HF Makalov Fanboy Kai Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 is this the topic that is the reason why i see all those other "how to take feedback" topics on SF? from all 4 pages i've read it sure seems like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balcerzak Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) It had been three years since the war known as the Mad King's War, where a noble hero named Ike fought to free his country of Crimea from evil, came to an end. This would be handled significantly better with only a slight rearranging of the placement of the parenthetical. Currently it interrupts the flow of the sentence far too much in that the amount contained in the parenthetical is simply too large. I would suggest. It had been three years since the war where the noble hero named Ike fought to free his country of Crimea from evil, the Mad King's War, came to an end. Look at that, already significant improvement in comprehensibility, IMO, with altogether very minor change in content. Despite this great victory and the bright future it seemed to herald, the seeds of war had only been planted and budding during that bloodshed, and the worst was yet to come. While not bad, the phrasing could have been crisper. "Planted and budding", in particular seems somehow to be a needlessly bulky statement. Despite this great victory and the bright future it seemed to herald, that bloodshed had only been the first sprouting of the seeds of war, with the worst of the conflict yet to come. When coupled with a slight rearrangement in the ordering of the sentence, I feel that it is streamlined and more effectively conveys the meaning. A series of new conflicts stemming from that war soon erupted almost simultaneously, combining and escalating into the greatest battle ever seen on the continent of Tellius, where the armies of two goddesses, Ashera and Yune, fought one another for even greater purposes. Again, there seems to be a tendency to try to stuff in an excess of description than what would effectively convey the tone, at best seeming to merely pad the sentence and draw it out (which could, when upheld throughout the course of an entire work contribute to some measure of boredom), and at worst causing confusion. Take for instance the juxtaposition of "soon" with "almost simultaneously". These are both time indicators, and they mean different things, and are attached to different objects. The "soon" refers to the "series of new conflicts" in general while the "almost simultaneously" is aimed at distinguishing between individual elements in this set. Maybe it's just me, but this didn't work for me. "For even greater purposes" at the end also kind of feels like it's just hanging there. This is a comparative phrase, but what is being compared? The battle of the two goddesses with the Mad King's War? With the smaller individual events in the series of conflicts before this ultimate confrontation? How are the purposes exactly judged, as you're explicitly comparing the "purposes" and not the scale or the stake of the conflicts. So far the only purpose mentioned was "to free his country from evil", and you don't mention the purpose behind either Yune or Ashera's interests. An individual reader has no reason to believe that their purposes are "greater" aside from the fact that you flat-out said so. Show, don't tell. Not long after, a series of new conflicts broke out nearly simultaneously. Eventually they began to overlap, before merging and finally escalating into the greatest battle ever seen on the continent of Tellius. Two armies, commanded by the goddesses Yune and Ashera, fought each other to establish the dominance of either chaos or of order, with the very existence of humanity at stake! I took a little bit more liberty here with the re-write, which may have changed the original meaning some, but most of that was just in the last sentence. I maintain that separating off the first two sentences is still beneficial, and improves clarity without altering your original intent. After a long journey filled with challenging battles and unlikely allies, Sir Ike managed to defeat Ashera, free the thousands of victims of her Judgment, a period where everyone save for her army and Yune's were turned to stone, and bring peace to Tellius once again. Again, your parenthetical phrase is too long. Let the bulkier part of it be in the main, while the pithier part be in the offset. After a long journey filled with challenging battles and unlikely allies, Sir Ike managed to defeat Ashera, free the thousands of victims of the petrification curse she had placed on both armies－her Judgment, and bring peace to Tellius once again. I took the liberty of using an em dash for this parenthetical because you are in the middle of a comma-separated list, and mixing punctuation to avoid confusion is the reason why multiple glyphs can be used for the same purposes (at least in my opinion). Little more than two months have passed since those dark days ended...Somewhere to the west and across the ocean was the continent of Altarais, a land that remained unknown to nearly all of Tellius for several centuries. Your use of tense here is not perfect. It should be. (This is a double-entendre, laugh.) Saying "a land that remained unknown for several centuries" implies that it will continue to be unknown in the near future. Saying "a land that had remained unknown" implies that its period of obfuscation is at an end. Which as evidenced by the following sentence is clearly the intent. Certain events led to its re-discovery and natives of both continents, including the famed Sir Ike and a young Altaraisian mercenary named Azura, began traveling to and fro, developing trade routes quickly. Another place where I would change your handling of parenthetical statements (this is beginning to be a theme). This time I think it could be fixed by a simple alteration in the placement rather than swapping the content. Certain events led to its rediscovery, the swift development of trade routes, and the travelling to and fro of natives from both continents─including the famed Sir Ike and a young Altaraisian mercenary named Azura. However, talk of war had soon spread among the Altarais natives in the country of Talgria as quickly as a plague. Misuse of the perfect tense. "Had" implies the action began and ended in the past. "Has" implies the action began in the past and ended in the recent present. "(nothing)" implies the action is fully in the present. "Began" implies the action begins in the present and continues into the future. However, talk of war soon began to spread among the Altarais natives in the country of Talgria, travelling as quickly as a plague. I also made some other minor changes because I thought they looked good. Azura, the mercenary who possessed a beautiful gold pendant, worked ever more to hone her skill with the blade while a nameless foe dogged her every step. Your use of the definite article here is questionable at best. Since this is an introduction, the indefinite feels better to me. Azura, a mercenary possessing a beautiful gold pendent, continued to strive to hone her skill with a blade despite a nameless foe dogging her every step. I got a little liberal with my edits in the last half of the sentence, as "ever more to" suddenly began to bother me, and I felt that "despite" gave a greater sense of emphasis than "while", though it of course does alter the meaning by making it explicitly clear that she is aware of the pursuit. If she is ignorant on this matter, you would need to find a different way to express this tenacity. Sir Ike left Tellius behind to escape the pain of his lost love, whom had instead married another. A feline warrior named Ranulf accompanied the famous hero to give him hope and comfort. A queen named Elincia gloomily ruled over her nation, longing to find someone close to her heart. The meeting of these four heroes in Altarais is where this tale unfolds. ...And the beginning of a force that would decide the fate of the entire land. I don't think I see anything worthy commenting on in these last sentences, as they are are simple, to the point, and effective. I may or may not continue this with Chapter 1 proper, but I felt that perhaps you might have better luck with the tone of this critique, which I believe hits to the mark of much of Life may have been trying to express. Edited December 2, 2011 by Balcerzak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Sage Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 The only way I can see the story being salvaged would be a complete rewrite where Elincia is in a relationship with Lucia and Ike with Geoffery (because Geoffery is very hot). And Volug with some other chick for kicks. That and taking Bal's advice with sentence structure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanami Touko Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Loling~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.M. Gei Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Aww, isn't that just so sweet? Two DeviantART-ers in their little hugbox, desperately rejecting reality... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansem Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Cant blame him, he just wants some pussy. I'd act the same too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 The odds that she'll see Bal's post: .5% It's a pity, because Bal's a sweetheart, and he's absolutely right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Sage Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Jesus Christ Anacybele, putting people on your ignore list is not going to solve any problems whatsoever. It doesn't change the fact that they're right and you and your friend are wrong. Seph, Life (Bblader) and Furetchen are all very blunt individuals. If they think something is shit, they will not hesitate to tell you it is shit while critiquing you. But the critique they give along with it is usually helpful and they are usually right, you just take their advice and not take what they say personally (btw Seph, you could stand to be a little nicer when critiquing since people might be more willing to listen to you more). I know what I'm talking about here. I was in an RP and there was a lady there who thought my work was mediocre to bad, so she also critiqued me but also flamed me along with it. I was defensive before but looking back, she was right. It can be hard to take harsh criticism but if you're going to evolve as a writer, you're going to need to listen to such people, even if you don't like it. On another note, I particularly love how your two main defenses are "yeah well, that's just like, your opinion man" and "my friend says its good and he has a writing job unlike you jerks ." The latter one is basically the equivalent of "my mom thinks its cool" which is retarded for obvious reasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanami Touko Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (btw Seph, you could stand to be a little nicer when critiquing since people might be more willing to listen to you more). People could learn to grow some spines. Effort on my part? Fuck that. If people want to whine because I've said something rude on top of something right, they shouldn't be on the internet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansem Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Beating a dead horse is so much fun~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Sage Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 People could learn to grow some spines. Effort on my part? Fuck that. If people want to whine because I've said something rude on top of something right, they shouldn't be on the internet. I'd say it's give and take honestly, but whatever. It's not so serious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Laufeyson Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 *sigh* Some lessons are just never learned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 Loling~ D'aww, that's so cute~ It's like they're meant for each other! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Life Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I think I should stalk this chick around the internet to keep telling her that her work is shit and avoiding me doesn't change it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rothene Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I think I should stalk this chick around the internet to keep telling her that her work is shit and avoiding me doesn't change it. Dude, life is better spent on doing more productive things...like... ...alright do what you will, it's YOUR life... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Life Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 Dude, life is better spent on doing more productive things...like... ...alright do what you will, it's YOUR life... I'm waiting to be drafted. There's NOTHING productive I can do at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansem Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I think I should stalk this chick around the internet to keep telling her that her work is shit and avoiding me doesn't change it. Do it do it do it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CT075 Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I vote to clog up her thread with posts she'll never read because we're all ignored. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansem Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 DEAL DEAL DEAL. Anacybelle your writing is terrible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.M. Gei Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 (edited) I wonder what would happen if someone made an ED article on her fanfic... Edited December 5, 2011 by Black★Rock Shooter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Life Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I wonder what would happen if someone made an ED article on her fanfic... Be right back. Someone has to get the link to her, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.M. Gei Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I'd gladly link her... once I'm back home. Oh, and here's another absolute gem on this thing's fanfiction.net page: Notice the complete lack of criticism (and almost hugbox/circle jerk feel). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Life Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Maybe we just have higher standards? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansem Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 They just want some pussy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Life Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) Real criticism. You're welcome. EDIT: That was me being nice too. EDIT #2: Anacybele hasn't been on for a week. My fucking god, is she that insecure? Did she actually run for the hills because we told her the harsh reality of her work? Edited December 8, 2011 by Bblader Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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