Feedback for Lion Prince

[blah the Prussian]

Feedback. So yeah.

[Parrhesia]

Step one, fix all the grammar, because that thing has not been proofread.

And if it has, that's kind of sad.

[blah the Prussian]

Step one, fix all the grammar, because that thing has not been proofread.

And if it has, that's kind of sad.

Examples?

[Parrhesia]

'"Where'd that little bastard go"? Shouted one of his pursuers. " How should I know" yelled another one.
Oyfaye heard the footsteps growing softer and sighed with relief. He looked down at the bundle in his hands. "Your gonna have a great destiny, Celice. Your gonna save the world someday."
That, unfortunately, was not to be the case. The magic descended suddenly, and without warning. Oifaye and Celice were gone. There was not even dust left over.
Manfroy, from his perch, smiled. The spell had worked perfectly. There was no one left to oppose his master now. No one except... Him.

Sigurd... Cuan... Gone. And they wouldn't come back. Damn it, thought Eltshan, My sister could be being tortured to death right now, and I'm focused on my friends from military school. The new king of Augustria did, of course, have more pressing matters at hand. He had received news of the massacre of Sigurd's forces at Barhara only hours before. His beloved sister, Lachesis, had been in Sigurd's army. Eltshan needed to know what had happened to his sister. One thing was sure: if they had laid a finger on Lachesis, Grandbell would pay in blood.
"Cross Knights, form up" Eltshan barked. His men charged a contingent of Grandbell troops holed up in a village. They were no match for Augustrias finest.
"Brother... help" Eltshan looked down and gasped. His sister was lying on the ground, bloodied. "They caught up with me... Nanna's safe... help." Eltshan helped his younger sister to her feet.'

all of this for a start

Like, it's basically unreadable.

[blah the Prussian]

I made some changes. How is it now?

[Parrhesia]

At least now it's readable, though the dialogue's still formatted incorrectly.

The pace is dreadful, it's largely incoherent, some guy and some kid we have no emotional investment in died and it's meant to be sad, nobody knows why that kid is supposedly the hope of all mankind, none of the characters have introductions, I'm pretty sure his name's been officially translated to Eldigan, it sounds as though Eldigan's the one shouting for help, Lopt-Grandbell is established in the game as not needing valid casi belli to subjugate foreign powers, and there is literally no tension.

[blah the Prussian]

Fair points. About Eltshan/Eldigan, I thought using Eltshan would be better as more people would know about it. Also, the game explicitly stated that before Julius was given the Loptyr tome, the Grandbell Empire was extremely benevolent(though how it managed to do that with people like Danan and Blume in charge I do not know). Thank you for all the feedback.