Raid me (The Raid Feedback thread) XD

[Shuuda]

--Reader also enjoy Self inserts, Gary-Stus, whatever, they do. Especially forum members.

Allow me to once more bring out this quote:

Let me take this as an example of the replies you have to ignore Will. Your stuff Will, while decent(for the levels of this forum) it is nothing close to "awesome". Am I being crude here? Yes. Am I being honest? Yes. Here at Serenes they have the terrible habit of giving "thumbs up posts". Let me tell ya: this posts kill your chances of improving. This posts make you think you're doing great when you're mediocre at best. They do not inspire any desire for self improvement. They are like iron weights that that hold you from improving as an artist. This is posts are a true example of what we casually call "bullshit". If you're smart will you'll completely ignore this single sentence posts that don't help at all. If someone over here says your stuff is "awesome" they are lying; ignore them and if possible tell them to cut the bullshit.

If you want to be a mediocre artist then by all means ignore this post. If you want to improve I suggest you find a decent place to get criticism because this ain't it.

Thank you, Mad Fredin. This quote has been underlined by me for emphasis.

--Sure, in a forum they are. But I wouldn't imagine professional-wise. If you decided to go for it as you are at the moment, imagine what an editor would say to you? Imagine what it would say to me? In truth, my story would have a better chance than yours. And believe me when I say that they've told me that my work is excellent. I received a package not some days ago with instructions on what I need to do next. smile.gif So, dear Shuuda, I am leaving the minor leagues, if you get my meaning. I'd say more, but to what end? You will just come back and call me a liar. Naw, lets just leave it at that, believe what you want.

Jesus Christ help this person. It goes without saying that I would go back and fix any errors before any final publishing. I had assumed people would have realised that. You clearly have no idea of what a first draft it.

And believe me when I say that they've told me that my work is excellent.

A claim with no proof is meaningless. And like I have said, crap stories can get published.

--Oh, but I have. And believe me, I believe what they tell me, and if they said I just needed to do something else, some tiny little thing, then I believe them.

Again, you seem to talk a lot about this "they" group.

--Not really, all I said was that you should look at your own mistakes before you start attacking me.

That's my line. I'm more than aware of the problems in my story. You don't fucking get it: this is the feedback thread for YOUR story, not mine. The fact that I make mistakes has nothing to do with the quality of your work. And considering the only mistake you ever seem to be able to point out are typos, it does not take away my right to make a criticism of someone else. Maybe if you were not so big headed, you'd be able to listen to your own advice.

And on the subject of typos, here is an interesting quote:

Excuse any grammar errors you might find, or any other mistake.

Oh, so according to you in your story thread. Typos are excusable in your writing. Hypocrite. Face it, that looks pretty bad for somebody who just claimed to never to make typos.

and only one guy gave you feedback, and that was to point out the mistakes you made.

And guess what I did in response. I went back and did some fixing; because unlike you, I have some trace of modesty. And since we are talking of other forums, get an account at FEU and see the review someone more intelligent than you gave me. In fact, I invite you to come and post your fabulous work on FEU... unless of course, you scared of getting a real comment.

--That is where you are wrong. Compare yourself to me and lets see who has more work to do. *Points a finger at your nose* That would be you. lol. And its true. You have to always go back and edit something that should not be a problem with most good writers. I, on the other hand, dont have to do squat, except write on. So I guess that makes me better than you.

Sigh, just fancy talk with nothing behind it. Let us compare shall we:

Me: +53, 102 words of one story, still going strong.

You: Dozens of attempts that don't get past the first chapter, most of which you ask for a mod to delete.

That is what everyone would see if they were to compare us for our writing.

See, at least I can go one step further and pull a statistic out of my arse. What you have said in that whole section that I quoted other than boastful claims and attacks at me?

Oh, and prove to me that many famous writers never made any typos in their first draft of their story.

So I guess that makes me better than you.

Now then: your solid proof of this? And by proof, I do not mean a baseless claim.

Now, if you are gonna find any mistakes on my writing, point them out to me. I'm sure you wont find anything really, but you will always find something that you want me to change that in your opinion looks/or would sound better.

I reinforce this quote from me:

Now then, do you have any argument that does not revolve around going "BAAAAAAW I'M GOOD WRITER!" (with no proof I might add), and then discrediting anyone who disagrees with something off-topic?

And I mean it this time; I'm not hear to listen to your boastful claims of how good you are. You cannot boast your way to victory you know.

Oh, and since your religious, I might as well just remind you of these:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humility

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pride

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Intoner Two]

well I have read all that has been posted thus far; I think it's ok, there are a number of minor spelling errors and word choice could be improved, sometimes it's a little hard to tell what perspective it's written in since sometimes when reading "here" I was expecting to read "there", other than that it wasn't too bad to read though I don't agree with a few minor details said about my character and the circumstances, some aren't so bad, the way I interact with people is pretty accurate to me irl fairly well (and I find it odd that I am that odd lol), some I could do without, such as...well, I'm gay and don't really think of girls as anything more than friends (but I am also fiercely loyal to them); however it is your story so I'm not saying I hate it or anything you already have just that the character is slightly off, still I can't really complain anyway since it is your story, not mine, overall I will probably keep reading it as more is added just to see if my character gets anymore similar to me but if not that's fine and the other characters seem ok (really!? a girl named "Toby"? I'm like...*bites tongue* lol...trying to get over the shock still...I personally not into girls with masculine names but I'll get through it)

[Shuuda]

there are a number of minor spelling errors and word choice could be improved, sometimes it's a little hard to tell what perspective it's written in...

Now what was it Loki/Quezt said about his writing:

A good writer is one who shows all of the following: 1st and foremost, great grammar (And spelling by association),

--No, I defend myself and tell them that I dont need to edit anything, since everything in the story looks fine.

I'm sure you wont find anything really,

I, on the other hand, dont have to do squat, except write on.

Sorry very Rhaan, but according to Loki/Quezt, the errors you saw do not actually exist. (No offence to you or anything. But you are clearly the one is the wrong according to our dear pro writer.)

Funny stuff, is it not?

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

Allow me to once more bring out this quote:

Thank you, Mad Fredin. This quote has been underlined by me for emphasis.

Jesus Christ help this person. It goes without saying that I would go back and fix any errors before any final publishing. I had assumed people would have realised that. You clearly have no idea of what a first draft it.

A claim with no proof is meaningless. And like I have said, crap stories can get published.

--And thus yours will never will.

Me: +53, 102 words of one story, still going strong.

You: Dozens of attempts that don't get past the first chapter, most of which you ask for a mod to delete.

That is what everyone would see if they were to compare us for our writing.

See, at least I can go one step further and pull a statistic out of my arse. What you have said in that whole section that I quoted other than boastful claims and attacks at me?

--Your story is not done, and if you are going back to editing every piece you wrote, then you wont ever get done. Somebody help this guy to get it in his head that commas, punctuations etc. are the traits that define a good writer. Final words here, I believe I will finish my story sooner than you. :) By the time you update again, I think I would of had finished mine.

well I have read all that has been posted thus far; I think it's ok, there are a number of minor spelling errors and word choice could be improved, sometimes it's a little hard to tell what perspective it's written in since sometimes when reading "here" I was expecting to read "there", other than that it wasn't too bad to read though I don't agree with a few minor details said about my character and the circumstances, some aren't so bad, the way I interact with people is pretty accurate to me irl fairly well (and I find it odd that I am that odd lol), some I could do without, such as...well, I'm gay and don't really think of girls as anything more than friends (but I am also fiercely loyal to them); however it is your story so I'm not saying I hate it or anything you already have just that the character is slightly off, still I can't really complain anyway since it is your story, not mine, overall I will probably keep reading it as more is added just to see if my character gets anymore similar to me but if not that's fine and the other characters seem ok (really!? a girl named "Toby"? I'm like...*bites tongue* lol...trying to get over the shock still...I personally not into girls with masculine names but I'll get through it)

You never said you wanted to look like your own self. And you never asked me to let your character be gay in the story. Who's fault is it?

As to keeping on reading, its up to you, nobody is forced to do so. I simply come and post my writing, you people are the ones who make the choice whether to click or not. ^^

By all means, pin-point those grammar errors. If you refer to eventhough, the word is also legal that way, not just even though.

Now what was it Loki/Quezt said about his writing:

Sorry very Rhaan, but according to Loki/Quezt, the errors you saw do not actually exist. (No offence to you or anything. But you are clearly the one is the wrong according to our dear pro writer.)

Funny stuff, is it not?

Again, show me these errors and lets see how many you just find compared to your piece.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Löki

[Shuuda]

--Your story is not done, and if you are going back to editing every piece you wrote, then you wont ever get done.

It's pretty easy to realise I am writing new stuff at the same time. Didn't that idea come to your mind?

--And thus yours will never will.

I believe(not prove I might add) I will finish my story sooner than you.

By the time you update again, I think I would of had finished mine.

Didn't I already address this with this:

Now then, do you have any argument that does not revolve around going "BAAAAAAW I'M GOOD WRITER!" (with no proof I might add), and then discrediting anyone who disagrees with something off-topic?

-------------------

You never said you wanted to look like your own self. And you never asked me to let your character be gay in the story. Who's fault is it?

So it's not just me. Sorry Rhaan, but Loki is never wrong; the problems you spotted really don't exist.

Again, show me these errors and lets see how many you just find compared to your piece.

Again:

this is the feedback thread for YOUR story, not mine. The fact that I make mistakes has nothing to do with the quality of your work. And considering the only mistake you ever seem to be able to point out are typos, it does not take away my right to make a criticism of someone else.

When are you going to realise this? It's easy to tell that the only reason you insist on attacking my work in your feedback thread, is because you can't defend your own work without making the critic look bad. It's an obvious tactic, and anyone with intelligence would have spotted it by now.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

It's pretty easy to realise I am writing new stuff at the same time. Didn't that idea come to your mind?

--Oh yeah, so that is why I said you will never see the end of the stick. ^^ When you bring in your new stuff, you will have to go back and edit the whole material again, while I dont.

Didn't I already address this with this:

--I really don't see how that can be compared to ^

-------------------

So it's not just me. Sorry Rhaan, but Loki is never wrong; the problems you spotted really don't exist.

*Loki is never wrong. ^^

Again:

When are you going to realise this? It's easy to tell that the only reason you insist on attacking my work in your feedback thread, is because you can't defend your own work without making the critic look bad. It's an obvious tactic, and anyone with intelligence would have spotted it by now.

--The moment you realize that I hold the truth here.

Listen Shuuda, you have the time it appears, why not go into your work and edit some stuff up? XD

[Shuuda]

--Oh yeah, so that is why I said you will never see the end of the stick. ^^ When you bring in your new stuff, you will have to go back and edit the whole material again, while I dont.

*Loki is never wrong. ^^

Again:

Now then, do you have any argument that does not revolve around going "BAAAAAAW I'M GOOD WRITER!" (with no proof I might add), and then discrediting anyone who disagrees with something off-topic?

By the way, if you never look back, how can you be 100% sure you never make mistakes? And answer that without a claim that has no evidence this time.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

Sweet, he's got nothing more to say.

I believe its the opposite. You have nothing more to say. Now excuse me, dear Shuuda. I have to go eat lunch. When I return back, I will update my wonderful story. XD

--Edit-- Why did you edit your post? XD lol

Edited February 6, 2009 by Löki

[Shuuda]

--Edit-- Why did you edit your post? XD lol

I make mistakes. I'm humble enough to admit that. But no doubt you'll use that superfluous mistake to disregard me.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

Again:

By the way, if you never look back, how can you be 100% sure you never make mistakes? And answer that without a claim that has no evidence this time.

Once I finish a section of the story that I am gonna post, I go over it carefully and check most of it. In other words, I reread my material twice, sometimes even thrice. I don't really trust spellcheckers since some don't have updates and some words that are correctly spell, turn out to be as if incorrect, when they are not. So see, I use my own eye. Sure, I know one or two mistakes sometimes are bound to pass me by. But I find them quickly, and thus you see a post in my section of story saying that: This post has been edited by Löki.

I make mistakes. I'm humble enough to admit that. But no doubt you'll use that superfluous mistake to disregard me.

We all make mistakes, and I don't disrespect nor disregard you in any way.

[Shuuda]

Welly well, I've just had a fun idea. Let's have a look at you spelling, grammar, word usage and sentence compression:

but her's was two-piece

It should be "hers". (Two different spell checks and a search many online dictionaries confirms this.)

- http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hers

- http://www.thefreedictionary.com/hers

- http://www.yourdictionary.com/hers

"Hers" is the female equivalent of "His".

anti-winter garments

Since when did anyone use the term "Anti-winter". Clothes designed for the cold are referred to as "Winter clothes", the "anti" is unnecessary.

Rad had made sure not to slip off when he had jumped from the ground and up to it.

"Rad made sure not to slip off when he jumped on to it."

This frozen land was always covered with snow, element that made the land's floor loo like a pearly, white carpet.

"This frozen land was always covered with snow, an element that made the land's floor look like a pearly, white carpet."

they could not withstand many obstacles that life threw out at them.

You forgot the "the" between "withstand" and "many". Also "out" is not needed:

"they could not withstand the many obstacles that life threw at them."

He unbuttoned his trenchcoat and searched inside one of the two sacks he carried to his right side of the waist and brought out a small container that contained a potion of strength to invigorate both mind and body.

First of all, this really needs a comma somewhere to break it down. Second of all:

"he carried on the right side of his waist"

Rad set the container back in the sack

You mean, "put". He "put the container back in the sack".

The potion had tasted like vanilla,

"The potion tasted like vanilla,"

very fabrics of time itself.

He's not time travelling. "Fabrics of time," is therefore misleading to the readers.

Rad would not be late for the meeting with the southerners, and as he traveled, he hoped that the southerners would not be either,

"Rad would not be late for the meeting with the southerners. As he traveled, he hoped that the southerners would not be either, "

asakian

Place names should be capitalised. Like English, or American for example.

couldn't

"Could not" you mean. Contractions such as can't, shouldn't and couldn't should be used in dialogue (when you are quoting a characters speech). Contractions do not belong in the prose narration.

She could not

You do not contract it here, but you did earlier. Regardless of what you do, be consistent.

In one foul, tragic night, the friends had lost family and friends in a monster raid.

The "In" is not needed. "One foul, tragic night" sounds better.

mercenary gal started

You mean "girl".

a guild that had started making a new for itself several years ago.

I presume you are missing a word there:

"a guild that had started making a new name for itself several years ago."

but her's was

"Hers".

ended in a W

There is a proper name for that; try looking it up.

suddenly Bryn said,

"Bryn said suddenly,"

The old garrison was barely visible to her who was sitting.

"The old garrison was barely visible to her while sitting."

Blood kept spilling and spilling and many believe that it would only get worse.

You mean "believed"; remember that you are writing in the past tense.

Killer bow

There is no such real weapon as a "Killer bow", please do some research here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bow_(weapon)

Alexis said. "But it cannot compare to the rising of the sun. With it, the sun starts every creature's new day and brings hope to everyone."

"Alexis said, "but it cannot compare to the rising of the sun. With it, the sun starts every creature's new day and brings hope to everyone." "

I'm sure I've missed other things; and surelly I do not have the time to point out all the times you should have shown instead of telling.

One general point I should say however, is that many of your sentences were far too long. Many could have been broken down to read like less of a drag. Your placement of quiet a few commas also appeared to be bad.

Now then, let's see what tactic you use to: ignore, disregard, or deny this. Will you go for: using personal attacks, attacking me story in place of defend your work, make wild claims about how good you are without any proof, or do you have something new?

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

I did not bother to respond to most of that, as I can see that the way I said it makes full sense. Yes, a few other grammar errors, which I said could pass me by undetected. Big deal, you know how many you make?

Also, update in a bit.

[Shuuda]

as I can see that the way I said it makes full sense.

So just because you think it's okay, it must be? Brilliant logic. And by the way, you are wrong. For example:

- When has the term "anti-winter clothing" ever been widely used in place of just "winter clothing".

- When we talk about placing things in containers, we always talk about "putting" or "placing" things in; as opposed to "setting" something in a container.

- When do people say "in one night"? We always say "on one night" or just "one night".

Etc etc.

You must be pretty ignorant to think that your bad usage of words is deniable.

Yes, a few other grammar errors, which I said could pass me by undetected.

Now let us take a look at what you said earlier shall we:

A good writer is one who shows all of the following: 1st and foremost, great grammar

So let me get this right: my grammatical errors are enough to completely discredit my work; but your grammatical errors are excusable and unimportant.

Yes, let us get this out into the open: I make mistakes, lots in fact. I'm mature enough to admit that. I certainly do not need to start attacking people who make fair criticisms of my work; in fact, I am more than happy to fix them. The way in which one handles their mistakes is more important than not making them in the first place (,which is nearly impossible, since we all make mistakes). And, if you were to look across all the feedback topics for my story (SF, FEA, FEU, FEP), you can see that I take criticisms against my work far better than you do of your own (,partly because I actually listen to people).

[Deity]

So just because you think it's okay, it must be? Brilliant logic. And by the way, you are wrong. For example:

- When has the term "anti-winter clothing" ever been widely used in place of just "winter clothing".

--Anti is used for many things. So it makes perfectly sense the way I said it.

- When we talk about placing things in containers, we always talk about "putting" or "placing" things in; as opposed to "setting" something in a container.

--Who set something in a container? Rad set the potion back into the satchel, not a container. And the word set works fine.

- When do people say "in one night"? We always say "on one night" or just "one night".

--You might, I hear the term being used alot, in books I read, hearing people talking, etc. So its ok.

Etc etc.

You must be pretty ignorant to think that your bad usage of words is deniable.

Now let us take a look at what you said earlier shall we:

So let me get this right: my grammatical errors are enough to completely discredit my work; but your grammatical errors are excusable and unimportant.

Yes, let us get this out into the open: I make mistakes, lots in fact. I'm mature enough to admit that. I certainly do not need to start attacking people who make fair criticisms of my work; in fact, I am more than happy to fix them. The way in which one handles their mistakes is more important than not making them in the first place (,which is nearly impossible, since we all make mistakes). And, if you were to look across all the feedback topics for my story (SF, FEA, FEU, FEP), you can see that I take criticisms against my work far better than you do of your own (,partly because I actually listen to people).

For this, why dont you take a look at the very top of my first post when I started the story. Do you know how to read? If not, let me make it clear for your keen eye. It says there would be grammar mistakes, and I ask the reader to forgive me for that or to excuse me, its bound to happen, although not as much as it happens to you. Grammar mistakes with you is like you having a decease that can't be cured, period. As to me, these things happen rarely.

Anything else, mister I am right you are wrong?

[Shuuda]

--Anti is used for many things. So it makes perfectly sense the way I said it.

Answer my question. When is term "anti-winter clothing" used in place of just "winter clothing"?

--Who set something in a container? Rad set the potion back into the satchel, not a container. And the word set works fine.

Flipping hell man. I was using container in the vague sense, clearly. A satchel is a kind of container, my point still applies in that we "put" and "place" things in containers, boxes, bags, satchels etc. And just because the word works for you, does not mean it works for the majority of readers.

--You might, I hear the term being used alot, in books I read, hearing people talking, etc. So its ok.

Some quotes from them books, if you will.

For this, why dont you take a look at the very top of my first post when I started the story. Do you know how to read? If not, let me make it clear for your keen eye. It says there would be grammar mistakes, and I ask the reader to forgive me for that or to excuse me,

You are still being a hypocrite. You said earlier that first and foremost, a good writers should have great grammar, and you then go against that idea with this story. If grammar is so important, why should you be forgiven? You certainly show no intention of forgiving me for my mistakes.

Here is an idea: stick to your own rules.

its bound to happen, although not as much as it happens to you.

Oh ho, this is very different from what you said earlier. You claimed that if I were to look, I would not find any errors. And by the way, I have more errors, because my work is longer.

Grammar mistakes with you is like you having a decease that can't be cured, period.

So when I make a mistake, it's dreadful, and incurable (even though in reality, it is as simple as just going back and re-working). But when you make grammatical errors, bad word usage and bad sentence compression; it's forgiveable. Fab' attitude.

I hope I'm not the only one laughing my arse off at you.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Bohemund]

Don't know why you argue with him Loki, his corrections are right. I'd probably say the same, or even mention further changes.

This line really stands out as odd (besides the typo):

Blood kept spilling and spilling and many believe that it would only get worse.

I would have said something along the lines of "Blood kept spilling out, which led many to believe that it would only get worse." But this is just personal preference, I am sure. My sentence just seems to sound better when read aloud.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Bohemund

[Liz]

i don't mean to be a douche or whatever Loki, but I have to agree with Shuuda.

being an artist of sorts, i understand that criticism is essential for improvement. without listening to criticism, you most likely will never realize the flaws in your work. it is understanding that these flaws exists that force an artist to work to improve them. if you are unwilling to accept criticism, you shall remain in stagnation and WILL NOT IMPROVE. criticism isn't meant to flatter you and make you feel good. criticism is about looking at a work of art critically and evaluating it.

Main Entry: criticism

1 a: the act of criticizing usually unfavorably <seeking encouragement rather than criticism> b: a critical observation or remark <an unfair criticism> c: critique

2: the art of evaluating or analyzing works of art or literature ; also : writings expressing such evaluation or analysis <an anthology of literary criticism>

3: the scientific investigation of literary documents (as the Bible) in regard to such matters as origin, text, composition, or history

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/criticism

criticism isn't meant to be cute or flattering or nice. its supposed to point out the areas in which you need to work on.

if you are unwilling to work to improve on your preferred art style, why do you practice it? to me, at least, i draw to see how i improve my skill over time. it brings satisfaction when people compare two works that you have done and say "wow, you have improved tons!" it is the challenge to become better with the passing time which is attractive.

when i read, or see, or listen to a work of an artist, i criticize it. if it's good, i'll say "hey, that's impressive. he must have worked constantly to improve himself and reach that level of skill and talent," since most people actually work hard to become better. Prodigies are rare and few, and even they have to work with their talent.

nobody is born perfect, everybody has to work at it. but you won't get good by only doing your thing and not listening to other people's advice. i suggest that you keep Shuuda's, and everybody else's, criticism in mind. heck, even make notes on what he says so that you won't forget. because let me tell you if it was me who he was criticizing, i sure would do it.

[Deity]

Its not that I dont listen to the criticism being said to me. I do, but to be honest, I look at my writing as ok, and I do go back and edit stuff that needs to be corrected, but only if I find it out to be quite disturbing.

Also, most of the people here tend to give cute criticism to other people here, and their stories suck compared to mine. I mean, you all know this, and yet I don't see anybody making a fuzz over them.

The truth of the matter is this. I personally hate Criticism, because I dont like it one bit. And who does? I am sure that though most of the people here tend to go easy on the criticizer, inside they feel differently.

I like to learn from my own mistakes, but that needs to come out of me, myself, not by having others criticize my work and pin point every little detail. To me that is unwanted, and seeing the way Shuuda likes to push everything out, that is just plainly unacceptable.

And so see, that is why I never really believed in criticism. If I did make these feedback threads, it was merely to give whoever reads the story a chance to come and say: "Hey man, nice work, keep it up." That is just what other people go in and say to some other guy/girl, and to be honest, the story really doesn't add up to being even good.

So see, I hate that. I hate that most of you tend to go nice on people who don't even have that much writing skill. Why don't you go in and give hard criticism instead of "Oh yeah, (insert forum member here) nice job."

So from now on, allow me to learn from my mistakes the way I want to. I will observe them, don't you doubt that, but like I said, once posted, I rarely like to go back and correct them.

Until you people actually start acting a little nice, perhaps then will I lend my ear to you folks.

[Liz]

if you don't want criticism, why post a criticism thread? there is no point in only hearing "good job" all the time.

i'm not really familiar with Writing section of the forum. some people post useless things, some people are obviously playing favorites, and some actually post useful things albeit not very nicely phrased. listen to ALL, not just to some.

you shouldn't ignore criticism. by listening to criticism, you get different perspectives on your work, meaning that you get a fuller understanding of your writing. other people will notice things that you will miss, and if they're pointing it out to you, you should be appreciative that they're actually taking the effort to do it. perhaps Shuuda wasn't really kind in his manner of pointing out where you need to improve, but he informed you of it. he isn't sugar-coating his posts, he writes what he thinks. and in this aspect all the posts i've seen from Shuuda have been similar; he doesn't show favoritism to anybody, but posts what he thinks is improvement.

and as i said before, you shouldn't use other people's works to compare, because there will always be people better and people worse than you. instead, you should compare your works to your previous works. if you see that there's no improvement, you're doing it wrong and need to change something. It's not even about whether you're good or bad, it's actually about there being some progress.

do you really think that Michelangelo, da Vinci, Picasso, or any other artist was born with the talent to paint amazing paintings? Do you think that Tolkien just sat down and wrote a trilogy that incidentally redefined what fantasy literature was and that still influences modern fantasy to this day? no, of course not. they went through many stages in life before they actually reached their goal, and an important part of their lives and a large reason they actually improved was undoubtedly criticism.

[Shuuda]

I do, but to be honest, I look at my writing as ok, and I do go back and edit stuff that needs to be corrected, but only if I find it out to be quite disturbing.

Everyone looks at their own writing as okay. It is not easy to spot one's own mistakes; that's what critics and editors exist for.

and their stories suck compared to mine.

I can think of a number of people who are better than you at writing. To name a few (not including myself):

- Kiryn.

- Lyle.

- Ragnell/Urvan.

- Red Fox of Fire.

And that is just on this forum... don't ask for the list from FEU writers better than you.

I like to learn from my own mistakes, but that needs to come out of me, myself

Like I said, the reason we need critics and editors is because everyone wants to think their work is good, thus they are not so open to seeing their mistakes.

And so see, that is why I never really believed in criticism.

"Believing" is meaningless without evidence.

So see, I hate that. I hate that most of you tend to go nice on people who don't even have that much writing skill.

How very hypocritical of you, since you make the very same comments you hate so much. Here is proof:

Not bad, Karino, not bad. Keep up the good work.

From: http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=12853 (No offence to Karino; I was just picking the most recent example.)

So from now on, allow me to learn from my mistakes the way I want to. I will observe them, don't you doubt that, but like I said, once posted, I rarely like to go back and correct them.

Yeah, since you have really demonstrated an ability to improve across all them abandoned attempts. /sarcasm.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

I'm not gonna argue with you all. You all have your views, I have my own.

I stand with what I said. I'll just simply avoid responding to criticism. So you are warned now, peeps. Don't expect me to respond to feedback, instead, just do what I do. Avoid this, avoid posting feedback or something.

Now if you read the story and actually enjoy it, you are welcome to post anything you want, because like I said, I don't need people breathing down my neck every damn time I make a small mistake. I dont do that, and I want you to honor my petition.

Also, nobody is forced to read anything. Like I said, you are the ones who have the power to click a link. You don't feel like reading what I throw at you, then don't, simple as that. Of the many stories there are here, I have only clicked a few, I wont mention names, but just around five-ten, and try to find a negative comment from me in there. Except for Shuuda's, of course, where I went in to correct him, and yet he still fought it off trying to cover his mistakes with no reasoning at all.

I showed him his mistakes, he did not want to admit his errors. And so, just like he did, I too, will not admit my own. I stick with what I believe in. Somehow, I know that my work is just what I say it is, awesome. I will believe that no matter what you people say.

[Deity]

Sorry for the double post, but I have something to say.

How can I start. Well, the truth of the matter at hand is simple. I've thought things over and have realized that I have not been very humble here. I mulled the current situation over and understood that perhaps you lesser ((joking)) creatures are indeed just trying to help me out. I've seen all this the wrong way, and for that I is sorry.

I know that my work is not that bad, but having gone back to read the story over, I realized that indeed it needs some editing. From now on, I guess I will accept any feedback you might have. Aside from that, whenever I go and edit my work, I will do so by highlighting in red the mistakes that were found and leaving a list at the bottom of the post of the things that got edited. This is not a bad way to help me avoid those mistakes in the future, my dear underlings.

And with that, I am off.

Story update tomorrow morning. Also another note:

The character support conversations shall be posted in green, just so you fellows know of them. The support thingy is just a way for me to make the characters even more stronger within the story and aside from that, support convos gives them more action in the story as well and in the upcoming REVELATIONS; which is every character's history as I see it.

[Shuuda]

three gals

Please avoid using slang outside of dialogue.

Toby stood staring at the fort,

"Toby stood, staring at the fort," Needed a comma.

hell was sure to be hot

Now here is something very important to considered, world-building wise: religion. It just seems to me that you did not put much effort into thinking about this. It's like you just slapped Christianity on as their religion. If their religion is different, then you need to consider whether the concept of "Hell" exists to them.

And by the way, Hell should be capitalised; since it is the name of a place.

The others, seeing this action coming from their leader, did likewise, while Kristi Hizer prepared a quick offensive spell in case she needed to cast it.

Here is another example of a sentence that could be broken down to sound better:

"The others, seeing this action coming from their leader, did likewise. Kristi Hizer prepared a quick offensive spell in case she needed to cast it."

This, the group knew to be true when they noticed old crates and barrels along the sides of the walls, some battered, some intact but all empty.

Another sentence that could easily be broken down:

"This, the group knew to be true when they noticed old crates and barrels along the sides of the walls. Some were battered, some intact; but all were empty."

"Its Kristi, boss,"

"Its" should be "It's" since it an abbreviation of "It is"; your sentence being "It is Kristi, boss," abbreviated, it will be "It's Kristi, boss,"

your majesty."

Should be "Your Majesty" since it's a title.

(with capital with His, ~Your etc ) a title used when speaking to or of a king or queen: Her Majesty the Queen: Their Majesties: Your Majesty.

I believe is the same for all hierarchy titles: Your Highness, His Excellency, Her Serene Grace, etc etc.

"I third that," laughed Gen while raising her hand.

""I third that," laughed Gen, while raising her hand."

"All girls?" he had asked himself when he had noticed that indeed all of the newcomers were females. "Damn you, Miria."

"All girls?" he asked himself when he saw that all of the newcomers were females. "Damn you, Miria."

Moments later, he heard them approaching the entrance and nodded, knowing that they at least had courage to come in and investigate, whereas some other squad might of had turned tail and run at the sight of the abandoned fort.

"Moments later, he heard them approaching the entrance and nodded. Knowing that they at least had courage to come in and investigate."

She said nothing, though, only stood straight like the rest of them were.

"She said nothing, though. Standing straight like the rest of them were."

There was a brief moment of silence between them all as the girls looked at him and Rad stared back.

"There was a brief moment of silence between them as the girls looked at him, and Rad stared back." The "all" was not needed.

The most amazed of the girls with Rad was Bryn

"The most amazed of the girls was Bryn." I know that you are in love with Rad, but he does not need his name mentioned all the time.

One had to hold the stone in hand and murmur or blurt out the proper incantation.

"One had to hold the stone in hand, and murmur or blurt out the proper incantation."

The stone's magical power would then fuse with the user's inner magical ability and the spell would work if the words of it were said correctly and if the magician's magical ability within him or her was exceptional.

"The stone's magical power would then fuse with the user's inner magical ability, and the spell would work if the words of it were said correctly and if the magician's magical ability within him or her was exceptional."

He accompanied them out towards the wagons, and he saw as they all got on aboard.

", and he watched as they got on board."

------------------------

General Points.

First of all, there are some major problems with your sentence structure. I spotted far too many sentences that could have been broken down for ease; and too many sentences that went on for a long time without so much as a comma for a pause. Remember that complex, and long sentences are not always good. Shorter, punchier sentences can, and should be used with good effect as well.

Second of all: stop being so in love with Rad. Nobody cares how cool you think he, and his magic rings of cheapness are. People are going to have a hard time finding Rad a believable character; and an even harder time connecting to his self-insertion character. In your latest post (post six) you spend three whole paragraphs on Rad doing something cool, and everyone proceeding to be amazed by him, and his over egged introduction to them. Sorry, but there is no nice way of putting this; Rad is an author's darling, and you need to get over him.

Once again, there is far too much in these posts that could have been better developed later; but instead you haphazardly cramming it all into telling. Try revealing things about your characters and world as they actually become significant to the development of the plot. Like the past of characters for example, could be withheld until the point where there is some development of that character. The result of all this cramming and infodumping is that the plot feels really slow.

Edited February 7, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

Please avoid using slang outside of dialogue.

"Toby stood, staring at the fort," Needed a comma.

Now here is something very important to considered, world-building wise: religion. It just seems to me that you did not put much effort into thinking about this. It's like you just slapped Christianity on as their religion. If their religion is different, then you need to consider whether the concept of "Hell" exists to them.

--This had nothing to do with the characters or world, it was more like a comparison of things. It was cold as hell was sure to be hot, in other words, it was very cold out there where they were just as hell is sure to be way too hot.

And by the way, Hell should be capitalised; since it is the name of a place.

Here is another example of a sentence that could be broken down to sound better:

"The others, seeing this action coming from their leader, did likewise. Kristi Hizer prepared a quick offensive spell in case she needed to cast it."

--I agree there, I performed a run-on sentence. XD

Another sentence that could easily be broken down:

"This, the group knew to be true when they noticed old crates and barrels along the sides of the walls. Some were battered, some intact; but all were empty."

--I was actually thinking of correcting it with: This, the group saw as being the case here when they noticed old crates and barrels lining the side of the walls.

"Its" should be "It's" since it an abbreviation of "It is"; your sentence being "It is Kristi, boss," abbreviated, it will be "It's Kristi, boss,"

--True.

Should be "Your Majesty" since it's a title.

--Lol, perhaps but not the your, just Majesty, imo.

I believe is the same for all hierarchy titles: Your Highness, His Excellency, Her Serene Grace, etc etc.

--Also, I will look into it.

""I third that," laughed Gen, while raising her hand."

"All girls?" he asked himself when he saw that all of the newcomers were females. "Damn you, Miria."

"Moments later, he heard them approaching the entrance and nodded. Knowing that they at least had courage to come in and investigate."

"She said nothing, though. Standing straight like the rest of them were."

"There was a brief moment of silence between them as the girls looked at him, and Rad stared back." The "all" was not needed.

--It does sound better without the all.

"The most amazed of the girls was Bryn." I know that you are in love with Rad, but he does not need his name mentioned all the time.

--Lol, but the reader would think: Why was she amazed? And so that is why I added Rad there, so as not to throw them off.

"One had to hold the stone in hand, and murmur or blurt out the proper incantation."

"The stone's magical power would then fuse with the user's inner magical ability, and the spell would work if the words of it were said correctly and if the magician's magical ability within him or her was exceptional."

", and he watched as they got on board."

Yep

------------------------

General Points.

First of all, there are some major problems with your sentence structure. I spotted far too many sentences that could have been broken down for ease; and too many sentences that went on for a long time without so much as a comma for a pause. Remember that complex, and long sentences are not always good. Shorter, punchier sentences can, and should be used with good effect as well.

Second of all: stop being so in love with Rad. Nobody cares how cool you think he, and his magic rings of cheapness are. People are going to have a hard time finding Rad a believable character; and an even harder time connecting to his self-insertion character. In your latest post (post six) you spend three whole paragraphs on Rad doing something cool, and everyone proceeding to be amazed by him, and his over egged introduction to them. Sorry, but there is no nice way of putting this; Rad is an author's darling, and you need to get over him.

Once again, there is far too much in these posts that could have been better developed later; but instead you haphazardly cramming it all into telling. Try revealing things about your characters and world as they actually become significant to the development of the plot. Like the past of characters for example, could be withheld until the point where there is some development of that character. The result of all this cramming and infodumping is that the plot feels really slow.

I noticed last night that I performed several run-on sentences. I need to work on that and not cramping so much info into a sentence.

I will go back and edit all that when I have the time, right now I is getting ready to do something else and I wont have the time for that today, but I will.

Edited February 7, 2009 by Löki

[Shuuda]

--Lol, perhaps but not the your, just Majesty, imo.

--Also, I will look into it.

I used a quote from an online dictionary as an example:

(with capital with His, ~Your etc ) a title used when speaking to or of a king or queen: Her Majesty the Queen: Their Majesties: Your Majesty.

Read the part in the brackets. It clearly states that the "his" or "your" are capitalised.

--Lol, but the reader would think: Why was she amazed? And so that is why I added Rad there, so as not to throw them off.

Trust your readers. They will be able to realise these things.