Feedback for Return of the Emblem: Rebellion

[Phoenix]

Uh yeah I haven't made one of these in awhile so ... whatever. Make feedback if you feel like it

[Shuuda]

Guess who feels like it.

First off, what the heck is with all these ellipses? You appear to end every piece of dialogue with one, even when you would never need it. One of a million examples would include:

“We’re getting dangerously close to our maximum takeoff weight!” the voice called back over the intercom. “There’s still a lot of people out there, too … and the soldiers … we can’t take everyone.” The captain paused, not answering. “C-captain …?”

Specifically looking at the one you placed before the question mark, which does not appear to serve any sort of purpose. I would also like to point out that you are typing it wrong; It should be written as “and the soldiers…” not “and the soldiers …”. If I had to guess I would say your abuse of the ellipse is a poor attempt to make the spoken dialogue appear more dramatic.

Speaking of poor dramatic dialogue, it reads very cheesy to me in general; especially during the very first part. I got a major case of déjà vu from reading it, perhaps because it resembled so many cartoons I watched as a child. Other parts did not get any better, including the “snappy comebacks” from Lilith. None of it felt original, clever, deep, or vaguely interesting.

Of course there were other grammar issues with your dialogue beyond just the ellipses. Here is an example:

“Stop pursuing the Valcyn, at once.” She demanded.

“We don’t take orders from you, Alliance dog!” the captain spat back.

Not only is this bad, but it is strangely inconsistent. Surely the first part of that should be; “Stop pursuing the Valcyn, at once,” she demanded.

Moving on from that I will make some points about the actual plot; and what can I say beyond a drawn out barf into a bucket?

I know; how about telling you that you forgot to place a thin veil over the story to at least try to disguise how bland and cliché the heroes and villains are. I mean I should have just stopped reading upon seeing something called the “Shadow God”. Ten seconds of thinking could have produced a better deity than that. Surely you intended to have “Dark Legion” as just a joke name and you do not actually think naming them that was a good idea?

Names like that are just a cheap way to telling our audience where their sympathies should lie. The motives of the Dark Legion is also overdone (it is basically the same as what Cyrus from Pokemon D/P wanted), not the mention delusional. I don’t know how you ever thought you could get away with such a crappy idea.

Between the great numbers of characters you introduced and your rampant viewpoint hopping I really could not get a real feel for anyone involved.

Ultimately, I know I should not have bothered reading this when I saw “Dark Legion” in the overview, but what can I say; I guess I’m just a masochist.

That is all I can really care to write out.

[Phoenix]

Speaking of poor dramatic dialogue, it reads very cheesy to me in general; especially during the very first part. I got a major case of déjà vu from reading it, perhaps because it resembled so many cartoons I watched as a child. Other parts did not get any better, including the “snappy comebacks” from Lilith. None of it felt original, clever, deep, or vaguely interesting.

I'll definitely keep that in mind.

If I had to guess I would say your abuse of the ellipse is a poor attempt to make the spoken dialogue appear more dramatic.

And you'd guess wrong. It's just a portrayal quirk I picked up from role playing. I've always had trouble trying to accurately portray exactly how a character is talking. It's even harder when they have those little pauses that are too short, or too long to warrant a semi-colon(IMO). A lot of times its easier with ellipses than constantly explaining it in quote tags too. In the most extreme case of being specific, I end up with something like this; "she replied, pausing between the words x and x, and then speaking faster from then on out". I know it's not necessary to get into that much detail, but the interpretations of others used to plaguee me in roleplay, so I don't leave how characters say something to the imagination. Besides, ellipses are fun ....~

“Stop pursuing the Valcyn, at once.” She demanded.

“We don’t take orders from you, Alliance dog!” the captain spat back.

Not only is this bad, but it is strangely inconsistent. Surely the first part of that should be; “Stop pursuing the Valcyn, at once,” she demanded.

Maybe, but could you explain why? No point in considering a point if it's not explained, after all. Commas aren't something I usually end a quote with(at least not unless it wasn't a complete thought or statement).

I mean I should have just stopped reading upon seeing something called the “Shadow God”. Ten seconds of thinking could have produced a better deity than that.

That took me hours to come up with, you jerk (the title and character weren't thought up at the same time FYI. 'Shadow God' is actually a very recent secondary title I came up with to tag onto the original character, so he wouldn't have to be referred to by name or 'their leader' all the time)

Surely you intended to have “Dark Legion” as just a joke name and you do not actually think naming them that was a good idea?

Is now a bad time to point out that that's the title the Sardian Alliance gave them? True they're called this in narration as well, but this has all been told from just their and Lilith's perspective so far. They may or may not have an official name for their forces, but it doesn't need to come up in the very first chapter. Dark Legion works just fine for now, extremely typical or not. If it really bothers readers that much, I'd be fine giving them an official title, but I don't think it's necessary at this point.

Ultimately, I know I should not have bothered reading this when I saw “Dark Legion” in the overview, but what can I say; I guess I’m just a masochist.

... and a sadist. So if you shouldn't have bothered reading, I'm wondering ... are you going to keep reading? Trying to figure out if I'm going to have any more problems pointed out by you in the future, that's all.