Feedback for Kithe's writings.

[KitheOfEvrark]

Well, all I have written now is one story so critique away. Here's the link: Kithe's writings

[eclipse]

1. Auto-spell checking is nice, but there's still a few spelling errors in your story.

2. Jennifer seems unnecessary; Frey seems nonexistent; mostly everyone that's not Carl could use a bit more development.

3. Most of the story events are interesting, and then the ending doesn't do the rest of the story justice.

[KitheOfEvrark]

Thanks for the comments.

1. Auto-spell checking is nice, but there's still a few spelling errors in your story.

Thanks, didn't see those at first.

2. Jennifer seems unnecessary; Frey seems nonexistent; mostly everyone that's not Carl could use a bit more development.

Yeah, character development is something I definitely need to work on. On Frey, I guess I could give him a larger appearance. Would it be better to just take Jennifer out entirely?

3. Most of the story events are interesting, and then the ending doesn't do the rest of the story justice.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Could you elaborate?

Originally this was an English class assignment for working on descriptive imagery. In your opinion was the description overdone? Underdone? Not worth talking about?

[eclipse]

Yeah, character development is something I definitely need to work on. On Frey, I guess I could give him a larger appearance. Would it be better to just take Jennifer out entirely?

Jennifer's purpose seems to be "that chick that's there because I needed more chicks". If she can add more to the dynamic of the story, then yes, keep her in there. The impression I get from Frey is "Anne's brother". If he has a personality, I don't really see it.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Could you elaborate?

The events leading to the end are fine (freak snowstorm, power outages due to the storm, etc.). The exploding truck is a little bizarre, because making cars go boom isn't the easiest thing (and the truck in question was transporting shoes, not gas). . .but I'll buy it. Then the story did a M. Night Shyamalan, and left me confused.

Originally this was an English class assignment for working on descriptive imagery. In your opinion was the description overdone? Underdone? Not worth talking about?

I'll do this one in parts.

The motels - The first one got the short end of the stick, but I can understand why that happened.

Tyrone - I get the feeling he's got black, slicked-back hair, as well. I'm fine with this.

Interior of the motel and the other guests in the lobby - You got this one down nicely.

After Carl wakes up - Why do the ladies want to go to the pool in the middle of a snowstorm?

Explosion - I was, um, fortunate enough to hear a thunderclap up close and personal the other day. I'd imagine an exploding truck would do far worse to the patrons/motel than that thunderclap did to my ears (and the nearby car alarms).

Dead phones - Nice.

The events afterwards - Why is Carl yelling at Tyrone, when he was trying to restrain him earlier?

The end - I think I put my thoughts about it earlier.

Overall - From a descriptive standpoint, you did a pretty good job. About the only place in the story where things weren't as descriptive as they should've been would be where that truck exploded.

[KitheOfEvrark]

Thanks again for all the critique.

With regard to the ending, I totally understand your problems with it. The main reason I ended it like that was because when I first wrote it as an English paper and got to that point, it was midnight with the assignment due the next day. Obviously that isn't a good excuse for it. If I decide to rewrite/extend this, the ending will be completely changed and, hopefully, improved.

The motels - The first one got the short end of the stick, but I can understand why that happened.

Tyrone - I get the feeling he's got black, slicked-back hair, as well. I'm fine with this.

Interior of the motel and the other guests in the lobby - You got this one down nicely.

Dead phones - Nice.

I'm glad I was able to do some of this well at least.

After Carl wakes up - Why do the ladies want to go to the pool in the middle of a snowstorm?

That...is a really good point. I guess I didn't think that through.

Explosion - I was, um, fortunate enough to hear a thunderclap up close and personal the other day. I'd imagine an exploding truck would do far worse to the patrons/motel than that thunderclap did to my ears (and the nearby car alarms).

Duly noted.

The events afterwards - Why is Carl yelling at Tyrone, when he was trying to restrain him earlier?

I guess I just messed up on that part. My intention wasn't to have Carl yelling at Tyrone; I was trying to have Carl keeping everyone in perspective and Tyrone yelling. Looking back through it I can see that the way I wrote it gave a completely different impression than was intended.