Feedback for Forgotten Worlds: Darkness Rising

[Deity]

Dark Kingdom feedback goes here. Express yourselves, I have learned to take criticism as it should be taken, as a way to get better and improve. ^^

I might correct any errors you people may point out, some I wont, if its not worth going back and editing.

Oh, and if you wanna post your character sheets here, go ahead. Otherwise, you will just be a random character described my way. ^^

I wont leave a link here, just use my siggy for the link to the story.

Edited January 8, 2009 by Zakelina

[TLSothe]

It's a good story, but the size/font thing is weird. Aside from that, it's really good.

[Deity]

It's a good story, but the size/font thing is weird. Aside from that, it's really good.

Oh, and its gonna get better imo, when the captain and Quetz are fighting off hordes of undead minions back to back.

I usually give the font a number 4 size, I think that it gives the reader a better view when reading and not a hassle with this original size. I might try number 5, but I will see how it looks. XD

[Fia]

The size is too big for my liking to be honest. Can't you just write in the normal size? Just a suggestion though.

[Deity]

The size is too big for my liking to be honest. Can't you just write in the normal size? Just a suggestion though.

Tbh, I could, but I hate the original size, that is why I up it up a little, make it bigger. My pc screen is an old one because I haven't had the time to upgrade, I usually dont go out that much. XD

So, since my pc resolution sux, I have a hard time typing and reading. XD And so that is why I make the font bigger. ^^

I might go down back to four in the next series of posts. :D

[TLSothe]

Instead of upping the size, why not use this? It's a bit bigger, I think.

[Deity]

Instead of upping the size, why not use this? It's a bit bigger, I think.

Its a font, right? Lemme check. XD

Looks good to me. I shall.

[Shuuda]

Well, time to get on with the feedback. And where better to start than the very first sentence:

To most of his students, Rad Quetz was simply amazing.

There are two very questionable things about this opening. First of all, the first word you use to describe your main character is "amazing". This is pretty bad for two reason: you simply tell it; having an opening scene where you properly introduced Rad would have been better, where you could actually show him being "amazing". And more importantly in my opinion: describing your main character as "amazing" without actually giving intelligent readers any reason to believe it screams Mary sue. Second of all, and the first thing you wrote was that most of the students think he is amazing: again, without giving anyone a reason to believe it at the start (By showing), it just does not float. The best thing to have done would be to have skipped that first bad paragraph, getting rid of the badly used descriptions. That way each reader could make their own judgement on the main character, instead of having this image forced down their throats.

Just as with your other work, you do far too much telling instead of properly showing it through actions and dialogue. For example, "Master Rad was quicker than he looked" was a completely unneeded sentence. Instead, it would have been better just have a scene where the readers can see this for themselves, which is what you do after that sentence I quoted; but once again, having "Master Rad was quicker than he looked" just shoves the image down our throats. I will not point out every example of where you unnecessary tell, or tell when showing would be better, since that would take too long.

Now onto your forum member insertion, and why it is a very bad thing. First of all, the names: many are crap, and seem to have no pattern according to any culture in this world (though I am guessing this is because your world-building is shallow). Yogurt for example, is a name no intelligent reader could take seriously, the same goes for Bread. Second of all, it adds the my suspicions of Mary-sues, Rad Quetz I suspect is the insertion of yourself, being that the surname is similar to one of your past usernames, and there are signs that point him toward being a Mary/Gary-stu main character (He is "amazing", he is also very powerful and is respected by everyone around him etc etc). As I believe Cynthia once said, forum member insertion is basicly forum member worship. And in my own opinion, it is a cheap way to try and get brownie points from all your buddies.

Yet again, a major problem I spot is that you are trying to shove what you think of things down our throats. For example, when you wrote "for it was true what the girl said" you seem sure that everyone will agree that Mr Crappy name was a coward. Yes, this is what the characters themselves may believe, and you showed that with the dialogue; but to then state in the narration what it is true feels a bit dodgy to me. Once again, leave the readers to form their own judgements on which character is right and wrong. Because of your pushing of Rad being great, and of Mr Crappy name being bad I can make some very easy predictions of what may happen. Mr Crappy name hates Rad, therefore he will either become a villain, or will be made to realise that he is wrong wrong wrong: because anyone who could possibly hate the "amazing" Rad must be wrong.

Now then, following on from that issue, is the issue of "good vs evil". I said it before, moral greyness is a good thing. You once said "A story needs to have good and evil characters"... that is a load of religious induced BULLSHIT. Good and evil are highly subjective things, all intelligent people know that. And to be honest, a story where both sides are human (Where both sides have well developed characters, motivations, and the readers could be sympathetic towards either side) make for far more interesting and intelligent stories. So please... cut the religious messages/propaganda/beliefs for your story, and write something interesting.

That is all I can be bothered to say for now.

Edited December 28, 2008 by Shuuda

[TLSothe]

Well, time to get on with the feedback. And where better to start than the very first sentence:

There are two very questionable things about this opening. First of all, the first word you use to describe your main character is "amazing". This is pretty bad for two reason: you simply tell it; having an opening scene where you properly introduced Rad would have been better, where you could actually show him being "amazing". And more importantly in my opinion: describing your main character as "amazing" without actually giving intelligent readers any reason to believe it screams mary sue. Second of all, and the first thing you wrote was that most of the students think he is amazing: again, without giving anyone a reason to believe it at the start (By showing), it just does not float. The best thing to have done would be to have skipped that first bad paragraph, getting rid of the badly used descriptions. That way each reader could make their own judgment on the main character, instead of having this image forced down their throats.

Just as with your other work, you do far too much telling instead of properly showing it through actions and dialogue. For example, "Master Rad was quicker than he looked" was a completely unneeded sentence. Instead, it would have been better just have a scene where the readers can see this for themselves, which is what you do after that sentence I quoted; but once again, having "Master Rad was quicker than he looked" just shoves the image down our throats. I will not point out every example of where you unnecessary tell, or tell when showing would be better, since that would take too long.

Now onto your forum member insertion, and why it is a very bad thing. First of all, the names: many are crap, and seem to have no pattern according to any culture in this world (though I am guessing this is because your world-building is shallow). Yogurt for example, is a name no intelligent reader could take seriously, the same goes for Bread. Second of all, it adds the my suspicions of Mary-sues, Rad Quetz I suspect is the insertion of yourself, being that the surname is similar to one of your past usernames, and there are signs that point him toward being a Mary/Gary-stu main character (He is "amazing", he is also very powerful and is respected by everyone around him etc etc). As I believe Cynthia once said, forum member insertion is basically forum member worship. And in my own opinion, it is a cheap way to try and get brownie points from all your buddies.

Yet again, a major problem I spot is that you are trying to shove what you think of things down our throats. For example, when you wrote "for it was true what the girl said" you seem sure that everyone will agree that Mr Crappy name was a coward. Yes, this is what the characters themselves may believe, and you showed that with the dialogue; but to then state in the narration what it is true feels a bit dodgy to me. Once again, leave the readers to form their own judgments on which character is right and wrong. Because of your pushing of Rad being great, and of Mr Crappy name being bad I can make some very easy predictions of what may happen. Mr Crappy name hates Rad, therefore he will either become a villain, or will be made to realize that he is wrong wrong wrong: because anyone who could possibly hate the "amazing" Rad must be wrong.

Now then, following on from that issue, is the issue of "good vs evil". I said it before, moral greyness is a good thing. You once said "A story needs to have good and evil characters"... that is a load of religious induced BULLSHIT. Good and evil are highly subjective things, all intelligent people know that. And to be honest, a story where both sides are human (Where both sides have well developed characters, motivations, and the readers could be sympathetic towards either side) make for far more interesting and intelligent stories. So please... cut the religious messages/propaganda/beliefs for your story, and write something interesting.

That is all I can be bothered to say for now.

Bolded a few spelling or grammar errors. Although, considering you are most likely using British English, only the misspelling of "basically" counts.

Edit: I like the story so far though, keep it coming. and kill that size

Edited December 28, 2008 by MattLocke

[Florete]

Bolded a few spelling or grammar errors. Although, considering you are most likely using British English, only the misspelling of "basically" counts.

Since you didn't actually add anything relevant to the topic, was there really a point to this? After all, you could've added a bit more feedback yourself or actually commented on Shuuda's post.

[TLSothe]

Since you didn't actually add anything relevant to the topic, was there really a point to this? After all, you could've added a bit more feedback yourself or actually commented on Shuuda's post.

I wouldn't normally respond to a Moderator post of that manner, but you asked a question.

Yes, I made that post to prove a point. Shuuda enjoys pointing out grammatical flaws, but he makes his own quite regularly. I suppose I should edit it though.

[Shuuda]

So you did it out of some personal grudge instead of any will to add to the topic; it is still spam, not to mention making a joke out of a well thought out post.

Well thank you very much: your idiocy has provided ömegablaster a lame excuse to disregard the post.

Edited December 28, 2008 by Shuuda

[TLSothe]

So you did it out of some personal grudge instead of any will to add to the topic; it is still spam, not to mention making a joke out of a well thought out post.

Well thank you very much: your idiocy has provided ömegablaster a lame excuse to disregard the post.

I have no grudge against you! Where do you get these ideas sometimes? ... I'm going to stop posting now.

[Deity]

Thanks for the feedback, guys, that should definitely help me improve with the rest of the story. I wont quote your posts, but know that I've taken into consideration what you've said.

Story Upcoming previews:

We shall be seeing Captain and several other characters make their appearance, as well as the rulers of the land. As to Rad, as the story moves along, you will see why he is "awesome"

I'd like to invite Shuuda into the story, but meh, he doesn't want to. Too bad, I could really use a character like him.

[TLSothe]

Shuuda can't really stop you from using him...

*Eagerly awaits update*

[Deity]

Shuuda can't really stop you from using him...

*Eagerly awaits update*

I know he cant, but then he's gonna cry over to some mod or Ad about me using him when he did not give permission and so on. ^^

[Gatrie: Guns Blazing]

I know he cant, but then he's gonna cry over to some mod or Ad about me using him when he did not give permission and so on. ^^

Im sure this could have been put a little differently.....but....eh

story's great. sometimes i get a little lost but that could just be my problem. keep it up

[Deity]

Im sure this could have been put a little differently.....but....eh

story's great. sometimes i get a little lost but that could just be my problem. keep it up

Thanks, Gatrie. I shall. Btw, you and Matt make an appearance together, on a ship. And I just cant wait until we unite and start splitting up wigs. ^^

[Shuuda]

I would not cry, I would merely report your story as offensive if you used me against my will.

[Deity]

I would not cry, I would merely report your story as offensive if you used me against my will.

Therefore, to avoid trouble, Shuuda does not make the cut.

[Fia]

Er, again the font is too....er, bold?

[Deity]

Er, again the font is too....er, bold?

Lol, yeah, I like it a little bold.

[Dathiason Kx]

Whoops, sorry. Didn't know there were feedback threads. Anyway, what are the requirements for handing in a character?

[Deity]

Whoops, sorry. Didn't know there were feedback threads. Anyway, what are the requirements for handing in a character?

Don't think long on it. ^^

And the requirements are simple, fill this sheet here and post your character here.

Name

Age

Gender

Class: These range from regular FE7 classes to laguz, dragons.

Inventory

Bio

Character Description (So I wont have trouble describing him/her, you can describe his looks fully)

My advice to you, is to read the story from the beginning and catch up, so you can know what heck is going on. ^^

[Dathiason Kx]

Alright, so like this?

Name-Jay

Age- 29

Gender- Male

Class: Swordmaster

Inventory- Steel Sword, Vulnerary 3x.

Bio- When Jay was just a little lad, his parents were killed by mercenaries, who proceeded to kidnap him, and raise him as their own. One of them, Lash, was his name, took him in like a son, and taught him of swordplay. He eventually grew strong enough that he began to fight the other mercenaries for respect, and gained much. On one mission, however, Lash disappeared, never to be seen again. Jay eventually quit the company, and left, working as a free lance mercenary, when he took a mission to take out an illegal bandit coup in Port Xin. Arriving there, he easily dispatched the mercenaries on the outside, but their leader was a surprise. It was Lash. However, Lash's brain had been warped by dark magics and he was no longer the same Lash that Jay knew. They fought, which led to Lash eventually getting killed. He now travels the world, training students in the way of the sword, but never really connects with any of them.

Character Description- (This good enough?)