Bonds of the Beloved: Feedback

[NJ7009]

Okay, gotcha.

Quoting you because dead thread :P Okay, so I read the first chapter and I'm just going to give you my impressions, in a similar style to the other thread. I will return to DoD at some point but life is busy at the moment. Hopefully, this will do.

Okay, so I will start off by saying this fic reads much better than DoD right from the get-go. I don't know if that's because this is a solo piece or you have just improved (or both) but the scenes flow better and seem less robotic. Your dialogue is decently well-executed too. The pacing is a ton better (which was a major complaint I had - well done) For a child OC, Nick is also pretty alright. Seems to fit in with the FE child archetype.

You mentioned that detail isn't your thing and it shows. However, I think that is to your benefit in some sections. However, I mostly write these to offer critique so that will be my main focus here. However, know going ahead that I liked this much more than DoD (or of what I've read of DoD) so good job on your improvements.

Bad

-- Your chapter openings are not the best. This is an issue in DoD too. You have a tendency to tell the reader what is going on through exposition dumps at the start of chapters which are not all that engaging or interesting. If you rework these sections to make the exposition more subtle, it would read much better. You don't even have to change the content too much, necessarily. For your reference, I edited the first lines of chapter 1.

The door slammed behind them as the boy and his father ventured into the snow. The winter season had arrived early it seemed, bringing with it crisp mornings, frozen fingers and sparkling snow which masked all in a white blanket. The boy wiped the tears from his emerald eyes, the wind proceeding to whip at his unruly hair. Even with their thick clothes, the cold still left the boy feeling numb. However, the boy was not deterred. Instead, he turned to his father and asked, "Can I wear a headband like you too, dad?"

Practically every detail you mentioned in your opening is here. However, it is more subtle. Details and this sort of thing is usually your co-author's domain, I believe, but it would help a lot if you could try and learn tricks like this.

-- Lack of expression

You don't really mention facial expression much and if you do it's for brief moments. One section which stands out to me is this one:

"Well, that's good, but let's start with the swords."

"Aww, but Dad, you're the Green Lance! I wanna be great like you."

If you show how Nick reacts to this in something other than dialogue, it would be easier to visualise.

"Well, that's good, but let's start with the swords," the man said, gesturing to his bag.

Nick couldn't help but pout. "Aww, but Dad, you're the Green Lance! I wanna be great like you."

-- Kent

You mentioned earlier in the thread that you feel Kent would be easier to handle away from war but... I think this is a little too OOC for him. The slang is especially jarring. I can't even picture Kent saying 'whatever' and 'hayy' considering he is supposed to be a prim-and-proper knight of the realm. You could write him as less stiff, that's fine, but he seems a little too relaxed from his letter.

Honestly, the slang may fit with later Fire Emblem's but it doesn't really work in FE7's setting.

And those are pretty much my only major notes. This chapter shows a lot of improvement, Ana :)

Have you considered getting a beta-reader who isn't involved in your fic's writing process? I think a beta-reader would be of massive help to you and your co-author in the long-run. This fic shows you have improved but a beta-reader may help you to improve in a much faster timescale. You could even think of them like an editor in a publishing cooperation. A co-author would certainly help with the grammar issues, anyway.

[Anacybele]

Well, I actually spoke with Falchion1984, and he says he's open to any and all critique on doing better with the DoD issues or whatnot. In fact, he's also leaving author's notes saying this in the next couple of chapters in the short story we're currently working on, Conflict of the Heart (which focuses on Jerec, an OC Falchion originally created, but I added depth and backstory to. He doesn't appear in DoD, but he's shown up in a couple side stories so far and I've grown to love him, so I just had to give him his own story. :P).

And I see how detail not being my strong suit can work sometimes, but other times I feel like there's probably too much dialogue and not enough of everything else.

Kent is probably a bit OoC, yeah. I tried to make him seem a bit more laid back because he's no longer in the middle of a big war and such, but I guess I went too far with that. xP

Glad you like Nick! I don't have a lot of experience writing children characters. Hopefully his sis, Emily, is just as good, if not better. :)

And yeah, return to this or DoD whenever you feel like, there's no need to rush. Life beckons at times, after all!

[NJ7009]

Well, I actually spoke with Falchion1984, and he says he's open to any and all critique on doing better with the DoD issues or whatnot. In fact, he's also leaving author's notes saying this in the next couple of chapters in the short story we're currently working on, Conflict of the Heart (which focuses on Jerec, an OC Falchion originally created, but I added depth and backstory to. He doesn't appear in DoD, but he's shown up in a couple side stories so far and I've grown to love him, so I just had to give him his own story. :P).

And I see how detail not being my strong suit can work sometimes, but other times I feel like there's probably too much dialogue and not enough of everything else.

Kent is probably a bit OoC, yeah. I tried to make him seem a bit more laid back because he's no longer in the middle of a big war and such, but I guess I went too far with that. xP

Glad you like Nick! I don't have a lot of experience writing children characters. Hopefully his sis, Emily, is just as good, if not better. :)

And yeah, return to this or DoD whenever you feel like, there's no need to rush. Life beckons at times, after all!

I don't know if this is something you will be interested in but I could Beta your new short story for you. I could correct your more blatant grammar errors and reword awkward phrasing so you can see exactly where the issues are coming from. I won't rewrite the entire thing though; more just correct errors in what is already written.

Yeah... Kent and laid-back don't seem to really go in people's minds. Maybe have him be a bit less uptight while keeping his general seriousness intact? Like have him be less agitated whenever Sain does... well... anything.

[Anacybele]

I don't know if this is something you will be interested in but I could Beta your new short story for you. I could correct your more blatant grammar errors and reword awkward phrasing so you can see exactly where the issues are coming from. I won't rewrite the entire thing though; more just correct errors in what is already written.

Yeah... Kent and laid-back don't seem to really go in people's minds. Maybe have him be a bit less uptight while keeping his general seriousness intact? Like have him be less agitated whenever Sain does... well... anything.

Thanks for the offer, but I already have a beta reader, remember? A co-author doesn't just help me write, he also serves as a beta reader too. But your insight is still helpful, so I would appreciate you continuing to critique my work.

And...new story? I haven't posted a new story in awhile. I assume you mean Conflict of the Heart? It's actually been around for the last year or so, I just took awhile to add parts 3 and 4.

I don't see why Kent needs to be as serious as he was in the middle of a war. These are more peaceful times. And I still tried to have him get more serious again when the whole bandit thing started happening. xP

Edited November 7, 2016 by Anacybele

[NJ7009]

Thanks for the offer, but I already have a beta reader, remember? A co-author doesn't just help me write, he also serves as a beta reader too. But your insight is still helpful, so I would appreciate you continuing to critique my work.

And...new story? I haven't posted a new story in awhile. I assume you mean Conflict of the Heart? It's actually been around for the last year or so, I just took awhile to add parts 3 and 4.

I don't see why Kent needs to be as serious as he was in the middle of a war. These are more peaceful times. And I still tried to have him get more serious again when the whole bandit thing started happening. xP

Okay, then I will continue as I am now :) And yes, I did mean that. I actually saw that you updated one of your stories on the 5th, I think, when I was snooping around the Tellius archive. I take it CotH is contained in that compilation?

I'm not saying he needs to be as serious as he was in the war but that is very much the core of his personality. Think of it this way. Kent is meant to be the parallel of Sain. In the same vein that Sain has moments where he is serious, Kent can have moments where he is carefree. However, that doesn't change that Kent is, as a person, very serious and responsible even outside of the war environment.

If I were to write Kent, I would have him keep his seriousness in general conversation but have him crack the occasional dry humoured joke or something like that.

Edited November 8, 2016 by NJ7009

[Anacybele]

Okay, then I will continue as I am now :) And yes, I did mean that. I actually saw that you updated one of your stories on the 5th, I think, when I was snooping around the Tellius archive. I take it CotH is contained in that compilation?

I'm not saying he needs to be as serious as he was in the war but that is very much the core of his personality. Think of it this way. Kent is meant to be the parallel of Sain. In the same vein that Sain has moments where he is serious, Kent can have moments where he is carefree. However, that doesn't change that Kent is, as a person, very serious and responsible even outside of the war environment.

If I were to write Kent, I would have him keep his seriousness in general conversation but have him crack the occasional dry humoured joke or something like that.

Yeah, although canon characters don't play a big role. Some of the Greil Mercs appear in part 2, but after that, it's all original characters from that point on. Still, it takes place in Tellius and the main character is Bryce's son and stuff.

Ohhh, now I understand. Still, I don't think it's really unreasonable for Kent to be a little more laid back now since there's also a twelve year gap between this fic and the events of FE7. Just as Sain matured and gained some more seriousness over the years as a husband and father, Kent has relaxed a little more and taken in life since the war ended. He's dealt with heartbreak and difficult situations with his position as steward, but he's also taken time to visit friends and have a good time to cheer himself up.

Edited November 8, 2016 by Anacybele

[NJ7009]

Yeah, although canon characters don't play a big role. Some of the Greil Mercs appear in part 2, but after that, it's all original characters from that point on. Still, it takes place in Tellius and the main character is Bryce's son and stuff.

Ohhh, now I understand. Still, I don't think it's really unreasonable for Kent to be a little more laid back now since there's also a twelve year gap between this fic and the events of FE7. Just as Sain matured and gained some more seriousness over the years as a husband and father, Kent has relaxed a little more and taken in life since the war ended. He's dealt with heartbreak and difficult situations with his position as steward, but he's also taken time to visit friends and have a good time to cheer himself up.

Bryce? The guy who was with Ashnard on the final level? PoR's Camus?

Hmm... I can definitely see how Kent could mature in such a way. However, after experiencing a war... I don' t know. War changes people, and rarely for the better. He would have to recover from that and progress past his initial serious personality to become more laid back. I suppose that could feasibly happen in twelve years... but I don't know. I can't see him developing in such a way but if you can, then you go ahead.

But I have to say I really dislike the slang. It doesn't fit FE7's cast at all (It could work if you were writing for FE13 but not 7). Kent would read better without it, too.

[Anacybele]

Bryce? The guy who was with Ashnard on the final level? PoR's Camus?

Hmm... I can definitely see how Kent could mature in such a way. However, after experiencing a war... I don' t know. War changes people, and rarely for the better. He would have to recover from that and progress past his initial serious personality to become more laid back. I suppose that could feasibly happen in twelve years... but I don't know. I can't see him developing in such a way but if you can, then you go ahead.

But I have to say I really dislike the slang. It doesn't fit FE7's cast at all (It could work if you were writing for FE13 but not 7). Kent would read better without it, too.

Yep, that Bryce. He's one of the Daein Four Riders. I wish we'd gotten to know more about him, because his "I have no choice but to serve Ashnard" attitude makes me think he might've had a sadly tragic past. :(

It's why I came up with the idea that his wife died giving birth to their son and his depression over it led to some over-drinking and he got another woman pregnant out of wedlock as a result (while he was still fairly young), and then he also believed his son died in the collapse of Nados Castle, and this just worsened that hidden depression he'd had all those years.

He felt like serving Ashnard was all he was good for anymore, you might say. It seems pretty realistic to me.

Well, I don't mean that the war made Kent a little laid back, I mean going twelve years with NO war after that did. But I do understand your point here.

Yeah, I suppose the slang could be changed. I can fix that easy once I decide to work a bit on this fic again.

Edited November 11, 2016 by Anacybele