Raid me (The Raid Feedback thread) XD

[Shuuda]

and was relating a tell to them all.

You mean "tale", right? "Tell" make no sense there.

Rad noticed that several of the other mercs and villagers seemed glad to see him back. Rad could tell much on a person just by looking at their faces and their bodily reactions.

"Alone?" Rhaan gasped, following him. "You know that the northern parts are dangerous and off our limits."

When something else mattered most than the current situation at hand, Rad was well disciplined to keep his focus.

Now, apart from my eye rolling at this part, there is another issue here. One that has been plaguing your story all throughout. It is the whole matter of telling the audience things with the narrator, when they could they could be far better portrayed (or shown) by more interesting means. And sometimes, your explanation of things can be completely unnecessary either at that point or in general.

Take the above quote from your story as an example. If you really want to show Mr Perfect's good focus, then you could demonstrated throughout the story just by consistant behaviour, which then the readers would soon catch on to without much effort. Or, if you really could not have waited, you could have used dialogue from another character. This not only would have explained it, but we could get a character slant on it.

In general, it is very lazy to just keep telling us things in the narration. Not to mention boring.

the crowd that had overheard his tale started to applaud. Staring around, Rad noticed that everyone who was present started to join in the celebration, applauding, whistling and even shouting cheers. Rad just smiled at them and rose his right hand, as if thanking them all.

"Earlier, the beautiful girl over yonder displayed to us her skill with a bow."

It might be a good idea to remind you: using a bow requires plenty of upper body strength. Despite what most fantasies may tell you; delicate people cannot wield one very well.

Rad smiled at him and pat his shoulder.

Tense issue: should be "patted".

"My good sire," Charmaine said, staring at Rad.

Sorry, but you must be very mixed up. If Rad is nobility of sorts, why the hell is he a mercenary? If he is estranged or something; do you not think it might of been a good idea for Rad to hide the fact that he is important... oh wait, sorry. Rad's importance and unquestionable brilliance must always shine out.

He thought he saw the woman blushing. Smiling, Rad took the plate and the cup from her.

merc

It is rather odd how you keep swapping between "merc" and "mercenary". Please be consistent, and as with "gal", avoid using slang in the narration; it belongs in the dialogue.

----------------------------

Sorry, but I am going to keep reinforcing the same point when it comes to Rad Perfect. Say what you want, but he's a dreadful character, plain and simple. Throughout this whole story, you have not said, or shown a single thing that even so much as hints at Rad being anything beside the big awesome super hero. (Though I strain to call him a hero myself, since there's nothing to be admired; being a Gary-Stu and all). I do not know what fantasies or wishes you are trying to fulfil with this character; but please stop it, and try thinking about making a main character who is half-way interesting to read about.

And, as stated before; your story really suffers from your over-explanations, blatant infodumping, and lack of showing. The effects can really be seen on how slow this plot is going.

Edited February 9, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

You mean "tale", right? "Tell" make no sense there.

--Yes, I was correcting tell to tale, but then the phone rang and I had to go answer. when I came back, I forgot I had still left tell there and did not correct it. Typo.

Now, apart from my eye rolling at this part, there is another issue here. One that has been plaguing your story all throughout. It is the whole matter of telling the audience things with the narrator, when they could they could be far better portrayed (or shown) by more interesting means. And sometimes, your explanation of things can be completely unnecessary either at that point or in general.

Take the above quote from your story as an example. If you really want to show Mr Perfect's good focus, then you could demonstrated throughout the story just by consistant behaviour, which then the readers would soon catch on to without much effort. Or, if you really could not have waited, you could have used dialogue from another character. This not only would have explained it, but we could get a character slant on it.

In general, it is very lazy to just keep telling us things in the narration. Not to mention boring.

It might be a good idea to remind you: using a bow requires plenty of upper body strength. Despite what most fantasies may tell you; delicate people cannot wield one very well.

--In a story, anyone can do anything. That goes for just about anyone. In the Lost realm series you have a very delicate female known as Cattie-Brie wielding a bow.

Tense issue: should be "patted".

--I've seen it as pat in professional stories, so I go with pat over patted.

Sorry, but you must be very mixed up. If Rad is nobility of sorts, why the hell is he a mercenary? If he is estranged or something; do you not think it might of been a good idea for Rad to hide the fact that he is important... oh wait, sorry. Rad's importance and unquestionable brilliance must always shine out.

--Sire is used here as sir, not as nobility.

It is rather odd how you keep swapping between "merc" and "mercenary". Please be consistent, and as with "gal", avoid using slang in the narration; it belongs in the dialogue.

--I forgot about gal. Damn it. That is the second time. As to mercenary and merc, they are the same thing. Even in pro stories I read, the author uses merc.

----------------------------

As to the deal with Rad, I am surely building toward a grand finale here.

Edited February 9, 2009 by Löki

[Shuuda]

--I've seen it as pat in professional stories, so I go with pat over patted.

hmm...

pat 1

Verb

[patting, patted]

1. to tap (someone or something) lightly with the hand

2. to shape (something) with a flat instrument or the palm of the hand

3. pat someone on the back Informal to congratulate someone

From: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/pat

--In a story, anyone can do anything.

/facepalm. Despite what you may have been lead to believe, people can only suspend their disbelief so much. So your quote does not work in practice.

In the Lost realm series you have a very delicate female known as Cattie-Brie wielding a bow.

That's why I said "despite what fantasies tell you".

Do not fall into the trap of believing that fantasy means unrealistic, or that it solely justifies unrealistic things.

You can make fantastic things happen, with an explanation, reason and meaning. I doubt you actually thought about the bow thing that hard (since your reasoning is as lowly as "other books have done it"). I also have doubts as to the depth of research, if any. It does not hurt to do a little reading on the subject, to avoid making it ridiculous. But if you come up with a good reason and explanation as to how she could use a bow, feel free to use it.

The Lost Realm series probably let that happen because the author did not think about it that hard about it; certainly not because of any positive attribute.

And as I implied earlier, "other books have done it" is not a good excuse for laziness.

--Sire is used here as sir, not as nobility.

sire

Noun

1. a male parent of a horse or other domestic animal

2. Archaic a respectful form of address used to a king

It is certainly not a title used for a mere mercenary.

As to the deal with Rad, I am surely building toward a grand finale here.

Claims mean nothing here. I do not see how claiming to have grand finale makes Rad a good character, or speeds up the pacing of the story.

Edited February 10, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

hmm...

From: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/pat

/facepalm. Despite what you may have been lead to believe, people can only suspend their disbelief so much. So your quote does not work in practice.

That's why I said "despite what fantasies tell you".

Do not fall into the trap of believing that fantasy means unrealistic, or that it solely justifies unrealistic things.

You can make fantastic things happen, with an explanation, reason and meaning. I doubt you actually thought about the bow thing that hard (since your reasoning is as lowly as "other books have done it"). I also have doubts as to the depth of research, if any. It does not hurt to do a little reading on the subject, to avoid making it ridiculous. But if you come up with a good reason and explanation as to how she could use a bow, feel free to use it.

The Lost Realm series probably let that happen because the author did not think about it that hard about it; certainly not because of any positive attribute.

And as I implied earlier, "other books have done it" is not a good excuse for laziness.

sire

Noun

1. a male parent of a horse or other domestic animal

2. Archaic a respectful form of address used to a king

It is certainly not a title used for a mere mercenary.

Claims mean nothing here. I do not see how claiming to have grand finale makes Rad a good character, or speeds up the pacing of the story.

Ok wait, who is saying Rad is a great character? The only one believing that is you. Yes, he is one tough merc and something else, its just the way it goes. Heroes are not made out of cheap stuff. A hero has all the skills, attributes, etc. You cant make a hero without all these things. A hero is someone great, not some poor devil. That is my opinion on Rad, anyway.

[Bohemund]

Rad seems like a guy with a bag full of cheap tricks and high charisma to me. Why else would everyone in said town like him so much? He does birthday parties! :P

[Deity]

Rad seems like a guy with a bag full of cheap tricks and high charisma to me. Why else would everyone in said town like him so much? He does birthday parties! :P

Lol. Well, he's prepared for anything. I mean, which hero wouldn't be? And the people from the village like him because he's been cleaning out monsters ever since he got there and he is still alive. Irl, wouldn't you like someone who saved your life? Or at least feel something toward him/her?

[Defeatist Elitist]

By the gods, you poor sod, you really believe it, don't you? You really think that Rad is a perfectly normal and acceptable character... You really do believe that you are completely correct here...

[Deity]

By the gods, you poor sod, you really believe it, don't you? You really think that Rad is a perfectly normal and acceptable character... You really do believe that you are completely correct here...

I do, and seeing that I do, nothing else matters.

[Shuuda]

I do, and seeing that I do, nothing else matters.

Because only your opinion matters.

Heroes are not made out of cheap stuff. A hero has all the skills, attributes, etc. You cant make a hero without all these things. A hero is someone great, not some poor devil. That is my opinion on Rad, anyway.

Heroes are made out of their personalities and their strife. Rad does not seem to have either. Simple fact is: Rad is either an Author's Darling, or a Gary-Stu. A few points:

- All the other characters who interact with him show some form of amazement and/or praise.

- Rad can overcome the negative effects of his super duper rings, without any actual effort or practice. (Cheapskate potions)

- Significant portions of the story are devoted to Rad.

- A lot of those portions exist to elevate Rad with long descriptions of how skilful and talented he is.

- Not once in the story has there been any implications of Rad having any physical or personality failings.

- Rad has a strange appearance, obviously used to elevate how special he is.

- And what is worse, not once does anone chide, or even so much as notice his oddness. (Because you gave him a cheap way to hide it.)

- He is, essentially, your self-insertion. Which makes your motives for making him so "great" blinding obvious.

- Rad is given artificial skills with the magic rings. Which no doubt help Rad overcome anything that would normally be a challenge.

Just a few of things that make Rad a dreadful character. He is completely unbelievable and ridiculous, with nothing really to be admired; but you insist on pushing how "great" he is on the readers.

No, they are not cute. They are not wonderful. They need to die now, and people need to learn the difference between loving their characters and falling in love with their characters.

http://limyaael.livejournal.com/202840.html

Edited February 10, 2009 by Shuuda

[Agro]

I do, and seeing that I do, nothing else matters.

wow, so typically religious

I'm not going to make you believe otherwise, but I just want to say this is a very narrow-minded line of thinking.

I just have one request; can you stop quoting the whole of Shuuda's posts? Seeing as he's the only one above you, and no posters in between, there's no need to quote, and it's taking up unnecessary page space and lagging my little precious computer. No, this isn't a mini-mod, this is a request from a fellow member. Good day. I'll get around to reading your story in just a moment.

[Deity]

wow, so typically religious

I'm not going to make you believe otherwise, but I just want to say this is a very narrow-minded line of thinking.

I just have one request; can you stop quoting the whole of Shuuda's posts? Seeing as he's the only one above you, and no posters in between, there's no need to quote, and it's taking up unnecessary page space and lagging my little precious computer. No, this isn't a mini-mod, this is a request from a fellow member. Good day. I'll get around to reading your story in just a moment.

I don't see anyone else protesting but you. If I quote Shuuda, its because I have to, so he can know I am referring to him, not that I just wanna do it for fun. And lagging is your problem, not mine. Wait no, that's your computer's problem, so deal with pc. XD

[Shuuda]

I don't see anyone else protesting but you. If I quote Shuuda, its because I have to, so he can know I am referring to him, not that I just wanna do it for fun. And lagging is your problem, not mine. Wait no, that's your computer's problem, so deal with pc. XD

Well actually, I agree with him. If you are responding to a post right above, then it is rather pointless to quote.

And lagging is your problem, not mine.

What would Jesus say man! You are just a plain bad person.

[Deity]

Well actually, I agree with him. If you are responding to a post right above, then it is rather pointless to quote.

What would Jesus say man! You are just a plain bad person.

You don't believe in Jesus, so that was more of a useless statement.

Actually, if I is a bad person, than you are worse than me.

[Shuuda]

First of all, it does not matter what I believe here. He's your saviour, you should be first to follow his example. Second of all, just because I do not believe in god, does not mean I do not believe that Jesus existed.

And finally, me worse than you? I think if you were to ask a few people in this thread, they would say different (not including people who are on your friend list, for obvious reasons). I mean, who is the one who spent the vast majority of their post in this thread making a bunch of claims without any evidence. You were.

Edited February 12, 2009 by Shuuda

[TLSothe]

First of all, it does not matter what I believe here. He's your saviour, you should be first to follow his example. Second of all, just because I do not believe in god, does not mean I do not believe that Jesus existed.

And finally, me worse than you? I think if you were to ask a few people in this thread, they would say different.

*Zips my mouth shut* Just don't ask me. I think Shuuda knows what my answer would be...

[Shuuda]

Judging by your friend list, it is obvious. Plus, I clearly referred to people who had already posted in the thread.

Of course, it is not like you would have any proof for your answer; beyond the fact that I am at odds with your friend.

[TLSothe]

Judging by your friend list, it is obvious. Plus, I clearly referred to people who had already posted in the thread.

Of course, it is not like you would have any proof for your answer; beyond the fact that I am at odds with your friend.

*Chuckles* Evidently he wouldn't know.

[Deity]

*Grabs both troublemakers by ears and takes them to the exit...*

"Alright, youngsters, out you go."

*Tosses Shuuda outside of topic with a kick in the ass. Next, he shoves the captain out.*

*smiles*

I will be posting the finale tomorrow, if God is willing. Expect two very long posts...and I mean long. ^^

[Agro]

I don't see anyone else protesting but you. If I quote Shuuda, its because I have to, so he can know I am referring to him, not that I just wanna do it for fun. And lagging is your problem, not mine. Wait no, that's your computer's problem, so deal with pc. XD

You could say something like this:

@Shuuda: *blahblah*

or do this:

*snip*

Also, what does God have to do with your story-posting, anyway?

[Shuuda]

I will be posting the finale tomorrow, if God is willing. Expect two very long posts...and I mean long. ^^

What the heck; your plot has barely gone anywhere, and your writing the finale? Correct me if I am wrong, but are you not missing a few things. Namely:

- Character development.

- Some in depth world-building. (Emphasis on "in depth").

- The whole middle of the story where things happen.

Every post in this story so far has bascily been an over bloated introduction to your cardboard cut out characters. You can not honestly suggest that this equals good? There has been nothing so far that advances either plot or character in any significant way. Presenting the finale now would screw up the pacing; since the majority has been snail paced. It really makes me question how much thought into this story.

I understand your current desperation to finally finish something. But sweet Jesus, try taking your time, and actually think about what you are writing. If you ever try to claim this as a good finished piece of work at any point, I will laugh my head off.

Edited February 12, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

You could say something like this:

or do this:

Also, what does God have to do with your story-posting, anyway?

Ask Shuuda that, he brought Jesus up. I simply implied that if God was willing I'd post the story today.

What the heck; your plot has barely gone anywhere, and your writing the finale? Correct me if I am wrong, but are you not missing a few things. Namely: --I am not missing anything, I'm at where I wanted to be.

- Character development. ---Why would I develop characters when I already did? It was a short story, an excerpt. Do you know what an excerpt is?

- Some in depth world-building. (Emphasis on "in depth"). Again, its an excerpt, a short passage, not a whole story where a writer can go crazy painting a world.

- The whole middle of the story where things happen. --I beg your pardon, things will happen in the last posts, the things I was building up for. My dear Shuuda, you have read that the characters headed to the village for one simple reason. Do I need to explain to you why? I guess not.

Every post in this story so far has bascily ((Basically))been an over bloated introduction to your cardboard cut out characters. You can not honestly suggest that this equals good? There has been nothing so far that advances either plot or character in any significant way. ((Do you even believe this yourself?))Presenting the finale now would screw up the pacing; since the majority has been snail paced. It really makes me question how much thought into this story. ((Plenty of thought, I assure you))

I understand your current desperation to finally finish something. But sweet Jesus, try taking your time, and actually think about what you are writing. If you ever try to claim this as a good finished piece of work at any point, I will laugh my head off. ((Oh, its getting finished. And its not because I am desperate. An excerpt is a short passage...and I said that all from the start.))

As usual, you have my answers within your quoting.

[Shuuda]

--I am not missing anything, I'm at where I wanted to be.

So, a bad story is where you want to be?

---Why would I develop characters when I already did? It was a short story, an excerpt. Do you know what an excerpt is?

Character development means just as much in a short story as it does in a novel. And, the excerpts you have posted generally give a bad impression on your story.

--I beg your pardon, things will happen in the last posts, the things I was building up for. My dear Shuuda, you have read that the characters headed to the village for one simple reason. Do I need to explain to you why? I guess not.

Oh wow, heading for a village, so interesting. That's hardly plot advancing, since 90% of what we see in the journey is just about how great the cardboard characters are.

((Do you even believe this yourself?))

Well, all the evidence (namely what you have posted in the excerpt thread) is in my favour in this. Essentially, all that we have seen so far is this:

- People travelling to village.

- Paragraphs upon paragraphs of infodumping and overly long character introductions.

- Omg Rad is so awesome!

((Plenty of thought, I assure you))

Oh yes, your recycled main character, world, and forum member insertions prove that.

((Oh, its getting finished. And its (it's) (yes, I can correct your failures in even most basic grammar as well) not because I am desperate. An excerpt is a short passage... and I said that all from the start.))

First of all: as I said earlier, the excerpts are pretty dreadful; which lead to overall impression that the whole story will be just as bad.

Second of all, if these are just excerpts, then is the finale really the best thing to post. Spoilers spoilers. Not that it is not completely predictable.

[Deity]

Now you are just trolling, so I suggest you stop your pitiful attempts.

[Shuuda]

Now you are just trolling, so I suggest you stop your pitiful attempts.

Your argument please. You cannot hide behind a wall of calling people trolls. It is easy to see when you are looking for excuses.

Edited February 12, 2009 by Shuuda

[Bohemund]

I have to agree with Shuuda, you'd be rushing the story if the next two posts are the "finale." You may have built a background of each characer for the reader, but there is not much character development overall. There is much to wonder how they'd interact with one another and what their personalities are like apart from everyone else. I believe Rhaan is the only one I can barely identify with so far, but that's probably because he gets a whole post for himself. However, in the end, it is your story. Write as you wish.

Oh... and an excerpt isn't a short story, it is a mere passage of a larger tale. Saying this is only an excerpt implies there is actually a very large story attached to it. You're writing a short story. Don't be using terms that are untrue.

Edited February 12, 2009 by Bohemund