Bad Fanfic Theater: My Inner Life

[Dark Sage]

FINALLY AN UPDATE! WOO HOO! Sorry I've been letting this slide, I've been extremely busy.

Chapter 2 (Might as well cover this all): The Wedding (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Loved Alcohol)

It was the day of our wedding and I had been nervous all day long. The time to walk down the isle drew near, and I felt a rush of nervousness run through me. But I was not going to let that stop my wedding day. I was in the bridal chamber with Impa and Princess Zelda. As Impa and Princess Zelda worked on my hair, I stared down at my dress, fingering with the lacy design at my waist.

Yes because the princess and her nurse have nothing better to do than to wait on you hand and foot.

The dress was the most beautiful and the most expensive I had ever seen. The King had spared no expense when he had it made. The top of the dress was a low "V" cut with lace that crisscrossed in front of my breasts to hold them up. And a feathery lace design lined the edges. Inter woven in the lace was an intricate design of pearls and at the very center was a gold Triforce design. The lace design "V at the waist and a different lace pattern started where the other left off. The other pattern was all of the Triforce design. Smaller gold Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. The sleeves were a see through lace that ran from mid arm all the way down to my wrist and attached at my middle finger. My veil had a full pearl design at the front and small solid white Triforce designs lines the edges. After I was fully dressed all that was left to do was finish my hair.

Costume poorn, costume poorn, costume porn is n-ev-er fun (in singsong voice). Also this has been brought up by everyone and their mother who MST'd this, but the Triforce is a religious symbol and almost never goes on your random clothes.

Impa stopped working on my hair and let Zelda finish it. She walked over to a table and picked something up. When she came back over she handed me a gold choker that had a Triforce charm with a Diamond dangling in the center. I looked up at Impa while I fingered it. It was very beautiful. I started to say something but Impa interrupted me. "It will look beautiful on you." She took it and the Sheika smiled as she fastened it around my neck. Then I smiled back at her." Thank you Impa." "Its very beautiful."

More Triforce as decorations? And why is she giving it to you of all people. Why not Zelda, her liege?

Just then Princess Zelda said she was done with my hair. I walked over to a mirror to take a look. The sides of my hair were done into a halo braid. The back of my hair was done up into four smaller braids that looped up and attached to the back of f the halo braid. A silvery lace ran from the front of my hair to the back of my head and then around the four smaller braids. As I touched my hair with my hand I turned to look at Princess Zelda and smiled at her. "Thank you soo much, I just love it." I cooed as she smiled back.

As princess Zelda looked me over she said something was missing. After thinking for a bit, she turned and walked over to her vanity and opened up a small jewelry box. She picked up something out of it closed the jewelry box lid and walked back over to me.

Taking my left hand she held up my hand and fastened a beautiful gold bracelet around my wrist. Looking at it I could tell it was real expensive. The bracelet was of pure solid gold. At the center was a Triforce charm. Diamonds lined the edges of the bracelet and Rubies lined the inner part. At the center of the Triforce charm was an Emerald.

I was dreading this part so much. First off, why would Zelda give all her jewelry to her? She may be a friend, but even friends don't give things of great beauty and sentimental value like that! It seems as if Jenna is a toxic friend, sucking Zelda dry, taking her respect, dignity, position (gonna be lined up as queen if Zelda doesn't marry) and her possessions, while only getting token appreciation in return. Are we supposed to be happy for Jenna?

I looked back up at Princess Zelda and she smiled a kind of a sad smile. "It was my mother's." "But I want you to have it." She said with a hint of sadness in her voice. A blank looked crossed my face as I looked back down at the bracelet. "I....I cannot accept this." I said as I held my wrist back out at her. Princess Zelda blinked in surprise. "Nonsense....mother would have done the same thing if she were here." "Besides I want you to have it." "It looks beautiful on you." "Take it........and that's an order." Impa nodded in agreement and I smiled back. "Thank you soo much!" I said as I hugged my friend. Satisfied with how I looked we got my bouquet and headed towards the courtyard.

*Bangs head on keyboard* Ok, First of all, you don't give a memento of your dead mother to a person who takes away everything from you! I don't care if you're "sisters" but even I wouldn't give a memento of my theoretically dead parent to anybody, even if they were my best friend and grew up with me. Second of all, the Triforce isn't like polka-dots. You can't just put it on all your clothes, it has significant symbolic value and religious, spiritual, and historical significance. Doing that is like spitting on the entire kingdom of Hyrule.

And finally if you think this is heartwarming and justified:

The wedding was about to begin. There was a loud bustle as people tried to find their seats. Everyone in Hyrule had attended. Even all of the sages had to attend. The King would settle for no less. All of Hyrule was going to witness Link and I being wed. As the crowd begun to settle down the King came to my side. Since he was like a father to me, he was going to be the one who was giving me away to Link. I started to get nervous again as the wedding music begun to play.

I question the king's leadership abilities if he spends what must be nearly the entire treasury on a wedding. Second, this is complete wish fulfillment. You know people won't do that at your own wedding, so you have everyone worship the ground you walk on. Thirdly, don't the sages have much more important things to do then attend some bitch's wedding?

First the flower girl went out. As she spread the flower petals along the red carpet she looked like a little angel. I hoped that the day Link and I had children we would have a girl as pretty as her. Then I watched as all my brides maids were walked out one by one with the ushers. Next I saw Link being walked out with Princess Zelda. He looked soo handsome dressed in Prince clothes as he walked down the isle. When he reached the alter and took his place it was my turn to walk. Taking the King's arm we begun to walk down the isle. As we walked my eyes darted around the room. The nervousness rushed over me. Then my eyes landed on Link. I could see his beautiful smile, but since I was nervous I was glad Link could not see my face from underneath my veil.

This is paddinggg, this is paddinggg, this is padding, padding, padding!

When we reached the alter, I took my place at Link's left. Zelda my Maid of Honor was to my left, and Daurina Link's Best Man was to his right. Before I fixed my eyes forward I looked at Link from the corner of my eye. Man how I loved him. Then the preacher begun to speak.

"We have gathered here today to witness this man and woman being joined in Holy Matrimony." "This is a special time, a Holy time when a man and a woman come together and are joined under the witness of god." "May your marriage bring long life and happiness." "Do you Link take this woman to be your wife, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?"

Hyrule is not Christian! Hyrule is polytheistic. They worship multiple gods and have pagan traditions. This makes no sense whatsoever. There are no preachers at all, and this is cheesy, contrived, and insulting to all Zelda fans.

Why do I picture looking and sounding like the guy who did Marge's and Homer's wedding?

"Yes I do." Link responded. 'And do you Jenna take this man to be your husband, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?" "Yes…Yes I do." I said softly. " The rings please." The preacher gestured for the ring bearer to bring over the rings. We were handed each other's ring and told to give each other our personal vows. Taking my left hand Link slid the ring on my finger. "With this ring I thee wed." Link said with passion. Then I took his left hand and slid the ring on his finger. "With this ring I thee wed." I said as I looked deeply into his eyes.

We then looked back at the preacher and he finished the ceremony. "If there is anyone who thinks this man and woman should not be joined let them speak now or forever hold their peace." After a moment of silence, the preacher spoke again. "By the power vested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may now kiss the bride." Gently Link lifted up my veil and for a moment we stared deeply into each other's eyes. Then I closed my eyes, as he gently took me into his arms and gently pressed his lips on mine. Then every one started clapping as we made our marriage final. I felt a rush of happiness run through me. It felt warm, like the sun. As we kissed everything was silent, only the sound of our hearts beating together was heard. This was the happiest day of my life.

Next I gestured for all of my Bride's Maids and my Maid of Honor to gather around behind me. Then I turned my back and threw the bouquet over my shoulder. Everyone reached to grab it, but it was Princess Zelda that caught it. I looked at her and a smile crossed her rosy face as I winked. She would be the next to wed. Then I looked at Link, smiled at him and took his arm. He led me out towards the reception hall as everyone threw rose petals over us.

The reception hall was set quite beautifully. There were flower displays, white dove symbols interlocked with the Triforce lined the walls, there were white candles lining the room and a huge wedding cake sat in the center. As everyone filled in to the room, Link and I went over to the cake and stood side by side behind it. The music begun to play as Link and I took the knife and cut the cake. We each took a piece and fed it to each other. He missed my mouth and got some on my face.

Next thing I knew we had cake all over our faces. And I giggled as I smeared some on his nose. People laughed at the funny sight and I smiled at Link as we started whipping the cake off our faces. There were two goblets sitting by the cake, and a bottle of Champagne next to them. Link popped the cork and poured the Champagne into the goblets. He put the bottle down and we picked up the goblets, interlocked arms and drank from each other's cups. Everyone clapped and then made a toast to our marriage. "May your life together bring happiness and new experiences!" Zelda said as she raised her goblet high "Here, here!!" Some one else yelled. Then the music changed in to a dance, and everyone crowded onto the ballroom floor. Link led me by the hand and the crowd formed a circle around us as we begun to dance together. As I danced with Link I felt like I was dancing on air. Felt light as a feather. I got into the music, my thoughts drifted and I begun to flow in unison with Link's body. He took the lead and I let myself go with the flow. As I looked into his beautiful dark blue eyes, there was passion flickering in them. His eyes made me melt in his arms, and as we danced together I felt at peace. When we were done dancing, it was time for our wedding song to be played.

Link had found someone to sing our wedding song. A beautiful young redheaded girl named Malon from Lon Lon ranch was to sing for us. She got up on the platform and started to sing "Your love floats on the wings of a dove" Malon's voice was very beautiful and as she sung the song it moved me. I moved closed to Link and laid my head on his shoulder. He took his arm and put it around me as Malon continued to sing. The song was so moving that tears of happiness begun to steam down my face. I looked deeply into Links deep blue eyes and whispered to him that he was my everything. My world. I saw love in his eyes, in his facial expressions, he brought my face closer to his and told me that I was his one true love, his first intimately, and his world. His passion made me feel good inside, warmed my soul. I felt like the sky was limit. And when I was with him it felt like flying.

At the end it was time for Link and I to leave for our Honeymoon. As we walked out of the castle and to the awaiting rusty brown mare, the King and Zelda had one last gift to give. Zelda walked up to me and took my hand placed an Ocarina in it and closed my fingers around it. "I want you to have this as my gift to you both." I looked at it and Link's face grew a surprised look. "Are you sure?" Link looked at her squarely. "I know that these are the keys to the door of time, but I think that it would be safer with the both of you." Zelda replied with a reassured look in her eyes. I looked at Link and he knew I was confused. "This is what Gannondorf used in tricking me to open the door to the Sacred Realm." Link said as remembered that day, he never forgot it. I remembered what I was told, the stories of Gannondorf. But Link and I holding the keys might be safer. "Thank you, we will take good care of it." I said as I hugged her and she smiled. Then the King hugged me, gave Link a pat on the back and a wink. I knew what he meant by that. Then we went to the horse that was waiting for us.

Link carried me to the saddle. The horse was Epona. There was a "Just Married" sign tied to the saddle over Epona's behind. Colored strings of yarn hung from the back of the saddle and from the bottom of the sign. Link lifted me up into the saddle then mounted in front of me. I threw my arms around his waist as he checked to see if I was ready. Then he gently booted Epona in the ribs and we took of at a gallop. I could hear the King and Zelda saying goodbye as we rode but soon their voices drifted into the distance.

......I have nothing to say here except may god have mercy on my soul and wash out the taste of diabetes.

Next time: The Honeymoon!

Edited July 31, 2010 by Dark Sage