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Knight
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So, what do you think? This story is my life, but don't feel bad if you have bad news, I will endure, I only learn from mistakes. I'd prefer good news. I'm only in high school right now, as soon as I'm out I plan to work on this full time. There is so much lore to cover, I have over 1000 years of it planned out, as well as the plot, most of the characters (all the major ones) and all that jazz.

Here's the link: http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=37066

Edited by Knight
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There were a few grammatical errors, the kind that Microsoft word probably wouldn't pick up. At some point, you use "creatures" instead of "creature's", refer to the infant as "her", probably due to inadvertent pronoun confusion. Comma splices were somewhat common, that meaning, the conjunction of two independent clauses with only a comma, when you should use either a semicolon or a word such as "but" or "and" before the comma. Another thing: look into parallel sentence structure. I caught a lack of it once and it kind of threw off whatever groove the sentence was going for. Flow is important, especially to keep a reader reading, instead of catching an awkward sentence and stumbling for a second. Than again, could be another mistake.

Additionally, you say a few things that make me confused. You start your work off saying that the snow was falling gently, only to refer to it as a blizzard a paragraph later. Was this hyperbole, or did the snow unexpectedly pick up? I'd also like to look up this exchange:

"Where's Epee? I was hoping for a proper execution."

I'm afraid my rapier will have to do, I hope that won't be too much of a problem."

Upon some research (read as: Google search and clicking on the first link to Wikipedia), I found that Epee is a sort of derivative of the rapier. Maybe I'm wrong, from what was suggested, Epee was not, well, an epee. Or is Epee a special kind of rapier?

Clearly, you don't care about the technical side as much as the actual writing and plot--understandable.

While it is probably an archetype older than Superman himself, the obvious origin story you present for our protagonist is nothing short of overdone. A child of remarkable lineage, left abandoned after a horrible, cataclysmic event befalls his homeland. He seems to be the sole survivor, left to live his life in absolute ignorance of his birthright. That is, until he discovers what I can presume to be Epee. I may be wrong here, but that was totally the vibe I was getting from reading this.

Overall, it was not the most enthusing read, and I did not feel the peril and dread you were trying to convey. That is not to say that you are a failed writer, and that this entire project is for naught. Writing, as I see it, is not writing, but re-writing. Draft after draft, if you are persistent enough, this will get somewhere. Perhaps not in the fashion you currently wish it to be published, and perhaps not in the way you would ever imagine in your wildest of dreams. Tweaking, changing, rearranging--these are the true tools of an artist. As you get older and experience life, and read other written works, you will grow. You will learn to find a style and give it your spin.

Constantly read, research, and experience. With those on your side, it will only be a matter of time until what your pen puts out is marvelous.

Edited by Doga
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There were a few grammatical errors, the kind that Microsoft word probably wouldn't pick up. At some point, you use "creatures" instead of "creature's", refer to the infant as "her", probably due to inadvertent pronoun confusion. Comma splices were somewhat common, that meaning, the conjunction of two independent clauses with only a comma, when you should use either a semicolon or a word such as "but" or "and" before the comma. Another thing: look into parallel sentence structure. I caught a lack of it once and it kind of threw off whatever groove the sentence was going for. Flow is important, especially to keep a reader reading, instead of catching an awkward sentence and stumbling for a second. Than again, could be another mistake.

Additionally, you say a few things that make me confused. You start your work off saying that the snow was falling gently, only to refer to it as a blizzard a paragraph later. Was this hyperbole, or did the snow unexpectedly pick up? I'd also like to look up this exchange:

"Where's Epee? I was hoping for a proper execution."

I'm afraid my rapier will have to do, I hope that won't be too much of a problem."

Upon some research (read as: Google search and clicking on the first link to Wikipedia), I found that Epee is a sort of derivative of the rapier. Maybe I'm wrong, from what was suggested, Epee was not, well, an epee. Or is Epee a special kind of rapier?

Clearly, you don't care about the technical side as much as the actual writing and plot--understandable.

While it is probably an archetype older than Superman himself, the obvious origin story you present for our protagonist is nothing short of overdone. A child of remarkable lineage, left abandoned after a horrible, cataclysmic event befalls his homeland. He seems to be the sole survivor, left to live his life in absolute ignorance of his birthright. That is, until he discovers what I can presume to be Epee. I may be wrong here, but that was totally the vibe I was getting from reading this.

Overall, it was not the most enthusing read, and I did not feel the peril and dread you were trying to convey. That is not to say that you are a failed writer, and that this entire project is for naught. Writing, as I see it, is not writing, but re-writing. Draft after draft, if you are persistent enough, this will get somewhere. Perhaps not in the fashion you currently wish it to be published, and perhaps not in the way you would ever imagine in your wildest of dreams. Tweaking, changing, rearranging--these are the true tools of an artist. As you get older and experience life, and read other written works, you will grow. You will learn to find a style and give it your spin.

Constantly read, research, and experience. With those on your side, it will only be a matter of time until what your pen puts out is marvelous.

You bring up a lot of great points, thanks. The beginning, I see, is a little cliche, I have so much more exciting ideas, but now I see that I must improve the beginning if I want readers to stay through to the end. Concerning Epee, it is the name of a specific sword, I actually think it could be changed. You were pretty accurate about the protagonists origin story, and I should modify it, I will acknowledge that. Although I don't consider him the traditional "superman" archetype, I can understand now from a readers perspective that that is where they think it's heading. I only just noticed the blizzard issue, I actually laughed. I usually catch all these things when I enter editor mode, I don't think the grammar errors are too much of a problem as of right now. My biggest problem right now is getting the thought of the cliche hero story out of the readers head, and I need to figure out how to do that.

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There is only one thing I can think of worse than using beaten-to-death cliche, and that is trying so hard to subvert the cliche that it becomes evident.

The beginning is important, though. I really can't tell you what to do with it. Firstly, because it is your book, not mine, and secondly, because I'm not a good enough writer.

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I'm going to assume this is the first ever thing you've been seriously motivated to write. In which case I'm not sure how brutal or gentle one should be when reviewing. When you're someone just writing fiction for the first time I think the most important is that you develop the disipline to actually sit down and writing something of substance. For tht reason, I'd say not to concern yourself too greatly with criticism. I wouldn't hold out hope that the first story you write to be particularly good, but I think sticking it through is goal in itself. I don't believe in any sort of "natural talent" when it comes to writing. You just have to work through being a novice to begin.

That's the attitude I hold to the first novel I wrote, which I believe is probably still around on this forum deep in the written section. Looking back, I regard it as pretty shoddy work. The pride I feel for it comes simply from having written a story that was +100,000 words long for the first time.

That being said, here are some comments of my own. Rather than picking on any particular part I'll make broad remarks:

1. The story seems to lack coherent a point of view (POV) character.

I believe that rather sterile feeling parts of this story could be greatly improved by showing things through the eyes of the characters, rather than an using an omniscient viewpoint to just tell the readers things.

For example, the introduction of the undead army could have been made more dramatic by showing it through the eyes of one of the castle soldiers who could express fear and confusion. Alternatively, you could have written the scene from the eyes of the cloaked man (who I will assume is the summoner) who could admire the army. The way it is currently introduced lacks an emotion or impact.

The description of the battle could have been enhanced as well. Writing it through the eyes of one of the soldiers in the battle would makes it easier to convey the haze of battle and the terror of facing an skeleton army. The way it's written currently is just too matter-of-fact description of what's happening without any emotion or reason to care about any of the characters.

The point of a story is to give the reader an emotion experience, and this is best done by showing them how things look through the eyes of any given character. If you're new to writing, I would highly recommend looking at using a more basic style of 3rd person viewpoint.

2. There needs to be more indication of when a new scene is starting.

I was slightly confused when the story suddenly cut to Edward, and then again with the child. There was no physical sign that the battle scene was coming to an end and that we were moving on a new subject. Even just a simply double spacing can help give a clearer indication of the end and start of scenes.

3. Less telling, more showing.

A pretty bog standard thing to say I know, but I generally feel this story has problems when it comes to a lack of showing things. A few examples of this would again include the introduction of the undead army. Another one would be when Sarah is singing a lullaby of stars and dragons. There's no hint of what the song sounds like, or what any of its lines are. It's a pretty hard thing to just imagine off the top of my head. It doesn't make me feel anything at all.

This again is where having more defined POV characters can help. You can give details about what's happening by writing out how they react to different things around them and what things look like through their eyes.

I'll maybe look into fleshing out some more comments at a later point. However, I hope some of this might help you.

Edited by Shuuda
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I'm going to assume this is the first ever thing you've been seriously motivated to write. In which case I'm not sure how brutal or gentle one should be when reviewing. When you're someone just writing fiction for the first time I think the most important is that you develop the disipline to actually sit down and writing something of substance. For tht reason, I'd say not to concern yourself too greatly with criticism. I wouldn't hold out hope that the first story you write to be particularly good, but I think sticking it through is goal in itself. I don't believe in any sort of "natural talent" when it comes to writing. You just have to work through being a novice to begin.

That's the attitude I hold to the first novel I wrote, which I believe is probably still around on this forum deep in the written section. Looking back, I regard it as pretty shoddy work. The pride I feel for it comes simply from having written a story that was +100,000 words long for the first time.

That being said, here are some comments of my own. Rather than picking on any particular part I'll make broad remarks:

1. The story seems to lack coherent a point of view (POV) character.

I believe that rather sterile feeling parts of this story could be greatly improved by showing things through the eyes of the characters, rather than an using an omniscient viewpoint to just tell the readers things.

For example, the introduction of the undead army could have been made more dramatic by showing it through the eyes of one of the castle soldiers who could express fear and confusion. Alternatively, you could have written the scene from the eyes of the cloaked man (who I will assume is the summoner) who could admire the army. The way it is currently introduced lacks an emotion or impact.

The description of the battle could have been enhanced as well. Writing it through the eyes of one of the soldiers in the battle would makes it easier to convey the haze of battle and the terror of facing an skeleton army. The way it's written currently is just too matter-of-fact description of what's happening without any emotion or reason to care about any of the characters.

The point of a story is to give the reader an emotion experience, and this is best done by showing them how things look through the eyes of any given character. If you're new to writing, I would highly recommend looking at using a more basic style of 3rd person viewpoint.

2. There needs to be more indication of when a new scene is starting.

I was slightly confused when the story suddenly cut to Edward, and then again with the child. There was no physical sign that the battle scene was coming to an end and that we were moving on a new subject. Even just a simply double spacing can help give a clearer indication of the end and start of scenes.

3. Less telling, more showing.

A pretty bog standard thing to say I know, but I generally feel this story has problems when it comes to a lack of showing things. A few examples of this would again include the introduction of the undead army. Another one would be when Sarah is singing a lullaby of stars and dragons. There's no hint of what the song sounds like, or what any of its lines are. It's a pretty hard thing to just imagine off the top of my head. It doesn't make me feel anything at all.

This again is where having more defined POV characters can help. You can give details about what's happening by writing out how they react to different things around them and what things look like through their eyes.

I'll maybe look into fleshing out some more comments at a later point. However, I hope some of this might help you.

Thanks, this is actually only one of my few stories in third person, I don't think I've gotten the handle of it. I think I may switch the POV to first person when I introduce Red Warrior in the first chapter. Great help, every bit is a learning experience.

Edited by Knight
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

It's much past the bed-time I've been trying to set for myself (blame FE13 and this schoolwork), so I won't go all out on criticism like I did last time. What I will say now, though, are the two things I want to address first:

1. Narrative and perspective. Trying to get into a character's head by telling a story in first person can be a good move, but it has to be done well, in my opinion. I'll see how it goes and how you expand it, but my primary issue with the narrative at this time in tense usage. In some sentences you use the past tense, and in others, the present. This can be fine based on context, but sometimes you jumbled both into the same sentence, and it looked awkward. As you write in this first-person perspective, try and put yourself in the character's shoes more. You describe, but there is a wealth more of emotion that can be brought out. Sometimes having solid exposition blatantly placed, like you did in the beginning, can seem boring. With first-person, one can always incorporate exposition while doing other things. I'd write an example or two, but I'm quite tired, and need to finish some work.

Anyhow, my first point funnels into my second, kind of:

2. The whole killing scene. Edward seems to have no issue killing these brigands to begin with, but then laments. There's no problem with these kinds of internal conflicts, but they could be presented much better. Perhaps have him hesitate to act, due to his reluctance to take lives and kill. Creating the emotion and the fear when the problem presents itself looks much better, and allows for a greater show of characterization than simply tacking it on at the end. Use the first-person to the best it can be used, which is to ultimately tell a story directly in someone's eyes. Feel how they feel and project it in a way the reader can connect to.

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It's much past the bed-time I've been trying to set for myself (blame FE13 and this schoolwork), so I won't go all out on criticism like I did last time. What I will say now, though, are the two things I want to address first:

1. Narrative and perspective. Trying to get into a character's head by telling a story in first person can be a good move, but it has to be done well, in my opinion. I'll see how it goes and how you expand it, but my primary issue with the narrative at this time in tense usage. In some sentences you use the past tense, and in others, the present. This can be fine based on context, but sometimes you jumbled both into the same sentence, and it looked awkward. As you write in this first-person perspective, try and put yourself in the character's shoes more. You describe, but there is a wealth more of emotion that can be brought out. Sometimes having solid exposition blatantly placed, like you did in the beginning, can seem boring. With first-person, one can always incorporate exposition while doing other things. I'd write an example or two, but I'm quite tired, and need to finish some work.

Anyhow, my first point funnels into my second, kind of:

2. The whole killing scene. Edward seems to have no issue killing these brigands to begin with, but then laments. There's no problem with these kinds of internal conflicts, but they could be presented much better. Perhaps have him hesitate to act, due to his reluctance to take lives and kill. Creating the emotion and the fear when the problem presents itself looks much better, and allows for a greater show of characterization than simply tacking it on at the end. Use the first-person to the best it can be used, which is to ultimately tell a story directly in someone's eyes. Feel how they feel and project it in a way the reader can connect to.

Yes, well, I actually came up with Edward's fear of violence shortly after the fight scene, I didn't bother to change it. Thanks again for the criticism, everything helps. Tense has always been an issue, not as much in my short story works, but in my longer pieces. Anyway, good luck with your schoolwork and sleep.

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One thing that really bothers me is the way the character introduces himself. It's really weird because he's basically introducing himself to himself, but this is done solely for the sake of an audience (the readers) which he is not aware of. I think introducing details about Edward could be done in a more organic fashion by revealling them through his interactions with the other characters and his surroundings. For example, we could have gotten his name just fine if one of the other characters had referred to him as "Edward".

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  • 1 month later...

Oh my god.

Those names are getting bad. Like, Vulk and Kindle weren't bad, but oh my god, kid.

Maybe they never sunk in until now, but what solidified how bad the names was, "Jack-o-Lantern, the enigmatic rotting vegetable".

Come on. You can do better. You're 16 years old. I'll hold you to the standard I expect a 16 year old to be able to perform when it comes to this.

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