FE: Dawn of Darkness Feedback Thread

[Parrhesia]

Yes, they can.

... How would you propose they go about it with the support of the nobility?

Let me reword that. They aren't marrying as mercenary and princess.

But Ike didn't know they were forced into it for political reasons.

That seems implausible.

...What are you talking about? I just told you I mentioned two canonical RD endings.

Because I'm less than fond of the prospect of Micaiah ascending to royalty

is it really that hard

Maybe to you. But they do to me, and I've met others who agree with my views.

And you're meeting several that don't.

[Thor Odinson]

...What are you talking about? I just told you I mentioned two canonical RD endings.

He means that, due to Micaiah actually ending up on the throne of Daein and marrying Sothe while she's at it, he's a little more sympathetic towards your disregard of the RD canon, since he dislikes Micaiah.

Wry u so ninja my dearest

Edited December 1, 2011 by Luminescent Blade

[Life]

EDIT: Bblader: Didn't I just say I would fix any grammatical errors and shit?

No, you said you'd appease me by fixing them. I'm asking you to fix the sentence structure. AKA full rewrites of numerous paragraphs.

This is fucking embarrassing. I mean, you clearly think that you're better than people who know how to write formally (since writing informally still requires basic rules for readability) so I don't understand why I'm even giving you advice. Obviously, you don't want it because people who don't want to hurt your feelings will coddle you and say "No, no, Betty (or whatever the fuck your name is). I think it's wonderful!". They're the ones who are doing more harm to the story since you'll actually believe them.

Here's a rule of thumb for writing and asking for criticism. If someone says that it's wonderful, they're full of shit. If someone tells you it's shit and shows you why, they're probably right. Listen to person number two, they have a better grip on the situation.

[Anacybele]

He means that, due to Micaiah actually ending up on the throne of Daein and marrying Sothe while she's at it, he's a little more sympathetic towards your disregard of the RD canon, since he dislikes Micaiah.

Wry u so ninja my dearest

But I never disregarded any RD canon. Also, I hate Micaiah too, actually.

This is fucking embarrassing. I mean, you clearly think that you're better than people who know how to write formally

Wait, what? I never said this. I'd be a moron to think such nonsense. And also some people in here admitted to being crappy writers. Why should I listen to advice that's coming out of someone who can't write?

[Raddy]

To those who either haven't touched the story or have only read the first chapter, you're complete and utter fools.

You canNOT base how well a story is written just by the first chapter. Maybe how it may be, but that's up to the writer if they want to reveal any of that. You cannot properly critique anyone by just outright calling it shit, or by doing that at all. That's more likely to throw them into a fit of depression rather than improve them any. If you can't see that, I'm sorry to say, you are a moron. Me? I admit, I've hardly actually touched her story, but I've heard A LOT about it. And from what I have heard, it's something I'd LIKE to read. Really well put together just from what I've heard.

In fact, from what I HAVE already heard, it's a far better story than what mine could ever hope to be. And I know a good story when I see it.

This is all I'm going to say on the matter.

[Life]

Why should I listen to advice that's coming out of someone who can't write?

They mean that they don't have a creative bone in their bodies. But they know how to write formally and once again (not that I want to beat a dead mule into oblivion until phlegm flies from its lungs but...), they understand the syntax of good writing. And you don't. Otherwise, I wouldn't see simple English mistakes dating back to the days of when $20 bucks was a lot for me.

Blah, blah, blah.

Your sig immediately discredits you. Are you the friend that's coddling her? Are you telling her what she wants to hear rather than what she needs to?

If you meant what you say (about her writing being good), tell me why I spotted two sentences with no less than four commas in each of them in the first paragraph.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Bblader

[Parrhesia]

Unbiased, of course.

Anyway, the point is there's no MOTIVATION to get past the first chapter, because it's kind of, you know, awful. If the first chapter didn't suck, I might get past it faster than molasses.

But hey just to humour you I'll read it all over today and tomorrow. I doubt my opinion will change.

[Anacybele]

No, he's not the one. The friend who helps me is Falchion1984 from fanfiction.net, FEPlanet, and Deviantart. He's a pro writer who has graduated college and earned his degrees. So obviously he has writing classes to vouch for his skills. In fact, his job is reviewing essays and he does lots of cowriting.

[Thor Odinson]

@ Life on lack of creativity: That or they're an artist and not a writer. I have a terrible grasp on descriptive language (though 5 years of Latin has improved my immigrant grammar a little so my syntax is mostly alright), but I'm creative enough :P

Wait, what? I never said this. I'd be a moron to think such nonsense. And also some people in here admitted to being crappy writers. Why should I listen to advice that's coming out of someone who can't write?

That would be me. And the only things I've said in here are college writing =/= fiction writing and explaining Furet's point because you failed to grasp it. I can't speak for the people giving advice, except Furet whom I know to be a good writer.

[Anacybele]

I do both art and writing, but I always thought I was more of a writer.

[Thor Odinson]

About the art...

Well, this is not the thread to be an art critic in, and I don't feel much like it today, anyway.

[Parrhesia]

And to clarify my point, if the first chapter is this unappealing, it is NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM that I do not want to read more. The introduction is meant to... introduce the thing, to represent it, to give an idea of what's to come, and it's kind of terrible at present.

[Life]

No, he's not the one. The friend who helps me is Falchion1984 from fanfiction.net, FEPlanet, and Deviantart. He's a pro writer who has graduated college and earned his degrees. So obviously he has writing classes to vouch for his skills. In fact, his job is reviewing essays and he does lots of cowriting.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Too funny. Get him to reread the first chapter. I'll give you my email in a private message. I want him to email me about every little grammatical mistake he sees in that chapter. Then I'll go over it.

Remember, just grammar. Because I refuse to believe that he actually let you get away with this if he's truly studied writing. And if he has done both, then he deserves to be fired on the spot from any and all jobs he has.

[Anacybele]

Laugh if you want, but it's true. And of course, even great writers like him aren't perfect. I find typos in his revisions all the time, but I correct them. It's no biggie.

And sure, if he agrees to this.

[Life]

Laugh if you want, but it's true. And of course, even great writers like him aren't perfect. I find typos in his revisions all the time, but I correct them. It's no biggie.

And sure, if he agrees to this.

This isn't about finding typos. This is finding incorrect syntax. Once is simply a mistake on a keyboard. The other is not understanding how the English language works. That's why you don't get it.

[Anacybele]

Whatever. Think what you will. I'm done with this pointless argument. I just want to improve as a writer, not argue with people.

[Life]

I'm done with this pointless argument. I just want to improve as a writer, not argue with people.

I'm so close to flaming you. I'm actually starting to get infuriated.

How do you not understand that sticking your fingers in your ears and trying to drown out the noise of people who see active problems in your writing is a bad thing? That guy who just joined the forum today? His signature is "friend of Anacybele". While it's great that you have friends, he just wants you to feel better about yourself. So he'll whisper sweet nothings into your ear. He's essentially your Lady Macbeth. His words are poisonous from a criticism standpoint.

Now myself and Furetchen? We don't care about your well-being. We care about your writing... fuck that, I couldn't give two shits about your writing at this point. Furetchen can crucify the plot for all he wants. But me? When I see sentences like this, I get sick.

After having lost so much, her parents and his, and enduring so much, two wars against unspeakable evil and seeing so much misery and death, their time together had allowed them to get something back and a shred of happiness that lightened their burdens and gladdened their hearts.

This is horrible writing. Four commas in only the first half and then it's a run-on sentence for the second half. Your grasp on syntax is equivalent to my 12 year old sister. Actually, she might be able to write better than this.

[Anacybele]

Do not say my friends don't care about my writing or my well-being. You don't know them. And I'm not "drowning out the noise of those who see active problems in my writng." I'm just getting sick of you insulting me and my friends when you know nothing. NOTHING.

I'll be glad to fix any grammatical errors or typos as I said. I just won't listen to you bitch about people I care for.

[Ansem]

This is amazing why dont you write a sex scene with Elincia and Ike next?

[Life]

I'll be glad to fix any grammatical errors or typos as I said.

Then rewrite it. Because the entire THING is a grammatical error.

[Anacybele]

This is amazing why dont you write a sex scene with Elincia and Ike next?

I don't know if this is sarcasm or not, but whatever the case, sex scenes aren't really my thing.

[Inactive Account]

I noticed a "if you can't write yourself then don't criticize" comment a while back. That's not a particularly productive view towards criticism. It is entirely possible to point out things that are bad (or good) about a work while having a lower skill level than the person who produced it, and such criticism is not rendered invalid by the lesser skill level. To make an analogy, I can't compose music worth beans, but I can tell when something really doesn't sound good.

Like others in the thread, I don't have much of a writing background, but I can still tell that run-ons liberally sprinkled with commas are not technically correct or stylistically good. (Style can sometimes but not always override correctness, but there is a time and a place and neither are here.) My skill level doesn't negate that.

Oh, and don't take Kai's request seriously, he likes to insert himself into discussions for the sake of uncouthness.

[Nanami Touko]

That was extremely entertaining. Never, in my entire life, have I seen someone so deluded into thinking that they're good at something that they'll argue the point against actual, intelligent writers. Ever. There's only one thing you're good at, and that's ignoring critique and pissing people off. You're not going to last long here.

[Life]

I know that there's about a 0% chance that Anacybele has pulled me off of her ignore list but if she hasn't, it would be wise to read this.

If I can point out mistakes in your writing and many people agree with me, it's not a smart idea to say "well, I think your critique is terrible". Mostly because via laws of the English language, I'm actually right and you're incorrect. Stop being stubborn and just accept the help. Furetchen was pointing out major holes in your writing ("sniffling with joy"?) while I went after run-on sentences and your abusive relationships with commas.

Come back down to Earth and learn some humility.

[Caliban of Sycorax]

I'll have you know that I scored very high on the writing section of my college entry test

Congrats. You know how to write essays. So does most of the world. Doesn't mean you're a good writer.

And, by reading this topic, you need to go back and learn critiques. You're not supposed to like every critique you receive. But you take what people say and look at your work from another perspective. Look at it from their shoes, and improve your work. Instead of bitch and moan about "WAAAAH EVERYONE'S AN ASSHAT BECAUSE THEY'RE SO MEAN AND DON'T LIKE MY WRITING", DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Not everyone's gonna fall head over heels for your writing style, but at the very least you can work to improve it so that you don't look like a prick when you brush off critiques every three seconds.