Into Oblivion Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 (edited) If you like, please leave feedback for my story here. Or, like I said, I'll take a review on FanFiction. I'm fine with constructive criticism, but if you've got nothing but flames to give me, then please don't give me anything. Edited March 8, 2012 by TheFreelancerSeal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 In the words of Trip Machine. . .LET'S START! It is she, the fair Lucia, whom I watch from where she cannot see. No man dares disturb her in the midst of such an intricate dance. I had known to find her in this hall of combat, and I need not the aid of my arts to obtain such knowledge. For if Lucia be not at the side of her queen, then surely she will be here, as certain as the rise and fall of the daily sun. Creepy/10. I don't know where the idea of stalking the one you love is seen as romantic. It's not, and if Lucia were to accidentally impale him at this point, I wouldn't blame her in the least. Unfortunately. . .that's the entire premise for the fic. Sorry. While flowery language certainly suits Bastian, an entire fic's worth of it makes it really hard to read, even if I did understand what you were trying to get across (I think). I gave myself a headache while trying to decipher what he said in his thoughts. This fic might benefit more if it was described in third-person, with Bastian interjecting his thoughts in his usual language. Alternately, he can describe his thoughts more plainly. The choice is yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Into Oblivion Posted March 8, 2012 Author Share Posted March 8, 2012 Creepy/10. I don't know where the idea of stalking the one you love is seen as romantic. It's not, and if Lucia were to accidentally impale him at this point, I wouldn't blame her in the least. Unfortunately. . .that's the entire premise for the fic. Sorry. I never quite looked at it that way, but I guess that does seem a bit like a stalker. While flowery language certainly suits Bastian, an entire fic's worth of it makes it really hard to read, even if I did understand what you were trying to get across (I think). I gave myself a headache while trying to decipher what he said in his thoughts. This fic might benefit more if it was described in third-person, with Bastian interjecting his thoughts in his usual language. Alternately, he can describe his thoughts more plainly. The choice is yours. Believe me, I understand. I wrote the thing and I got a headache from it. I figured it would be a real catch-22 about his language. If I did make it flowery, I knew it would be tougher to read, but at the same time, I figured most people would call me out on it since that's the way Bastian talks. I also wanted to try my hand at first-person for the challenge of it, but that's a good suggestion. Thank you for your honest opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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