General Banzai Posted May 14, 2016 Author Share Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) Meanwhile, in a nefarious evil lair. I may have had a Warp staff once, but surely the Jew sold it. Blast! Perhaps it was a different Saphy. It is an incredibly common name. Anyway, we have something more important to discuss, Count Dorias. We cannot allow this Linoan whore to continue managing the army. Agreed. Her social justice warrior approach to tactics affronts all the don wrote. Worse yet, she may even win! A corrupt priestess who flaunts Naga's law is worse in my eyes than the vilest Jew. (Sweet, no longer the worst.) To allow her victory, even over the forces of Loptyr, shall not be condoned. I know, we'll put her on trial! I can be the judge. You're not good at that. I am a most excellent judge, I'll have you know. My judgments are as efficient as my tactics. Your sentences, however, carry little weight. Nonsense, I utter "I hereby sentence (name) to death" with all due gravitas. It takes more than vocal enunciation for your jurisdiction to be respected. We must enact more subtle measures if we seek to succeed. I suggest poison. Somebody mention poison? Reasonable rates. Why are you here, Jew. "Conspiring means someone's buying," as is my motto. Also "Interest 40 percent or don't loan a cent" and "Coin in coffer rings, soul from purgation springs." Oh hey, I love indulgences! Me too! An awkward moment passes while Saphy and Shiva realize they have something in common. ...Bleck. Anyway, my good(?) Semitic fellow, you mentioned items of a venomous persuasion for sale? Yeah. Come check out my wares. Shiva, Dorias, and Saphy exit. Why is my army so psycho. Wait, Finn. While I have you alone, I have a request. Ugh, what is it. Impregnate me. I'm not really—what. You heard Daddy. If I get pregnant, he'll spare my life. It's n-not like I like you or anything... Look, Selphina, I love nothing more than impregnating chicks. But you're my best bro's wife. How can you even think about cheating on him? Last time we met he tried to murder me. Well, that's inconsequential. I'll take no part in adultery. (My heart belongs to Raquesis anyway.) At least you seem to remember her name now. Plus, I'm not fathering a kid for Dorias to murder, that's shitty too. Sigh... Now go away so I can draw lines on my wrist with red marker. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 14, 2016 Author Share Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) Elsewhere, the battle begins. ... Die, or whatever. Dean attacks Moore. (Generic guy with the ellipses is Moore, btw.) Moore dies. Well, that was easy enough. Eda and I cleaned up the other mages. I even let Eda deal the killing blows. But I am one hundred percent sure that won't improve her "experience" or whatever. Murder numbs me to the sight of blood and unbridles my killer instinct! Eda, your instinct has been killer since birth. You were gonna execute random villager kids just because some judge said so. Didn't you used to, like, torture squirrels or something, ha ha? They angered me. Well, guess we should move on and like, kill those pegasus knights or whatever. Yes, enemies I can kill without babying! Eda shishkabobs an adorable pegasus girl. Eda levels up! +HP +Speed. UNLIMITED POWER. Hm yeah, so these are my former soldiers. I'm gonna sit this one out. I think I will too, not because I have moral qualms or whatever, but because I'm lazy. I wonder what's in this random church those mages were guarding? Probably like, a shitty ghost. Misha— Ahem. Come on it's stupid. It's a dumb joke, what do you even have in common with Farina. Look, I don't care about Farina, but Misha is a boy name. I JUST DON'T WANT ANYONE GETTING CONFUSED, OKAY? Ha ha, like who the fuck are you talking to. The voice in my head that torments me. Okay fine. The green-haired FEMALE pegasus knight who is also not that old visits the church. Thank you. Now what's in here? ... Oh. Zombies. Meanwhile, Ground Team proceeds with similar ease. Man, if they really meant to trap us, they kinda made a shitty trap. Considering Nickelback's troops can't reach us, because there's a river. Yeah that seems to be an oversight on their part. Oh well, "Capitalizing on an enemy's failure is a valuable skill too." Did Don Tzu say that? No, I did, right now. I'm writing my own book: Linoan's Casual Funtime Tactics for Dummies ^__^. Once I come to power, I'll burn all of that dondon151 guy's lame book. History will remember only me as the premiere strategist of the era! Sounds a tad Hitleresque. What would you know. Selphina, how are you holding up? Gasp, pant, wheeze... These enemies are tough work... Selphina, they're unpromoted soldiers. They have JAVELINS. Well, "No pain no gain," as I said just now. At least you leveled up a few times, right? +Skill +Luck. Oh. I gained movement! That's nice, but you're still worthless, and should go away and not talk anymore. I looked it up on Kempf Forest, it only has a 3 percent chance to happen. ... (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 14, 2016 Author Share Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) Time stops. Everything fades to gray. We'll pause right now to discuss the important dilemma Linoan now faces. It's a common occurrence: THE LOWEN FALLACY. But Anna, what's the Lowen Fallacy? I'm glad you paused your rousing Pokemon adventure to ask, Oh, well. Actually Pokemon has no pause, you can step away any time. And please don't call me Oh, well. The Lowen Fallacy is simple. Imagine you're a normal person playing Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword. You mean Blazing Kempf? Don't question me, peon. Anyway, you load into Hector Hard Mode and are playing normally, when the unthinkable happens. Lowen chips a Brigand and gains enough experience to level up. +HP. +Strength. +Speed. +Defense. You hesitate. You know Lowen is hot garbage. You know he has 30 percent growths in every relevant stat. You know Sain, Kent, Marcus, and even Isa-fucking-dora are better. But you think to yourself, "Well, maybe he'll get lucky this time." You think, "He's already off to a great start." You think, "He's better than Bartre at least." So you do the unthinkable. You decide to use Lowen. And then what happens? You train him. You feed him experience. Each kill you give only cements him more to your team. He levels up. +HP +Luck. "Well, everyone has bad levels." You promote him. You realize he has 13 strength and 13 speed. You look at Sain. Sain has 20 strength and 15 speed. Well, just because this Lowen guy isn't the best doesn't mean you can't— You wonder how you could be so ignorant. You wonder how you could have succumbed to THE LOWEN FALLACY. Your game is in shambles. You divert resources to Farina to compensate. It's too late. Wait, I thought Farina was in Thracia? Lowen exists, mocking you. His useless turd body shambles across the map 8 squares a turn. He attacks a wyvern rider. He does 10 damage x2, and only because the enemy has a Steel Lance. Nino joins with higher offensive capabilities. You beat the game, because the game is easy. But when the credits roll and Lowen appears: 200 BATTLES. 37 WINS. Your soul has already failed. I'm going back to Pokemon. Let this be a cautionary tale. Now, what does Linoan decide? Time returns to normal. Alright, fine, maybe you'll be useful after all. Better than Selphina at least. You're on the team. Or whatever. Can I be on the team too? No. At least now I can focus on more important things. Eyrios, wanna impregnate me? Uh, no. Didn't we go over this in excruciating detail last time? Green. Hair. Pegasus. Knight. Only. Of course the only time in recorded history of men showing sexual restraint is right now. Why would I expect anything different? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 14, 2016 Author Share Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) Aerial Team, reporting in. We defeated the enemies. Good, and Mueller hasn't even arrived yet. We advance and take the fight to Nikolov. Wait, at the castle ahead! An enemy spawned. It appears to be... Turbo Hitler?! Oh god. At the castle. Ah, Turbo Hitler, how kind of you to join us. It's Saias. Back to Linoan. What's he doing? He's just kinda standing there? What the heck, his mere presence is buffing the enemy units immensely. Well, he is a master tactician, after all. Tacticians don't do that! They arrange troops in smart patterns and stuff. Nobody ever got a morale boost from a fucking tactician. Nonsense, commandant. You give me a morale boost every time you chain me down and ram a— MOVING ON, our strategy remains unchanged. We approach along the forested northern corridor. Nikolov's armor knights will struggle to attack us in the narrow wooded terrain. Lower the bridge! What bridge. That bridge didn't exist a second ago. Probably because they lowered it? Lowered it from WHERE? Perhaps this is the true face of tactics: spawning bridges out of thin air. No, what, that doesn't make sense, this is the dumbest thing, AUGH. We gonna need to tranquilify your mind again, Linoan? No, dammit! We can still do this. Dean, take out the enemy army. By myself? I've seen your stats, do it! Fine, fine— Dean falls asleep. Zzz... VERY FUNNY DEAN. TOP TIER HAAR ACT, YOU REALLY FOOLED ME. EXCEPT NOT BECAUSE YOUR EYES AREN'T EVEN CLOSED! It looks like he's actually asleep. It's that Hitler tactician—he used a Sleep staff! Oh my Naga. This can't be happening. It can't it can't it can't. Don't worry, I'll take on the armor knights with my unlimited magic! How about instead you take on my womb with your unlimited semen? (Oh god Selphina, why did you say that. That was not a good pickup line.) Uh, I'm flattered, really, but I think you got your sexes confused. Don't worry babe, I'll swell your stomach if you know what I mean. No, that won't work, you don't have a—Gaah, nevermind. Will you all SHUT UP? Eyrios, you have mediocre defenses. Time to try your luck. I knew it, I knew you were gonna sacrifice me, I called it. Everyone heard me call it right? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 14, 2016 Author Share Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) Hey wait. Before you suicide or whatever. I took the time to visit all the houses and found some swag loot. Warp Staff, Rescue Staff, Holy Water, and Magic Ring acquired. Wait. Warp Staff? Dorias! Dorias, where the hell are you? What did you say the name of that book was? Sorry, milady, I was busy conspiring your assassination. Anyway, perchance you mean Stephen Crane's seminal classic The Red Badge of Courage? Now there's a book that teaches the value of charging into battle— No, the other one, the one by that dondon151 guy. Oh! You mean The Art of Warp. Yes, I have that right here. Give it to me. Linoan begins reading. "First we'll teach you the dondon special: rescue chains." No, not this... "Rename the Wing Spear to GlueFactory, it's important for strategy." No, no... Here it is: "Use Warp to skip the whole chapter lol." Of course! Hand me the Warp Staff, Mi—Farina. Nope. You'll be handing that staff to me. Debts and whatnot. Not so fast, loan shark. Finn is the one in debt—I don't owe you a cent. You're managing the army on Finn's behalf. All profits you accrue belong to me. Well, Farina is a contracted mercenary, and she found the staff, so it belongs to her. Contracted? You mean abducted. Fine. But the moment she hands the staff to you, it's army property. Which means it's my property. Well joke's on you, I can't even USE that staff! My weapon rank is too low. Neener neener—Wait, shit, can anyone use that staff? Pretty sure Saphy never healed anyone ever, so I doubt she can. And nobody else uses staves on our team, so... Fuck. Wait, so I also found this random zombie. ... Who happens to have A rank staves for no reason? AHA. The forces of fate conspire in my favor. And who said religion was bunk? Quick, give her the staff and warp Eyrios to the boss. ... Wait, why me— Elf warps Eyrios directly in front of Largo. What. Uh. So this is awkward. Aren't you one of our subcommanders? I defected. Oh. I mean uh, DIE TRAITOROUS SCUM Not before you BEHOLD THE MIGHT OF MY MAGIC Thoron critical. Augh...! (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 14, 2016 Author Share Posted May 14, 2016 (edited) Wait, quick question before you die: How do you spell your name? My... name...? Yeah come on, I got a running bet going, gimme the letters. L........ A....... .....R........ G....... ............O............... Largo dies. Wait, someone screwed up somewhere. Linoan warps to the empty throne. And seized. Suck my strap-on dick, Turbo Hitler. ^__^ Oh come on, what did I ever do to you. Besides put that one guy to sleep, but that's not even bad. Screw you, chalk everything up to another rousing win for Lady Linoan. Congratulations, Lady Linoan. Now quaff this unsuspicious drink in celebration. Uh, sure. Glug glug glug. Mua ha ha, you FOOL. Your death is sealed! Your blasphemies against Naga end here. Ow, my stomach. Linoan is poisoned. Linoan now loses 1 to 3 HP per turn. Oh that's not so bad. The chapter ends and all status ailments are cured. Oh that's even better. WHAT. Shoulda bought the Premium Poison Deluxe. Meanwhile. Alright, we arrived. Begin flanking maneuvers. The battle ended, General Miller. We lost. WHO SPAWNS A BOSS ON TURN 12? (End Chapter 17a) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) Chapter 17b Well, so much for fame and harem armies. Guess it's back to safety and obscurity for me... Aw hell nah, cut out the gloom mood Ain't going nowhere wit dat attitude But everyone knows I'm not Prince Shanan of Isaac now. What else can I do? Sheeit nigga who give a shit Failure no reason to quit grabbing tits Try try again as my mamma said Listen to me and we'll get all the head If Shanan don't work Sham-man try another World so lousy with heroes you can be anyone's brother Or mother or cousin or significant other Look, I can't pretend to be anyone, it doesn't work like that. People only believed I was Shanan because I look exactly like him. Come on Shamwow get with the program Look like someone or not ain't nobody give a damn Ugh, please stop the raps. Fine fine. Look, let's pick a new person to pretend to be ya know I mean? We can go on Kempf Forest and check the Jugdral family tree for a good name. Lessee... Let's try not to pick nobody dead. Though it probably won't matter anyway ya know I mean? Uh, Homeros, are you sure this chart is... accurate? I guarantee dis shit too legit to quit Kempf Forest number one in FE tidbits Homeros approved, Kempf rendered exquisite Putting Kempf in your Kempf since dawn of Xzibit What does that even mean. Aw man I'm just feeling the beat, ya know I mean? No. I don't. Anyway I suggest you assume the identity of El Kempfo, mostly because his name is funniest. Wouldn't that get easily confused with... regular Kempfo? Who gonna confuse Kempfo and El Kempfo, you turkey head ass motherfucker. Dat the dumbest shit I ever did hear. Steer clear of lead paint ain't as safe as appear Huff dem fumes go full retard I fear Might be too late for you but— Okay, okay, fine! I'll pretend to be "El Kempfo." Despite not knowing who he is, or how important he is, or if he's even a cool dude. Sick shit ma nigga time to put you to the test Cuz sashaying this way I espy a swag pair of breasts (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) Uh. Hi? You aren't supposed to be here. This is occupied territory. (Now's your shot dawg) Oh, yeah. Ahem! You dare speak to the great EL KEMPFO like that, degenerate knave? I'll have you stripped bare before the city and flogged for your indignation. (Excellent start my man) Kempf? Kempf, is that you? No, I clearly stated I am EL KEMPFO— It is you! Come on Kempf, how long have I known you? You can't try to fool me by changing your name to El Kempfo. I mean come on. Kempf, El Kempfo... It's not hard to make the connection! Uh, um, uh... (What do I do, what do I do?) (Roll with it, this is our in!) Aha, yes, I am indeed Kempf. You were always an astute one... you. Phew, and I was so worried. Where have you been? The Freege court has been in an uproar since your desertion. Desertion. Yes! Everyone's talking about how you abandoned General Brook at the Norden Line. But don't worry, Kempf. I know you wouldn't have done such a thing without a good reason. Come with me. We'll plead your case before Lord Blume. Hm, well, I'd love that, but I should probably go, uh... anywhere else. (Oh god Homeros help me) (You fucked son) Look, lady, you may be mistaken. I'm not Kempf— I know you're afraid, but Lord Blume is a merciful ruler. Well, occasionally. When it's politically expedient to be merciful. I'll pledge my life on your honor! He'll have to listen to me then. Or maybe he'll just execute me too. E—execute? Either way, our deaths will be for a worthy cause of protest. Come! My retinue of armed knights will escort you to the Freege Council. A—armed knights?? Of course. They'll protect you from assassination. Ass—assassination??? You never know when that devious Reinhardt's agents will come for your head, Kempf. But I'll keep you safe and sound. No need to worry about a thing~ Oh god... Leonster's back gate. This entrance is even less defended than I expected. Fantastic. General Fergus, arrange the soldiers. We commence a full assault. Um, hello? Have you any interjections, Prince Leaf? Machua, lay down the Jacobean conventions for me. In Shakespearean tradition, the first to speak in a scene is always the one of highest rank. Thank you for enlightening me. I'll be sure to swiftly silence any knave who attempts to speak before me in the future. Missing the point here, toots. My advisors suggest you avoid referring to me as "toots." (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) Look here Miss Pretty Princess, this is my army and I'm in charge. You, my adorable lolita friend, shall remain an irrelevant footnote. Upon occasion, you may be called forward to deliver a witty remark at an appropriate time. Perhaps when I need a joke about schizophrenia, or whatever your deal is with your "advisors." Otherwise, you'll keep out of sight. Unfortunately, I am not known for my clever banter. I spent four years in captivity learning political and military strategy from my advisors, however. Thus, I am quite clearly the most capable candidate to lead this army. I would suggest a prince with so little decorum as to pierce his ear stand aside. Ooh, you did not insult the earring. Blade, lay down the realpolitik on this bitch. Princess Miranda, the Leonster Liberation Front remains loyal to its rightful leader, Prince Leaf. While I respect your royal blood, as knights of Leonster we have but one true marshall. In other words, back up or get yourself scuffed, priss. Let's be civil, Leafypoo~ No. I refuse to be walked over by a teenage girl without a soldier to her name. I regret to inform you, Prince Leaf, that you are mistaken. General Mareeta! Here, ma'am. Martha, what the hell are you doing. Princess Miranda has promised to make me Alster nobility, and also give me money. She remembers my name too, so there's that. Grr... So what? Fergus, Blake, prepare to teach these chicks a lesson. In which subject, milord? IN PAIN. Whoa, I'm not one to beat up cute girls, especially ones supposed to be on our team? Sounds pretty pointless, and also douchebaggy. Do you want me to hand your Grand General appointment to Dalshin, Fergus? (Say yes say yes say yes) Bah, whatever, I'll rough em up a bit. (Gosh darn it.) A squabble among allies is unwanted, but dissention must be quashed. I've kinda been wanting to kick all your asses for awhile now, actually. Well, if you insist, I can rearrange your face Picasso-style. Epic fight music (specifically, Fort Minor's "Remember the Name") starts playing. Slow motion shots of Fergus and Mareeta squaring up for battle. The bass hits HARD and they start running at each other, still in slow motion, but with like a speed-up effect on the first moment when they start running to really emphasize the coolness. This is 10 PERCENT luck, 20 PERCENT skill 15 PERCENT concentrated power of will (Pretty underwhelming growth rates, if you ask me.) Eventually, Fergus and Mareeta get close enough to swing their swords. The slow-motion slows down even more to really linger on this epic moment as their swords sail toward each other, lens flare and Gaussian blur all over the fucking place, the screen starts melting from all this blur, 100 PERCENT REASON TO REMEMBER THE NAME— Wait, everyone, wait, wait! Dammit August, we were about to have a cool fight scene. Tragedy, tragedy has befallen us. Tragedy! So we done fighting? Ugh, I guess. What the hell's the deal, August? (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) Lara has ritualistically disemboweled Sara! Lara? As in "omigod omigod" Lara? No, wait, ugh, damn it to hell, I mean Sara has disemboweled Lara! I'm confused. Who disemboweled who? SARA. DISEMBOWELED. LARA. Yes, you said that, but now I need someone to remind me which is which. Lara is the old teenage girl. Sara is the new teenage girl. I thought Mareeta was the new teenage girl. I've been around awhile. But thanks for remembering the name. Oh, so that's why I heard "Remember the Name" by Fort Minor. Thought it was just a random choice. I'm glad you noticed the thematic parallels, I spent a long time on song selection— No, wait, not Mareeta, the other teenage girl with the name that starts with M. Are you referring to me? I dunno, does your name start with an M? Um. Let me consult my advisors. Yes, they say yes. My name is Princess Miranda of Alster. Will nobody do ANYTHING about Lara? Calm down, I already healed her. Omigod omigod my insides look so CUTE! They were all spindly and goopy and warm omg See? I TOLD you it'd be fun. Let's do it again! No, no, no, this is not my fetish at all. ... ... (It's mine though) What the hell is going on, why is Loli #3 murdering Loli #1. Probably because she's a rampaging psychopath. During my captivity, she made regular sport of vivisecting my fellow prisoners. Had you consulted me and my advisors beforehand, you might have reconsidered recruiting her. Balderdash, your unfettered calumny showers falsehood upon Mademoiselle Sara's guiltless tête. Fuck, not this goon again. Shall more seditious poppycock occur, my esteemed personage must provide bulwark for milady's honor. Do I even KNOW you? Verily! I oft chanted exalted hymns in your munificent presence during church— Which church. Which... church? W-why do you inquire, Princess Miranda? Neither you nor her look like you attend any church I would condone in my kingdom. Although I suppose I cannot speak for Prince Leaf. Nope, not too keen on the ritual sacrifice church. That sounds like a Satan thing, are you a Satan kinda guy Salem? Satan, Salem, sounds pretty damn similar if you ask me. Um. Err... I think I left my thesaurus running whoops excuse me Salem egresses. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) Alright, not bad Miramax, teaming up to take down Satanism, that's a cause I can get behind. Maybe we can work together after all. Gimme a fist bump. Prince Leaf extends his fist for a bump. Princess Miranda just kinda stares at the fist very sternly. My advisors suggest I avoid physical contact with you, in case of disease. Well fuck you too. Now can we please stop Sara from eviscerating Lara? It's very hard to get off to. Nah, let them, they're having fun and Nanna can grind staff uses. Anyway, let's hurry up and get the battle over with, I'm getting bored already. The enemy army is unimpressive, but they have many ballistae in defensible locations. Our best strategy is to charge as fast as possible to avoid their long range attacks. In tactical speak, this is called "the Dorias special." Alright, awesome. We can use the more useless members of the army as meat shields. coughMirandacough Did you say something, Prince Leaf? No need, milord. The Leonster citizens have volunteered to be our meat shields. Wait really? We peoples of Leonster have waited ninety long years for your valiant return, Prince Leaf. In celebration of this historic moment, we will charge to certain and pointless demise. Yes, this is good, this is what was missing in my life. Mindless peons willing to sacrifice themselves for me at the drop of a hat. Leafypoo, this battle seems easy enough to win without slaughtering all your own people. Maybe we should have them, you know, not die? That way you'll actually have people to rule over when you take back the country. Nonsense, it's only this old man and some random urchins, nobody will miss them. The women, at least, will be unharmed and ready for my royal perusal. Our women were taken prisoner by various nobles from Manster and Freege. Our children were sacrificed to Loptyr. Our men were enslaved or conscripted. We few are all that remain. Oh what the hell, why did they take the women if there's a No-Sex law? When the No-Sex law was instituted, many Imperial nobles were set into a panic. They no longer knew how to be dastardly, one-dimensional villains without raping every female in sight. They lost their bad guy mojo; many reneged into mere moral ambiguity. In desperation, they tried to find new ways to be stereotypically villainous. They took women as prisoners and tested alternative, psychological punishments. How the hell do you know this? I was a prisoner in that forest for four years. My fellow prisoners were murdered in the most gruesome ways. I was spared death due to my political importance, but I received my fair share of tortures. Wow... that's awful, Miranda. If I had known, I would have come to find you sooner. You're okay, right? There aren't any long term emotional scars or personality disorders? My advisors tell me I'm perfectly fine, and that I should stop asking questions. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) Oh. Um. Well, if you ever need, like, someone to talk to— Wait, wait, wait. So I guess now the narrative time corresponds to the time it takes the shitty writer to write it? Milord, are you digressing into that weird metafictional zone again? I must warn you, metafiction is quite cliché. Irony is dead, didn't you hear? Down with postmodernism! Up with post-postmodernism! No, up with objectivism! Ayn Rand is the true savior of modern society! Oh now you did it. Prepare to die, Dalshin. Fort Minor's "Remember the Name" starts playing— No. No it doesn't. Aw. My point is, does this mean it's now Thracia 781? Cuz if that's the case, shouldn't this whole war be over by now anyway? Milord, you can rearrange the calendar to your liking after you've reclaimed the throne. True. Good on you, Treck, keeping me on the level. Let's hurry up and end this lame battle. And I guess we can make sure the villagers don't die. Hurray! Darn... Prince Leaf and Princess Miranda's joint army charges. The ballista are annoying but not particularly relevant. Alright, that was even easier than I expected. Holy shit, look at this boss. When I'm through with you... you'll need to hire a pallbearer. Is that supposed to be a joke? I'm glad you noticed! It is indeed a joke, or rather a clever play on words. For I am Palman, thus the fact that you would need a pallbearer— Christ that is the shittiest joke. What? You didn't like my joke? But I've been practicing it my whole life. Perfecting the timing, the delivery... Not even a chuckle? A single brief groan of agony, swiftly replaced by the silence of apathy. Pah. Were I of weaker stock, such an insult might drive me to suicide. But there shall be no Enya today. Let us battle, fiend! Ha ha, but you didn't even get to the actual funniest part. You're standing on a gate... but you only have 1 range! ... Fuck. Holy shit that is actually funny. Look everyone, look at the fucking doofus who parked himself on a gate with no ranged weapon! Point and laugh, holy shit what a goddam moron. Everyone points and laughs at shitty Palman. Come on guys... that's not nice... stop it... Alright, alright, that's enough. Let's fucking murder him already. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) I'll handle this. Miranda attacks Palman and does like 8 damage, I don't care for a Fun with Base Stats because it's not fun at all. Well that was underwhelming. Grand General Fergus, finish him off. Actually I will continue to attack. Palman heals due to throne bonuses. Miranda attacks for another 8 or whatever damage. No what are you doing, he heals everything you do. My advisors inform me that by attacking a defenseless unit over and over, I can hone my skills. Your army lacks strong magic users, does it not? Magic shmagic Fergus can do it all. Come on this is taking too long. I dunno, if the princess is fine with it, I think I'll take a nap or whatever. Enjoy the sunshine. Flirt with Mareeta. Back off buddy. Palman heals. Miranda attacks. Miranda levels up! +HP +Mag +Skl +Spd. Come on... this is embarrassing... This is boring is what it is. Gabe, get in there and murder the boss. Yes, milord. Garp chucks a javelin at Palman. Dink! No damage. Accursed throne bonuses. Oh my fucking god. 97 turns later. PLEASE END MY TORMENT. Much obliged. Miranda attacks Palman. DOUBLE ATTACK. CRITICAL. PALMAN IS FUCKING DEAD. Holy fuck, finally. I'm now ready to promote. A Knight Proof, please. What? Knight proof? Why would this army be knight proof, we have knights like Gayle. Although a knight proof might be good for Hicks... I believe she means the item to promote, milord. Promote? Huh? Whatever, we don't have any of those. Actually, milord, we have five in our inventory. When the hell did this happen? We received one in Manster as a gift for saving a child, and another from a villager outside Meese. Two we found in Peter Pahn's Palace, and the fifth was given to us near Tahra. I don't remember any of this happening. Yes, well, you don't even remember our names, so that's no surprise. Well shit, gimme one, I wanna promote. Young princes can only promote at a moment of great personal development. In German they call it "bildungsroman." More like bullshitroman! I wanna promote. Milord, you're also base level. Perhaps if you had lent yourself to combat every so often... Fuck you. If I can't promote, then Fergus does. Fine by me. Fergus promotes. +2 Str +1 Mag +3 Skl +3 Spd +2 Def +1 Con +1 Move. Aw yes. Fuck that's so cool. Okay, from now on, our battle strategy is feed me experience so I can promote. (Continued) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Banzai Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) Can you even... damage any enemies, milord? Doubtful. General Mareeta and I shall also promote now. Mareeta promotes. +2 Str +1 Mag +3 Skl +3 Spd +2 Def +1 Move. Miranda promotes. +3 Str +2 Mag +3 Skl +1 Spd +3 Def +1 Con +2 Move. Also she gets a horse, and swords, and damn it's boring transcribing these promotion bonuses. Then why are you even DOING it, you big dumb? Big dumb what. Big dumb DUMB. If it's boring then stop it. It's important for CLERICAL ACCURACY. What even IS that, that sounds like something you made up right now. Look I just want everyone to know those units are promoted, and thus good. That way, when I say bullshit like "Fergus solos the entire map," people don't get suspicious. Does anyone even CARE? I'm pretty sure NOBODY reads this dumb story, probably because it's DUMB. Aren't you busy dismembering Lara or something? We're taking an ice cream break, the nice bald priest guy is buying. You realize he's a pedophile, right? Well he's the NICEST pedophile I'VE ever met. Just be careful about what he gives you to ingest. I'll ingest what I WANT to ingest, NYAH NYAH! Sometimes I wonder whether I'm the voice inside your head, or you're the voice inside mine. Okay, so we have two more of these Knight Puffs or whatever. As gratitude for not letting us die, here's a Knight Proof! Okay, so we have three. We're saving one for me, but that means I got two more to dole out. Milord, I have trained diligently for this moment. I swear, if you bestow upon me this sacred honor— Dalshin, here you go. In true objectivist tradition, my merit has given me my deserved awards. Dalshin promotes. +3 Str +1 Mag +5 Skl +2 Spd +4 Def +1 Con +1 Move. Also he gets swords, lances, AND bows. I am Dalshin of Yuvel, grandmaster at arms! Really, milord. Really. Don't worry, you get the other one. I have literally nobody else to— Leafypoo, great news! I healed Lara so much I maxed out my level and I'm ready to promote~ (From Sexpot to Sex Goddess, of course.) Yowza. Nanna promotes. +1 Str +3 Mag +1 Skl +3 Spd +1 Def +1 Con +1 Move. Her Sword weapon rank goes to B and her Sex weapon rank maxes out at XXX. Ka-ching. Guess it's back to angsty spoken word poetry for me... (End Chapter 17b) Edited January 18, 2017 by General Banzai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Tullus Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 (edited) Someone delete this post, please. Edited June 29, 2016 by Lord Tullus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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