FEEDBACK for Knives in the Shadows

[Parrhesia]

Yeah, if it isn't obvious yet I'm pretty rusty.

And am making like half of this up on the spot.

[eclipse]

Your love of people getting killed early, nameless guys, and swearing have not gone anywhere.

Hmm. . .the intro's nowhere near as long as a certain other fic I can think of, and there's a bunch of countries begging to be introduced. However, it looks like your characters are acting more-or-less how I'd expect a war-torn, paranoid bunch of nobles/warriors/other guys to act. Carry on~!

[Agro]

I don't feel that there's enough to go on here. There were no descriptions of the setting whatsoever - where are they? How many people are in the room? And suddenly there's just a cage in the middle of the place? Are you intentionally giving us nothing or have you just forgotten imagery?

[Rothene]

You killed the poor innocent guard doing his duty you JERK!!!

Anyways, I pick up my travelling gear to explore this new...erm possibly old, setting you've got there.

[Parrhesia]

I don't feel that there's enough to go on here. There were no descriptions of the setting whatsoever - where are they? How many people are in the room? And suddenly there's just a cage in the middle of the place? Are you intentionally giving us nothing or have you just forgotten imagery?

It's meant to be pretty vague at this point. Things actually go into detail next chapter.

I'm fairly certain it sounded like a better idea last night.

[Original Alear]

as the land was fresh and ripe for plunder.

I can't unitalicize! Anyway...the land? As in ALL the land? Or do you mean just the Petrarchans' land? I think that "as their land was" would be be better.

their treasury diminished.

If they're fighting to defend their own land, and - presumably - trade relations with the invading countries have broken down (or are there other neighboring countries besides the Ryslanders and the Castrians?) then does the treasury really matter at such a point? It's not like they have time to coin and train professional soldiers. Militia, however, should be easy to raise on the basis of self-defense.

withdrawing only as they starved and were sniped from the hills.

Wait. You told us their land was fresh and ripe for the plunder, but now they're starving as they defend it?

Respite came as the enemy soon found themselves at each others throats

Anyway, it should be each others''. That's supposed to be one apostrophe - italics makes one apostrophe two and two one. Actually I think they up and changed the rules on us and it should be others's, I learned that junior or senior year of college, but there should definitely be some sign of ownership there. No big deal though.

Respite came as the enemy soon found themselves at each others throats, finding Castrian gold and Ryslander steel to be more worth their time,

This sentence is a little unclear to me. "finding Castrian gold and Ryslander steel to be more worth their time" implies a third party that is seeking both Castrian gold and Ryslander steel. But the "at each others throats" seems to imply that the Castrians are seeking Ryslander steel and the Ryslanders Castrian gold, barring the existence of a third party seeking both. Which is it? My gut is that it's the latter.

I don't particularly insist on the setting being fleshed out for the most part, although it might be nice to know what sort of occasion this meeting is being called for, but I agree with Agromono that the cage kind of being thrown at us without a description is a little unclear. There's just this wooden gate which is in the view of all the participants in the story and they're all aware of it but we're left out until it gets mentioned verbally? Better to let us know about such things a little in advance. It's not really a desirable surprise, unlike say, the arm reaching out and crushing the head. Well, hey, that isn't desirable but it's effective.

Edited December 4, 2011 by BlueMartianKitty

[Parrhesia]

I can't unitalicize! Anyway...the land? As in ALL the land? Or do you mean just the Petrarchans' land? I think that "as their land was" would be be better.[/i]

Fair point. Editted in.

If they're fighting to defend their own land, and - presumably - trade relations with the invading countries have broken down (or are there other neighboring countries besides the Ryslanders and the Castrians?) then does the treasury really matter at such a point? It's not like they have time to coin and train professional soldiers. Militia, however, should be easy to raise on the basis of self-defense.

... That's true.

Wait. You told us their land was fresh and ripe for the plunder, but now they're starving as they defend it?

The attackers are starving, as the defenders basically took the food with them as they withdrew.

I'll agree it's an unclear sentence, but I wrote the entire thing in a hurry.

Anyway, it should be each others''. That's supposed to be one apostrophe - italics makes one apostrophe two and two one.

Huh. Noted.

This sentence is a little unclear to me. "finding Castrian gold and Ryslander steel to be more worth their time" implies a third party that is seeking both Castrian gold and Ryslander steel. But the "at each others throats" seems to imply that the Castrians are seeking Ryslander steel and the Ryslanders Castrian gold, barring the existence of a third party seeking both. Which is it? My gut is that it's the latter.

While there are other nations, you're right.

I don't particularly insist on the setting being fleshed out for the most part, although it might be nice to know what sort of occasion this meeting is being called for, but I agree with Agromono that the cage kind of being thrown at us without a description is a little unclear. There's just this wooden gate which is in the view of all the participants in the story and they're all aware of it but we're left out until it gets mentioned verbally? Better to let us know about such things a little in advance. It's not really a desirable surprise, unlike say, the arm reaching out and crushing the head. Well, hey, that isn't desirable but it's effective.

Again, noted.

Thanks for the critique. I'd be glad if you'd follow up on other chapters.

Hell, I'll probably rewrite it before I post up Chapter 1, which is proving to be a bitch.

EDIT: Edits to the prelude have been put up. The introduction of the gates seems a little forced to me, but I couldn't think of a better way.

Edited December 4, 2011 by Furetchen

[Original Alear]

Thanks for the critique. I'd be glad if you'd follow up on other chapters.

I probably will.

(...tabun)

The attackers are starving, as the defenders basically took the food with them as they withdrew.

I'll agree it's an unclear sentence, but I wrote the entire thing in a hurry.

Here's the one other thing I wanna say. Generally, you have a supply line when you're invading so you're not entirely dependent on enemy food supplies. It's simple logistics. Unless they were already running out of food during the course of the invasion and didn't have a supply line, (invade for food!) in which case their withdrawal, without food due to the defenders fleeing with their stocks, suggests they would not have survived to be revenged upon by Petrarcha.

Unless it's something like, they didn't have (much) food producing land and then they invaded, got some fallow land and sat contented there after pushing forward some and then withdrawing?

Edited December 4, 2011 by BlueMartianKitty

[Parrhesia]

...

As I sat thinking about that I realised that the entire point is that they DIDN'T withdraw; the entire thing is partially revenge and partially to take back stolen land.

I'll rewrite tomorrow, then have Chapter One up then hopefully.

[Original Alear]

Oh and one other thing. It is good to throw some positive criticism in there, I guess I already did a bit beforehand with the "effective surprise" part but I thought I would touch on something else.

Sometimes he almost wished for a man who would equal his bravery and insight, except for the fact such a man would have likely had him slain.

I like this line a lot. If he only wished wholeheartedly for a man who would equal his bravery and insight, he would exceed his own bravery by wishing for a man who he believes would be a danger to him (bravery can = stupidity!). LASFREY - FEAR DEATH NOT!

Other voices followed, soon bellowing agreement. Much of the chorus seemed to focus on the content of the room behind Lasfrey, as he'd ordered the late steward's quarters emptied for his own purposes, and now kept the room locked and barred. Finally, Lasfrey slammed on the table.

Yay, better, and best of all, good.

Edited December 5, 2011 by BlueMartianKitty