Florete Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 (edited) I realize I didn't give you guys much to go on, but I do hope you'll do your best at giving feedback. Also, I would appreciate if you could throw out random names for a title, since I can't think of a good one. I know you don't know where it's going, but someone could stumble upon the perfect title by chance. *Waits for Shuuda to tear it apart.* ^_^ Story topic Edited January 29, 2009 by Red Fox of Fire Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malexis Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hmm, looks interesting, not written in Script, and pretty good with grammar and the like. Nice job! ^_^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I really enjoyed reading that. I like it and strangely I can relate to this story. She was middle-aged, had long red hair, and wore glasses and a black dress. Though one small part felt to be too generic. Alittle more could have been done to describe her appearence. Overall, I am impressed how you manage to describe the characters through their actions and dialogue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florete Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Hmm, looks interesting, not written in Script, and pretty good with grammar and the like. Nice job! ^_^ Thanks. I really enjoyed reading that. I like it and strangely I can relate to this story. Though one small part felt to be too generic. Alittle more could have been done to describe her appearence. Overall, I am impressed how you manage to describe the characters through their actions and dialogue. Thanks for noticing, but I meant for her to be rather generic. I don't think she'll be appearing again anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks for noticing, but I meant for her to be rather generic. I don't think she'll be appearing again anyway. Ah I see. Looking forward to reading your next part to the story. ^___^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 First of all, allow me to praise you for already being better than most writers on SF. So congratulations. And now for a few comments from myself: One thing I noticed was a tendency to use "said" a lot. There's nothing wrong with using it sparingly, but in reality, it is a bland word that expresses no emotion. I would recommend looking for a substitute to add a tone to dialogue that carries a bit more meaning. For example: Scott said rather smugly. she said somewhat excitedly You could replace "X said rather/somewhat X" with a facial expression or small action that indicates their attitude. Or use a short phase or less words to describe their reactions. Linking to this, you do not need to say "X asked" all the time. Since the dialogue ends with a question mark, it is pretty obvious that the character is asking a question, and does not necessarily need to be followed by "asked". Once again, you could replace "asked" with something that conveys more emotion or tone. ------------- It is late where I am, so I will give it a proper read tomorrow and hopefully make some more comments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florete Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Wow, Shuuda, you nailed it. Things like "said" and "asked" are my weak points in writing; I can never think of the correct word to put in there, so I just keep it simple. I'll try harder to improve that for the next chapter. It annoys me that I can never seem to improve in that area. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 (edited) I can never think of the correct word to put in there, so I just keep it simple Do not get the idea that being simple is bad. Getting to point, and not wasting the readers time with unneeded paragraphs of description with vast and exotic words is a good thing to do. Try to use the least amount of words to get the most effect possible. I HAVE HATCHED! Edited January 5, 2009 by Man of the Year! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 (edited) Wow, Shuuda, you nailed it. Things like "said" and "asked" are my weak points in writing; I can never think of the correct word to put in there, so I just keep it simple. I'll try harder to improve that for the next chapter. It annoys me that I can never seem to improve in that area. :( I have that problem too actually. I am writing a story but I want to carefully choose the correct words to describe my characters without sounding too generic. Edited January 5, 2009 by Luxord Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 "You’re a real dick, you know that, Josh?” Scott asked. He knew it was Anthony, his best friend since sixth grade, because Josh was the only guy who would disturb his sleep and Scott could also recognize his voice like no other. That was my only real problem with it. Is the guy's name Josh, or Anthony? Clearly it was Josh, but you made a typo. No biggie, but I thought you'd want to know. Other than that, and what Shuuda said, I found no problem with it. And the latter problem will get better as you write more and more I'm sure. I liked how you added backstory to Scott. Things like the family back story. It allowed for people to relate to him, and provided some characterization for him. I'm curious to see how this turns out. Keep up the good work. ^_^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florete Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 (edited) Shit. I originally had it as Anthony but changed it to Josh. I guess I missed that. Thanks. EDIT: I fixed some continuation errors. The times of him meeting Josh and Lauren wouldn't work with the timeline I have for the story, so I altered them to make them work. Edited January 5, 2009 by Red Fox of Fire Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Read it. Good so far. *Waits for more* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raven Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I like it. I also like the fact it seems to have a Kanon feel to it, with the fox and all. I'll be waiting for the next part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I have that problem too actually. I am writing a story but I want to carefully choose the correct words to describe my characters without sounding too generic. Will you be posting that story here in the SF? Also read the story, looks good from my point of view. ^^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nightmare Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 It's good so far. I'm interested in reading more so keep it up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Defeatist Elitist Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I actually quite enjoyed it. You did a good job with your main character. I feel a horrible urge to lecture him now. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santino Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I've never commented on anything from creative section before, but here goes: I like it, it is easy to read and easy to get into. Good interaction with the main character, and if this was the first chapter of a book or something I would probably read on. The characters are introduced fast without it seeming weird. What I dislike, however - and this is just personal opinion and goes against a previous comment - is that it seems very fast-paced to me. Even though each part of the chapter may not be so significant in itself, it feels like Scott is done with whatever happens a couple of paragraphs after it begins. Especially the councellor meeting and his mom talking about the album felt unnaturally brief to me. This may however be explained by Scott being a lazy person who doesn't care much about any of these events, in that case it's a good thing to have it this fast-paced - again, my personal opinion. Also I recall seeing one word in there that lacked it's last letter, but I don't remember which... I'd like to see more :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florete Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 (edited) Chapter 2 is up. Get ready for some tl;dr; chapter 1 was 3 1/2 pages in MW. This was 5 1/2. Note: The title "Eight Years" is not set in stone. If I can think of a better one, I'll change it. Also, if you notice any inconsistencies, please inform me. Like, in the writing process, I often mixed up Scott's and Josh's names. >_< Edited January 7, 2009 by Red Fox of Fire Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 (edited) The good news was that she was very skinny and didn’t way much. Ah...^ Chapter two nicely written. I like how the plot slowly builds up. Edited January 7, 2009 by Judge Judy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Well, I read it, and I like it. I'm genuienly interested in how this unfolds. It's not everyday that you find some half-dead chick on the ground and bring her back to your house. At least not with me. Keep it coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fireman Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 (edited) “Oh, come on! There’s a pathway for a reason, jackass!” The she went from angry to chipper again. “Besides, it’ll be more fun this way!” Don't you mean 'then'? (This was from Chapter 1.) And kudos to you on the title. ;) I fail to see any hints of the inspiration Zeph and I provided you last night. Edited January 8, 2009 by Fireman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 (Ignoring ALL previous posts.) I like this story. Plus the high school part of this is especially interesting since I'm in the middle of a stereotypical "High Schoolers saving the world" video game. I don't see the need to point out typos or what not. Hell, I had to read my whole story at least four times to find all the typos and I've still probably got one in there somewhere. Anyway the story is a great read so far. Even good for reading while eating oatmeal. Oh yeah, and one more thing, this Scott character. He's alot like me. That's disturbing. In fact the only differences I see between him and myself personality wise is... I would have given the girl a piggy back ride, I'm perky around girls all the time whether or not I want to be, and I'm only lazy on certain days. Please keep writing. I want to see how all this comes together, and ends. Names? 2,920 Days. (That's eight years :P ) That's all I've got for what I've read so far, sorry... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Defeatist Elitist Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Uh-oh. Drifting a bit too close to Kanon 2.0. :P Still pretty good, just try not too fall into that pitfall, OK? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florete Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 Uh-oh. Drifting a bit too close to Kanon 2.0. :P Still pretty good, just try not too fall into that pitfall, OK? :D Lol, I realized that. But don't worry, I have plans to be sure it's my own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Florete Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Sorry this is taking a while. I had to take some time off to re-work the story's timeline. Hopefully I can have another chapter up tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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