Unfaithful Father

[Wizard]

Hey, guys. I'd like to talk to you about a dilemma I am in. Firstly, for this story to make sense you have to know that I live with my mother and stepfather, and my father lives elsewhere.

In March, my Dad spoke to me out of the blue to tell me he was going to get married to his fiance of several years, who I am quite close to. I hadn't spoken to him person for almost two years, so it was nice to see him again.

Over the weeks and months I visited him with my younger brother quite regularly. He used his phone a lot, and kept it with him all the time.

I looked over his shoulder one time, and noticed he was messaging a woman from his workplace- he is a care-worker that works very long shifts. I noticed that he had messaged her saying she 'missed him' and was 'looking forward to work.' This didn't seem too bad, but it seemed strange.

This continued for a few months- seeing the messages and him acting strangely.

One day I stayed over because of a party that we had gone to together- his wife's mother's birthday party. I had the oppurtunity to look at his phone without him knowing, so I did.

I went on his 'whatsapp' messager app and found the messages from her. They was definitely something going on- some of the messages were sexual, and there were pictures- nothing sexual thankfully.

I took a photo of some of the more offensive messages. After this event I only met with him twice more, and now I have been trying to cut him off a bit.

I feel sick having this information- my step-mother is a good, kind person who treats me like a proper member of her family.

What should I do with this information? Also, any of you guys been in a similar situation with unfaithful parents? Thanks.

[Yuki]

I'd probably say confront him with it. Something like this really shouldn't go out of hand, and you should try to get to the bottom of it, but just between you two for now. It'll be easier for him to open up to just you instead of having to open up to a whole group. Keep a clear mind and take things easy, but don't let go of the subject until you feel like you've got a truthful answer. It might take some time. There's nothing wrong with him having friends but he shouldn't cross the line, and you're going to have to give him close reminders of that. He's going to have to tell his co-worker to back off, or she'll keep flirting with him.

That's my thought anyway.

Edited December 30, 2014 by TheYukianesa

[Raven]

It's a pretty shit situation where you can do one of several things.

I'm tied between two choices.

You tell your father that you know about his flirting, and that you want him to stop fucking about and that the repercussions if his wife were to find out would be horrendous. I'm pretty sure it would lead to a divorce if they're already married, or a discarded wedding ring.

There's that, or there is telling your father's wife that you know something's going on. From there on, it'd be completely out of your hands. If she tells your father that you was the one who told her, he may well decide to not bother with you, depending on what kind of person he is.

But there's one thing I'll say; if a person feels the urges to flirt and text other women (considered "cheating" by some people) then those urges won't suddenly disappear overnight.

It's a tough call, but as much as I think your father's a shitty person for doing this, you should talk to him first. Lay it on him hard that what he's doing is fucked up, and he needs to sort his shit out immediately before he takes it too far with this woman. Once, and only once. You're doing it only because you don't want to see his wife get hurt.

After that, I think if you catch him messaging and being flirty/being sexually suggestive in messages with this woman (or any other woman) again, you've got the right to tell his wife. Then they can both sort their differences out. You could skip this and immediately tell his wife instead of going to your father, but then you will feel like shit if they broke up as a result - even though it wasn't your fault.

If you trust your own mother, you could talk to her about it because she should be the one who knows him more than anyone else, too.

[Anacybele]

I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I do know a little bit, seeing as I have a stepfather as well and my real dad did get himself into a bad situation several years ago (it didn't have anything to do with relationships though, he was having drug problems. He never even got another girlfriend after my mom divorced him, let alone remarried).

I have to agree that Yukianesa and Raven have good ideas. You should keep it between you, your dad, and your stepmom. You have every right to tell her what he's been up to as well. Etc, etc. If your dad is cheating, she has every right to leave him too. Because cheating is just horrible.

[Tangerine]

You should keep it between you, your dad, and your stepmom. You have every right to tell her what he's been up to as well.

This is a terrible first step.

-

Don't take advice from anybody in this thread to heart, because we are horribly unequipped to give you advice based on what has been presented. We don't know what your father is like, we don't know this woman he is talking to, we don't know anything about their friend/relationship, and we don't know anything about the relationship between him and his fiancee. "He was acting weird" tells us nothing in reality, it will only cause people to jump to their own conclusions.

You don't know what is actually going on. "Some messages were sexual", which is the only thing you have to go on that is suggesting infidelity currently (as far as we know, and this is vague to begin with), isn't enough to say for sure that somebody is being unfaithful, especially when all you're looking at is text with no way of knowing the nature of their relationship. That means that talking to the fiancee first is out of the question, as you are much more likely to make a mistake and drive a wedge of distrust between them that may not be warranted. Step 1 is common sense if your intention is to get involved, you do not need advice for it. The first step should be to talk to him about it, tell him what you know/you've seen, and go from there on your own best judgement based on his response. If you care about the two of them then you need to make sure you know what is going on when you get involved.

This could make step 2 anything from apologizing for the breach of privacy (if you are mistaken. Actually you should probably do this anyway for taking his phone and looking through it.), to encouraging him to open up to his fiancee about it himself, to talking to his fiancee about it yourself. Step 2 could be anything, those are only three examples anybody could give you. I don't know, none of us do, only you know what the best course of action to take next is because you're the one who is personally involved with these people and know them best. You're the one who has to interpret his response. Situations like this are delicate and are best handled by someone who has personal knowledge of everyone involved and has an idea of what will happen at the end of each choice you have. That's you in this case, not us.

If you have any siblings or family close to them that you know are trustworthy then they may be the ones you need to speak to for advice after the initial conversation with your father. Flirting with somebody over text does not make you a monster unworthy of basic respect. Yukia made the best post in this thread, minus the last line (because again we don't know the nature of them, he may even be the one initiating). That's the most advice anyone on the outside can give you without getting too personal to where they have no right to.

Edited December 31, 2014 by Tangerine

[Yuki]

Yukia made the best post in this thread, minus the last line (because again we don't know the nature of them, he may even be the one initiating).

Now you made me blush >///<

But yes, you're absolutely correct, I got ahead of myself with the last line.