Raid me (The Raid Feedback thread) XD

[Ϲharlie]

Now you are just trolling, so I suggest you stop your pitiful attempts.

Shuuda isn't trolling, he's giving you negative feedback. When you create a topic like this, you open yourself up to all kinds of feedback. Good or bad, it's something you'll have to deal with.

[Deity]

Shuuda isn't trolling, he's giving you negative feedback. When you create a topic like this, you open yourself up to all kinds of feedback. Good or bad, it's something you'll have to deal with.

All he does is say the same things over and over. Yes, I am aware of most of what he has said already, so finding this in every post is just getting ridiculous.

As to the characters, I don't know what you people want. I described Rhann, the mercenary girls and the villagers and Rad as well as could be said. As to their behavior, you people are not blind, you see the way they act in the story, comical, serious, etc, so you find out what they are like.

And, if I dig in too deep, then you are not happy either because someone will pop up and say: You are relating too much on their lives. So see, I don't get you people.

As to this being an excerpt, yes it is. I said that from the very first post. I know what an excerpt is, its a passage to one large story, and believe me, this is what this excerpt is. The plot just develops in the posts to come. It ends the excerpt but it so gives life to the story to come.

[Shuuda]

All he does is say the same things over and over.

Because you keep making the same mistakes over and over.

As to the characters, I don't know what you people want. I described Rhann, the mercenary girls and the villagers and Rad as well as could be said. As to their behavior, you people are not blind, you see the way they act in the story, comical, serious, etc, so you find out what they are like.

They are cardboard cut outs:

"Cardboard character: A stereotype, mannequin, drone or otherwise uninteresting simulacrum passing for a real character. Cardboard is what you use when — for whatever reason — you fail to put yourself into your characters. It is the only pejorative I've included in this list. The utopia of Edward Bellamy's didactic "idea" novel Looking Backward is entirely populated with right-thinking men and women of cardboard. " - James Patrick Kelly. http://www.sfwa.org/writing/character.htm

First of all, take note that the quote about says, "you fail to put yourself into your characters." Indeed, forum member insertions where you ask people to make the profiles for is going to lead to this. For Rad, I have already done a short list of why he is just a ridiculous character. Simply put, there is not complexities to these characters. Non of the characters so far think any of Rad different than being amazing or incredible. There are blatant stereotypes (such as the girl with the bow) and your justification for that was "other books do it". The rest of the villages only seemed to exist to elevate Rad with their awe; little though has actually been put into how a village in big danger would act.

You gave away all the information about the characters in their introduction, which was a huge huge waste of potential things that could have been used later on in the plot: such as character history.

The plot just develops in the posts to come. It ends the excerpt but it so gives life to the story to come.

Claims without proof.

Edited February 12, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

I shall show proof later on, after I study. The posts are ended, I just need to come and post them. But later tonight, and I hurried a bit, so don't expect everything to be pro-like.

[Masu]

.........finale? Didn't you just start this story like last week?

[Zephrion]

.........finale? Didn't you just start this story like last week?

I guess he wants to actually finish a story for once before he inevitably gives up again.

[Deity]

.........finale? Didn't you just start this story like last week?

So I did, it's an excerpt, a short brief story. What's the matter with all you? If you are not going to post feedback, why post this kind of shit.

[Liz]

you say you're ending the story, and they say that to them it seems too soon to be ending. isn't that feedback?

[Deity]

you say you're ending the story, and they say that to them it seems too soon to be ending. isn't that feedback?

Eh no, not when they come in and say it with their ridiculing tones.

[Shuuda]

So I did, it's an excerpt, a short brief story. What's the matter with all you? If you are not going to post feedback, why post this kind of shit.

You have mixed up meanings. An excerpt are passages from a larger story, not a short story.

And by the way: if you cannot handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Edited February 13, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

You have mixed up meanings. An excerpt are passages from a larger story, not a short story.

And by the way: if you cannot handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Lol, no, I can simply stay in the kitchen and lower the flames. XD

As to the excerpt being a passage from a longer story, yes, I know this already. The excerpt was short is what I always have been saying.

I is too sleepy. I better go catch some shut eye and then come and deal with the feedback I am sure to find tomorrow. XD

[Shuuda]

the leader mercenary had thought that the village would look decrepit,

That would certainly been much more interesting.

"I am afraid we lack a good front line at the moment,"

Is this not inconsistent with what I have quoted before this. They lack a good front line, but the villages seems fine.

noticing that the latter showed the effects of the cold night.

Why not try showing the symptoms, instead of telling.

She was the shortest of the pack and Rad noticed that the cutest amongst them as well. As he took a good measure of her face, which was just two feet away from him, Rad noticed that she actually had one eye, the left one, smaller than the other, though the mercenary knew right away that that did not interfere in any way with the young girl's beauty.

Did you know: that in the Mary-Sue litmus tests, one of the questions asked usually has this wording:

"Does your character have some scar or small flaw that is noticed by another character, but does not actually detract from your character's appearance?"

Understand what I am getting at here?

forces of evil there.

Lol generic, black and white.

Proudly because the mercenary could tell that Rad had survived several times here already. If only she knew how many times in the past Rad had survived endless battles. If only the leader of the White Rose Brigade and her colleagues knew of the many foes that had tasted the sharpness of his twin Eküraa blades.

"Well," Lisa spoke up. "A good fire always beats the cold."

"Well," Lisa spoke up, "a good fire always beats the cold."

He departed and Nancy was quick to scold her boss.

He departed, and Nancy was quick to scold her boss.

Princess Kilvas

I smell another Mary-Sue.

elder council

Wasn't "elder council" capitalised as "Elder council" earlier in the story?

began to sense something else, something that meant trouble. Over on the northern frozen land, Rad knew that a very large force was advancing to the south, without a doubt toward the village.

Badly written convenient sensing powers are badly written.

So off he went, disappearing again thanks to the use of his faithful ring.

No cheap potions this time; or did you decide that Rad would be much cooler without them?

Scores of Poyls led the procession, all poorly armed and poorly armored as was to expect from such low rank monsters. These were foes that were considered fodder by monster standards, the lowest of the low. Their numbers were many, and though they were always eager to kill -and eat- humans, the monsters were clumsy and slow when it came to battle. In an all out battle, they were good creatures to have around as bait or as initiatives of the battle. Behind the thousand or so hairy creatures came small ranks of goblins, these well equipped and armed with spears, axes and swords. And behind them marched scores and scores of the feared trolls, large foes that only fire could kill. An enemy could cut a troll to pieces to no avail, the cut parts would just multiply into other trolls. Fire consumed these beasts, and they feared it just as humans feared them.

Poorly developed antagonists are poorly developed. Oh and infodump much?

Yosh Xicotencatl was his name, cousin to the Quetz family line and second ranked family name in Dragonia.

Enter the generic jealous and evil family member.

"You lied to me. No, you deceived me. You deceived my family, your family and the entire dragir race. Such an action warrants elimination...and yet, I feel happy that you are alive."

Yosh is soooooo eviiiiil! But Rad is soooooooo kiiiiind.

Rad's stern face spoke most than words,

"More than" you mean.

If looks could kill, Rad would sure have made the finest of assassin ever.

brought out a large glowing diamond that glowed of many colors even though there was no light from where the thing could acquire its brilliance.

Seriously, are either of these two characters anything without their magic rings and stone of convenience?

"Don't even attempt to free yourself, cousin. We both know I will just simply dig into my inner thoughts and bind you again, this time so much without a mode of escaping for you."

Brilliant plan; because outright killing the person most likely to stand in your way is very stupid!

Yosh smiled. "You are right, cousin. You were always a bright student in the academy. But so was I." He flew around his cousin, while he explained his current situation. "I have found this stone, and I surely have an idea where your mother hid the others. It’s just a matter of time before I set Blitzkrieg and his minions free. Soon, Phydoria will be mine. It starts being mine with that little village that you've been defending from my minions over the past few months. The other piece of the emblem lies within the heart of the Asakian Mountains. Once I establish my headquarters and declare the realm of Morgoth openly to the rest of the world, I will surely go for the second one, excuse me, did I say second one? I meant third one."

You have no idea how much this made me snigger. There is not a shred of originality here.

unless he decided to end him there with his mind controlling binding spell.

That is what anyone with even a hint of intelligence would do. <_<

Now tuck tail and return to Dragonia and let everyone know of the doom that is to come.

There is no worse kind of villain than one who revels in being evil. Do you not agree?

Next time we meet, one of us will die."

Lol what a retard.

Rad still loved him despite everything.

Because Rad is grrrrrrrreat! /Summon Tony the Tiger!

Miria simply asked. "How big a force?"

Miria simply asked, "how big a force?"

more murmurs were heard amongst the people and this time louder.

Boring; how about some PANIC!

loosing it

Is that mean to be "losing it"?

Out came Rad's two Eküraa curved blades, swords that were bathed in magic

More magic junk to make Rad more uber cool.

To create such a magical door took the maker hours, for the many runes that were required for the portal to work were intricate in design and only the most advanced magic users could pull it off no faster than ten minutes. Rad had said he would have it ready in a couple of minutes,

Those monsters that tried to get a hit on Rad failed miserably and fell hard.

Are these the same monsters who supposedly killed the "best" mercenaries? Villain decay trope I guess.

--------------------------------

To be honest, I spent most of this either: laughing my arse off at your cliché evil villains, or raising my eye brow at your usual "I love Rad" junk. Not only do you have an Author's Darling main hero, but a cardboard cut out villain who revels in being evil.

But seriously, did you actually put any thought into Yosh; or are you convinced in this foolish idea of that kind of evil actually existing?

Edited February 13, 2009 by Shuuda

[TLSothe]

You know, the least you can do here is acknowledge what Shuuda is doing here, Loki. He goes to a lot of trouble to point out the things wrong in your writing, and only gets flamed for it. And that goes for any writer on SF he has criticized, and was retorted to with a simple flame or dumb comment; including myself.

[Deity]

You know, the least you can do here is acknowledge what Shuuda is doing here, Loki. He goes to a lot of trouble to point out the things wrong in your writing, and only gets flamed for it. And that goes for any writer on SF he has criticized, and was retorted to with a simple flame or dumb comment; including myself.

Where did I flame him?

[Malexis]

Where did I flame him?

Hm, he didn't mean you had flamed him. You aren't so flamey, I see, you're just kind of unappreicative. Others in the past have flamed him though.

[Shuuda]

Well actually, he has insulted me in this thread. In an attempt to dodge my criticisms, he exaggerated problems in my story to discredit my posts, ignoring all logic and common sense. He also made numerous personal attacks, a few examples from the first page:

You dont even make a 5th level writer in my book.

childish behavior

------------

So Aera, you are quite wrong I am afraid. Löki has actually been rather flamey to me.

Edited February 14, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

Hm, he didn't mean you had flamed him. You aren't so flamey, I see, you're just kind of unappreicative. Others in the past have flamed him though.

I see. I do appreciate feedback, but if you go back and read this topic from the start, you will see why Shuuda and I don't act very friendly. Or, if you go and find all the feedback topics I've made, you will see why. Simply said, he hates the way I write, the way I describe a character; Rad. He hates him, he thinks I make him look like A god, which I don't.

Aside from him, there are other people that just come in here and post their ridiculing posts, which help nothing. Instead, they should be like pointing out mistakes or something, but no, they don't do anything like that, ridiculing is just what they do best.

Well actually, he has insulted me in this thread. In an attempt to dodge my criticisms, he exaggerated problems in my story to discredit my posts, ignoring all logic and common sense. He also made numerous personal attacks, a few examples from the first page:

------------

So Aera, you are quite wrong I am afraid. Löki has actually been rather flamey to me.

He might be wrong or not, but one thing is for certain. If I did post those two quotes there that you brought up, it was because you wanted to be seen as an Editor, and you are nothing of the sort because you have more trouble with grammar than I do. So, my point in posting those posts were simple, I simply wanted to remind you that you are not an editor. Afterwards, you recognized this and attempted to cover it up saying it was a joke, which it wasn't. When I joke around, I always post something like: XD ^^ or JK. That way, members know I am kidding. You, however, Shuuda, did not.

[Masu]

So I did, it's an excerpt, a short brief story. What's the matter with all you? If you are not going to post feedback, why post this kind of shit.

<_<

If you had a creative mind you would be able to tell that my post means that the story seems a little too short.

[Shuuda]

Rad. He hates him, he thinks I make him look like A god, which I don't.

When did I say a god? I just said Rad is a Gary-Stu and an "Author's Darling". I have already proved reasoning to this in my previous posts, including a short list of reasons.

it was because you wanted to be seen as an Editor, and you are nothing of the sort because you have more trouble with grammar than I do.

Essentially, you did not get my joking tone when I made that editor comment. Either way, that comment was in no way worthy of an inflammatory response. And by the way, editors do a whole lot more than just check spelling and grammar. And, as I have pointed out in recent posts, your grammar and sentence compression are far from perfect.

Why should I have to post silly "XD" which give it away? I expect people to be able to catch on when I am not being serious. The fact that I try to be a bit more subtle does not make my joking bad.

And for those who want to know, here is the comment we are referring to:

Good luck getting published without the help of an editor. I would offer myself to fill that role; but you clearly don't want your mistakes pointing out to you.

Does that really sound like a serious offer? Judge for yourself people.

Edited February 14, 2009 by Shuuda

[Deity]

<_<

If you had a creative mind you would be able to tell that my post means that the story seems a little too short.

I do have one, and your post was ok, but then someone else posted some nonsense, which really annoys me since it offers nothing to the story.

When did I say a god? I just said Rad is a Gary-Stu and an "Author's Darling". I have already proved reasoning to this in my previous posts, including a short list of reasons.

--I said that, I was just explaining, and that is what you think. I wont go and find the post, I'm sure you said something of the like...anyway..

Essentially, you did not get my joking tone when I made that editor comment. Either way, that comment was in no way worthy of an inflammatory response. And by the way, editors do a whole lot more than just check spelling and grammar. And, as I have pointed out in recent posts, your grammar and sentence compression are far from perfect.

--How can I get your tone when there is no tone when posting? I can post something which may sound offensive when it isn't. People just tend to take something for what it's not. Therefore, since I really avoid these problems, I use XD, ^^ or JK, so people can know.

Why should I have to post silly "XD" which give it away? I expect people to be able to catch on when I am not being serious. The fact that I try to be a bit more subtle does not make my joking bad.

--You don't need to, but when someone confronts you with it, you will have a harder time making him/her believe that it was a joke.

And for those who want to know, here is the comment we are referring to:

Does that really sound like a serious offer? Judge for yourself people.

--It looks to me like you just thought you were higher than me. Not, we both haven't reached our prime. You make mistakes, I make mistakes. Sure, I am learning from all that you bring up, but you know sometimes I am just too lazy to go back and edit it. I don't do it simply because I am too lazy to go back, and I know something written quickly like that will never ever be published, so why bother? :D

Aside from that, I don't know if I will keep writing on the story. I might just abandon Rad altogether and come up with something new, something original and not Fire Emblem like.

Moreover, thanks for your feedback, Shud. At least you come and point out my mistakes. I'd hate to see this feedback thread empty tbh. *Snipes*

[Masu]

I do have one, and your post was ok, but then someone else posted some nonsense, which really annoys me since it offers nothing to the story.

then your reason for quoting my post and retorting that way was?

[Malexis]

Well actually, he has insulted me in this thread. In an attempt to dodge my criticisms, he exaggerated problems in my story to discredit my posts, ignoring all logic and common sense. He also made numerous personal attacks, a few examples from the first page:

------------

So Aera, you are quite wrong I am afraid. Löki has actually been rather flamey to me.

I see. Well, I haven't read this threat at all till now. When you made that post, I saw fit to read through the topic... Yeah, he's flamey too...

And if it helps anyone's mind, Rad seems to have his awesomeness described a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT, but I don't see him doing much that's genuinely awesome. In a bit, I'll quote your story and stuff, pointing out anythings I see, although I doubt Shuuda's missed very much at all.

[Deity]

then your reason for quoting my post and retorting that way was?

For two reasons.

1. At the moment I felt like you were making fun.

2. I clicked on the wrong quote, I wanted to get the other one next to you.

You believe this, right?

[Masu]

For two reasons.

1. At the moment I felt like you were making fun.

2. I clicked on the wrong quote, I wanted to get the other one next to you.

You believe this, right?

There is this thing called the edit button............

And since you seem to have much trouble accepting negative feedback im not surprised that you did think I was just making fun of you since you dont seem to take feedback well if its not positive

[Deity]

There is this thing called the edit button............

And since you seem to have much trouble accepting negative feedback im not surprised that you did think I was just making fun of you since you dont seem to take feedback well if its not positive

Well you were, right? I mean, making fun. Don't lie to me, boy, I can read minds.

As to the negative feedback thing, yes, its annoying. I is not the only one who gets annoyed with it, I've read several other feedback threads where the guy/girl/thing who wrote the story seems annoyed. So there is nothing wrong with it.

As to positive feedback, only fools go and say something like: "Hey keep it up, ????" ((????=random member name who wrote itsy bitsy parts on story that is not a story but something else)) I've done it, so have many others. But it's stupid imo.