Colonel M Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 (edited) Story I guess despite it just opening, I probably should put on here. I have a rocky time with fanfictions and to be frank I've only written like one before. Like, hate, suggestions, etc. Feel free to post. Edited April 18, 2011 by Colonel M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Draper Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 (edited) . Edited July 5, 2020 by Don Draper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anouleth Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 wow, talk about infodump sorry, I'm sure you've put a lot of effort into this, but that is way too much for me to read. I feel a bit rude posting just to say that... you should find a way to make it more digestable, like spacing all the lore out over time rather than expecting people to read it all at the beginning. Perhaps show it through dialogue, or through their adventures, rather than just telling it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colonel M Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Nah don't worry, I appreciate feedback and criticism, as always. I felt that I was with holding a lot of the detail of the countries (barring Ylvia). I felt "some" background for the countries would help at least outline what's there and why. I guess, in some cases, I can reveal the countries later on, but I'm already revealing 3 of them at once: Broah (the country going to war), Askia (the country who refused to help Ylvia), and Ylvia itself. Perhaps you're right. I'm not really a novelist, so I'm just defending why I did it more than bashing you across the forehead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodykitty Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Since this is based on Jarly's stories I can understand why there is an infodump in the same spirit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anouleth Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Nah don't worry, I appreciate feedback and criticism, as always. I felt that I was with holding a lot of the detail of the countries (barring Ylvia). I felt "some" background for the countries would help at least outline what's there and why. I guess, in some cases, I can reveal the countries later on, but I'm already revealing 3 of them at once: Broah (the country going to war), Askia (the country who refused to help Ylvia), and Ylvia itself. Perhaps you're right. I'm not really a novelist, so I'm just defending why I did it more than bashing you across the forehead. Well, obviously if you got a bunch of people to join in really fast, you must be doing something right, and I'm probably making too big a deal of this. (I love the name of that country, however. Broah. Please tell me you're going to make another country called 'Windell'.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colonel M Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 (edited) Well, obviously if you got a bunch of people to join in really fast, you must be doing something right, and I'm probably making too big a deal of this. Well considering that it's kind of a spoof of Jarly's story, I'm not surprised. So you're probably right if anything. (I love the name of that country, however. Broah. Please tell me you're going to make another country called 'Windell'.) ;/ Another segment is up. Edited April 23, 2011 by Colonel M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 You completely suck at figuring out my gender. Awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colonel M Posted May 11, 2011 Author Share Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) I added a bit more since the last "update" in here. I also am curious on one opinion for future reference: is infodumping like I did in the beginning a bad thing? I know I did it simply because it was a Jarly-attempt, but I never thought an infodump like that was so bad. Kind of expands on the world and what not. I also would like to go further on what I'm doing for flavor purposes. Since Jarly's fan fictions never had much of an "ending", I have to make up most of the story as I go along. I will flat out say it right now: there will be no "laguz" in this like in Jarly's fanfic. I will say that you shouldn't fret on what will be around and what won't be. I decided not to stray too off from Dark Kingdom into Jarly's other stories since they seem to take place in separate times and what not. I can try, but it will likely have to be explained to me. I am cutting Sean Storm's part out of here unless more background info can be dug up for me. Obviously Rad's OP tone will be taken down considerably as you've already read. He'll still retain some OP abilities, but he'll be less of a Gary Stu (I hope). Edited May 11, 2011 by _M_ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anouleth Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 I also am curious on one opinion for future reference: is infodumping like I did in the beginning a bad thing? I know I did it simply because it was a Jarly-attempt, but I never thought an infodump like that was so bad. Kind of expands on the world and what not. I don't think it's a good idea. It's boring, and it's also quite a lot to take in all at once. Chances are, a lot of the places and people you mention in it won't be seen for ages, or maybe not at all. It's much better to reveal and explore the world over the course of your story. http://www.liquidsilverbooks.com/forums/showpost.php?p=182799&postcount=1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nightmare Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Since the group is now named Hail to the Deity, I request a Duke Nukem reference. Also the story is great etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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