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SF's "Write Your Butt Off!" Writing Competition XIV


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Would vehicles count as 'weapons' so long as they were combat-based?

This actually reminds me of something I read where Hienz Guderian would always talk to his tank, named Bertha. Rommel and Manstien thought he was crazy. It was pretty funny, basically WWII the funny version.

Edited by blah2127
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Posted (edited) · Hidden by eclipse, April 25, 2015 - Will be reshown on Monday
Hidden by eclipse, April 25, 2015 - Will be reshown on Monday

Sorry for the double post, but here it is.

Title: The Return of the King

Fandom: The Legend of Zelda

The boy in green jumped up, lightning striking his sword. In the next instant, the blade thrust down, piercing Master through the heart. His essence was absorbed into the sword, trapping him. This was the moment of our defeat. My master had failed. No… I had failed him. Master was beaten, and it was all my fault. If I had a mouth, I would scream.

As I clattered to the ground, the boy in green turned around, and stepped into the portal. In the next instant, he was gone. This battleground had become my existence. There was nothing but a vast expanse of water, and I. And there, for years upon years, I remained. What had become Hyrule was sealed from me.

Some time later (I cannot tell for sure how long) I was given company. Strangers, with hushed voices, entered my realm. They placed something upon a pedestal, paying me no mind. It was not until after they left that I got a good view of it. Light emanated from it. Power, Wisdom, Courage… it was what Master had always desired. It stood here, tormenting me. It was so close, yet I could not reach it. This was the greatest torture of all.

It was not long before I had more visitors. Through a portal to the outside world, a young boy appeared. He was wearing green. I sensed something in him. Then, all at once, the old memory came rushing back at me. This was him. This was the descendent of the boy in green.

No. It couldn’t be. He was younger. Smaller. He lacked experience. He was but a pathetic shadow. My old foe, I realized, was dead, long dead.

Suddenly, magic shot at the boy. Another figure entered my realm. He was tall, and dark skinned. He radiated power and ambition. And, in him, I saw my old Master. “I am Ganondorf!” he proclaimed as he seized the Triforce, “and I will rule the world!”

Then, the greatest indignity of all. He left. This man, who could only be my new master, left. And I was stuck with this imitation of my foe to keep me company. I watched him grow, and yet was immobilized. Revenge, or at least some measure of it, was finally within reach, and yet I could not have it. This was the greatest torture of all.

Some years later, I got more company. The boy had left, and I was mercifully alone again… until they came. First it was a green haired girl, then it was a bizarre fish woman who claimed to be a princess, then it was a giant who could become an unstoppable juggernaut when he rolled into a ball, then a shadow woman who was somehow familiar, and then one who appeared similar to Ganondorf. And somehow, I knew that the more they appeared, the more Ganondorf was losing. It was torture to watch. Master was losing again, and I could not help.

Eventually, the odd people left. I was once again alone… but only for a short time. A giant pig creature then joined me. From interacting with him, I was able to discover that he was actually Ganondorf, now called Ganon. And so he picked me up. I was no longer a sword. I was now a trident.

Together, Ganon and I shaped the world in our image. We created a world of monsters, of Darkness. It was the Dark World, and we would use it to reconquer what was ours!

And yet, it never happened. Time and time again, we returned. Time and time again, we were defeated. Nothing we did caused us to win. We allied with a wind sage named Vaati, and yet he failed us. Master created an alter ego in Hyrule, and we lost. We enlisted the help of the General Onox and the sorceress Veran to free us, but they failed. It was at this point that my master lost his mind. The Triforce of Power had made him into little more than a beast. Through all of this, it slowly began to dawn on me that once again, we were losing.

Then, one day, Master and I were forcefully ejected into a new world: Lorule. There was a sorcerer, Yuga, who desired Master’s power. And I could only watch helplessly as Yuga, this usurper, consumed my Master.

Before I could react, Yuga hefted me above his had. It was then that I saw him. The boy in green was back. I was consumed by anger. This was his fault. The time to strike was now.

Yuga and the boy in green charged towards each other, weapons drawn. As I clashed with the weapon of the boy, the Master Sword, a voice appeared in my head. It made me want to jump for joy.

It was Master.

“Ganon has failed. My spirit is gone, consumed by this usurper. You ate to play along. After the Usurper defeats this hero, I will give you the ability to speak even in weapon form. You will know what to do from there.” Master was right. I did know.

Suddenly, I pierced through flesh. I looked down. The boy in green lay dying. I couldn’t believe it. We had won. Lorule belonged to the Usurper. This indignity would not stand.

Some time later

The Usurper sat on his throne, basking in his power. He couldn’t quite believe it. He had won. He and he alone held the triforce. He even had Ganon in his power. He was on top of the world. Nothing could stop him. Such a fool he was. He was a fool to assume that this would last. For he had not obtained the Triforce of Power. He had stolen it.

I decided that the time was now to make my move. My voice rang out through the empty halls, for the first time in eons. “Give it back.”

The Usurper jumped, his face drawn with shock. “Who said that?” he demanded furiously. “Who dares command ME to do anything?!”

I must admit, I found this bold pronouncement to be really quite amusing. Then again, I reasoned, there was no real reason for him to know what I was. I decided to toy with him before I finished. This would be… fun.

That night, the Usurper, still glancing over his shoulder, hung me up on the wall. As he lay down in his bed, the bed of Kings and Queens, I must admit I became incensed. How dare he sleep in the bed that should be occupied by my master? “Give it back.” I demanded, forcefully this time.

The Usurper jumped up in shock. “Who are you? WHAT are you? Show yourself before the King!” he roared.

The very thought of this IMPOSTER as anyone’s king was hilarious to me. Roaring with laughter, I responded “You are no king. Kings sit on their thrones because of their family. You have fought your way to power. I made you king. I MADE YOU KING.”

The Usurper was desperate now. “WHAT ARE YOU?” he demanded, almost tearfully. It was… satisfying, somehow.

“Who I am is not important. What is important is that I have the power to end your miserable life right here and now for your insolence. If you want to live, I really must demand that you GIVE IT BACK.” I ordered firmly. This was the most fun I’d had since I fought the original boy in green back in Faron!

The Usurper, meanwhile, was terrified. He bolted up in his bed, grabbed me, and ran to the gate. He approached two Moblins. “There is an intruder in the castle. You are to find and kill them.” He ordered.

I decided that now was the time to show him my true power. I spoke. “The only intruder in here is him.” I informed the Moblins. He has usurped a throne that rightfully belongs to our Master. In the name of the Demon King, seize him.”

Ever since I was first forged, there has been something in my voice that has influenced creatures of darkness to do my bidding. Through all of my alterations, this has remained consistent. The Moblins raised their spears. The Usurper let out a sharp, nervous laugh. “Is that the best you can do?” he sneered, and raised me to do battle.

I did not budge.

“In the name of His Majesty, kill this usurper!” I ordered. The Usurper’s eyes widened in terror as the Moblin guards rained down blow after blow onto him. In desperation, he turned and fled, casting me aside. I supposed that this was as good a time as any to emerge.

Darkness began to emanate from me as I felt myself gain more and more control. Arms! Legs! Head! How wonderful it felt to walk, to smell, to hear, to feel again! As I turned around, I saw the Moblins standing at attention. “You are to inform every servant of darkness in the land of one thing. Master has returned.” I ordered. Without question, they set about performing their task.

There was still something I had to do. I returned to the castle, hoping it would still be there. It was. The Master Sword, the Blade of Evil’s Bane, stood embedded in the floor. Master was in there. He remained chained by his power. He needed the Triforce. The Usurper had it. Snapping my fingers, I lifted it. The moment of triumph was at hand.

Lifting myself into the sky, I set about locating the Usurper. I could easily sense the location of the Triforce, so it was not hard. The coward was hiding in a cave behind a waterfall. I smiled. My prey would soon be caught. My master would soon return.

As I burst in to the cave, the Usurper jumped. “Who are you?” he spluttered. Ah, yes. The Usurper would not recognize me in my form, would he. I sighed.

“Give it back.”

The Usurper’s eyes widened in terror as he realized who he was facing. I snapped my fingers, and magic essence in the shape of diamonds appeared beside me. With a simple gesture, the diamonds flew forward, pinning the Usurper to the wall.

He now apparently realized that nothing he could do would ever save him. The Usurper slumped, resigned to his fate. With a wave, I brought the Master Sword floating in to the cave. I sent it hurtling towards the Usurper, knowing that triumph was finally at hand.

The Sword sliced through the Usurper like a knife through butter. As it pierced through his heart, he screamed. It was the scream of a man getting part of him taken away. It was then that I knew exactly what was going on. The Master was merely reclaiming what was his. He was reclaiming the Triforce.

Finally, the Sword clattered to the floor, leaving the Usurper a lifeless husk. I felt immensely satisfied with myself. There had been a bit of a problem when the Usurper had managed to control Ganon, but in the end, we pulled through. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to fight the boy in green again. I doubt I will ever feel as exhilarated as I did in the Sealed Grounds.

The Master Sword, meanwhile, was beginning to crack. It was unable to keep Master in check. Not now. Not with the Triforce.

Finally, inevitably, the sword shattered. This was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for for millennia. The darkness emanating from the sword began to take shape. Flaming hair. Black scales. It was glorious. Master had returned.

As he began to take a conclusive shape, I knelt in adoration. Barely able to contain my joy, I said “Welcome back, Master.”

Master turned around to observe me. “The bloodlines of the hero and the Princess are eliminated?”

“Dead and imprisoned forever, master.”

The Master threw back his head and laughed. “Then it is done. Nothing can oppose us. Excellent work… Ghirahim.”

And with that, Demon King Demise held out his hand. Dutifully, I transformed into my true form. And with that, we two, swordsman and blade, King and subject, master and servant, strode out to claim the world.

Thoughts: I had this idea floating around for a while, namely Ghirahim staying alive and being Ganon's trident. Then I realized he'd be pretty pissed when Yuga took over, given that he's not an incarnation of Demise's hatred. I figure that if Link didn't get Yuga, Ghirahim would've. Also my god I wrote that fast!

Edit: Okay, seriously, how do I do spoilers?!

I assume this is the downfall timeline, due to Yuga, but Vaati was never resurrected in that timeline.

In addition, Onox and Veran were acting under the orders of the Twinrova to light flames that would help ressurect Ganon from the dead after the events of ALttP.

It's good outside the weird continuity though.

Edited by Glaceon Lord
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Posted · Hidden by eclipse, April 25, 2015 - Will be reshown on Monday
Hidden by eclipse, April 25, 2015 - Will be reshown on Monday

I assume this is the downfall timeline, due to Yuga, but Vaati was never resurrected in that timeline.In addition, Onox and Veran were acting under the orders of the Twinrova to light flames that would help ressurect Ganon from the dead after the events of ALttP.It's good outside the weird continuity though.

Really? Crap. Well, I guess pretend that part doesn't exist then?

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Posted · Hidden by eclipse, April 25, 2015 - Wil be reshown on Monday
Hidden by eclipse, April 25, 2015 - Wil be reshown on Monday

Really? Crap. Well, I guess pretend that part doesn't exist then?

Let's face it, no one completely understands Zelda's timeline. It's ridiculously messed up.
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Erm, blah, if that was your entry could you repost it on Monday? The competition wasn't supposed to officially start until Monday and we're not supposed to post our stories until then.

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Erm, blah, if that was your entry could you repost it on Monday? The competition wasn't supposed to officially start until Monday and we're not supposed to post our stories until then.

Oh, okay. Sorry.

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Congrats to everyone who participated, I enjoyed reading through the entries! I'm going to go ahead and put up this week's prompt early cause I know it takes a while to write stuff and I would like to let others have a chance. Please be aware that the contest doesn't officially start until Monday though, so if you complete your story before Monday, don't post it until then.

This week's prompt is: A character's weapon suddenly has the ability to speak to them and others; how do people react to this? (Optional: how does this affect how the character uses the weapon in battle?)

Things you can do: Any weapon. It's fine to get creative! You can have the weapon communicate however you want. It's also fair game to have a weapon talk through a character, because they're still communicating with people. You can use original characters or preexisting characters.

Your constraints are: You cannot use a weapon that already has some way of communicating, no matter how the communication is done. However, if you want to use an existing character who hallucinated that their weapon was communicating with them or it was in a dream (and the character's weapon can't communicate through dreams) then that's fair game. You also can't write a backstory for how the character met the weapon, even if it's not explained in canon. If you have a question about this topic, feel free to ask in this thread or shoot me a PM and I'll get back to you ASAP.

The round ends on May 2nd, at 12:00AM EST. Click here to see how much time you have left!

Good luck to all the potential contestants!

EDIT: I've been getting some questions about what is/isn't allowed and I apologize for the confusion. I'm going to try to clear this up a little more for those still wondering.

An example of something that is allowed is a fic where Ragnell somehow gains the ability to speak, which freaks out Ike and friends

An example of something that is not allowed, is a fic of Fi speaking with the goddess Hylia even though we've never seen it, because the Goddess sword was made with communication in mind.

Basically, if the weapon has no sentience from wherever it comes from, then it's allowed. (this applies to weapons who need a specific person to use them but otherwise don't do anything else)

If I can finally get some time, I'll jump on this.

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blah - Do you want me to temporarily nuke your story? I have the ability to hide/edit other posts, so I can fix the spoilers, then reveal your work come Monday (PM me if I forget to do this). Also, while this IS a project thread, try to answer all the things directed at you in one post!

Whether I enter or not will depend on the number of people in the competition. I have a couple of ideas, though.

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blah - Do you want me to temporarily nuke your story? I have the ability to hide/edit other posts, so I can fix the spoilers, then reveal your work come Monday (PM me if I forget to do this). Also, while this IS a project thread, try to answer all the things directed at you in one post!

Whether I enter or not will depend on the number of people in the competition. I have a couple of ideas, though.

That would be great, thanks.

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It looks like you edited your own post, so it's fine.

There's a few missing posts in this topic, which I'll unhide on Monday. If I forget, please hit me over the head via PM! Note that "Monday" is "Monday night, Hawaii time", so that's Tuesday wee hours for most of the US, and Tuesday late morning for Europe.

Edited by eclipse
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Posted · Hidden by eclipse, April 30, 2015 - No reason given
Hidden by eclipse, April 30, 2015 - No reason given

Here is the repost of the story.

Title: Return of the King

Fandom: Legend of Zelda

[spoiler="Here it is, I guess"]

The boy in green jumped up, lightning striking his sword. In the next instant, the blade thrust down, piercing Master through the heart. His essence was absorbed into the sword, trapping him. This was the moment of our defeat. My master had failed. No… I had failed him. Master was beaten, and it was all my fault. If I had a mouth, I would scream.

As I clattered to the ground, the boy in green turned around, and stepped into the portal. In the next instant, he was gone. This battleground had become my existence. There was nothing but a vast expanse of water, and I. And there, for years upon years, I remained. What had become Hyrule was sealed from me.

Some time later (I cannot tell for sure how long) I was given company. Strangers, with hushed voices, entered my realm. They placed something upon a pedestal, paying me no mind. It was not until after they left that I got a good view of it. Light emanated from it. Power, Wisdom, Courage… it was what Master had always desired. It stood here, tormenting me. It was so close, yet I could not reach it. This was the greatest torture of all.

It was not long before I had more visitors. Through a portal to the outside world, a young boy appeared. He was wearing green. I sensed something in him. Then, all at once, the old memory came rushing back at me. This was him. This was the descendent of the boy in green.

No. It couldn’t be. He was younger. Smaller. He lacked experience. He was but a pathetic shadow. My old foe, I realized, was dead, long dead.

Suddenly, magic shot at the boy. Another figure entered my realm. He was tall, and dark skinned. He radiated power and ambition. And, in him, I saw my old Master. “I am Ganondorf!” he proclaimed as he seized the Triforce, “and I will rule the world!”

Then, the greatest indignity of all. He left. This man, who could only be my new master, left. And I was stuck with this imitation of my foe to keep me company. I watched him grow, and yet was immobilized. Revenge, or at least some measure of it, was finally within reach, and yet I could not have it. This was the greatest torture of all.

Some years later, I got more company. The boy had left, and I was mercifully alone again… until they came. First it was a green haired girl, then it was a bizarre fish woman who claimed to be a princess, then it was a giant who could become an unstoppable juggernaut when he rolled into a ball, then a shadow woman who was somehow familiar, and then one who appeared similar to Ganondorf. And somehow, I knew that the more they appeared, the more Ganondorf was losing. It was torture to watch. Master was losing again, and I could not help.

Eventually, the odd people left. I was once again alone… but only for a short time. A giant pig creature then joined me. From interacting with him, I was able to discover that he was actually Ganondorf, now called Ganon. And so he picked me up. I was no longer a sword. I was now a trident. This arrangement, I must admit, confused me somewhat. I suppose it was because I adapted to fit my new Master's fighting style.

Together, Ganon and I shaped the world in our image. We created a world of monsters, of Darkness. It was the Dark World, and we would use it to reconquer what was ours!

And yet, it never happened. Time and time again, we returned. Time and time again, we were defeated. Nothing we did caused us to win. Master created an alter ego in Hyrule, and we lost. We enlisted the help of the General Onox and the sorceress Veran to free us, but they failed. It was at this point that my master lost his mind. The Triforce of Power had made him into little more than a beast. Through all of this, it slowly began to dawn on me that once again, we were losing.

Then, one day, Master and I were forcefully ejected into a new world: Lorule. There was a sorcerer, Yuga, who desired Master’s power. And I could only watch helplessly as Yuga, this usurper, consumed my Master.

Before I could react, Yuga hefted me above his had. It was then that I saw him. The boy in green was back. I was consumed by anger. This was his fault. The time to strike was now.

Yuga and the boy in green charged towards each other, weapons drawn. As I clashed with the weapon of the boy, the Master Sword, a voice appeared in my head. It made me want to jump for joy.

It was Master.

“Ganon has failed. My spirit is gone, consumed by this usurper. You ate to play along. After the Usurper defeats this hero, I will give you the ability to speak even in weapon form. You will know what to do from there.” Master was right. I did know.

Suddenly, I pierced through flesh. I looked down. The boy in green lay dying. I couldn’t believe it. We had won. Lorule belonged to the Usurper. This indignity would not stand.

Some time later

The Usurper sat on his throne, basking in his power. He couldn’t quite believe it. He had won. He and he alone held the triforce. He even had Ganon in his power. Yuga was on top of the world. Nothing could stop him. Such a fool he was. He was a fool to assume that this would last. For he had not obtained the Triforce of Power. He had stolen it.

I decided that the time was now to make my move. My voice rang out through the empty halls, for the first time in eons. “Give it back.”

The Usurper jumped, his face drawn with shock. “Who said that?” he demanded furiously. “Who dares command ME to do anything?!”

I must admit, I found this bold pronouncement to be really quite amusing. Then again, I reasoned, there was no real reason for him to know what I was. I decided to toy with him before I finished. This would be… fun.

That night, the Usurper, still glancing over his shoulder, hung me up on the wall. As he lay down in his bed, the bed of Kings and Queens, I must admit I became incensed. How dare he sleep in the bed that should be occupied by my master? “Give it back.” I demanded, forcefully this time.

The Usurper jumped up in shock. “Who are you? WHAT are you? Show yourself before the King!” he roared.

The very thought of this IMPOSTER as anyone’s king was hilarious to me. Roaring with laughter, I responded “You are no king. Kings sit on their thrones because of their family. You have fought your way to power. I made you king. I MADE YOU KING.”

The Usurper was desperate now. “WHAT ARE YOU?” he demanded, almost tearfully. It was… satisfying, somehow.

“Who I am is not important. What is important is that I have the power to end your miserable life right here and now for your insolence. If you want to live, I really must demand that you GIVE IT BACK.” I ordered firmly. This was the most fun I’d had since I fought the original boy in green back in Faron!

The Usurper, meanwhile, was terrified. He bolted up in his bed, grabbed me, and ran to the gate. He approached two Moblins. “There is an intruder in the castle. You are to find and kill them.” He ordered.

I decided that now was the time to show him my true power. I spoke. “The only intruder in here is him.” I informed the Moblins. He has usurped a throne that rightfully belongs to our Master. In the name of the Demon King, seize him.”

Ever since I was first forged, there has been something in my voice that has influenced creatures of darkness to do my bidding. Through all of my alterations, this has remained consistent. The Moblins raised their spears. The Usurper let out a sharp, nervous laugh. “Is that the best you can do?” he sneered, and raised me to do battle.

I did not budge.

“In the name of His Majesty, kill this usurper!” I ordered. The Usurper’s eyes widened in terror as the Moblin guards rained down blow after blow onto him. In desperation, he turned and fled, casting me aside. I supposed that this was as good a time as any to emerge.

Darkness began to emanate from me as I felt myself gain more and more control. Arms! Legs! Head! How wonderful it felt to walk, to smell, to hear, to feel again! As I turned around, I saw the Moblins standing at attention. “You are to inform every servant of darkness in the land of one thing. Master has returned.” I ordered. Without question, they set about performing their task.

There was still something I had to do. I returned to the castle, hoping it would still be there. It was. The Master Sword, the Blade of Evil’s Bane, stood embedded in the floor. Master was in there. He remained chained by his power. He needed the Triforce. The Usurper had it. Snapping my fingers, I lifted it. The moment of triumph was at hand.

Lifting myself into the sky, I set about locating the Usurper. I could easily sense the location of the Triforce, so it was not hard. The coward was hiding in a cave behind a waterfall. I smiled. My prey would soon be caught. My master would soon return.

As I burst in to the cave, the Usurper jumped. “Who are you?” he spluttered. Ah, yes. The Usurper would not recognize me in my form, would he. I sighed.

“Give it back.”

The Usurper’s eyes widened in terror as he realized who he was facing. I snapped my fingers, and magic essence in the shape of diamonds appeared beside me. With a simple gesture, the diamonds flew forward, pinning the Usurper to the wall.

He now apparently realized that nothing he could do would ever save him. The Usurper slumped, resigned to his fate. With a wave, I brought the Master Sword floating in to the cave. I sent it hurtling towards the Usurper, knowing that triumph was finally at hand.

The Sword sliced through the Usurper like a knife through butter. As it pierced through his heart, he screamed. It was the scream of a man getting part of him taken away. It was then that I knew exactly what was going on. The Master was merely reclaiming what was his. He was reclaiming the Triforce.

Finally, the Sword clattered to the floor, leaving the Usurper a lifeless husk. I felt immensely satisfied with myself. There had been a bit of a problem when the Usurper had managed to control Ganon, but in the end, we pulled through. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to fight the boy in green again. I doubt I will ever feel as exhilarated as I did in the Sealed Grounds.

The Master Sword, meanwhile, was beginning to crack. It was unable to keep Master in check. Not now. Not with the Triforce.

Finally, inevitably, the sword shattered. This was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for for millennia. The darkness emanating from the sword began to take shape. Flaming hair. Black scales. It was glorious. Master had returned.

As he began to take a conclusive shape, I knelt in adoration. Barely able to contain my joy, I said “Welcome back, Master.”

Master turned around to observe me. “The bloodlines of the hero and the Princess are eliminated?”

“Dead and imprisoned forever, master.”

The Master threw back his head and laughed. “Then it is done. Nothing can oppose us. Excellent work… Ghirahim.”

And with that, Demon King Demise held out his hand. Dutifully, I transformed into my true form. And with that, we two, swordsman and blade, King and subject, master and servant, strode out to claim the world.[/spoiler]

Well, I was bumping this idea around for a while. I was always enamored with the idea of Ghirahim being the Trident, and with the idea of the place where you fight Demise being the sacred realm. This is the result of that idea. Oh, and if the spoilers don't work, could you please fix them, eclipse?

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