A remake of my old story. Path of a Branded.

[Gin_Devil]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7598220/1/bA_b_bbrandeds_b_bpath_b

Tell me what you think if you read it please.

[Kay]

How did an injured soldier get to the same village that much faster than Skeath?

In both fight scenes, it's pretty much impossible to tell who is who. Also, I'm not sure there's any point in waiting to reveal Skeath's name. Why not just show the chapter entirely from his point of view and limit the secrecy to what is useful?

Your grammar and spelling need some work, too.

[Parrhesia]

Because you can't speak English and I pray to high heaven it isn't your first language, I'll be correcting it as I go.

A forest clearing, housing a lone man. He was sitting new a fire that burned brightly. The sun had set and the moon was high in the sky. He glanced at the tree, a habit that he couldn't get rid of.

okay I have no idea how I'd fix the shit here fuck it abort ABORT

He pulled out his back, dried jerky held in.

Impaled by beef jerky. ...okay. It's not the most common injury, but...

He pulled a one out. He quickly at it, enjoying the dryness of it.

... How do you 'enjoy the dryness' of anything? ... He quickly WHAT at it?

He could hear the bushes moving, as someone walked through them.

Okay. What kind of someone?

"So the scouts were right. There is a man here, a traveler that crossed the border without paying the travel tax," said the soldier with black armour on, a slight smirk on his face.

Fixed spelling because cbf

So, I assume the other soldiers aren't wearing black armour? There are other soldiers? First I've heard of 'em. Establish the fucking scene.

"Yes." Said the traveler, slight shinning off of his white cloak. He got up, smile on his own face. "Theirs also no way in hell that I'd give ya the money." He finished, drawing his spear.

... what?

Two more soldiers came out, all armed with lances.

"Then we'll just kill you and take everything that you have." They said, preparing to fight.

It is here that I finally realise that the 'traveler' is the first guy mentioned. You didn't exactly make that clear.

This part was just dull. By the way, third line is a preparation to fight? Really?

"I wonder, if I fight you would that make me feel alive again."

This is a question. Questions are finished with question marks. Add a question mark.

Said the traveler, a green and crimson eye shinning out of the hood. He dashed insane smile played his lips.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

The first quickly rolled out of the way of it.

ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY OF WHAT, A SMILE?! THE FIRST WHAT? ESTABLISH WHAT IS HAPPENING!

The other two stabbed at him. He ducked under, surprising one of them. He quickly stabbed it at him, easily going through his stomach.

What is he even fucking using to stab people with? ... WHO is stabbing? I'm assuming it's Traveler Bro, who is probably a blatant Mary Sue.

Just using Masculine Intuition, there.

"You bastard!" Screamed his partner jabbing the lance at the man. He ducked, the lance caching his hood. It ripped it right off, showing his brown and black hair.

I like to believe that Marty's body is literally half red eyes black hair and tanned skin and half green eyed brown haired and white. Like, perfectly split down the middle.

The other came from behind, stabbing through the mans hand.

Okay so it's mostly legible with some thought but could you fucking deign to mention who the fuck is who?

"Shit." He muttered,

YOU DON'T MUTTER ANYTHING WHEN YOU ARE IN A BATTLE AND HAVE BEEN KNIFED THROUGH THE HAND

YOU SCREAM LIKE A LITTLE GIRL OR YOU GRIN AND FUCKING BEAR IT

OR YOU GRUNT OR SOME SHIT

YOU DO NOT 'MUTTER'

kicking the man.

This would be the one in armour? ... Yeah good luck with that

He let go of the lance, which was still through the mans arm.

I've lost track of who this is, now.

He pulled out a knife, with a quick fling sent it into the head of the one who still had a lance. A surprised look was on his face as his body fell to the ground.

OKAY SOMEONE DIED fuck who was it

A pained look was on the mans face as he pushed the lance through. Once he was done the last had gotten up. He had picked up one of his allies lances and dashed at him. The man quickly dodged right and punched the warrior in the face.

He fell to the ground shocked. An insane look was on the mans face as he picked him up.

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHO ANY OF THIS IS okay the word 'insane' was used it's probably Marty

"You hurt my body, now time for me to cause you pain." He said with an insane smile.

That is the lamest fucking phrase ever. Try something like, I dunno, "You think you can hurt me? Let me show you REAL pain." If you want to keep the vibe of 'egomaniacal fuckwit' going, anyway.

He walked over to the fire, which still burned. He walked till he was right beside it, dropping the man on top of it, face first.

Man, I really hope that guy isn't gonna be our protagonist, because he's a cunt.

The warrior let out a scream as the man picked up his bag.

"Tell your allies if you live to stay away from Skeath, me." He stated as he walked out of the clearing, leaving the screaming man.

...He's going to be our protagonist, isn't he.

Fuck.

Damn I need to get a new cloak now. Thought Skeath, he wasn't tired. He had taken to traveling at night, easier to dodge people. He glanced up. Taking in the sky.

They couldn't make me feel alive again. I need stronger opponents. He thought.

"And those fools of Daein aren't even strong." He said aloud as he pulled off his cloak.

Why did he say that aloud? Try SAYING some of this shit to yourself, you'll notice it mostly sucks.

He had on red armor which had many dents as well as scraps on it. He couldn't hear screams anymore.

Bastards probably dead now. Thought Skeath smirk on his face. He knew where he was going, just not how long it would take. He could see a village rising in the distance. He decided to try to go, he needed a new cloak anyway. As he walked in her could see some of the towns militia at the gate.

Damn, these humans get or my nerves. Thought Skeath as he walked up to one. They seemed shocked, glancing down to his arm.

Okay, I've stopped caring about Skeath even harder.

I'm starting to care about how little I care about Skeath.

"Who are you?" Questioned the other, raising an axe.

"Someone who needs a new cloak." Said Skeath.

"And a healer." Said the first one.

"This." He said pointing to his arm, "This is nothing,

Rhetorical question. He should still say "This?"

I just need a new cloak and a place to stay for the night. Would this town be able to supply me with that?" He questioned.

"Maybe." Said the second, axe still in hand.

"Give me a straight answer." Said Skeath slightly angry, crimson eye piercing through his hair.

"No." Said the same guard.

. . .

That was the most fucking pointless set of dialogue ever.

"Then I'll be on my way." Said Skeath moving to turn the other way.

kcoolbye

"Bastard." Someone muttered from behind. He turned seeing a burned solider standing their. He hand a lance piercing the ground, using it as a kain.

Thought 1: I have far more fucking sympathy for the soldier by this point, and I will be sad if he dies.

Thought 2: He's gonna die.

Thought 3: ...the fuck is a kain?

"So you survived the burning, yet you still came after me." Stated Skeath, this time placing his lance at his back. He quickly pulled out a sword at his side.

"Yes. But I made a stop first." He said with a smirk. Five more came from the forest, armed with almost every weapon except for knife and magic.

So let's list them off; battleaxe, poleaxe, longsword, dagger, lucerne hammer, warhammer, lance, spear, bill, bec-de-corbin, guisarme, glaive, glaive-guisarme, halberd, claymore, crossbow, longbow, shortbow, hunting bow, arquebus, cannon...

"Daein soldiers, alert the villagers!" Yelled one of the guards. Skeath dashed at one of them, this one had an axe.

"You friends didn't make me feel alive, neither will you." He said. His sword hit the axe. Skeath ducked, an arrow flew over head, hitting the axe man.

Shut the fuck up, Skeath.

Skeath rolled backwards, seeing one of the archers on the wall had shot.

So their going to fight with me. Thought Skeath as a swordsman dashed at him. Skeath raised his sword only to be bypassed. He barely moved out of the way, as it entered his body.

It missed anything vital. He thought, striking the man with his sword. He let go of the sword, which stayed in his body. He pulled it out, a sting going through his body.

Well, I'm glad he can at least be wounded.

... Is he going to show any signs of HAVING BEEN RUN THROUGH WITH A SWORD

That's the only reason I know I'm still alive. He thought as he used his sword to pierce the down mans heart. His eyes showed shock.

He turned seeing a spear coming at him. The axe guard got in front of him, blocking the blow with his axe. The spear user was shocked, not expecting it to be blocked. Skeath blocked a sword that had been going at the axe user. He he sent it off its path, hitting the spear of his ally, making them stunned as they fell to the ground.

... Huh?

Skeath and the axe man cut the heads off of both of the enemies. They turned, nodding at each other.

He had a scar going across the top of his face. He had blue eyes, a blue helmet on his head. It came down covering his nose. They went back to back, seeing that they were all dead.

... um, that was... that seemed quick. And rubbish.

"Looks like it's over." Said Skeath sheathing his sword.

And I'm over this for today. Tomorrow I will return. You will improve. It can scarcely decline.

[eclipse]

First impression - You have quite a few sentence fragments. Try combining them, to make things flow better. For example:

A forest clearing, housing a lone man. He was sitting new a fire that burned brightly. The sun had set and the moon was high in the sky. He glanced at the tree, a habit that he couldn't get rid of.

can turn into:

Night had fallen over the forest, but this did not bother one of its inhabitants. He sat in a clearing, glancing at a tree that was illuminated by a fire he'd made not too long ago.

It's not the only way to do it, and it's probably not the best, but it's a start. Onward!

The setting that I've been told so far is some forest. Then, soldiers come out, say something about a tax, the man mouths off, and the soldiers want to kill him? This puzzles me. Where is this man? What kind of soldiers are they? And what the heck just happened in that battle scene? Uh, next.

---

I find myself not liking Skeath, just from his remarks. He seems sadistic. Here's a couple of examples why:

"You hurt my body, now time for me to cause you pain." He said with an insane smile. He walked over to the fire, which still burned. He walked till he was right beside it, dropping the man on top of it, face first.

Bastards probably dead now. Thought Skeath smirk on his face.

It's one thing to be a Mary Sue. It's another to be a bastard with plot protection, unless the point of this thing is for me to cheer for Daein or something. . .oh, wait. . .

So their going to fight with me. Thought Skeath as a swordsman dashed at him. Skeath raised his sword only to be bypassed. He barely moved out of the way, as it entered his body.

It missed anything vital. He thought, striking the man with his sword. He let go of the sword, which stayed in his body. He pulled it out, a sting going through his body.

Your main character seems to be a jerk who can instantly determine if a sword headed towards his shoulder will slice open his subclavian artery/vein. That pushes it from "unbelievable" to "I feel like porting a random character from one of my fics over to blow Skeath's lungs up".

. . .and then the village decides that between some random guy who just dropped into their village and some soldiers, they'd. . .fight the soldiers. In a slightly more realistic setting, they'd probably barricade themselves into their homes. If the soldiers are evil, they'd see to it that the village was destroyed for defying them. If they weren't, then why turn against the soldiers in the first place?

The rest of it seems like some sort of village scene, involving. . .uh, I have no idea at this point. I'm not sympathetic to your main character, and the supporting cast isn't helping. So. . .improvements:

- He sounds like a jerk, and with no background, it's hard to say why he's doing all of this. I have no idea what's up with the soldiers, or the villagers.

- You need to be more clear on who's talking.

- Try to cut down on the sentence fragments.

- Perhaps cut off the chapter after the second wave of soldiers go down? It seems like there's two separate things going on - the soldiers, and then the village's unexpected response.

I might write more later. I'm sleepy.