FE: Dawn of Darkness Feedback Thread

[Parrhesia]

I'm pretty sure many people would back me up with similar credentials.

You're a pretty bad writer, and I get the impression I'm holding back a torrent of bile here.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Furetchen

[Thor Odinson]

I'll have you know that I scored very high on the writing section of my college entry test and I did better than a lot of my classmates in the writing class I took in college a year back

I myself am a shitty writer and I can't be fucked to read romance, so I won't comment on the piece, but writing for college is VERY DIFFERENT than writing fiction.

It's like drawing a bowl of fruit as a still life oil painting, vs drawing a comic book. Two different styles.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Luminescent Blade

[Anacybele]

Not if you're taking a writing class that teaches you to write fiction, which I did.

Seph: lol, you're hilarious. You didn't even read anything I wrote.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[Parrhesia]

Yeaaaaaaaaaah it's pretty damn different

Unless it's some kind of revolutionary writing class that actually lets you branch out, but most I've seen hem you into

Anyway, what does getting good grades have to do with anything? This story itself is pretty awful. There's the possibility you might just be writing the wrong genre for your ability. I mean, hell, romance is pretty hard... I sure as hell don't trust myself to do it right.

I'd suggest you branch out.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Furetchen

[Anacybele]

Thing is, you're assuming that Dawn of Darkness is entirely about an IkexElincia romance. You only read the first chapter. You can't say it sucks or it's terrible. Read the rest of it, then come talk to me.

The story is mainly about a war in Altarais and the mercenary Azura rising to a leadership position. Not romance.

[-Cynthia-]

Well, I'm told I do it pretty well. To be honest, the first few chapters aren't even quite as well written as the later ones because I wrote them a long time ago, and I think the romances I developed between those other pairings turned out better than the IkexElincia one. So yeah, I'm not expecting people to find the first chapter to be godly amazing or anything.

To be honest, I think people generally prefer OCs to using already established characters in fiction. Mainly because throwing existing characters into a new story with a new writer tends to lead to canon defilement, which fans of the original work generally don't approve of. For the record, I think Ike, Elincia, and Geoffrey barely resemble their personalities shown in the games at all and instead seem to conform to author fantasies in a fashion that's not especially interesting. I'll reserve judgment on the OCs if/when I get to those chapters.

[Life]

I want you to know that I'm going to read past the first paragraph (because I almost threw up on it) and point out exact reasons for why it is shit and what you can do to make it better.

Despite this great victory and the bright future it seemed to herald, the seeds of war had only been planted and budding during that bloodshed, and the worst was yet to come.

This is a badly written run-on sentence. You're going for too much "seeds of war" imagery and didn't realize that the sentence is too long and has far too many commas.

A series of new conflicts stemming from that war soon erupted almost simultaneously, combining and escalating into the greatest battle ever seen on the continent of Tellius, where the armies of two goddesses, Ashera and Yune, fought one another for even greater purposes.

Even worse (but a better example) since there are 4 commas in a single sentence. Here, I'll even revise it and make it better. A simple punctuation change is all you need.

A series of new conflicts stemming from that war soon erupted almost simultaneously, combining and escalating into the greatest battle ever seen on the continent of Tellius; The armies of two goddesses-Ashera and Yune-fought one another for even greater purposes.

Doesn't that look nicer? Of course, the wording is still pretty shite but you can always work on that.

After a long journey filled with challenging battles and unlikely allies, Sir Ike managed to defeat Ashera, free the thousands of victims of her Judgment, a period where everyone save for her army and Yune's were turned to stone, and bring peace to Tellius once again.

Oh god. You passed an English class with this punctuation? Try this:

After a long journey filled with challenging battles and unlikely allies, Sir Ike managed to defeat Ashera, free the thousands of victims of her Judgment (a period where everyone save for her army and Yune's were turned to stone) and bring peace to Tellius once again.

First of all, stop abusing commas. I, know, it, looks, fun, to, do, but, it's, awful, to, r,e,a,d. Just please stop it.

Next, this doesn't even sound like a fanfic. I'm reading a visual blowjob. Seriously, this is you getting down on both knees and opening your mouth wide to accept Ike's cock. It's horrible to read and I've only read the first paragraph. I know that I said that I'd go further but honestly, this is way too painful.

[Anacybele]

Well, whatever the case, I paid close attention to canon when I wrote this and I did my best to keep the characters in-character, at least what I believe to be in-character for them.

If you don't agree with my beliefs on that matter, that's your problem, not mine.

EDIT: Stop being insulting. Just stop it. Calling my work shit and garbage will not help me improve, no matter how bad or good I am.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[Life]

EDIT: Stop being insulting. Just stop it. Calling my work shit and garbage will not help me improve, no matter how bad or good I am.

How do you not get it? I'm telling you that you need to go back and learn your punctuation rules. I'm not being insulting; I'm simply telling you the truth. If you can't handle it and you think that this is all a personal attack, go ahead. But notice that I'm not the only person here doing it. I'm just actively pointing out your flaws and showing ways of improving the sentences themselves.

[Anacybele]

You're telling me what you think, yes, but you're being rude by doing it. Calling my work shit and garbage, as I said, is not proper critique. You need to learn how to properly critique people's work without hurting their feelings, making them feel like failures, and bringing them to fucking TEARS.

I worked hard on this story, and I got a lot of positive feedback for it, even if a little of it looked like it came from a noob. It hurts to have people say the things I'm seeing in this thread to me after I went and revised every chapter MORE THAN ONCE when I met my friend Alex. I wouldn't even be letting him help me if I didn't want to improve or take critique.

I don't mind if you tell me a sentence here and there should be rewritten or you think I'm using a comma too much somewhere. That's fine, and I thank anyone for pointing such errors out. But calling my story crap when you've only read the first chapter and just because you don't agree with how I've portrayed certain characters is not proper critique.

[Life]

You're telling me what you think, yes, but you're being rude by doing it. Calling my work shit and garbage, as I said, is not proper critique. You need to learn how to properly critique people's work without hurting their feelings, making them feel like failures, and bringing them to fucking TEARS.

I worked hard on this story, and I got a lot of positive feedback for it, even if a little of it looked like it came from a noob. It hurts to have people say the things I'm seeing in this thread to me after I went and revised every chapter MORE THAN ONCE when I met my friend Alex. I wouldn't even be letting him help me if I didn't want to improve or take critique.

I don't mind if you tell me a sentence here and there should be rewritten or you think I'm using a comma too much somewhere. That's fine, and I thank anyone for pointing such errors out. But calling my story crap when you've only read the first chapter and just because you don't agree with how I've portrayed certain characters is not proper critique.

I'm going to call out your bullshit right here.

I couldn't care less about this being a sonnet to Ike IF it even read well. But it doesn't whatsoever. I see grammatical mistakes in almost every other sentence. Something is wrong here.

But yes, I have no problem in bringing you to "fucking TEARS" if you refuse to have an open mind about criticism. Someone who prods you to say "maybe you should take the story in this direction" is giving constructive criticism. Someone who tells you that you need to rewrite the whole story on the basis of horrible grammar is ALSO giving constructive criticism. Now stop being a little baby, wipe away those tears and start thinking about how you can improve the story.

And if you cry again about this being a personal attack (it's not yet but you're really pushing my buttons about it), I'll rip you a new one. Me telling you that your prose is shit (which means the actual writing, not the content of the story) is constructive. Now go out and fix it if you really care about putting out the best story possible.

[Anacybele]

Again, you're assuming the incorrect. Ike is not even a main character of this story. Azura, Bryan, and Leyon are the primary characters, with Azura being the lord character. Ike is just a major supporting character. Basically, he's to Azura what Soren and Titania were to him in Path of Radiance. So this is in no way a "sonnet to Ike."

Second, I never meant that you telling me to fix grammatical errors was a personal attack. I'm completely fine with doing that. It's calling the story shit and garbage that's personal for me.

I'll gladly fix any grammatical errors, typos, or anything else of the such that my readers point out. Thank you for doing so.

[Life]

Second, I never meant that you telling me to fix grammatical errors was a personal attack. I'm completely fine with doing that. It's calling the story shit and garbage that's personal for me.

I'll gladly fix any grammatical errors, typos, or anything else of the such that my readers point out. Thank you for doing so.

Unfortunately, it's "shit and garbage" because of the grammatical errors. It's near the point of unread-ability.

[Anacybele]

If it's unreadable, then how did you read any of it? How did anyone read it and enjoy it even, for that matter?

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[Parrhesia]

I do believe I've just been made utterly obsolete.

Oh well, time for a paragraph by paragraph.

The memory of the man she loved

Who, Geoffrey?

kept ringing through Queen Elincia's head as she sat in her bedchambers within Castle Crimea. That had been her first kiss, in the moonlit castle gardens under the stars. It had been, admittedly, clumsy and awkward at first. This didn't bother Elincia overmuch; if anything, she enjoyed the underlying revelation that she was his first love as much and he was her first. Their time together had been scarce, brief moments of joy stolen from the business of ruling Crimea and leading the war effort, but they were always worth the wait. After having lost so much, her parents and his, and enduring so much, two wars against unspeakable evil and seeing so much misery and death, their time together had allowed them to get something back and a shred of happiness that lightened their burdens and gladdened their hearts. But, even that was now denied. This train of thought reminded Elincia of a poem Bastian had been reading lately. She couldn't remember the poet's name, nor the exact quote, but it was about how there was no greater misery than to remember, with bitter regret, a time of pure happiness. Since her lover's departure, Elincia felt the truth of this every day.

This paragraph is painfully dull. It was hard to read.

From what I gather, it appears to be mostly Elincia thinking in overly flowery prose about how cool Bastian is.

Ike may also have been mentioned, once or twice.

It had been well over a month since she had last seen him, though it felt like years, and she continued to terribly miss him. Prior to his departure, a rumor had begun to spread about Elincia and Geoffrey, the commander of Crimea's Royal Knights, that they were sharing a secret romance. Many people had jumped to such a conclusion because

it was canonically fact.

Elincia had to have several private war meetings with him that were focused on major conflicts involving their nation, as well as Crimea's internal security so that a repeat of the debacle with Duke Ludveck might be averted.

Who stopped that? Oh, right! Her loyal retainers and knights!

Did they hire any mercenaries? Uhh... Heather, I think?

When the news of her lover's departure reached her ears, she could only weep in sadness, for she knew why he left. He must have heard the rumors as well and, wounded as she was, departed in grief.

...Elincia has a really low opinion of Ike's maturity.

In truth, Elincia had no choice but to accept it and wed Geoffrey as her lord uncle, Renning, proposed soon after and there was no way the man she loved could have ever known that.

Apart from, say, the fact that that's how courtly marriage works.

As she often did, Elincia regretted that she and her lover had never made their love public.

That wouldn't be disastrous at all!

It began roughly three years prior to the events that led to the present during another conflict known as the Mad King's War. The man had been given the title of Lord and made a general in order to liberate Crimea from Daein's grasp. Since then, only a few of the Crimea nobility and a mercenary company known as the Greil Mercenaries had any knowledge of it. Neither group had spread the word at the request of Elincia and her lover, due to the life this man led. They feared there would be uproar of questions and even possible protest among the Crimean common folk as well as the remaining nobility if the truth leaked out.

Well, yeah, exactly!

After all, this man was but a commoner himself who rescued Elincia in her time of need. Even his title of Lord had only so much merit since bestowing it was an act of necessity, one which he had objected to. It was not known if their relationship would be accepted, not to mention it even had to be put on hold after the man renounced his peerage to live as a mercenary. More than once, Elincia had considered discreetly reinstating him as a Lord but her fledging monarchy was soon mired in a series of crises that demanded her full attention and more.

Yeah yeah yeah it's not possible

get on with your adultery already

or you know

the plot

Even after everything that had occurred, Elincia still regretted having to marry Geoffrey, despite that she had little say in the matter. Geoffrey had been her next best choice in possible suitors and she would eventually need to produce an heir if she were to remain Queen.

Yeah, but MAN Geoffrey's hot.

The truth was, however, that the two only saw one other as close friends with a bond as close as that of siblings. The only thing Elincia had left to remember the man she truly loved was a long, worn headband he once wore. Elincia now had it tightly gripped in her trembling hands. She'd gotten it from Oscar, one of Crimea's knights, who found it in the fort that once belonged to the Greil Mercenaries.

Hello stalker vibes.

As tears began to fall down Elincia's cheeks,

~FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS~

she began to think of how other people she knew had stayed with the ones they loved. Sothe and Micaiah, the new rulers of Daein,

Please tell me these two never canonically become the new rulers of Daein.

were the foremost example in her mind. If Queen Micaiah could marry Sothe, a lowly thief of all things, why should Elincia be denied marrying a common mercenary?

Because Elincia's royalty?

The more she thought about it, the more upset it made her. Why did she have to be the only one without satisfaction in the end?

My GOD you are SUCH a WHINY BITCH

Her thoughts were lost when there was a knock at the door and Geoffrey walked in. He noticed the tears trailing down Elincia's cheeks, easily sensing the reason why.

Because he's so sensitive and understanding of her feelings.

He'd make a great husband.

Wait.

"You miss him, don't you?" Geoffrey guessed, already knowing the answer. Elincia quickly turned around to face him and wiped her tears.

"Yes…Oh, Geoffrey, I'm sorry! I miss him so very much…" Elincia admitted.

"Don't worry, I completely understand," Geoffrey replied

, lying through his teeth. Secretly he wondered what the fuck was up with his trophy wife.

"You and Ike loved one another and you should not have had to hide anything." Elincia was speechless for a few seconds, blinking bemusedly as guarded hope welled up in her chest.

"R-really? You don't mind that it wasn't you I fell in love with?" Elincia asked, wanting to be sure.

"Of course. Our relationship has always been nothing more than platonic, has it not?" Geoffrey pointed out. "Those rumors merely started out of silly people jumping to conclusions. They should have realized that we would have to discuss what we were to do about Begnion and the Laguz Alliance bringing their conflict to Crimean soil. But no…they did not. It only tore you and Ike farther apart and it's clear that you two belong together."

NOBODY IS THIS SELF-SACRIFICING

"Oh, Geoffrey…" Elincia replied, sniffling with joy.

...Sniffling with joy?

"But how am I going to find Ike? What are we to do about our marriage?"

"You just leave that to me," Geoffrey replied with a smile. "I'll make sure you get out of here. Though, Lucia and I will miss you deeply, we understand."

"Because as your retainers we never left your side by choice. Because we're unfailingly loyal to you. And wouldn't abandon you to go to some island."

Elincia was unable to prevent the tears from rolling down her cheeks again. She couldn't restrain herself from getting up and throwing Geoffrey a hug for his efforts. As some of her sadness began to turn into excitement, Elincia thought of how Ike would react when she was finally in his arms again.

Oh for FUCK'S SAKE

She knew she couldn't live without the man she loved anymore and had to leave, no matter what anyone else thought.

"Oh, Geoffrey, I can't thank you enough!" Elincia cried. Geoffrey slipped his arms around her waist and returned her hug.

"Hey, I would do anything to make you happy," he assured with a smile. "Even if it means letting you leave Tellius."

Again. Dream fucking husband.

"Thank you, but…we don't know where Ike is…" Elincia pointed out after she let go of Geoffrey.

"I have a pretty good idea," Geoffrey replied. "You know how Altarais was recently discovered, right?"

Elincia gasped with surprise at Geoffrey's response. Altarais, of course! The continent of Altarais had been discovered to exist west of Tellius just as the conflicts had ended. Ships bearing merchants and explorers alike had already begun plying the waters between the two continents.

"You mean he may have gone there?" she asked. "I must find a boat!"

"Now not so fast," Geoffrey said, smiling again. "Aren't you going to pack a few things first?"

"Oh, right, of course," Elincia replied, somewhat sheepishly. "I guess I'm just so eager to go."

Without a moment's hesitation, Elincia grabbed a knapsack and began stuffing the essentials inside, including Ike's old headband. It had been the very same head piece he'd worn during the Mad King's War. However, Ike's whereabouts were not the only thing on Elincia's mind at the moment. She wanted to feel the warmth of Ike's arms around her again and she wanted to be able to gaze once more at his handsome face, into his storm blue eyes. And, above all, she wanted to feel his lips on hers again. But what would everyone she knew in Crimea think of her suddenly leaving her nation behind to be with a mercenary? Of course, Ike's former companions, the Greil Mercenaries, would not have a problem with it, as they knew of the love between the hero of Tellius and the Queen of Crimea. Lucia, Geoffrey's sister, as well as Bastian, the count of Fayre, had also known.

However, there were also the other nobles and Crimean common folk who had long supported her as well as Geoffrey to consider. What would they think of such a decision made by their queen? What would Renning think? As Elincia worriedly contemplated this, she sighed with nervousness, wondering if she was really making a good choice at all. Upon seeing this, Geoffrey then approached her, having sensed her feelings.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Elincia, do not worry about things here," he comforted.

Isn't 'said' good enough for you anymore...?

"I will see to it that no problems arise about what you have chosen to do. If Ike is the man you desire to be with, then it should be accepted."

"Are…are you sure?" Elincia wondered. "What about my lord uncle? Our friends from the Greil Mercenaries, Gallia, and Begnion? Even Daein?"

"Fuck them all."

"Lord Renning would want you to be happy, no matter what. I assure you," Geoffrey replied. "I cannot speak for Daein, but everyone else has some well-found respect for Ike, as well as you. They would never refuse being happy for the both of you."

Surrrre. After marrying his daughter off to the perfect man and having barely seen her in so many years AS FUCKING BERTRAM, Renning will be delighted to know she's RUNNING AWAY.

"Yeah, that's true. I guess that makes Daein the only oddball in this," Elincia mused.

This is Elincia. Sure.

"Well, strictly speaking, I'm not sure they would even care," Geoffrey admitted. "That Micaiah seemed to be so stuck up and stubborn that she probably wouldn't even notice Crimea's ruler changed for ages."

...Conceded. But why is Geoffrey accusing newfound inexplicable royalty of being 'stuck up'? Isn't that kind of... completely unlike him?

"Haha, probably, yes," Elincia replied with a little laughter. "Speaking of the throne, I presume my lord uncle will take over?"

"Of course. He was originally supposed to anyway," Geoffrey pointed out.

"Ah yes, that is true too," Elincia remembered. Renning being named heir to the throne after Elincia's late father, King Ramon, was the very reason her existence had been kept secret from the public.

"But, if you can't restrain yourself from worrying too much, perhaps you should write a farewell letter to Lord Renning explaining everything," Geoffrey suggested. "That way, he'll be sure to understand."

It's for the best, Geoffrey. This way you can get a better wife.

"Oh, good idea," Elincia agreed. She instantly grabbed some parchment and a quill once she finished her light packing. With Geoffrey's guidance as well as her own thoughts, Elincia had little trouble getting the important details written down, from the Mad King's War to a battle with wolf laguz a mere month later to the more recent Laguz Alliance conflicts. After signing her name upon completion, Elincia asked that Geoffrey deliver it and prepared for her departure. She threw off whatever she thought might betray her royal origins. Jewelry, head pieces, the translucent cape she wore,

her pale skin, the softness of her hands...

anything of the sort would be left behind. She threw on an old dark brown cloak once she was finished to disguise herself. It had been the cloak she always used in such occasions, more than a few of which related to seeing Ike. With great reluctance, she decided not to use her Pegasus, Gwydion, to fly to the nearest port. Though Gwydion had served her, and her great-grandmother before her, admirably in the wars, Gwydion was growing old and Elincia knew flying into port would only attract unwanted attention. While it pained her to think of leaving behind another friend, when those were few to begin with, she knew she was willing to make such a sacrifice to see Ike again and that Gwydion would be well taken care of in his old age.

It says a lot that I care more about Gwydion than about Elincia.

"Geoffrey…I'm going to miss you and everyone else," she whispered, her voice choked with emotion. "I mean it. I wish Ike never had to leave Tellius…"

"Believe me, so do I," Geoffrey agreed. "And I assure you that if he and you ever return, no one will interfere, not even me."

"Thank you…" Elincia replied. "So much, Geoffrey." With that, they put their arms around each other once more in a final hug.

"Good bye, Elincia. And good luck."

"Good bye…"

Although their last hug had gone for moments on in, Elincia immediately exited the room when they were finished, her last gesture towards him being a tear falling down her cheek.

zzzzzzzz

[Life]

If it's unreadable, then how did you read any of it? How did anyone read it, for that matter?

I'm saying that the prose is so bad that it actually hurts to continue reading. I couldn't even make it to Chapter 1 because I saw basic Grade 9 English mistakes in it. For someone who claims to have taken creative writing in college, this is fucking unacceptable. Hence me suggesting like 20 posts ago that you need to go back and learn how to write properly. It all starts with formal essays.

[Parrhesia]

How did anyone read it and enjoy it even, for that matter?

I'm wondering that myself...

[Life]

Before you post, Anacybele, stop being so defensive. A shitty writer sticks to their guns and refuses to change. A good writer is one who absorbs criticism (even storywise) and then changes the story.

[CT075]

I disagree. Path of Radiance doesn't truly get its plot started until chapter 4 or so when Soren returns with the news that Crimea and Daein went to war. Before that, it's just the mercenaries doing a few jobs for people, which is their everyday lives. Starting a plot too quickly will make it rushed. To properly flesh out characters as well as the plot, you should start the story with bits of their daily lives, like PoR does. For example, Azura shows that she works as a mercenary for a living when she fights the bandits at the end of chapter 1. When Leona and Marc appear, they're just doing their jobs. There's no big war going on yet. Same with Bryan, Skye, and Morris later on (though by this time, it becomes clear that the bandits are after Azura for a reason).

And I found Path of Radiance to be ludicrously boring until that point.

Regardless, a game's story can't be written and/or judged the same way as a written one. In a game, there are other things that are worth coming back for, namely, the gameplay, and thus can afford to pad the plot slightly in the interest of extending playtime (which is criticized about equally as much, but that's another issue). A player who's bored with the story of a game can ignore the cutscenes and get straight to the actual playing. A written work has no such luxury. A bored reader will leave, since there's nothing else to care about.

[Anacybele]

Who, Geoffrey?

No, Ike. Get it through your thick skull.

it was canonically fact.

No, it wasn't. Just because they can get married doesn't mean they were actually in love. Plenty of marriages back in medieval times were arranged and the people who married this way usually did not love each other. I believe the same could have occurred with Geoffrey and Elincia, especially since they were raised together as siblings. It makes them falling in love weird and kind of gross, imo.

...Elincia has a really low opinion of Ike's maturity.

Wouldn't you feel like shit if the woman you had a relationship with for so long suddenly married someone else?

Hello stalker vibes.

So Elincia is a stalker simply because she kept something of his to remember him by?

Please tell me these two never canonically become the new rulers of Daein.

Sorry, they do. Micaiah becomes the new queen of Daein at the end of RD, regardless of whether or not Sothe marries her. He becomes her consort if he does.

As for everything else you said, it's fine if you disagree with what I've done with Geoffrey and Elincia, but I won't change it.

I'm saying that the prose is so bad that it actually hurts to continue reading. I couldn't even make it to Chapter 1 because I saw basic Grade 9 English mistakes in it. For someone who claims to have taken creative writing in college, this is fucking unacceptable. Hence me suggesting like 20 posts ago that you need to go back and learn how to write properly. It all starts with formal essays.

Unfortunately, essays are completely different from writing fiction. And I find I'm not very good at them. I'd much rather write a story. And I did take a college writing class. I believe I passed it with a B.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[Parrhesia]

To expand on Cam's point, there's nothing wrong with easing into the story. But you aren't giving ANYONE a reason to read on, if they don't drool whenever IkElincia is so much as suggested.

[Anacybele]

Yeah, I might have overdone it a little on the IkexElincia parts. I'll try to find a way to tone it down a little sometime.

Before you post, Anacybele, stop being so defensive. A shitty writer sticks to their guns and refuses to change. A good writer is one who absorbs criticism (even storywise) and then changes the story.

And I have made changes. Lots of changes. In fact, when I started this story, it wasn't even a full-length fanfiction. It was originally a short story revolving around IkexElincia. I then thought of ideas to turn it into a longer, full-length fic, and toned down some of the IkexElincia bits.

I also already said that I have a friend who helps me revise and such when I write a new chapter. I follow all of his critique.

[Parrhesia]

No, Ike. Get it through your thick skull.

Ho, insults!

No, it wasn't. Just because they can get married doesn't mean they were actually in love. Plenty of marriages back in medieval times were arranged and the people who married this way usually did not love each other.

I realise that. That's EXACTLY MY POINT. Ike and Elincia cannot realistically marry. Adultery, sure.

I believe the same could have occurred with Geoffrey and Elincia, especially since they were raised together as siblings. It makes them falling in love weird and kind of gross, imo.

...

Okay?

Wouldn't you feel like shit if the woman you had a relationship with for so long suddenly married someone else?

If they loved someone else, sure. If they were forced into a marriage for political reasons, not so much, particularly if it was with a guy I respected.

So Elincia is a stalker simply because she kept something of his to remember him by?

No, it's more the way you wrote it.

Sorry, they do. Micaiah becomes the new queen of Daein at the end of RD, regardless of whether or not Sothe marries her. He becomes her consort if he does.

...

Suddenly I'm a little more sympathetic towards your disregard towards RD's endings. A little.

As for everything else you said, it's fine if you disagree with what I've done with Geoffrey and Elincia, but I won't change it.

Sure, they just don't seem like Geoffrey and Elincia. At all.

Unfortunately, essays are completely different from writing fiction. And I find I'm not very good at them. I'd much rather write a story. And I did take a college writing class. I believe I passed it with a B.

In some aspects, yes, but with regards to structure, which is Life's main point...

[Life]

Unfortunately, essays are completely different from writing fiction. And I find I'm not very good at them. I'd much rather write a story. And I did take a college writing class. I believe I passed it with a B.

Here's the thing. Essays will also teach you how not to write giant run-on sentences that seem to go on for hours because you can't stop them and you have too much to say so you try to break it up with a comma, like nobody will notice that it's poorly organized and other stuff like that and blah blah blah.

Accept the fucking criticism or go cry into your pillow. Your story is not very good on the prose side. Furetchen is currently ripping apart the content and that's his thing. But stop trying to say "well, I like it so poo on you". Switching commas into semi-colons isn't going to make your stuff read any better. You actually have to go back and rewrite the whole thing. The entire sentence structure needs to be rejigged.

And you got a B in that class? Really? Was it a state college? You know, one of the free ones that don't really care about the quality of education? If my Grade 12 English teacher saw that (and that was 3 years ago), she'd probably have a heart attack on the spot. Hell, if any of the English teachers I ever saw read any of it, they'd turn away in disgust.

[Anacybele]

I realise that. That's EXACTLY MY POINT. Ike and Elincia cannot realistically marry.

Yes, they can.

If they loved someone else, sure. If they were forced into a marriage for political reasons, not so much, particularly if it was with a guy I respected.

But Ike didn't know they were forced into it for political reasons.

...

Suddenly I'm a little more sympathetic towards your disregard towards RD's endings. A little.

...What are you talking about? I just told you I mentioned two canonical RD endings.

Sure, they just don't seem like Geoffrey and Elincia. At all.

Maybe to you. But they do to me, and I've met others who agree with my views.

EDIT: Bblader: Didn't I just say I would fix any grammatical errors and shit?

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele