Jump to content

Conflict of the Heart Feedback


Anacybele
 Share

Recommended Posts

Yeah, feedback for my newest story, Conflict of the Heart. Review to your heart's content! I'm much better about criticism than I used to be. Just be polite and all and things should be fine. You don't have to sugarcoat anything, just don't be really harsh or rude. What are the flaws, if any? What did I do right? If I know the flaws, I might be able to fix them (no promises though, sorry...). If I know what I did right, well, then I know what I don't need to focus on and I feel encouraged to continue.

So yeah, feedback goes here! :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Started it, this thing is freakin long...hopefully by the end of this weekend I'll have it all read. But here are a few comments so far.

I highly doubt red hair is uncommon in Crimea, all hair colors should show up everywhere. This wolf king is interesting, did something happen to Nailah or is he just a general/high ranking Hatarian? The part where he snores and sleep talks made me snicker a bit...lol I might have to find a place for that in WoC next time he shows up. You already told me about his half sibling, but I still found the birth certificate thing interesting and it makes me wonder if that's how Nyra's mom proved her heritage. She likely hid hers until then...and made the midwife/doctor swear never to tell. Anyway, it seems a bit odd that he wouldn't know much else about his half sibling. Birth certificates have names and genders and stuff like that too. Unless Tauroneo crossed that out for some reason?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Huh, this might just be me being used to writing the length I do, but neither chapter feels that long to me. lol

Thing is, red hair does appear to be uncommon in Crimea though. Titania and Kieran are the only Crimeans I can think of that have the kind of red hair we're talking here (Rhys is orange, Shinon is more magenta). And even then, Kieran is more like a brownish red.

The incident with the wolf king is a story I wrote before I knew RD existed, so I tweaked it later to fit with the Hatari business. Ashes of War is that story. Also found in the DoD short story collection on my ff.net account.

Oh yes, birth certificates are quite possible and were likely a thing in even our own medieval ages. How else could we know about the royal and noble bloodlines from back then even today? They had to have been documented somewhere and preserved so people could learn and prove this knowledge.

As for why Jerec couldn't read the rest of what was on the certificate, that's just because it's old and the writing just became smudgy and smeary and unreadable.

Edited by Anacybele
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Huh, this might just be me being used to writing the length I do, but neither chapter feels that long to me. lol

I'm used to reading that much in print books, but not on a screen...

Thing is, red hair does appear to be uncommon in Crimea though. Titania and Kieran are the only Crimeans I can think of that have the kind of red hair we're talking here (Rhys is orange, Shinon is more magenta). And even then, Kieran is more like a brownish red.

Fair enough unless you count OCs...but still, genes aren't specific to certain countries. Unless they have entirely different climates. Darker skin irl is in hotter climate places like Africa, even that I don't think is really a gene, more of a mutation, but it protects against the heat/helps prevent sunburns. Daein might be a bit colder than Crimea but we don't know for sure...and red hair wouldn't be that much of a survival benefit. Stands out against snow, easy for the enemy to see. But then again, the black armor does too and we're not talking wild animals, so idk.

The incident with the wolf king is a story I wrote before I knew RD existed, so I tweaked it later to fit with the Hatari business. Ashes of War is that story. Also found in the DoD short story collection on my ff.net account.

Okay, I see.

Oh yes, birth certificates are quite possible and were likely a thing in even our own medieval ages. How else could we know about the royal and noble bloodlines from back then even today? They had to have been documented somewhere and preserved so people could learn and prove this knowledge.

It's settled then. Now somewhere in Daein, there's an old midwife who was forced to keep a secret.

As for why Jerec couldn't read the rest of what was on the certificate, that's just because it's old and the writing just became smudgy and smeary and unreadable.

But he could read the stuff he did? You'd think the whole thing would smear, but no big deal.

Replies in bold.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ah, yeah, it can seem longer on a screen, I agree.

That's true, but we just seem to see more red-haired people in Daein than Crimea. I mean, there's Bryce, Shiharam, Jill, Norris, etc. Maybe more I'm not thinking of. Heck, Tauroneo might've even had red hair before he went gray.

Heh, that works. :P

Well, not ALL of the writing on it is smudged and smeared to the point of being unreadable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Norris...that sniper boss in PoR? I remember him being a pain in the butt to the point that I made a Chuck Norris joke. Forgot the details xD

Tauroneo is more black/dark brown, but yeah...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Norris...that sniper boss in PoR? I remember him being a pain in the butt to the point that I made a Chuck Norris joke. Forgot the details xD

Tauroneo is more black/dark brown, but yeah...

Yep, that's the guy.

Huh, Tauroneo always looked gray to me... Oh well, doesn't matter. :P

There's also a lot more Daeins shown than Crimeans, so there are more chances for Daeins to have red hair than Crimeans ~o3o~

You have a point, but I'm just going to keep the hair color thing as is. It's a minor detail anyway. Not really worth changing at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"By the goddess' left boob, I look terrible!" xD Also loled at Elincia being as big as a house before her and Ike's kid is born...and maybe I missed something, but I'm wondering what he did to make Titania punch him. Anyway I have the first chapter finished...in case you couldn't tell from that. Might get used to reading long things on a screen yet!

You didn't tell me whether or not I have permission to make him snore and sleep talk if I get the chance in WoC, btw...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He punched Titania, not the other way around. lol And she basically called him a liar after Jerec told a story about how he tried to help this elderly laguz. Jerec won't take to that kindly after the shit he went through at the time. :P

That goddess line and Elincia bit were Falchion's ideas. XD Yeah, he always comes up with awesome comedic stuff like this!

Getting used to reading long things on a screen sounds good. ^^

You asked me that? Huh, I must have never noticed or something, because I don't remember that at all. But of course you have my permission. :P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I see I see. Yeah, sounds like Falchion can come up with quite the funnies, which is a good thing xD Closest thing I have to that is Cerai and Leo's "for the love of flying" that I haven't gotten to put anywhere yet and I think is stolen from Haar...

And yeah, I understand if you missed it. It's in the middle of the paragraph on that first review post I made, and even then I said more "I might have to".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Haha, that's a good one too. lol Also sounds like something some of the bird laguz would say. :P

Yeah, Falchion is a clever man, he is. ^^

Ah, I see it now. My bad. :P But you still got my permission, of course!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...