Feedback for Forgotten Worlds: Darkness Rising

[Deity]

Oh yeah, this should definitely help me. Thanks, I'll write on him as soon as he comes into play, which will be sooner than you think.

[Dathiason Kx]

You're welcome. Next chapter soon?

[Deity]

You're welcome. Next chapter soon?

Actually, for this one I decided not to have chapters. Whenever you see the -xox- thingy, it usually means that that set of action has ended and that a new one with perhaps other characters will ensue. Its a big ass world and many peeps to talk about, so I go placing events as I go, not to mention the appearance of characters.

Note that I have not moved on from the first day of the story, it is still dark in all areas where I have written, the captain's ship, the torturing going on at the tower, Rad's ordeal and his trainees action at the temple/monastery.

Soon, many other characters will come into play, and soon, sooner than you think, all hell is gonna break loose. If I've made many of you wait for action, you will definitely see many in the posts to come, and believe me, its gonna be a looooooooooong story, if you get my meaning. ^^

I'll try to update some more in a while, perhaps get as far as introducing your character and several others. ^^

[Deity]

Sorry for the double post, but I am here to inform that this will be my next story's feedback thread. I just edited the name.

I only do this because seeing as to I dont get much feedback anyway, there is no need for me to make a new thread. For those who wish to post feedback, do so here, not in the story thread. ^^

Also, although I do read your feedback, it does not mean I will go and correct many of the things you might say. I know I don't make many mistakes, and I am too lazy to go fix anything anyway. Besides, I wont be getting feedback from many of you, as I said, so its ok.

Anyway, I will leave this open for those of you who wish to join as characters later in the story. I am using Forgotten Worlds as my story pre-name, because I want others to write stories using this world if it suits them. I wont be using many default characters like I use to, because perhaps later as time goes by, you might wanna join the world and make your own character appear in your own stories. I will simply add those of you who want in, period. Lux and Sean are in because this is the story about a trio of mercs. There will also be the presence of other friends, though not from this forum, other places.

[Shuuda]

To be honest; the title screams generic "good vs evil".

[Deity]

To be honest; the title screams generic "good vs evil".

I had no other name in mind, and it actually suits the story. It will all come clear as the story advances, although its not hard to tell what is gonna happen, is it?

[Shuuda]

I'll comment as I read:

The trio was superb in the arts of combat. They were renegades,

Show it, don't tell it.

that had never cared much about realm oaths or duties.

Show it, don't tell it.

To them, the governing structure of the realms had their flaws, and they did not share some of their way of reasoning.

Show it for fuck sake; this is boring just being told it without actually being able to see it for myself.

The leader of this group was known as Rad Quetz

Same old same old no doubt.

and though his two friends knew much about him, they still did not know where he came from or where he had been born. Rad did not speak much about his life to them, he was sort of quiet.

Show it. Honestly, introducing this stuff with some dialogue would work much better.

Lux Ord and Sean Storm

Again with this insertion crap? Do you not know how much more rewarding it feels to create a real character... no I doubt you do.

travelling or working, the two guys still kept their facial fairness, or their "charms" as the village girls liked to put it.

This made me lol. Their handsome, their rebellious, their "cool", and the women love them... bleh, stereotypical, overused and almost Gary-Stuish.

Rad did not stay behind when it came to charms, his many differences from the two Vanezians earned him most of the spotlight in many occasions.

Same as above really; but worse since he the main character and your own insertion. Talk about one hell of an ego trip.

To be honest, the leader really did not care much about girls

Show it.

Rad always ended up getting the best of the girls most of the time, though he had not bedded any as Lux Ord might have speculated.

Oh fucking lol! Just, kill this character please! He is just annoying to read about. He almost sounds like the epitome of the hero is too "brilliant" to be taken seriously.

A few points that do not have quotes:

1) If these people are renegades and rouges, why do they need to be mercenaries? Why don't they just pillage, rape and steal like other renegades would? Oh wait... that would given them a bad quality, and as heroes they cannot possibly have those. This is just too sanitized for characters who are rouges. Come on for goodness sake, they're criminals, make them behaviour like them... it would make them far more interesting.

2) The first two posts of that were sickening: all I could hear was "Rad is great! Rad is sexy... but he's also modest! He's soooo strong and handsome and smart!" Jeez, I though rouges were meant to be loveable bastards, not this shit. Way to shove his "brilliance" down the reader's throats; I almost wish I had choked on it.

3) The point of all that discussion on sex and whores? Other than of course to shove a moral down our throats. And again, far too sanitized for a talk on sex.

Do you actually think about your characters here? Do you even make any attempts to make them believable?

Edited January 8, 2009 by Man of the Year!

[Judge Judy]

Show it for fuck sake; this is boring just being told it without actually being able to see it for myself.

Oh fucking lol! Just, kill this character please! He is just annoying to read about. He almost sounds like the epitome of the hero is too "brilliant" to be taken seriously.

Was that really necessary? This is not the Far From the Forest section. Try not to resort to using those foul words to prove your point.

Doesn't make you seem professional.

Other than that, I do agree with some of the things you said.

[Shuuda]

I needed to give them more power to get the point across. I tell that "show it, don't tell it" to this guy all the time; but it never seems to hit him. But then again, he does not seem to take intro account anything that isn't praise... which would explain his lack of improvement.

All the stories he's tried to write are all pretty much the same, and share mostly the same issues.

Edited January 9, 2009 by Man of the Year!

[Judge Judy]

I needed to give them more power to get the point across. I tell that "show it, don't tell it" to this guy all the time; but it never seems to hit him. But then again, he does not seem to take intro account anything that isn't praise... which would explain his lack of improvement.

All the stories he's tried to write are all pretty much the same, and share mostly the same issues.

I feel your past grudges with this member is what making you give ''more power'' to get across your point. I don't see you behaving like this with other members with their stories.

Some members might not take your advise. So share your advise to those who will accept them and act upon those advise.

Using foul language is against the rules and I am afraid I will report you if you do this again.

Not having a go at you personally.

Edited January 9, 2009 by Judge Judy

[Deity]

@Lux: I can handle Shud. But thanks for coming and setting him straight.

@Shudda: I reported your post, because if I let you run loose here, you will simply continue to speak your nonsense here. My advice, read the story if you want, if not, then dont. I dont care about your negative thoughts nor the way you use bad words.

[Shuuda]

I don't see you behaving like this with other members with their stories.

That is because others who I give comments too can actually make improvements. Heck even TLS was capable of writing something better than he had in the past. They way I see it, he just needs a good kick up the rear end to help him on his way.

Some members might not take your advise. So share your advise to those who will accept them and act upon those advise.

The funny thing is that the people who would listen would probably not need it as much. Admittedly I do dig at this guy because he has expressed a notable ego over his writing; which needs a serious denting before he can start improving.

Report my post if you want, but it does not make it any less correct.

Face it Zakelina, you just cannot accept how bad you are. You never take into account my negative comments because you cannot stand the idea of not being good. You can run, but you cannot hide.

P.S: I knew you could not ignore me for long.

Edited January 9, 2009 by Man of the Year!

[Deity]

That is because others who I give comments too can actually make improvements. Heck even TLS was capable of writing something better than he had in the past. They way I see it, he just needs a good kick up the rear end to help him on his way.

The funny thing is that the people who would listen would probably not need it as much. Admittedly I do dig at this guy because he has expressed a notable ego over his writing; which needs a serious denting before he can start improving.

Report my post if you want, but it does not make it any less correct.

Face it Zakelina, you just cannot accept how bad you are. You never take into account my negative comments because you cannot stand the idea of not being good. You can run, but you cannot hide.

P.S: I knew you could not ignore me for long.

Tis not that I could not ignore you for long, its just that your little tirade had to be put to an end. Sure, you can come and post your feedback, all you want. Just do it without the use of such bad selection of words, this is not an all-mature site, you know? There are kids in SF as well. All you do is make a bad impression of yourself.

Also, if you want to flame me, why not do it by pm. Oh, but that is right, you blocked all communications from me since our first disagreement.

[Shuuda]

Sure, you can come and post your feedback, all you want. Just do it without the use of such bad selection of words

Two F words is hardly grounds on which to ignore the facts... stop making excuses. All you're doing is worming your way out with "Baww! Shuuda flamed me!". Of course, I knew you would use this to ignore my words and paint me as being wrong wrong wrong.

There are kids in SF as well

I'm sure they know all these "bad" words already.

Also, if you want to flame me, why not do it by pm

Oh please; neither F word was a flame. They were an indication of frustration. Stop twisting it.

I can guarantee that even if I did not use a single foul word, you would still have an excuse to ignore it.

Edited January 9, 2009 by Man of the Year!

[Shuuda]

Sorry for double posting, but I want to emphasis this as being separate from the previous posts. Now then, time for some comments on what I am reading:

activated one of his many invisible-like rings that he wore on his fingers and crashed right in.

First of all: "invisible-like"? Do you mean they are invisible or are they translucent? Second of all: stupidly convenient much? Heroes who can do things without pulling invisible magic rings out of nowhere are so much cooler to be honest.

Using his natural infrared spectrum, the renegade quickly located the pleader

Once again, do you actually know what a rogue/renegade is? Correct me if I am wrong, but aren't both rogue and renegade words used to describe things which are out of control (Like a rogue bull being on a stampede for example) or outlaws. In fact:

Rogue.

1. An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal.

Renegade.

# [noun] someone who rebels and becomes an outlaw

# [noun] a disloyal person who betrays or deserts his cause or religion or political party or friend etc.

Synonyms: deserter, apostate, turncoat, recreant, ratter

Yet your character do not reflect this; they just seem too goody good. Calling them mercenaries (and really, mercenaries and rogues are two very different things, after all, who would want to hire a dishonest man as a mercenary?) is all well and good, but do not use words that associate them to being criminals, when clearly they do not have the personality. I could certainly tell you what a real rogue or renegade might be like in personality and behaviour.

Yes yes, rogue and renegade might be cool words (used to make you characters even supa coolar!) But they just do not fit them.

Edited January 9, 2009 by Man of the Year!

[Deity]

Sorry for double posting, but I want to emphasis this as being separate from the previous posts. Now then, time for some comments on what I am reading:

First of all: "invisible-like"? Do you mean they are invisible or are they translucent? Second of all: stupidly convenient much? Heroes who can do things without pulling invisible magic rings out of nowhere are so much cooler to be honest.

Once again, do you actually know what a rogue/renegade is? Correct me if I am wrong, but aren't both rogue and renegade words used to describe things which are out of control (Like a rogue bull being on a stampede for example) or outlaws. In fact:

Rogue.

Renegade.

Yet your character do not reflect this; they just seem too goody good. Calling them mercenaries (and really, mercenaries and rogues are two very different things, after all, who would want to hire a dishonest man as a mercenary?) is all well and good, but do not use words that associate them to being criminals, when clearly they do not have the personality. I could certainly tell you what a real rogue or renegade might be like in personality and behaviour.

Yes yes, rogue and renegade might be cool words (used to make you characters even supa coolar!) But they just do not fit them.

As much as I want to just ignore you, I wont this time, cause I hate leaving you hanging. I am not a moron, I actually like responding to things people tell me irl, so I'll leave our dispute aside and answer.

Here is what my dictionary tells me:

Rogue: somebody dishonest: an unscrupulous or dishonest person, especially somebody who is also likable.

Rogue, would apply into Sean, Lux and Rad as the latter...likable persons.

Renegade:

1. traitor: somebody who abandons previously held beliefs or loyalties

2. rebel: somebody who chooses to live outside laws or conventions

No explanation needed for the word renegade as it would obviously apply to the three mercs, I said it almost exactly like that when the story began.

As to the word Merc, not all mercenaries are good.

Mercenary:

1. soldier or person fighting for money: a professional soldier paid to fight for an army other than that of his or her country

2. somebody interested only in profit: an employee who works only for personal gain

And, I guess you can say that the three mercs are killers, after all, they do kill for a living, even Rad, whom I always make as a justifiable person, I just haven't gotten to those parts yet, but I will.

Invisible is almost the same as translucent, yet the word translucent is defined as not entirely being completely invisible. Rad keeps his amulets in an invisible state, so that nobody can guess what he truly is. Anyway, I think the word translucent could apply to it as well, at the time I wrote that I did not even think of it. ^^

Edited January 9, 2009 by Zakelina

[Shuuda]

Rogue, would apply into Sean, Lux and Rad as the latter...like able persons.

Rogues are likeable because they are smooth talkers. And just having the latter part of the meaning apply does not make them rogues. A rogue is smooth talking criminal.

No explanation needed for the word renegade as it would obviously apply to the three mercs, I said it almost exactly like that when the story began.

Really, they just don't fit the imagery of being a renegade. They are too tame, put simply. Renegades are built to be loose cannons; unpredictable people who take you for a thrill. Your characters are in reality the same old same old heroes who do not care much for the law (in the writer's vein attempt to make them appear like cool rebels).

As to the word Merc, not all mercenaries are good.

True, most Mercenaries only really care about money. But at the end of the day, who would want to hire a mercenary who is a rogue and a renegade? If you cannot trust an employee, you'd just fire them. A mercenary still needs to sell themselves as being someone a person would want to hire.

The core problem with your characters is that you are trying to push how great they are on the readers. This problem was also in one of your previous attempts, where the first word you used to describe the main hero in the narration was "amazing". In all honesty, the first thing I thought when I read the word rogue and renegade was, "Oh, that makes them sound cool! (sarcasm)".

Invisible is almost the same as translucent,

Erm no, invisible would be closer to transparent.

Rad keeps his amulets in an invisible state, so that nobody can guess what he truly is.

And don't you find it cheap in anyway that he can just whip out some magic items from nowhere and do supa cool thingz!