What's the deal with bisexuality?

[TheBattyOne]

Hello. I'm bisexual.

That's never how I introduce myself, by the way, but I felt it was important to start with that so everybody can know up front my stance (and my bias) in this issue. I want to talk about some of the myths and mindsets surrounding bisexuality.

The thing I noticed after I "outed" myself (and I've told very few people) is their behavior afterward. My siblings support me 100% and believe, like I do, that sexuality is a spectrum where very few people are completely straight, completely gay, or exactly in the middle. My religious best friend has accepted that being homosexual is no more a choice than being hetero, but believes that bisexual people don't exist. She thinks that it's just an excuse to sleep around. I haven't told her yet. My mom has ignored any hints I've dropped that I am attracted to women and hasn't ever spoken to me about my sexuality. I think she's honestly uncomfortable with it.

One reaction I hear is common (I've received it myself): "Well, have you done anything sexual with both men and women?" If the answer is no: "Then how can you know you're bi?" That confuses me because you don't have to do that kind of thing to know you're straight or gay. At least, not that I know of. A similar reaction: "Doesn't that mean you have sex/relationships with a man and a woman at the same time?" Not necessarily. Frankly, having more than one romantic partner at a time would give me a headache. And it's annoying that the word "bisexual" is sometimes translated as "automatically up for a threesome" or, even more damaging, "will have sex with anyone".

This all makes me wonder what it must be like to be asexual, or demisexual, or any kind of "other"-sexual that tends to be misrepresented in the rare circumstance that it's represented at all.

I went on too long. Sorry. Anyway, that's my take on things. What do you guys think?

Edited May 23, 2014 by TheBattyOne

[Darros]

My parents did the same thing with bisexuality and "it doesn't truly exist". They compared it to nymphomania, basically "not caring who you're having sex with". Which simply isn't the case. I think it's just that a lot of people don't really understand much about it. And sadly, closed minded people exist who will stick to those beliefs. But I know that they're wrong, and all I truly care is that anyone who I'm in a relationship with understands me.

[Duke of Dozel]

I believe it's a choice. Who am I to decide if someone likes the male/female form? I'm not them.

Unless you are Bisexual, you don't have the mentality of seeing both sexes as attractive. Since I'm not Bi, I can never know how that feels, so I stick my nose in my own direction and let others do what they want.

[Flaming Kirlia]

 

I really don't understand why people don't believe bisexuality is a thing

[MercyWalk]

If you're bi, whatever, maybe it's built into people, maybe not, maybe it's a choice.

I consider myself straight, but I'm not gonna lie, I do make a judgement on how physically attractive they are despite their gender when I first meet them, fuck i'll acknowledge a hard worked ass from sports/weightlifting but I just don't find myself sexually attracted to it as it's more of a respect for dedication thing, nor would I find their personality attractive enough to want to date.

[LunaSaint]

I consider myself straight, but I'm not gonna lie, I do make a judgement on how physically attractive they are despite their gender when I first meet them, fuck i'll acknowledge a hard worked ass from sports/weightlifting but I just don't find myself sexually attracted to it as it's more of a respect for dedication thing, nor would I find their personality attractive enough to want to date.

Similar disposition here.

I feel able to consider if a man is attractive, and I have no issues getting cuddly/touchy-feely around other guys. However, only females actually get my hormones going and trigger any sexual desire from me. To me, that's a simple enough way to say I'm straight, and not bisexual.

[Phoenix Wright]

Similar disposition here.

I feel able to consider if a man is attractive, and I have no issues getting cuddly/touchy-feely around other guys. However, only females actually get my hormones going and trigger any sexual desire from me. To me, that's a simple enough way to say I'm straight, and not bisexual.

same here, essentially. i think the "modern male" is like this. or at least, many of us are.

[deleted35362]

i don't get where the question of "have you had sex with both males and females" comes from. i don't think i've ever met someone who didn't know what they were attracted to until AFTER they lost their virginity.

[Thor Odinson]

Some people have sex with people they aren't actually attracted to because of heteronormative expectations of society before they figure out "no, I wasn't attracted to ___ after all". Sexuality can be pretty confusing especially if the person in question doesn't have much information on their sexuality and/or overwhelming societal pressures causing them to feel that whatever they really feel is wrong and doing the hetero thing is right. Which is terrible, but it happens. I don't think I've known people who's had sex with the gender they aren't attracted to prior to figuring out their sexuality, but I do have friends who dated girls, often even, and then figured out that he was gay. This was a while back, though. High-school age.

Which isn't relevant to people asking bisexuals that question (a very rude question, by the way, do you have to have slept with someone to know you're straight/gay/whatever) but hey.

I feel like if I do have to put labels on me I'd be demisexual (hetero version). I have never been romantically or sexually attracted to people who aren't already friends with me for some time and having really gotten to know them and trust them. I wouldn't even have sex with Chris Hemsworth, as gorgeous as that man is, and I feel a bit of disconnect between how I feel and how lots of other people who like Chris feel. And furthermore, it has always been a male friend, and with the amount of great women in my life, if I was attracted to women, I'd know. I also have never had sexual attraction forming before I become romantically attracted to the person in question, either. I also feel like I can spend my life single if I don't find a partner and it'd be just as fulfilling as if I do have one. Not a big deal to me. 99% of the time I don't really have the urges that most people seem to have. I do appreciate pretty people, though. While I also prefer looking at dudes, I can appreciate a gorgeous woman aesthetically as well. Especially if they have killer biceps.

[Elieson]

i don't get where the question of "have you had sex with both males and females" comes from. i don't think i've ever met someone who didn't know what they were attracted to until AFTER they lost their virginity.

Related to this, I know almost a dozen people who were convinced that they were Bisexual, until reaching points of intimacy with a person of X gender. One ended up completely hating sexual interactions with the same sex, resulting in him reverting to a homosexual status after being what seemed almost like being traumatized. Many of the others have maintained their stance though on being bisexual, which leads me to believe that the mindset that OP is in is more in a bicurious state. I'm not saying that OP isn't bisexual, because I'm certainly not TheBattyOne, but from the stories I've been told, it just seems to make sense as a consideration.

It's not the Bi that I'm really looking into here, it's the sexuality part that piques my interest in this conversation. I'm just more interested in how you know that you're bisexual, as in, your prefered sexual orientation (wrt the definition of sexuality). Maybe I'm looking at the definition too literally, but I just feel like there's another way to word it, which more accurately represents the mindset that many people follow.

[Rehab]

Related to this, I know almost a dozen people who were convinced that they were Bisexual, until reaching points of intimacy with a person of X gender. One ended up completely hating sexual interactions with the same sex, resulting in him reverting to a homosexual status after being what seemed almost like being traumatized. Many of the others have maintained their stance though on being bisexual, which leads me to believe that the mindset that OP is in is more in a bicurious state. I'm not saying that OP isn't bisexual, because I'm certainly not TheBattyOne, but from the stories I've been told, it just seems to make sense as a consideration.

It's not the Bi that I'm really looking into here, it's the sexuality part that piques my interest in this conversation. I'm just more interested in how you know that you're bisexual, as in, your prefered sexual orientation (wrt the definition of sexuality). Maybe I'm looking at the definition too literally, but I just feel like there's another way to word it, which more accurately represents the mindset that many people follow.

Speaking just for myself,

[spoiler=quote :3 unquote (sex talk)]I've experienced orgasms while thinking about both blowing a man and blowing a woman. Edit: to clarify, both specific people with a name and face, and somewhat imaginary people with vague personal characteristics.

I've been told by /lgbt/ that bisexuals probably don't like "real (insert gender/sex/Scotsmen here)," probably in the middle of a generalization made by somebody who's had a bad experience with a bisexual. I've only had sex with the opposite sex so far, but I don't know what I'm supposed to call that ^, if not some sort of not-straightness.

I guess I haven't felt a very strong attachment to any label of sexuality or gender, at least in a long time, so the most comfortable thing I've felt to call myself is pansexual (in my head, not usually around other people because it sounds even more ridiculous to most people than bisexuality) (and even I do kinda think it makes sense to think of it less as a "cardinal direction" of sexuality than a kind of bisexuality). A couple of other parts to that are because I'd like to be as inclusive as possible (TN: I've had crushes on trans and "my gender is 'no'" people), but also because I'd at least like to think I could fall in love with anybody.

Which I've heard other people say is just putting a frilly label on something that applies to everybody. Don't rightly know how to distinguish it overall, that's just what feels best. I guess it also might've been, because of not feeling a very strong attachment to any labeled sexual orientation etc, that I could've just been like "what's the best one? Oh pan looks good, I'll put that on my resume."

Edited May 24, 2014 by Rehab

[dondon151]

I believe it's a choice. Who am I to decide if someone likes the male/female form? I'm not them.

Unless you are Bisexual, you don't have the mentality of seeing both sexes as attractive. Since I'm not Bi, I can never know how that feels, so I stick my nose in my own direction and let others do what they want.

there is a glaring contradiction in this post.

[Rehab]

I can't quite tell if he means "one's sexuality is a choice," or "how one views somebody else's sexuality is a choice. (and the people who view one's sexuality as a choice are making the wrong one)"

[Zaprong]

I can't quite tell if he means "one's sexuality is a choice," or "how one views somebody else's sexuality is a choice. (and the people who view one's sexuality as a choice are making the wrong one)"

I think he meant the second because it's on the same paragraph but don't quote me on that lol

also nice Puyo style avi there Batty

[AMCC4728]

I fall under the category of straight male who has the ability to appreciate the beauty of other men. I have made out with guys before(no sexual stuff) but it just didn't hold an appeal for me. I'm currently dating a bisexual girl who means the world to me and I can clarify that being bisexual=/=wanting to have a threesome.(We've talked about both genders). I consider myself to be a very open minded person and tbqh I don't think that the societal etiquette of shunning all things sex is anything but irrational. Everyone should love who they love and not be afraid to show it for fear of offending people who reject your choice/genetic predisposition/whatever the hell it is.

[peener weener]

people are just uneducated in general about non-heteronormative people. it sucks, really. as long as you're happy with yourself and who you are, it's ok.

[Skynstein]

"Then everyone is missing half the world's pleasure. The Gods made that, and it delights me. The Gods made this... and it delights me. When it comes to war I fight for Dorne, when it comes to love... I don't choose sides." (Oberyn Martell when asked about his bisexuality)

[TheBattyOne]

Related to this, I know almost a dozen people who were convinced that they were Bisexual, until reaching points of intimacy with a person of X gender. One ended up completely hating sexual interactions with the same sex, resulting in him reverting to a homosexual status after being what seemed almost like being traumatized. Many of the others have maintained their stance though on being bisexual, which leads me to believe that the mindset that OP is in is more in a bicurious state. I'm not saying that OP isn't bisexual, because I'm certainly not TheBattyOne, but from the stories I've been told, it just seems to make sense as a consideration.

It's not the Bi that I'm really looking into here, it's the sexuality part that piques my interest in this conversation. I'm just more interested in how you know that you're bisexual, as in, your prefered sexual orientation (wrt the definition of sexuality). Maybe I'm looking at the definition too literally, but I just feel like there's another way to word it, which more accurately represents the mindset that many people follow.

Well, that's actually how my friend came to believe bisexuality isn't a thing. We had lots of high school friends who called themselves bi, experimented, decided they were straight/gay, and moved along.

Myself, I identify as bisexual because I'm sexually attracted to males and females. Whenever there's a male/female pair of, say, romantic leads in a movie or dancers or models, I pay much more attention to the woman because I usually find her more attractive. But I'm also attracted to men and have an easier time relating to them on a romantic level.

[HF Makalov Fanboy Kai]

i'm straight, but i'm gay for alot of videogames characters.

does that count, no matter to me because dat Ike.

[Original Alear]

i don't get where the question of "have you had sex with both males and females" comes from. i don't think i've ever met someone who didn't know what they were attracted to until AFTER they lost their virginity.

It definitely used to happen, so I assume it still happens. I've heard of cases (and even know a few of the cases personally) where a woman married a man and had children because that was more or less what they expected of their lives, and then later realized they weren't attracted to men, divorced the husbands and found female partners. I assume this has happened with gay men too, and although I don't know any examples personally I'm pretty sure I've heard of examples before.

[Phoenix Wright]

i don't get where the question of "have you had sex with both males and females" comes from. i don't think i've ever met someone who didn't know what they were attracted to until AFTER they lost their virginity.

i've made jokes about it with friends. it's called being "hetero curious"

[Loki Laufeyson]

First off, lets just get one thing clear here:

YOU REALLY CANNOT CHOOSE WHAT YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO

Seriously, you are attracted to something or someone or you are not. Theres no "choice" here, so let us throw that filthy tub of leftovers out in the trash. If someone is bisexual, its not a bloody choice, they just are attracted to both genders. Deal with it. The end. Good bye.

Some people have sex with people they aren't actually attracted to because of heteronormative expectations of society before they figure out "no, I wasn't attracted to ___ after all". Sexuality can be pretty confusing especially if the person in question doesn't have much information on their sexuality and/or overwhelming societal pressures causing them to feel that whatever they really feel is wrong and doing the hetero thing is right. Which is terrible, but it happens. I don't think I've known people who's had sex with the gender they aren't attracted to prior to figuring out their sexuality, but I do have friends who dated girls, often even, and then figured out that he was gay. This was a while back, though. High-school age.

Which isn't relevant to people asking bisexuals that question (a very rude question, by the way, do you have to have slept with someone to know you're straight/gay/whatever) but hey.

I feel like if I do have to put labels on me I'd be demisexual (hetero version). I have never been romantically or sexually attracted to people who aren't already friends with me for some time and having really gotten to know them and trust them. I wouldn't even have sex with Chris Hemsworth, as gorgeous as that man is, and I feel a bit of disconnect between how I feel and how lots of other people who like Chris feel. And furthermore, it has always been a male friend, and with the amount of great women in my life, if I was attracted to women, I'd know. I also have never had sexual attraction forming before I become romantically attracted to the person in question, either. I also feel like I can spend my life single if I don't find a partner and it'd be just as fulfilling as if I do have one. Not a big deal to me. 99% of the time I don't really have the urges that most people seem to have. I do appreciate pretty people, though. While I also prefer looking at dudes, I can appreciate a gorgeous woman aesthetically as well. Especially if they have killer biceps.

Bolded: And how. Its never fun to force yourself to consent to sex with someone you really arent attracted to. (even if youre straight and its someone of the opposite gender) If you are banging someone and you see their face and you go "ueagh..." and in your head, you are thinking of that girl who works at the coffee shop on Valencia street instead. And then you finally get off but open your eyes to see that guy you arent terribly attracted to, you go "oh goddammit." Oh, and you have lady parts. Yeah its uncomfortable as fuck and i just.... Stuff sucks.

While im not really what you'd call a demisexual (i had to look that up), i understand where you are coming from with the point of spending my entire life without being in another relationship wont really effect my outlook. The thing with me is that ive always been expected to settle for what i can get by my peers and THAT. FUCKING. SUCKS. As a result, i had grown to dislike sex as an act because of expectations. No one should ever be expected to settle for something they really dont want or are attracted to. Its actually better to be alone than that because of how emotionally crushing it is to be forced to conform to some expectation.

So i sorta had to give the world the middle finger and say "im not going to fuck someone unless i really find them hot. And it doesnt bloody matter what gender is fueling the fire. Fucking deal with it." Im mostly attracted to a specific mannerism and levels of appearances in blokes, but theres some lady aspects i find pretty goddamn hot.

[Tryhard]

A friend of a friend has sex with both females and males, yet claims that bisexuals don't exist and that "I'm not actually attracted to girls" despite continuing to have sexual relations with girls. I don't really get that one, riddle me that.

This all makes me wonder what it must be like to be asexual, or demisexual, or any kind of "other"-sexual that tends to be misrepresented in the rare circumstance that it's represented at all.

Being asexual doesn't really bother me, even if people have a flawed idea of what it is. I'd rather have that a thousand times over than any pain, shame or discrimination that homosexuals, bisexuals and others have the possibility of facing.

Edited May 25, 2014 by Tryhard

[Loki Laufeyson]

A friend of a friend has sex with both females and males, yet claims that bisexuals don't exist and that "I'm not actually attracted to girls" despite continuing to have sexual relations with girls. I don't really get that one, riddle me that.

This person is either in denial, or just a fucking idiot. Or both.

Edited May 25, 2014 by Loki Laufeyson

[MercyWalk]

First off, lets just get one thing clear here:

YOU REALLY CANNOT CHOOSE WHAT YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO

Seriously, you are attracted to something or someone or you are not. Theres no "choice" here, so let us throw that filthy tub of leftovers out in the trash. If someone is bisexual, its not a bloody choice, they just are attracted to both genders. Deal with it. The end. Good bye.

Bolded: And how. Its never fun to force yourself to consent to sex with someone you really arent attracted to. (even if youre straight and its someone of the opposite gender) If you are banging someone and you see their face and you go "ueagh..." and in your head, you are thinking of that girl who works at the coffee shop on Valencia street instead. And then you finally get off but open your eyes to see that guy you arent terribly attracted to, you go "oh goddammit." Oh, and you have lady parts. Yeah its uncomfortable as fuck and i just.... Stuff sucks.

While im not really what you'd call a demisexual (i had to look that up), i understand where you are coming from with the point of spending my entire life without being in another relationship wont really effect my outlook. The thing with me is that ive always been expected to settle for what i can get by my peers and THAT. FUCKING. SUCKS. As a result, i had grown to dislike sex as an act because of expectations. No one should ever be expected to settle for something they really dont want or are attracted to. Its actually better to be alone than that because of how emotionally crushing it is to be forced to conform to some expectation.

So i sorta had to give the world the middle finger and say "im not going to fuck someone unless i really find them hot. And it doesnt bloody matter what gender is fueling the fire. Fucking deal with it." Im mostly attracted to a specific mannerism and levels of appearances in blokes, but theres some lady aspects i find pretty goddamn hot.

You seem extremely heated about this question

A friend of a friend has sex with both females and males, yet claims that bisexuals don't exist and that "I'm not actually attracted to girls" despite continuing to have sexual relations with girls. I don't really get that one, riddle me that.

Being asexual doesn't really bother me, even if people have a flawed idea of what it is. I'd rather have that a thousand times over than any pain, shame or discrimination that homosexuals, bisexuals and others have the possibility of facing.

Maybe your friend finds the process of having sex fun? This is probably a stupid idea but it might sort of be like playing a game for him, I mean if i'm making someone else have a good time willingly, i'm probably gonna enjoy the experience as well.

Edited May 25, 2014 by Alb