Story

[Gin_Devil]

I started writting this a bit ago. And I would like to know what you all think about it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7379757/1/Path_of_a_Branded

Edited September 20, 2011 by Gin_Devil

[Kay]

Your grammar and spelling is kinda bad, but the story seems to have potential. Would you want any help proofreading?

Edited September 20, 2011 by Kay

[Gin_Devil]

Yea I know I have a problem with both and also sure I would like someone to proof-read it.

[eclipse]

Do you have a feel for her personality? If so, then you should be able to work something out. If not, read some of her supports and whatnot. She's not one of the more distinctive ones, but she's got more going for her than, say, Aran.

[Parrhesia]

Chapter one

A man was walking down a dirt road in the Crimea. It was about noon. Why am I even here. Its not like i belong here. Or anywhere for that matter. Thought the man. He was wearing a black travelers cloak covering most of his body. He had yellow hair that came down past his face. Why out of everyone that was there so many years ago, I was the only to get out? Why not any of the others? Why just me? His eyes reflecting the sadness in his thoughts.

Dear god, get a proof-reader.

"What are you doing here you Crimea scum. This is Daein area now." Said The man whereing black armor. He had a small sheild and a Iron Lance.

'Iron lance' isn't a proper noun. Lower case letters, please.

"Get out of my why." Said the man pushing the soldier back.

"Why you little- men attack." Commanded the soldier.

This is... there are no words for how abrupt that is. And emotionless.

"Tsk. If its a fight you want then attack me."

... That's exactly what he intends to do.

Said the man who's green eyes showing anger as he pulled out a iron lance.

Inconsistent tenses. Also, repetition. Instead of 'a iron lance' (which should, by the way, be 'an') say, like, 'a shortspear'. Also, where exactly is he 'pulling it out' from?

More soldiers gathered around him. Lets see ten to one.

It's narration. Can you at least TRY to make it fit the tone?

"This is unfair... for you." continued the man rushing his lance through one of them instantly killing him.

Ugh, overused cliche. Oh, by the way? 10 to 1, similarly armed, the one is going down ninety-nine times out of ninety-nine. I call bullshit if he survives, let alone intact.

A soldier rushed him from behind the tip of his lance pointed to where the mans heart would be. The man moved out of the way tripping the soldier with his foot. The soldier fell down to the ground face first, the man stabbed the tip of the lance into the soldiers brain instantly killing him as well. The third came at him from the side taking part of his cloak with him as he missed.

"What the hell, this man is too fast." Complained on of the soldiers. The man's pale white skin reflecting the sun of him.

An albino with green eyes? ... Well, I guess in a world with green-HAIRED caucasians...

"This will be intresting. It has been a while since someone has hit me this fast as to have ripped my cloak. But sadly I have to end this fast. I have someone I have to meet." Said the man rushing at a group of two. The man through his lance at one of them and pulled out a sword. The lance hit one in the leg making him fall to the ground, he jumpped and sliced the other man straight throw the head.

I lost track of the combat about three sentences ago.

"This- this man is a demon run!" Screamed one of the soldiers while they all started to retreat.

"Your not going to get out of here. You shoulden't have picked a fight with a man who could kill you with such ease." He stated dashing at five more that were runing easly killing them all.

That was the worst fight scene I've ever read.

Hahahahahahaha maybe this will teach you two that are still living not to pick on people that you sispect are weak."

Yeah, how dare they...stand sentry. And do their job.

Please tell me we're not expected to sympathise with this motherfucking Sue.

He said as blood ran down his whole body. He dashed to the man crawling away who had his iron lance still in his leg. "I'll be taking that." He pulled it from his leg. The man screamed in pain.

"What are you? Who are you?" Questioned the man.

"I am somthing you can't comprehend.

Oh, please.

As for who I am... many call me death. It has been to long since I had last said it I have forgotten. I will have to check my friend on that." Ansrewed the man with a grin as he ran through the forest.

I really need to see him so that I can find out my name. Said the man in his head. There should be one other person that know's but I'm not even sure if he's still alive. The man continued thinking not noticing where he was going till he tripped on a rock and fell into water.

...

...

...

What.

"Well that takes care of the blood that was all over my body. Now I just need a new cloak." Said the man outloud looking around.

"Skeath is that you?" Questioned someone from behind.

"Yea thats my names thanks for reminding me." Said Skeath happly as he turned around.

"Man I thought you were long dead by now." Said the cat Laguz jumpping into the water.

"And that's what I thought of you I mean what's it been 20 years?" Questioned Skeath

"No about fifthteen." Said that Laguz.

"So what have you been up to Ranulf?" Asked Skeath.

"Not much, but I'm in the Gallian army now." Said Ranulf getting out of the water.

"Nice by the way last time we met you never told me how old you are." Said Skeath also getting out of the water.

"You never told me yours eather." countered Ranulf.

"I'm fifty. Now you." Said Skeath with a smile on his face.

"What your fifty. Isn't that old for a beorc?" Asked Ranulf.

"You really don't know what I am? I thought you would have figured it out." Said Skeath with a sad look on his face.

"So your not beorc?" Questioned Ranulf with a grin on his face.

"NO I'm Not I'm." Said Skeath angrer in his voice.

"Then your Laguz." Stated Ranulf.

"You really never get a strange feeling when your around me?" Questioned Skeath surprised.

"Yea I do but I just ignore it." Said Ranulf now confused.

"Hahahahahaha that's just like you Ranulf." Laughed Skeath.

"Wait a minute. Weird feeling you're Bran-" Ranulf tryed to say before a hand blocked his mouth.

"Yes just don't tell anyone ok." Said Skeath. Ranulf noded and Skeath removed his hand.

"Well that explains a lot. Wait what happend their?" Ranulf questioned pointing to where Skeaths cloak was ripped.

"Had a run in with a few Deain they were to weak to deal any real damage put cut it up." Said Skeath.

"Lucky you." Said Ranulf pulling out a new cloak out of his pack. It was white as snow. "By the way why come I haven't seen a mark on you?" Asked Ranulf as Skeath changed cloathing.

"Well if you did that would mean you were staring at my..." Said Skeath after finishing changing.

"Oh well now I'm glad I never saw it." Said Ranulf with a laugh.

"Well I gotta go Ranulf. Thanks for the cloak." Said Skeath getting up and walking.

"See yea and my the goddess let us meet again." Said Ranulf sadly. "Eather way I gotta go back to my lord."

I'm actually, physically in tears.

Skeath walked off as the sun was rising. Looks like its the dawn of a new day maybe this one would be better then the last. Thought Skeath walking through the forest. The sent of roses rising from the ground as he came to a village spotting what apeared to be a band of royal guards. One of them ran up the Skeath, his aromur was red he rode a brown mustang he had a axe at his side.

"I am the great kinght Kieran guard of the great princess Elincia. Why does you weapan have blood on it?" The kinght called Kieran asked.

And Skeath's quest to have brief, mind-raping five-minute conversations with the entire playable cast of the Tellian games commences.

"I ran in-" skeath was intrupted

"Don't tell me that you are a bandit that has come to reak havic apon this fair village I will not let you!" Yelled the 'great' kinght Kieran rushing him with a Iron Axe.

AN IRON AXE IS NOT A NAME.

skeath blocked with his lance which cracked as they collided. Skeath was sent backwards as he pulled his sword out. The knight made another hit at him with he jumpped out of the way of.

KIERAN IS NOT BETTER THAN TEN FUCKING TRAINED SOLDIERS.

"Why are you not fighting back you foul beast is it because you are scared of my greatness?" Questioned Kieran.

"No just don't want to hurt another moron this morning." Ansrewed Skeath snarling at the knight.

" 5th platoon Kieran what the hell are you doing." Yelled another kinght with blue hair and blue aromor.

"Just taking care of this bandit." Said the axe knight.

"For the last time I am not a bandit!" Yelled Skeath.

"Is what this man says true Kieran?" Questioned The lance paladin.

"No it is a lie!" Yelled Kieran attacking again. Skeath quickly deoged and knocked the axe out of Kierans hand and sticking his sword up to his neck.

"Game set and match." Said Skeath with a cocky smile.

Oh my god Skeath I hate you so fucking much

"What are you talking about. Arrent you going to kill me for trying to kill you?" Questioned the axe kinght.

"Why when I have no want to kill over a miss under standing." Said Skeath putting his sword back in its place.

"So what are you?" Questioned the Lance paladin.

Why do you keep calling him a lance paladin

WHY DO YOU KEEP USING GAMEPLAY TERMS IN PLACE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

"Just a random kinght that got attacked." Said Skeath attempting to walk off.

"Wait would you be intrested in helping us?" Asked the lance paladin.

"No thanks I think I'll just stick to what I'm doing right now more fun this way." Said Skeath walking up to the town gate.

That was...entirely pointless.

It was made out of wood and was moved by pushing a lever down. then a tiny door inside would open up.

"State you reason for coming." Commanded on of the guards.

"Just traveling through looking for a place to stay." He said.

"Open up." Yelled the guard. The gate was open and he got inside of the town. Wait Ranulf never told me his age damn him.

...What?

Now first things first I'm going to need to find a cleric. Thought skeath as he coughed. He looked down into his had to see blood. Turns out the last swing of the axe hit me. He continued. He started to walk around till he spotted cleric with white robes and holding a heal staff. She had blue hair and white robes with green eyes. The blood was starting to soak through his new white cloak.

"Excuse me miss." Skeath said putting his hand on her soulder. She jumpped at his touch and turned around and hit him on the head with her staff.

"Owch I'm not having any luck today." Said Skeath putting his hand to his head.

You've had more fucking luck than you deserve for a fucking lifetime

"So-sorry you sur-surprised me." She stammered.

"Its ok. I was just going to ask you to heal this." He said indicating to the side of his head where blood was coming out. His hood was still up but the blood had soaked through. He was now feeling a bit light headed.

"Oh sorry." She said pulling him to a near by house. "Mom can you get a bed ready I have an injured man with me!" She yelled holding Skeath up. Damn that Kinght did some damage to me. His viseon was starting to blur. Someone rushed in and started to help carry him.

"Don't worry you're going to be ok." Said the girl who's voice was now far off. He felt himself hit something then nothing at all.

He was surrounded by darkness.

...I'm pretty sure wounds take longer than that to fester.

"Looks like I didn't make it." Skeath said aloud with an echo. "Well I was doomed from the start. I am a sin in the first place so I wouldn't find it strange to die at this young age." He continued.

... What?

"You are not yet doomed." Said a voice he didn't reconized.

The blackness faded and he was inside of a house.

WHAT?

"Uch where am I?" He asked trying to sit up. Pain shot though his head and he fell back down.

"You might be a bit weak headed for a day or two. You took a nasty blow to your head." Said someone to his right. He turned his head to see a lady with brown hair. He was wearing a silver neckalace and a long white dress on. It had red spots on it. She looked like he new her from somewhere.

"Sorry to ask but do I know you?" Asked Skeath.

"No I think your mistaken." She said. "I was surprised to see my daughter with an injured man over her shoulder." She continued.

"What happend to you?" She asked.

"Just got into a fight with a moron." he said getting up. He felt light headed but still remaind standing. She was shocked at this.

"You shouldn't stand please sit down." She asked.

"No I've been to much of a burden on you already. I can't stay any longer." He said. continuing to walk stiffly.

"Sit down!" Yelled a voice infront of him. His eyes were blurred again.

"No I'm not going to be a burden on anyone." He said turning his head trying to find where the voice was coming from. "See you're in no condition to move you can't even see me." She said now with his arm slung over her shoulder moving him back to the bed.

"No I will not burden you!" He yelled unslinging his arm and started to stagger away.

"Sorry for this." He heard her say as he felt something come incontact with his head. He fell to the ground knocked out again.

So pointless... I just want Skeath to die.

Skeaths eyes opened once again he saw the same roof. Note to self. Do not try to leave before fully healed again. Thought Skeath sticking a hand up to his head.

"So your up again." Said A voice from the side of the bed, he turned his head to see who it was this time. It was the healer. "Sorry to have to do that but your in no condition to move around." She said looking him square in the eyes.

"I know that and I have no plans to atempt it again." Said Skeath rubbing his sore head.

"Thats good to hear. I was afraid I was going to have to knock you out everytime you woke up.

"No your not go-" Skeath started as the door was opened.

"Excuse me is anyone home?" Questioned a man walking inside out of Skeaths sight.

"Yes just one minute." Called the healer getting up.

"I was just wundering if the knight I saw the other day was here." Said the man staying out o sight.

"Are you talking about the one with the white cloak with the hood up?" Asked the healer as she walked to the doorway.

"Yes thats him is he hear I heard he past out in the street the other day and since one of my mine did it I wanted to check up on him." Said The man now coming into veiw of the bed. It was the paladin from the other day.

"Yea I'm doing good now that I've had some rest." Said Skeath leaning up in bed. His blond hair had drops of red in it and he had a bandage running diaginal over the cut on top of his head.

"What happend to you! You were fine when you left." Asked the kinght with a surpised look on his face.

"Well that was when I had adrenlin in my body after it wore off the cut you knight did to my head took effect." Ansrewed Skeath.

"Is their anything I could do to help you?" Asked the knight.

"No I'm good. Once I heal I'll be out of everyones hair." Said Skeath. Its never good for me to stay in one place for too long Thought Skeath.

"Are you sure?" Asked the knight.

"Yes no need for you to stay. I'm not important." Said Skeath. No need for you to waste your time on me. If you knew what I was you probley would come at me with that lance of yours. Thought Skeath.

"Ok then." Said The knight. "Well if you ever want to talk to me again just go to the capital and ask for Royal Guard cammander Geoffrey.

why do you care about this insignificant sack of unbelievably powerful shit

"Ok." Said Skeath. Like hell you're going to get me. I know your plan. You just want to use me for my skill then toss me aside like those before you did. Thought Skeath.

"Well I best get going. The Daein army is pressing us to our limits. Bye." He said with a slight wave and walked out. Once he was gone the healer turned to him.

"Their's something strange about you I just can't put my finger on it." She stated.

"You're imagining things. I am no diffrent from you." He said. She gave a skeptical look but said nothing.

"Well eather way its time to change your bandages." She said unwraping them. "How... has it healed aready?" She questioned surprised.

"I am a quick healer even without a staff." He stated getting up. Cant over stay. No reseon to drag her into my affairs anyway. He thought walking out of the house without a good bye.

Okay.

I'm not going to be nice here. I'm going to be blunt.

Before writing a story in English, LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH. FIX YOUR KEYBOARD. TRY TO KEEP SPELLINGS CONSISTENT. LEARN TO SPELL CHECK. LEARN TO PROOFREAD. GO THROUGH PUBERTY.

Because THAT was the most painful fifteen minutes of my life.

YES, this is not being polite. I am trying to help you. Maybe you're fluent in some other language, if not fluent enough in English to decipher rules on double-posting. But no matter what, if the bones of the story still remain, you still have a blatantly overpowered protagonist who is a complete dipshit that nobody could possibly care about.

[Gin_Devil]

Sorry about that being the most painful 15 minutes of your life. Also I am english and its the only language I know, just grammar and spelling aren't my strong points. I planned for his percinality to change as the story goes along. Also I plan on making fights hard on him after this chapter. I'm also not that good with fights I'm going to try to get better.

[Gin_Devil]

Do you have a feel for her personality? If so, then you should be able to work something out. If not, read some of her supports and whatnot. She's not one of the more distinctive ones, but she's got more going for her than, say, Aran.

Its not that I have a problem writting. Its that accent of hers she has in radiant dawn ill have a problem writting.

[eclipse]

It seems to be a country drawl, but that's about as much as I can help you with.

[Tangerine]

Stop double posting please.

[Gin_Devil]

Sorry its a old habit.