Feedback for Celestial Chronicles

[Cain Magnus]

http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=30713

All I ask is that you don't pull any punches on any constructive criticism. Go all out when judging. I'd like to think I'm tough enough to not get upset with something that is made to help me improve my skills.

[eclipse]

You mentioned typos and tense-switching as possible errors. Would you mind if I listed them, since I'm just out of the Prologue, and found several.

EDIT: I'm here, so I might as well start commenting, too. . .

As the wind blew a side of the dark blue battle cloak he wore, a lone sword was seen sheathed in it's rather modern day-styled scabbard...and his left hand gripped the very top of the sheath, almost touching the blade's handle, which took the appearance of a Katana-like weapon.

1. Read up on the uses of it's and its. You've got them mixed up, and this isn't the only place it's happened.

2. No need for ellipses here. The second thought can go into a sentence of its won.

3. Katana is the name of a type of sword, no different than long sword. It doesn't need to be capitalized.

4. Do we, the reader, need to know about the intricate details of the sword at this point in time?

"Ian of Blade Squadron! Temporary Commandant Zan requires your presence in the briefing room. Do not be late, all right?" A very feminine voice said within the call.

1. The "all right?" ending conflicts with the tone of the rest of the message, which I assume is meant to be a command.

2. I don't think the "A" needs to be capitalized (the one right after the quotes).

3. You can probably end this after "said".

"...Yes, ma'am. Understood." The young man, Ian replied before cutting the link as his finger slipped from the comm. link and causing him to rub the back of his short wavy black hair.

Ian had just been introduced via the last quote, so I don't think you need to specify "the young man". Are these devices designed such that he needs to rub the back of his head, because the way that sentence is written makes it seem that way.

This was Ian's big moment he was waiting for. Although it would have been better if he received orders from the real Commandant, he was at least satisfied that he could finally put his skills up to the test.

Ian has a very high opinion of himself.

On the way to the briefing room, Ian passed through the very large lounge where soldiers socialize and rest up after missions while having cooked meals prepared for them, as well as entertainment like video games and television. He took a moment to gaze upon the liveliness of the lounge from the upper area he stood from. He'd only recently joined Radiant Force, so none of the people in this lounge, or rather no one in Radiant Force besides his brother even knew him...just that he was a new recruit. So it was difficult to find friends, despite being the Commandant's son.

I'm rather relieved that he's not pushing his relationship (yet), but isn't the Commandant some other guy at the moment?

The female was regaining her balance after getting knocked down. She placed a slight frown on her face, but then looked down to Ian as she stood back up. Before she could shout at him, which from the look on her face, that's what she wanted to do, she realized that it's her fault because she wasn't looking while reading. Taking the time to calm down, she prepared herself.

Will you be looking over Ian's shoulder the entire time, or will you randomly interject everyone else's thoughts into the story? I'd rather it be the former.

"Goodness...are you all right? I'm sorry. I wasn't paying even the slightest attention." She said as she held out her hand, which had a milky white-colored and soft glove covered around it. Her other hand was also covered with a glove, along with her matching black outfit of a normal female officer, sporting a small jacket, an undershirt, and a long skirt.

Let's say I have a character named Bob, who's speaking to someone in a dress. Here's what it should look like:

"Nice dress," Bob mumbled.

Speaking of girly attire, I usually do not approve of skirts in the military, unless she's a permanent desk job, or on the way to a formal event.

The moment Ian looked up after regaining his senses, he was about to take her helpful hand until he caught a look at her face and instantly blushed. He didn't know what to say...as he was completely distracted by her beauty. Her purple eyes matched with her hair perfectly. He also noticed a blade sheathed on her side, which took the appearance of a Rapier-type close-ranged weapon from it's handle and a round symbol on her shoulder of her outfit that has a sword going through the Radiant Force's symbol. That lead him to believe she was also a part of the team he was assigned to: Blade Squadron, as he also had the same symbol on his shoulder.

I don't like romance in writing, because most writers can't pull it off correctly (Tales of Symphonia and Dawn of the New World, I AM LOOKING AT YOU). Unless it's a Really Huge Plot Point, I'd suggest not attempting it until you've had a lot of experience with writing characters as characters. Otherwise, it flows like a river of rocks.

He never felt this way before, continuing the rub the back of his head excessively. But he was still too embarrassed to talk anymore, standing there silently. But to his advantage, he remembered that he had to get over to the briefing room.

If I saw a guy do this, I'd probably be creeped out.

"What a strange guy...but looks like our squad's going to have a little bit more fun from now on." She said to herself with a chuckle, then continued to wander off into her own little world within the contents of her book.

My reaction: "What an idiot. He needs to wash his hair more often, too."

Now that he made his escape, Ian took a very deep breath as he leaned on one of the walls. After opening his eyes, he had seen that he's in front of the door that has "Briefing Room" above it. This was the place.

Uh, escape? He sounds rather sheltered, if bumping into a pretty girl was that uncomfortable for him.

Before Ian could take another step, a short, yet neatly combed down green-haired female with classes holding a clipboard approached the swordsman of Blade Squadron, once again sporting the common female officer's look. She began to get closer, then used her index finger to poke Ian in the chest out of frustration.

1. Glasses, not classes.

2. That is extremely unprofessional. I'm pretty sure she'd be fired on the spot if this was a real military.

"Lieutenant, it's quite all right. It's the boy's first time. Allow me to take it from here."

"Lieutenant, you are on duty, so start acting like it."

"Ian Magnius...it's a pleasure to finally meet you." Said the Commandant. "I bet you are wondering why I would summon a new recruit in such a manner?"

I'm pretty sure sensible military protocol doesn't have superior officers speaking casually to new recruits.

"...Because I'm Commandant Magnius' son, sir?" Ian held his arm up and followed up with a salute, standing properly with his feet closed together.

At least Ian's acting appropriately.

"Yes. We have high expectations for you, my boy. Did you know that your older brother, Cain has advanced to Captain? Both of you hold the potential your father has."

"No, sir, I had no idea that my brother, who I idolize, has done anything of note."

Ian became silent for a bit. Even though it's his brother, he felt quite inferior to him. Cain was always better at things than Ian was. Wielding a sword, great at games, and everything else they've enjoyed together. But thinking back on Zan's words, Ian looked to the commander, as if he was concerned about something.

1. Spot the two sentences that can be joined.

2. Ian's gone casual already. His superior officers are setting a terrible example.

"But enough small talk, Ian. It's about time we've gotten down to your first assignment...and it's perfect for a beginning soldier." Zan spoke. "As you know, this important mission is also a test of ability. Are you prepared for the mission details?"

Sounds like Ian's being coddled. I don't like this.

"...According to intelligence division, our space station's been acting strangely. All communications have been knocked off and we are unable to contact them. Before the disturbance, they say some suspicious activity was spotted on the Moon...yes, THE Moon." Zan explained. "Officials came to a conclusion that this strange activity is the source of the problem. You and other members of Blade Squadron will depart for the Radiant Force's space station within the hour to investigate what the hell's going on up there. Then travel to the moon to quell this 'suspicious activity' that moon base is reluctant to elaborate on further other than giving vague details. Do you understand and accept this mission, Ian?"

This sounds like something the entire squadron should hear, not just Ian. Unless the "new guy" is suddenly in charge of Blade Squadron (hint: DON'T DO THAT).

"...Yes, sir! It's a duty of a soldier to accept any given task...nor do they have the right to refuse a superior officer." Ian said in the appropriate and formal way of speaking to a superior.

I smell a plot turning point in this statement.

"Good to hear. Now then...head over to the Hangar and show us what you can do, son of Sigurd. Report to me upon completion of the task."

Hey, more preferential treatment!

When he passed by Gelma, who surprisingly didn't have anything to say, he exited the automatic door. The first talk with temporary officer of command was very tough and awkward for Ian, but he felt a lot better to get things off his chest. He knew that the more military experience and more talking with his superiors, he'd get used to it and act like his usual, calm and collected self. Walking through the hallways once more, he thought about his future...and his quest to find his father along the way. But this was, of course only the beginning...

I hope the superior officer he's in contact with for the forseeable future is the commander of Blade Squadron.

OVERALL: Ian's getting quite the treatment because of his family, and that doesn't help him as a character. It tells me the military's corrupt (which is way too early in the story to say such things, IMO), or he's wandering into Sue territory. I don't like either.

Edited February 23, 2012 by eclipse

[Cain Magnus]

You mentioned typos and tense-switching as possible errors. Would you mind if I listed them, since I'm just out of the Prologue, and found several.

Sure thing. Go ahead.

[Cain Magnus]

1. Read up on the uses of it's and its. You've got them mixed up, and this isn't the only place it's happened.

2. No need for ellipses here. The second thought can go into a sentence of its won.

3. Katana is the name of a type of sword, no different than long sword. It doesn't need to be capitalized.

4. Do we, the reader, need to know about the intricate details of the sword at this point in time?

Yep, the its and it's aren't typos there. Thanks for pointing those out. And as for the sword, I suppose I did go a little overboard on explaining the details a little too soon...XD

Ian had just been introduced via the last quote, so I don't think you need to specify "the young man". Are these devices designed such that he needs to rub the back of his head, because the way that sentence is written makes it seem that way.

Well, I was trying to pass off the point that he felt a little embarrassed to himself regarding the message, though it seems I'm not too good at pulling that off. :P

I'm rather relieved that he's not pushing his relationship (yet), but isn't the Commandant some other guy at the moment?

Yeah, though just for now until when or if ever the real Commandant returns. So the temp. commanding officer is just a filler...a very long one at that. XD

Will you be looking over Ian's shoulder the entire time, or will you randomly interject everyone else's thoughts into the story? I'd rather it be the former.

Well, it's mostly Ian's thoughts. Though I did intend to interject the thoughts of those necessary for certain situations. But if Ian's thoughts alone would be best, I can change it.

Speaking of girly attire, I usually do not approve of skirts in the military, unless she's a permanent desk job, or on the way to a formal event.

That can be changed easily then. I've taken note. :)

I don't like romance in writing, because most writers can't pull it off correctly (Tales of Symphonia and Dawn of the New World, I AM LOOKING AT YOU). Unless it's a Really Huge Plot Point, I'd suggest not attempting it until you've had a lot of experience with writing characters as characters. Otherwise, it flows like a river of rocks.

Well, their relationship is important in events later on. But thanks. I'll steer clear from any romance after this point. (God, you should see one of my stories before this one...XD )

If I saw a guy do this, I'd probably be creeped out.

...Yeah, I believe I used "excessively" in this sentence in particular quite wrong. XD I meant it as a nervous type of thing.

Uh, escape? He sounds rather sheltered, if bumping into a pretty girl was that uncomfortable for him.

Yep...I once again worded things incorrectly, haha. I actually meant for that sentence to describe Ian's fail at keeping his cool.

1. Glasses, not classes.

2. That is extremely unprofessional. I'm pretty sure she'd be fired on the spot if this was a real military.

Yeah, here's one of those missed typos...though I must say, that must be one of the most stupidest typos I've made all year...XD

And greatly noted.

This sounds like something the entire squadron should hear, not just Ian. Unless the "new guy" is suddenly in charge of Blade Squadron (hint: DON'T DO THAT).

Well, I mainly worded it that way for Zan because the squad already heard the mission details before Ian did. But I should have made him state so otherwise, so yeah, I'll look out for that from now on.

OVERALL: Ian's getting quite the treatment because of his family, and that doesn't help him as a character. It tells me the military's corrupt (which is way too early in the story to say such things, IMO), or he's wandering into Sue territory. I don't like either.

Ironically, I was trying to avoid that. XD I'll admit that I have a nasty habit of contradicting my actions unintentionally when writing. I need to grow out of that.

--

Everything else that wasn't quoted, I just took good note of it. Thanks for your input, eclipse!

[Parrhesia]

... You handle critique well.

YOU ARE A GOOD, WORTHY MAN. I WILL BE MERCIFUL WHEN YOUR TIME COMES.

(The fact that, unlike most things I critique, this doesn't suck and fail horribly helps quite a bit as well)

[eclipse]

Okay. I don't mind that Ian's the son of someone important, but if he's gonna be part of a squad, then he should be briefed like the rest of them. The rest can most likely be fixed with wording and whatnot.

[Cain Magnus]

... You handle critique well.

YOU ARE A GOOD, WORTHY MAN. I WILL BE MERCIFUL WHEN YOUR TIME COMES.

(The fact that, unlike most things I critique, this doesn't suck and fail horribly helps quite a bit as well)

Heh, thanks!

Okay. I don't mind that Ian's the son of someone important, but if he's gonna be part of a squad, then he should be briefed like the rest of them. The rest can most likely be fixed with wording and whatnot.

All right. I do intend to re-write the Prologue after it was critiqued (Whenever I gain writing time), so I won't disappoint you.

[eclipse]

. . .and here's the tense errors I caught on a quick re-skim (where present should be past):

The burning sun shines brightly in the clouds.

Now that he made his escape, Ian took a very deep breath as he leaned on one of the walls. After opening his eyes, he had seen that he's in front of the door that has "Briefing Room" above it. This was the place.

When he stepped in the door, he sees a very large table and a blonde-haired man sitting at the very end of the table. The room itself was nothing special. Only the essential equipment to hold their meetings, formulating battle strategies, etc.

The second snippet will take a bit more thought than the rest.

And a grammar nitpick:

The girl rose an eyebrow

When talking about, say, the sun, it's rose. When talking about something like eyebrows, it's raised. Hooray weird English rules.

[Cain Magnus]

When talking about, say, the sun, it's rose. When talking about something like eyebrows, it's raised. Hooray weird English rules.

I've always mixed up raised and rose so many times. Thanks.

Edited February 25, 2012 by Magnus Blade

[Cain Magnus]

I have done an edit in the story thread. It is rewritten for the most part. A lot was kept in, but a significant amount was changed, so it needs a re-read.