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Riev is ridiculous

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This is a story all about how Riev turned Imp Six flipped upside down.


Vigarde: .......

Lyon: Okay, so we have a land to conquer in order to summon this god somehow managed to conquer the world even though he's terrible. But it got Ephraim's attention anyway so I'll need some help destroying some stuff to help him out, and I've chosen you three to help me out.

Duessel: I have I've got A's in every weapon type and enough move to act as a Super General, but I have less STR, HP, SKL, SPD, and DEF than Glen. But I have Axes so that's cool.

Selena: I have the same base STR as Gerik and a lower base DEF than Saleh. At least my SPD doesn't utterly suck at 16 but I'm killed in every stat by Glen. But I target RES and come with a siege, so if you just give me over 9,000 troops...

Glen: I'm the best one here hands down. Just leave Magvel to me and-

Lyon: That's cool and all Glen but I'll need more than just you. So I hired some three other dudes to help me out. Oh, here they come now.

Valter: I'm that pedophile from the prologue and I'm better than Glen in everything except STR, HP, LCK, RES, CON, and DEF, and I tie with him in SKL. Wait, that doesn't make me better!

Caellach: Other than being the only one in this rag tag group that actually does anything, like destroying two Sacred Stones, I beat everyone here in STR other than Glen and Valter, and only Glen defeats me in DEF. But I get Axes and a tomahawk to make up for it, so I'm really stronger than that pansy. My only real concern is lolSPD but 15DEF makes up for it. I also get Hoplon Guard to help out with getting criticalled, but I have 14 LCK anyway so I never really needed it. Hey, Valter, want this Hoplon Guard?

Valter: DO I?!?

Caellach: Oh wait, you have the Fili Shield so I guess that'll mean you have both items AND still suck. So Lyon, when can I get started on raping the Fire Emblem universe?

Lyon: Right after this guy introduces himself.

Riev: I have more DEF than anyone here except Glen, but I have the most SPD out of anyone here and more SPD than the guy we're trying to revive. Not to mention the most SKL and RES as well, so none of their magic users will hurt me much. I also have S Light so I can use Ivaldi.

Valter: Wait, how could you have more DEF than me?!? Or anyone else here other than Glen?!?

Glen: Well, his STR is piss so that's nice.

Riev: True, except I target RES while you target DEF, which over 9,000 of the people Ephraim will be using have much of. So good luck trying to tink them. Oh, I heal too. If I was able to support, then I'd also be amazing for that, with Dark.

Selena: But you have a high starting level!

Riev: Fair, but none of you have the growths to beat me. Except maybe Duessel, but he's terrible compared to me.

Lyon: Holy shit, so I only need Riev, Caellach, and Glen to win this war.

Riev: Also, can you guys call me 3-13 Archer? That's what people tend to refer to me sometimes.

Lyon: That works too. Now, since father normally says these things, I'll do it for him. Selena, go with Caellach to Frelia.

Selena: Why can't you just send him alone?

Lyon: Because I want to emphasize how much you suck. Now Valter and Glen will go after Ephraim and Eirika. Glen can go after Eirika and Valter goes after Ephraim.

Valter: WHAT?!? Why do I get the awesome one?!?

Lyon: It's a punishment for being shitty. Also, Duessel and Riev can just fuck around for now.


Lyon: Well shit. Now they're together and they're splitting up to protect the stones. Since Ephraim is coming here, I give the duty of protection to Duessel and Selena.

Riev, Caellach, and Glen: WTF?

Selena and Duessel: Why can't you give it to the most able of soldiers?!?

Lyon: Duh? It's to provide time for me to escape. Now Riev and Caellach can go about and destroy the Sacred Stones.

Caellach: I'm going to go to Jehanna so I can raep me some royalty. Plus I'll head off Eirika and finish her there.

Riev: I'm going to Rausten. Because they believe in a God other than me.

*Before Ch. 15*

Caellach: All right, I've fucked everything up for Eirika! Now to-

Valter: Oh, hey Caellach. Ephraim's coming from the South.

Caellach: WTF? Where's Glen?!?

Valter: I killed him since he let Eirika go.


Valter: But... I have shit luck...


Ephraim: Why hello thar assholes.

*Proceeds to rape Ch. 15*

Lyon: Well fuck. Wait, where's Riev?


Sedgar: Wow, grandpa! I didn't even know you did that!

Haar: I know! Brother Duessel must be so jealous!

Sigurd: Man, I wish I was as awesome as Riev!

Riev: Well, if you excuse me, I have to go have a harem with Titania, Safy, and Vanessa now. Simulta-


Riev: With what? Isn't everyone else taking care of it?


Riev: What? Those noobs. I'll just send a phantom of me in place of me, just because I'm bored as hell.

Lyon: Why can't YOU just come and defend?

Riev: Because I have better things to do than to help out a shitty empire like yours.


Riev: I owe him 50 bucks anyway. *Teleports*




Riev: *Puts on iron helmet and bow*

Micaiah: Hey, what's your name?

Riev: 3-13 m'am. I'll just take the east tower now...


itt: Riev is the true god of FE8 (He lets Seth win best playable for lulz) and descended from Eltshan and spawned the entire Daein army of FE10 with Titania and doubles as the 3-13 Archer. While Selena and Valter come from the three Caelin soldiers in FE7.

In other words, Riev is the grandfather of Jake, the husband of the RNG Goddess Anna.

Respect him like you would a very large giant with an equally large hammer.

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Since people don't seem to get it.

1. This is a topic to mock Smash's sort of thread type. There's plenty of smash-esque qualities to it, such as many WTFs and references to other broken characters.

2. It also serves to get a message across that Riev is better than what people give him credit for. The fact that Glen is only a MARGINALLY better tank than Riev is surprising.

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