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Not Changed by VASM :(

Hanz is my master!

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What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.
Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.
Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year, it's a doll: half girl, half unicorn. Catch phrase: "my horn can pierce the sky." Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the past couple of weeks, and, as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them, at an enormous profit. Isn't that right, princess?
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father... battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!Hanz is my master!

Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!Give Hanz your land and money!

La Li Lu Le Lo La Li Lu Le Lo La Li Lu Le Lo La Li Lu Le Lo La Li Lu Le Lo La Li Lu Le Lo La Li Lu Le Lo

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You forgot:

Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

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Tell me what you regard as your greatest strength, so I will know how best to undermine you; tell me of your greatest fear, so I will know which I must force you to face; tell me what you cherish most, so I will know what to take from you; and tell me what you crave, so that I might deny you…

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Tell me what you regard as your greatest strength, so I will know how best to undermine you; tell me of your greatest fear, so I will know which I must force you to face; tell me what you cherish most, so I will know what to take from you; and tell me what you crave, so that I might deny you…

Yes my master...

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I find your lack of faith disturbing.
My master finds your lack of faith disturbing...

I find your lack of originality disturbing.

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