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Feedback for Itsuke's Fire Emblem: Legend of Sunarca


Itsuke
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Hey, guys! So, I joined quite recently and looking through the site, I found this section quite interesting. Now, I love writing, but I don't think I'm quite good... yet. I'm currently working on a book with the help of my professor/editor. However, to improve my skills, I joined various roleplaying forums. They helped a lot, but I still had ways to go. Anyway... I'm using things from stories and ideas I wrote long ago, stories I had planned finishing after my first book gets published, but I thought it'd be silly to focus on one work... why not many others? Getting feedback from the fine members of Serenes Forest is a rich opportunity I cannot possibly ignore. I love writing and Fire Emblem... combining them both seemed excellent. I introduce to you this story Fire Emblem: The Legend of Sunarca, its tale led by one young boy, Jonah Lanzart. I welcome critique as I seek nothing but to improve myself. I've never done anything like this before... you know writing something, then posting it online for everyone to see... but it should be fun. Oh, I will be doing the prologue and after critiques and whatnot, I'll move on to Chapter 1 if liked.

Fire Emblem: The Legend of Sunarca

Note: I figured this is what I should do first, setting a feedback thread. As I said, all critique is welcome. I hope you will enjoy my story!

Edited by Itsuke
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FIRE EMBLEM: THE LEGEND OF SUNARCA

I am a scholar interested in nothing but the truth of history. I have read many, many history books, but one part of history piqued my interest the most... the history of Sunarca, the city of the legendary race of men who worshipped the sun. This city, now in ruins, rested atop mountains in the northernmost area of the continent Certherion. Such notion sounded ridiculous and in time this race earned nothing but mock. However, legend has it their persistent prayers were heard and the sun, in return for their faith, blessed the Sunarcan with the flames of life, power to call forth fire as hot as the sun itself. Sunfire, they called it.

Sunarcans are original thinkers. And, um, they kind of seem like an entire race of Sues, but you know, I guess Aztecs and such were pretty cool, so I guess that can work-
Overnight, every ridicule turned into commendation and every kingdom in Certherion wanted their power. So, naturally, war erupted. The Sunarcan were not only blessed with the Sunfire, but excellent swordsmanship as well, so they fared well. The Sunarcan warriors were unlike anything seen, mowing down men with their swords and destroying everything with the fire that came out of their hand. One by one, kingdoms surrendered and left the Sunarcans alone
NEVERMIND, THEN.
but not one man... Cyrus Ballart, the king of Mauta. Fearing the Sunarcan, he rose armies and decided to raid Sunarca,
I like him already.
but was defeated at the base of the Mountain of Aran, not even close to the city.
...Oh.
Concerned, jealous and angry, Cyrus learned the dark magics and became crazy within weeks. He formed a deal with the five kingdoms, killed a selected men of 100,000 and rose them with the deepest and darkest of magic.
...What?
With that alone, he was well ready to enter Sunarca and burn it to the ground...
And I'm backing him all the way.
Stood was a large, white marble door, which was broken through by men clad in the blackest of armor known, their faces hidden by their helm.
... Okay.
All that could be seen were their bloody eyes, battle-hungry.
If their eyes are already bloody they're already losing.
Thirty of these men against the fifteen Sunarcan warriors.
They're fucked.
The Sunarcan were in a line of defense and shot flames from their hand, their sword in another. They held back the evil army,
Sunarcans are bad enough at fighting that thirty is an 'army' to them apparently. And I like how there's already a moral judgement on what appears to simply be a more berserk and sympathetic squad of humans.
but no matter how many they burned, eradicated and incinerated, their enemy kept rising, unlike any battle they have been.
A) You can't get back up after being ERADICATED. B) The 'no matter how many they killed' line loses its grandeur when it's like eight guys.
"What is this madness?" said one Sunarcan, who went a step back.
You tell me, kid.
"Lukas, stay in the line. Do not falter!" said another man who seemed to be the commander.
...Was he the commander?
"Yes, sir!" Lukas said.
I'm so glad we care about Lukas, otherwise this would've been an utterly meaningless line.
"Run or fight, either way, you will be dead!" said a man came through the gates and past the army. "I, Cyrus the Great, will end all of Sunarca!"
Nobody talks like this.
"The King of Mauta? I defeated you months ago! What sorcery have you done?!" said the commander.

"Ohohohoho.

Right, you've made it impossible to take the obvious main villain seriously in a mere two sentences and an onomatopoeia.
Ulric, The White Fang? You were merely lucky last time. But not today. These men will be good enough for all of you. Even if you somehow take them down, I have several hundred thousands waiting behind me!
So why are you attacking with thirty at a time?
Men, kill them all! Hahahahahaha!"

The battle raged on for hours

There are forty-five of them and they're already hacking away at each other. How long can that even take?
and the victor became clear with every passing minute. Of all fifteen Sunarcan Warriors, all left were Ulric, Lukas, Castiel, Cristos, and Cristoval, all of them the strongest of Sunarca. They were now pushed back to the temple of their beloved city, their last defense against this mad king. Cyrus was in the very front, his army of 100,000 men behind them. No matter what the warriors did, these undead soldiers kept coming back.
Remind me how anyone survived against A HUNDRED THOUSAND UNDEAD.
"Cristos, go into the temple! Find the priest, he'll know what to do!" Ulric said.

"But sir, I can't jus--" Cristos said, protesting. He wanted to stay behind and fight.

"Scared, little brother? You shouldn't worry, you know how strong we are. Have some faith in all of us. We are the Four Pillars, our formation does not fail.

Formation? THERE ARE FIVE OF YOU LEFT.
If we can find a way to get him alone, kill him,
He has a hundred. Thousand. Of them. I THINK he can keep a couple hundred in reserve as a bodyguard.
then maybe this madness will end." Cristoval said.

"How do you expec--"

Cristos is smart.
"Go!" Lukas said.

"Wait!" said a man in white garb.

CONFLICT
"Avner, the famous White Sage of Sunarca! A pleasure to meet you!" Cyrus said.

"This dark foul magic... you took the lives of my people... and so you must return the favor with the lives of your men!" Avner yelled.

"My men cannot be killed, old man. Come face your death, if you'd like to try!" Cyrus chuckled.

"I don't think so. You underestimate Sunarca. I was the first who was blessed with the sun's power... allow me to show you! Reveal your presence and sanctuarize! Sunaura!" Avner rose his hand up and blinding light expanded the whole area and within seconds, the 100,000 men cursed by Cyrus' dark magic were freed and destroyed.

"What have... bah! No matter. They have done their duty, which was to kill as many Sunarcan as possible! Now all I have to do is... kill you all!" Cyrus growled.

"Protect my son, little brother!" Cristoval said, pushing Cristos into the temple. The dark haired, green-eyed 18 year old teenager stood in awe of his companions and continued his way into the temple, following Avner...

... I'm going to just forget that paragraph ever happened.

"This might as well be our final fight, yeah? We are Sunarcan! Like phoenixes, we will rise again!
Please tell me you're being metaphorical and this isn't actually a power of yours.
Let's go!" Ulric shouted, pointing his sword at Cyrus. Sunarcan wielded nothing but swords and had the Sunfire at their disposal, but only the strongest and most skilled Sunarcan can set their blades ablaze at will. These four men were the Four Pillars of Sunarca, the center is their leader, Avner, The White Sage. These four men charged at Cyrus, as Cristos went to help the last hope of Sunarca escape...
Something tells me numbers will have more effect on a 4v1 than a 100,000v15.
Horror was everywhere. Cristos had seen things he never thought in his life he would see. Men, women and children killed. There was nothing the warriors could do against these numbers of men. This was completely unexpected. They were caught off guard and by the time they were able to snap out of it and get everyone to safety, many were already killed. Cristos dearly hoped his sister-in-law and nephew made it, but the odds were against his wishes. Within seconds, he made it to the altar.

"Uncle!" shouted a boy, who was holding a short sword, his eyes red with tears. Percival, Cristoval's son. Was the boy scared? That would be expected, he's only nine. The boy was timid and did not like fighting. Wait... next to the boy was the lifeless body of Cristoval's wife, Alys.

"Alys! No..."

"I'm sorry, Uncle! Mother was trying to protect me and... and the soldier killed her! I thought Avner could help..." Percival said, trembling. The boy saw his mother killed? How cruel. Cristos shook the boy and took him to a trapdoor behind the altar, placing him in there. "Don't come out, no matter what, until no one is here, then flee this place and go to Lann. You know where it is, right? Good... farewell, nephew!" Cristos closed the trapdoor and wiped off tears as he approached Avner. He, at the moment, wondered how the four men fared...

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" Cyrus said, smirking. If he was here, then the others must have... "Yes, I killed those three fools and I'm going to do the same to you all! They were quite the challenge, but with MY new power, they were nothing!"

...So numbers apparently hinder things now.
"NOOOooooo!!" Cristos roared and unsheathed his sword, making a jump slash as his sword went ablaze, but Cyrus countered with a simple swing.
Fight scenes are hard. I appreciate this. But this is a terrible start to one.
Cristos, persistent, continue his assault, distraught over the death of his friends, his fellow warriors and his brother.

"You madman!" Avner shouted and was about to use his Sunaura tome when Cyrus impaled Cristos' body with his sword. The blazing sword of Sunarca was ineffective... at least against Cyrus' blade. "For... Sunarca..."

...meh.
"Stupid boy. So, Avner, you're the last one, huh? The only surviving Sunarcan... I get rid of you and this world will be mine for taking. But first... where is it? The Fire Emblem!!"
TITLE DROP
"How do you know about..." Avner said, shocked. How can anyone know about it? The Fire Emblem was a rare stone, which allowed the Sunarcan to be granted with their power. If the stone fell into the hands of a man like Cyrus, then this world will truly see an end, nothing but pure destruction.
Translation: Sunarcans lose their innate Sueness. This is a bad thing, how?
Anger flowing, Avner's body glowed eerily with brightness and a burst of light collided into Cyrus, knocking him back. A smirk in response. He charged and impaled Avner as well. Avner, very close to death, laughed.

"So close to death, you have lost all sense of reasoning?"

...'All sense of reasoning'? I kind of like to imagine Cyrus is speaking in the Sunarcan tongue and has a very incomplete grasp of it. And has like a really thick French accent or something.
Avner looked at the man and his eyes were completely white.
I assume Cyrus', but...
In a ghostly tone, Avner said, "Born will be a child of great power who will oppose the evilest of men with blue flames of life and exact revenge on those who mocked the power of the sun. The child shall face nothing but hardship, truth always slipping through his grasps. The child shall be truly the last of Sunarca when the blood of the father spills, for only then can the child understand the origin."

Cyrus laughed loudly and turned his back on Avner, walking away. "How will that be possible when YOU are the last of Sunarca?

He has a pretty good point, but he's probably forgotten some royal brat that was having a picnic in foreign and inferior lands.
Foolish old man! I don't need the Fire Emblem, anyway. It will find its way into my hands.
Well if you don't need it why do you care that you'll get it eventually...
I have all the time in the world... mwahahahaha!"

Never use 'mwahaha' on a villain we're intended to take seriously again.

THOUGHTS

1. I don't give a shit about Sunarca

2. I don't know about anywhere else

3. I can't take Cyrus seriously

4. FIFTEEN MEN CANNOT HOLD OFF A HUNDRED THOUSAND FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME

5. Dialogue is stilted and I cannot imagine anyone seriously saying any of that.

6. Fighting is... just off.

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Aside from agreeing with what Furetchen said, I would like to add some points of my own:

Firstly, there's the matter of prophesies. The problem with them, especially the kind you have used is that it kills a lot of the suspense in the plot. It ruins any sense that the hero might fail, or that the ending will be anything other than the villain being destroyed. I’m of the belief that if you want to use prophesies you’re best making them vague/ambiguous, or better yet, not introduce them at the very start to reassure your readers.

This also tells me that I won’t like your main protagonist. I assume at this point that Jonah is the prophesied figure and will be the hero. Just as mentioned before, that removes any and all mystery and suspense from the plot and it also makes Jonah very boring before you’ve introduced him. I know now that he’s going to be the hero because the prophesy said so; not because he has skill, or a particular personally trait, but because a magic destiny was placed on him.

Secondly, the villain of this piece is pretty lousy. If he had even a hint of genre savvy he would know not to just brush of a prophesy. But seriously, he’s less of an actual character than a cardboard cut-out. Everything about him screams your typical and childish dark lord villain. Black armour, evil laughter, arrogance, world destroying. There’s absolutely nothing in him that’s interesting, intriguing, or original. There’re also several time, as Furetchen pointed out, where he contradicts himself in his dialogue. Another example of this is when he says:

“They were quite the challenge, but with MY new power, they were nothing!"

If they were nothing, then how could he have considered them challenging? I would seriously consider redoing the villain if I were you.

Edited by Shuuda
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  • 2 weeks later...

Much thanks for your feedback! It is certainly better than hearing it from my mentors. Well, sorta. I realized I kind of rushed most of the stuff out there without thinking much of it. I've decided to redo the prologue, add more to it, and work on my fight scenes (one of my weaknesses that i'd like to overcome!). I'll keep redoing it until I have done my absolute best. Once again, thanks and stay tuned.

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