Jump to content

Feedback for Silhouettes


Into Oblivion
 Share

Recommended Posts

If you like, please leave feedback for my story here. Or, like I said, I'll take a review on FanFiction.

I'm fine with constructive criticism, but if you've got nothing but flames to give me, then please don't give me anything. :):

Edited by TheFreelancerSeal
Link to comment
Share on other sites

In the words of Trip Machine. . .LET'S START!

It is she, the fair Lucia, whom I watch from where she cannot see. No man dares disturb her in the midst of such an intricate dance. I had known to find her in this hall of combat, and I need not the aid of my arts to obtain such knowledge. For if Lucia be not at the side of her queen, then surely she will be here, as certain as the rise and fall of the daily sun.

Creepy/10. I don't know where the idea of stalking the one you love is seen as romantic. It's not, and if Lucia were to accidentally impale him at this point, I wouldn't blame her in the least. Unfortunately. . .that's the entire premise for the fic. Sorry.

While flowery language certainly suits Bastian, an entire fic's worth of it makes it really hard to read, even if I did understand what you were trying to get across (I think). I gave myself a headache while trying to decipher what he said in his thoughts. This fic might benefit more if it was described in third-person, with Bastian interjecting his thoughts in his usual language. Alternately, he can describe his thoughts more plainly. The choice is yours.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Creepy/10. I don't know where the idea of stalking the one you love is seen as romantic. It's not, and if Lucia were to accidentally impale him at this point, I wouldn't blame her in the least. Unfortunately. . .that's the entire premise for the fic. Sorry.

I never quite looked at it that way, but I guess that does seem a bit like a stalker.

While flowery language certainly suits Bastian, an entire fic's worth of it makes it really hard to read, even if I did understand what you were trying to get across (I think). I gave myself a headache while trying to decipher what he said in his thoughts. This fic might benefit more if it was described in third-person, with Bastian interjecting his thoughts in his usual language. Alternately, he can describe his thoughts more plainly. The choice is yours.

Believe me, I understand. I wrote the thing and I got a headache from it. I figured it would be a real catch-22 about his language. If I did make it flowery, I knew it would be tougher to read, but at the same time, I figured most people would call me out on it since that's the way Bastian talks.

I also wanted to try my hand at first-person for the challenge of it, but that's a good suggestion.

Thank you for your honest opinion. :):

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...