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Rothene
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http://serenesforest...=0#entry1433689

Tell me what you think.

I would like any gramatical mistakes pointed out an anything that seems unclear or don't make sense pointed out as well. And if you have any ideas you wish to tell me to add to the setting, I'm all ears. Well, ideas through PM of course, won't wanna spoil the story for other readers.

I will persevere...

Edited by Rothene
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Something like 5-8 could be good for religious kick-start into life

That was the most subtle Catholic Pedophile joke I've ever heard.

Anyway, I'll probably read this.

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Fuck it. Review time.

Can't be arsed to do any of the other nations, but Letam is full of things that piss me off.

The Letam, first to rediscover the art of working metal they settle on the mountainous regions of the north where they have access to the most ores.

They also have beards, are short and solidly-built and like to sing loudly about gold.

Their metal is the strongest in the land, and only they know how to forge weapons made of Mithril, the only type of weapon lighter yet stronger than Silver Weapons.
I'm no metallurgist, but silver (which isn't a proper noun, and needs no capitalisation) is not a good material for weapons.
They have the best armored knights and myrmidons in the land.
This is the least interesting way of saying their martial theory is in two diametrically opposite schools I've ever heard.
Their young are trained in the ways of metal, in its making and use. Every Letamian worth his or her salt know how to forge their own personal weapon and all their armored knights take pride in proclaiming how their spirit leaks into their armour in the moment of forging. So does their myrmidons lay the same claim to their swords.
Long-winded. All we've learnt is there are a lot of ... it's just bland, arright?
A friendly rivalry exists between the weaponsmiths and armourers of Letam as well as those who advocate best defence is the best offence versus those who believe in quick decisive strikes.
There isn't any one thing wrong with this, it's just...engh.

Prologue: Part 1

The sky was clear and the wind was cool,

Should be a full stop, not a comma.

Gerald could hear the birds chirping as he walked down the road to get the bread from Baker Malcam as instructed by his mother. The eight year old boy walked with strides full of purpose. A strong sense of pride invaded him
Invaded has negative connotations.
After all he was doing a mission, like his father was in a far off place his mother told him.
After all, he was doing a mission...like his father, who Mother said was in a far-off place. Or something.
She also said he was a big boy now, and he could certainly run errands on his own. Thinking back on his father, the last he recalled was him ruffling his newly sprouting silver hair five years ago.
Silver hair. *COUGH*badsign*COUGH*
His father told him as a law-abiding citizen, it was his duty to serve in the army in troubled times, to keep Rekam safe from the Yracians. His father took his longbow and lead some of the young man from the village to the northen front. Gerald never saw any of them again.
Young men. Northern. Overall though? MANLY.
Everytime he asked his mother when will he see his father, she would merely say with a tear, "In a very long time son, be patient he is very far away, keeping us safe."

To correct this would shorten my lifespan. Grammatically it's like having a red-hot dildo shoved through your eye.

Since then, he never asked his mother the same question,
But you just said he's asked her multiple times.
but would always wait frustrated at why his father did not want to see them. For now, his mother was enough. The boys in the village would always practice their archery,
They sound more interesting and less silver-haired.
but young Gerald would rather stay with his mother and help out with the chores. The womenfolk did not like his mother and would ignore her often, Gerald always wondered why.

Due to not joining the other boys in their sports, Gerald had no friends.

Silver hair. Absent parent, presumably but not definitively dead. A loner. Oh, dear.
And the fact their parents would disallow them from interacting with him did not help his social life. His muscles and dexterity were trained by years of helping his mother carry stuff and follow her to the woods to scavenge for food.
That's not training. That's just existing.
He could boast the abbility to cook his own meals, tell between which plant is helpful for what and hunt game on his own, something the other children cannot achieve at his age.
The child who...isn't even started on his way to being a trained bowman. Right.
Lately, the villagers have started accepting them though.
Bah.
Baker Malcam was one of the first. He had given them bread on one winter when it was too cold to go out to scavenge for food and his mother was too ill to leave the bed. Malcam said something about not having the heart to see anymore villagers die when he could prevent it.
Okay, I'll be honest. This dude sounds like A Cool Guy. ...Fuck, he's gonna die, ain't he.
It was then that Gerald learned that Malcam was in truth a kind man, nothing like the gruff and cold baker Gerald thought he was years ago. Slowly, the rest of the village opened up to the small family of two. But the Gerald
The Gerald?
could not interact well with the children, for they had formed their own groups and consider him a stranger.

As usual, Gerald would hum to himself a simple tune his mother taught him when he was younger in hopes that he would meet some of the children at Baker Malcam's place, maybe make a friend or two. Hopefully, today will be different, he thought.

Sounds fairly...generic. Which is a bad thing if you aren't David Eddings. And I think he's dead.
His thoughts could not have been more true....................................

ELLIPSI HAVE THREE FULL STOPS. THREE. COUNT 'EM.

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Alright, will be making changes to them. Changes won't be immediate.

Hopefully it won't need to be a very massive overhaul of what is already written XD

Thanks for the pointers.

His father told him as a law-abiding citizen, it was his duty to serve in the army in troubled times, to keep Rekam safe from the Yracians. His father took his longbow and lead some of the young man from the village to the northen front. Gerald never saw any of them again.

Young men. Northern. Overall though? MANLY

I don't quite understand your message in this one.

It was then that Gerald learned that Malcam was in truth a kind man, nothing like the gruff and cold baker Gerald thought he was years ago. Slowly, the rest of the village opened up to the small family of two. But the Gerald

The Gerald?

Lol, didn't notice that one.

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Alright, will be making changes to them. Changes won't be immediate. Hopefully it won't need to be a very massive overhaul of what is already written XD Thanks for the pointers.

I don't quite understand your message in this one.

'S fine. You're doing better than most. And, Hel, it's the least I can do to help.

Merely that his father sounded like Another Cool Guy, if ... one that's almost definitely lying face down in a pool of his own blood. Also a couple typoes.

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  • 4 weeks later...

My turn!

In general: Past tense or present tense, not both.

The opening: I'm not a fan of horribly descriptive openings. It's too much information in too small a space. If I need to introduce people/countries/etc., I'll do so as they appear. Here's where I would've stopped the opening:

Hundreds of years pass, the humans, self proclaimed successor to the Forerunners, built seven mighty civilisations on seven parts of the world:

Furet got Chapter 1, so I'll comment on Chapter 2.

The man was smart and experienced, no doubt he had commited his fair share of kidnapping throughout his work.

Dude either needs a name, or is about to die. That's the feeling I get from this man.

Joukaha was again forced to allow them the honour of attacking from the east, if such men knew what honour was

Uh, why is it honourable to attack from the east?

They were everything the southerners hate about Yracians, cunning, merciless, greedy and brutal. Barbaric even by Yracian standards, no other Yracian tribe have raided the southern lands as often or commited as much attrocities as the Kaerhu. Even the mercenaries from the desperate Susil tribes could be trusted as the sellswords always honour their contract. Kaerhu were bandits thorugh and through, but they are currently too large and powerful to be dealt with without great costs for the Yracians. For now, Joukaha had to accept them as untrustworthy allies at best.

This is my kind of description! It tells me about the Kaerhu, Susil, and Joukaha, but not so much that I lose interest.

The horse knocked into Joukaha, sending him back to his men as they closed in for the kill. A normal man would have been crushed by that force, but in Yrac, only the strongest could survive and the average Yracian have much tougher bones than those of other lands. Joukaha was considered very powerful among Yracians.

I'll let this one go. . .for now. Don't make all your characters OMG-powerful.

Now it was a test of mettle and time. The Yracians would be able to keep up the assault long after the Rekamites grow too tired to hold up their shields, but could they end the fight before any patrol passes by and sends for reinforcements? Joukaha know all too well that his man can never outrun horses.

Then a thought crossed Joukaha's mind, where are the Kaerhu bandits?

Nice ending.

Hope you keep writing!

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Dude either needs a name, or is about to die. That's the feeling I get from this man.

Uh, why is it honourable to attack from the east?

I'll let this one go. . .for now. Don't make all your characters OMG-powerful.

I'll give said dude a name when I figure out what to call him.

Hmm...will have to rephrase the sentence of the 'honour' thingy

This one was to give readers a feel of just how ridiculously inhuman Yracians are. Well, Joukaha is supposed to be the type who led due to him being more powerful than the rest. So other characters shouldn't turn out as strong as him...unless they are Yracians with magic aplifying their physical traits.

Edited by Rothene
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  • 3 weeks later...

Okay, I skimmed through. I'll give a larger synopsis later, but here's one thing;

'Darn' does not work in the mouth of a thuggish barbarian. 'Darn' is the kind of word used in children's television. 'Darn' sucks out the tension from a scene almost as much as 'bottom', and if the word 'pee' is ever mentioned by god I will personally shove this manuscript down the throats of my murder victims.

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  • 6 months later...

Rarrgh!!! Retconned Chapter 1 part 2..(actually just altered it by replacing pointless archery with sitting in a generic eastern-ish pavillion feeding carps/koi)

And added Chapter 1 part 3(about time...)

Sorry for the wait...whoever was waiting.

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