there, cause he is gonna be a companion of my party, and he is gonna be similar to what he is here in the forest, a tough-as-nails sob. As a matter of fact, many SF members that dont even sign up will make appearances. Short appearances and perhaps bad endings for those that do not sign up, and great and long appearances in the story for those who do.

So anyway...Yeah. =D Sign up like...Nao, you wont be disappointed =D

I'll leave a character sheet for those who want in.

Name

Age

Gender

Height

Weight

Character Description

Special Items

Class

Affinity

Bio: If you want, only.

Edited by Quetzalcoatl
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Yuli Newbie

Yuli

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Posted

Name: Davis

Age: 36

Gender: Male

Height: Tall

Weight: Heavy

Character Description: Davis is a tall, silent knight. Although it makes him slow to move, he wears an enchanced armor that allows him to deal killing blows and renders physical attack into nothing. As a loyal soldier, he obeys commands without hesitation.

Special Items: Armor that enchances strenght and absorbs physical damage.

Class: General

Affinity: Water

Wanna be evil again. >:3

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Not Changed by VASM :( Newbie

Not Changed by VASM :(

Posted
Posted (edited)

Name: Toa Lord "TLS" Sothe

Age: 15/16

Gender: Male

Height: 5'9

Weight: 190 Lbs

Character Description: Brown Hair, Brown Eyes, Green Myrmidon Cloths (FE9/10 Myrmidons mind you)

Special Items: Killing Edge

Class: Myrmidon

Affinity: Fire

Bio: Sarcastic, Perverted, yet somehow likable.

Ending: Either let me get hitched, Or let me die in a really shitty way.

Edited by Toa Lord Sothe
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noremaC Newbie

noremaC

Posted
Posted

Name

Age: 17

Gender: Male

Height: 6 foot 2

Weight: 186

Character Description: Dirty blond hair, blank look on his face

Special Items: huge red and black axe

Class: Reaver

Affinity: Ice

Bio: Humorous and smart, has terrible temper, when he gets angry goes into a furious rage, attacking everything in sight.

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Ragnell Newbie

Ragnell

Posted
Posted

Name: Adam (if on Tellius or similar place) Ragnell (if Elibe or anywhere else)

Age: 15-17 you choose, it doesn't matter to me.

Gender: Male

Height: 5' 10"

Weight: 140 lbs

Character Description:Dark brown (almost black) hair, and brown eyes. He is fairly short and thin. His hair hangs down to his neck in the back, and reaches his eyebrows in the front

Special Items:Tornado

Class: Wind Mage/Sage

Affinity: Ice

Bio: (you can change any of this if you want) He is a young mage who, after hearing legends of a ultimate wind tome, set off to find it and learn the powerful magic. He is quiet and calculating and hates being wrong or failing, to the point that he sometimes fails to act. Ragnell tries his best to be kind to everyone, but ends up angry at those who annoy him. He doesn't particularly like fighting, and prefers to just read and practice magic.

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Deity Newbie

Deity

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Ok, so lets see...

We got: Adam, Wobbufet's no name character, TlS, Davis lol, Shuuda, me and all the others that signed up in the other thread. And we also have those that did not sign but will suffer greatly in the story, muahahaha. ^^

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Shuuda Newbie

Shuuda

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Posted
Even if Shuuda does not sign up for it, I'm gonna throw his ass in there

I am sorry but that would require my permission, and I certainly am not giving it to you.

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Steven Tyler Newbie

Steven Tyler

Posted
Posted

Fuck it, I'm just gonna copypasta some of my shit in SE

Name: Ben

Age: 19

Gender: Male

Height: 6'2

Weight: 280

Character Description: the only black man in this middle ages story! Fair dark skin, short neat hair, brown eyes and a bit heavy in terms of weight.

Special Items: Light Brand, Brave Lance

Class: Dragon Lord

Affinity: Wind

Bio: Benjamin is a mercenary solider on the heroes' enemy side. Ben was once a proud Lord of his nation until an enemy kingdom invaded his homeland, killing tens of thousands, including defenseless orphaned children in the local churches on his nation. He is seeking revenge upon that nation and has a strong hatred towards anyone who is involve with the enemy kingdom.

There was a rumor floating around from a nation stating that the lord on the player's side was related to the kingdom that destroyed Benjamin's motherland. Blinded by revenge and not listening to reasoning, Benjamin quickly joined the nation's army as a stand alone mercenary in exchange leading to information and the chance to kill the lord.

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Ether Collaborator

Ether

Posted
Posted

Name:Ether

Age:25

Gender:Male

Height:6'5

Weight:260

Class:Sentinel

Description:Long blonde hair tied back in a braid,ice blue eyes.

Armor:Crimson red studded leather armor from hear to toe(black studs),as well as Ebony black Helmet,and

Plate Mail on chest and legs,as well as arms and shoulders.Very tall and Muscular.

Special Items:Ryussei: Prf Lance inherited from his father,With a bloody red blade and black shaft.it is comparable to a legendary weapon.

Affinity:Fire

Bio:General in a non-evil country,joins the party when he is defeated in battle and saved from the brink of death.

Alignment : Good

Is that everything I need?

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TLSothe Newbie

TLSothe

Posted
Posted

Name: Sean Athsen

Age: 19

Gender: Male

Height: 6' 2"

Weight: 210...Muscular, not fat.

Character Description: A man with a dark tone to his appearance. Upon meeting him, you would fear at first. He talks slowly, in a mysterious voice.

Special Items: A magic bow, and a sword made from purest of pure steel?

Class: Ranger < Hero

Affinity: Dark

Bio: Not much is known about the pirate mercenary, Sean Athsen. He murdered a pirate Captain, Lakindra, at sea, and ever since then he's been killing. And he's damn good.

I'll post Alexis' for her soon.

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Deity Newbie

Deity

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  • Author
Posted
Name: Sean Athsen

Age: 19

Gender: Male

Height: 6' 2"

Weight: 210...Muscular, not fat.

Character Description: A man with a dark tone to his appearance. Upon meeting him, you would fear at first. He talks slowly, in a mysterious voice.

Special Items: A magic bow, and a sword made from purest of pure steel?

Class: Ranger < Hero

Affinity: Dark

Bio: Not much is known about the pirate mercenary, Sean Athsen. He murdered a pirate Captain, Lakindra, at sea, and ever since then he's been killing. And he's damn good.

I'll post Alexis' for her soon.

I thought I was using the captain and Alexis?

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Shuuda Newbie

Shuuda

Posted
Posted (edited)

Time for you to abandon all hope.

Style and Writing Errors.

1)

That morning 4 of the month of the turtle

Do not abbreviate numbers like that; when writing in formal prose you should type out the numbers in full, like "four" for example.

2)

dead-like forest

You could have used something simpler, either by just saying "dead forest" or by using a proper word to describe something that is dying or appearing to be dead.

3)

Ben noticed that autumn had all but passed here, and the leaves on trees were yellow and many of these on the ground

"Ben noticed that autumn had all but passed here; the leaves on the trees were yellow and many lay on the ground." Sounds better and is more condensed.

4)

Ben responded, the leaves making breaking sounds as both dragons walked over them.

"Ben responded. The leaves crackled as both dragons trampled them."

5)

House Finnigran was related to Rad's house.

Just showing that would have been better, using Rad reaction would have worked well.

6) Your prologue is basicly just a lame infodump. Why do you introduce Freohr Datia when she has no relevance to what happens in the first chapter? You should give characters a proper introduction when they appear, not in an annoying infodump.

Character and World Problems.

1)

"King Vincent of Vanezia is plotting against the laguz realm."

"He's always plotted something," Rad chuckled. "But the crow princess has always thwarted his plots."

I hope you realise how incredibly crap that sounds. Cliché evil king and good princess. Surely everyone must be sick and tired of tyrant kings who plot and perfect princesses who can do no real wrong.

2)

Rad in a fair fight one on one.

Seems kinda lame to have the hero as a fabulous fighter right from the start. The fact that no one can beat him in a fair fight (Meaning the villains will have to be their usual cliché selves and cheat.) makes Rad hard to sympathise with or find real.

3)

and because of their success as a working guild

Please do not tell me that all other guilds in the world are petty and jealous. Cliché, and once again take away realising and ambiguity; since the heroes are o' so successful and everyone else is nasty and jealous over it.

4)

mighty empire of Vanezia

Oh, an empire with an evil king, never heard that one before. ¬_¬

5) Infodump prologue... yes, you should stop doing these so much that it deserves to be mentioned twice.

6)

not had the chance at the academy in Vanezia.

Let me guess what will happen here: Freohr will become good at magic, and then the nasty people at the academy who stopped her in the past will regret because they are the villains who as always are wrong wrong wrong.

7) Forum member insertion as usual, enough said.

----------------

Now, to end my glance through your story, I will give you one tiny piece of advice:

MORAL AMBIGUITY IS AWESOME! IT'S INTERESTING! IT CAN MAKE STORIES MORE ORIGINAL! AND IT DOES NOT MAKE PEOPLE SICK!

Edited by Shuuda
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HowAreYaBud Newbie

HowAreYaBud

Posted
Posted
If that is the case, try reading some real fiction.

Sorry to sound insulting, but I completely agree with Mad Fredin and Art_Dragon: comments like what I quoted hurt more than they help.

I'm not an editor, alright? I read for entertainment. If it has a good plot, good characters, etc. I don't really care.

And I HAVE read real fiction >_>

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Shuuda Newbie

Shuuda

Posted
Posted
I'm not an editor, alright? I read for entertainment.

So, that is not an excuse to say someone's work is good when it really is not. That's unnecessary lying.

If it has a good plot, good characters, etc. I don't really care.

Well, that is part of my point, the plot and characters of this story are not what could be considered good so far.

And I HAVE read real fiction >_>

And yet you consider this good... then what you have read must have been pretty crap.

If you are going to make a positive comment, then atleast give some depth to it and say what you actually liked about it.

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