Sunwoo Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Here's the link to the story thread. You can give me feedback either here or there, I don't care. Tear my writing to shreds, I'll take whatever help I can. http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=33159 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deranger Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 unorganized critique Prologue the L in "lady" (Lyn) should be capitalized as it is a title preceding a name '"Oh, Lyn …" Mark sighed.' sounds weird to me Why is Mark agreeing to be a god parent, if he'll be gone for what could be forever? Hector "doing his best" sounds a bit childish. Perhaps something more tangible, like rule benevolently, or be a strong leader, or something. Specifics are good (though they're still enforcing monarchies, so you might not be able to go that route) Chapter 1 I like the integration of Lyn's mixed heritage as a concern. Find synonyms for lover. Rath is eloquent when he chooses to speak. Overall, and interesting read. The above are the only quips I have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) I'll ramble, chapter by chapter, and edit as I go. Prologue: The most emotional connection I'm feeling are to Eliwood and Hector, and they're not even present. It kinda feels like Rath is the third wheel, not Mark. Mark feels really wishy-washy the entire time he's there. Chapters 1-3 (?): The entire bit about Kent, Sain, and Fiora in the halls felt like extra tacked on; she could've very well picked up Kent's diary, and not much would've changed. I like seeing what you did with the characters after the events of FE7. I like Rath's character development far more than Lyn's; I'm not sure why, but I'm not really feeling Lyn as a character at this point. Edited June 27, 2012 by eclipse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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