Emmar Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) Alrighty, thought I might as well kick off my stuff here with a little snippet I wrote for someone on tumblr the other day.Fire Emblem Awakening, Chrom-centric, set... whenever you think they could have conceivably stopped to make camp post-chapter nine. (And therefore, spoilers for chapters nine and ten, minimum.) feedback: yes, please! in this topic, thank you. (edit 25/3: cleaned up capitalisation.) He is not being the commander his troops need, he knows, but grief weighs so heavily on his shoulders he’s surprised he can even breathe; It feels as though he’s drowning, a little, and if it weren’t for Lissa, for Frederick and Robin, for Ylisse, he’s not sure if he’d be even this composed. His country needs him now more than it ever has, but his sister is dead and he has been fighting for hours, Falchion bloodied and mud drying slowly between his glove and its hilt. “Chrom?” His instincts rule him in that split second, and it’s only Robin’s hand clamping around his wrist that stops him bisecting her. He blinks up at her as she pries his fingers loose from his sword and then lays her hand against the side of his face; Something in him breaks like a dam and he tips forward, pressing his face against her collarbone and allowing himself to weep. He wakes some time later, head pillowed on something soft and facing the campfire, everyone crowded around it. There is a hand in his hair. “Feel better?” Robin asks quietly from somewhere above him, and as he moves to look at her, he realises it is her hand in his hair, her lap his head is resting in.“A little,” he allows, sitting up with some regret, though robin without hesitation puts her hand atop his.“You’re awake!” says Lissa, beside him, and offers him a tired-looking smile. “We’re telling stories-- about Emm.”“Ah,” he says faintly, then swallows hard and makes himself smile for her. “How about that time--” A better wake Emmeryn could never have asked for, he thinks. Edited March 25, 2015 by Emmar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 This has potential, but...it wasn't pulled off well enough. Is there any reason you made it so short and didn't use capitals anywhere? Capital letters are at the beginning of names and sentences, as we all learned in elementary school...there's other grammar mistakes too, but the story itself needs work. Now if I wouldve wrote it, I would have expanded. Make up a few stories about Emmeryn for them to tell and then you'd have something less...bland. Right now there's nothing notable about this. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but...I didn't want to just read this and ignore it because it needs work like everyone else seems to have done. When people do that, the author/artist likely won't find out how to improve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmar Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) Lack of capitals is mostly because I wrote it on tumblr and I was being lazy. I'd like to know which other grammar mistakes you saw, though. Short because again, tumblr, again, lazy. I didn't make up any stories because a: I'm terrible at those sort of stories and b: I liked it as is; letting the reader fill in any way they like. (Also, it's been a while since i played the game and I don't trust my grasp on what little of Emmeryn's character we saw to make up hilarious childhood stories about her.) I admit, looking over this again almost a week on, it could do with more padding, but I do like parts of it. Brevity is something of a curse for my writing - most of the things I actually post that I consider finished are between 500 and 1500 words. Thank you for the feedback! (I'm entering the writing competition, so pushing myself to write 1k will be a thing that happens.) Edited March 25, 2015 by Emmar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Really the only other grammar mistakes are where he wakes up, you start a new paragraph each time someone else speaks. And maybe...I can see Emmeryn bringing home a lost puppy or kitten, then it makes a mess in the house or something. Stuff like that. Where her kind heart gets her into trouble, maybe she gave money to somebody and they never paid her back. Or maybe she wasn't always that calm and serene. Kids do crazy stuff. Use your imagination. Fyi, for your writing competition entry, use capitals and stuff. The "It's tumblr and I'm lazy" excuse won't fly there. And hey, don't feel bad. I suck at length too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magical Glace Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) If it's enough to illustrate the importance of capital letters, I turned away the moment I noticed. It gives a bad impression of your work off the bat, if the writer is too lazy to hold shift a few seconds, how can I believe they are putting effort into writing a good story? Edited March 25, 2015 by Glaceon Armamentalist Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moishe Oofnik Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) If it's enough to illustrate the importance of capital letters, I turned away the moment I noticed. It gives a bad impression of your work off the bat, if the writer is too lazy to hold shift a few seconds, how can I believe they are putting effort into writing a good story? That and...(This post appointed to OP now) 300~ Words for a full story is rather short it can work well as just an early concept, but as a full on story on a scale like awakening it should be at least roughly 3000-5000 words to cover the entire story shortly with enough screentime to cover all the playable characters and give them some character. Chrom should have more defining traits if he is going to be the protag and he needs fair share of development to work as a good protag... also Im preety sure canonicly Robin is a male you don't need to shove romance into your story when its obvious that the developers pushed that SumiaXChrom is the canon The entire point of the segment you gave us is kinda take this lightly please is kinda Irretional and keeps things that like are not relevant and I like to call them "word filler" I can use other words to cut half some of this pointless information like the "collarbone" and "falchion bloodied and mud drying slowly between his glove and its hilt." for example this things are rather useless information that just acts as pointless "word filler" in order to satisfy your word cap P.S:Im not interested the moment the time traveling lucina arc enters (aka when it gets stupid) If you want to have a limit word cap feel it with content Edited March 25, 2015 by TTPK_Tal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmar Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) I didn't have a word cap, which is why it's so short. It's not meant to be a full story, it's meant to be a little missing scene type thing. (I will clean have cleaned up capitals. It's just way more tedious to do after the fact than while actually writing.) What you call 'pointless word filler' I call, idk, detail work. Little things that make it feel more real, I guess. (Not sure why you think the word 'collarbone' is pointless filler when it's an important descriptor in the sentence, though.) @Dragoncat: I did start a new paragraph for each new speaker. If it was formatted for manuscript, they'd all be indented. Edited March 25, 2015 by Emmar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moishe Oofnik Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) I didn't have a word cap, which is why it's so short. It's not meant to be a full story, it's meant to be a little missing scene type thing. (I will clean have cleaned up capitals. It's just way more tedious to do after the fact than while actually writing.) What you call 'pointless word filler' I call, idk, detail work. Little things that make it feel more real, I guess. (Not sure why you think the word 'collarbone' is pointless filler when it's an important descriptor in the sentence, though.) @Dragoncat: I did start a new paragraph for each new speaker. If it was formatted for manuscript, they'd all be indented. Im preety sure no one narrates stuff that are pointless ever herd about refining and shaving text or you could leant to her shoulder and weeped there is no need for the extra fucking details the point is the same it conveys the same stuff. And dont shove WaifutarXChrom just make it Sumia (Clearly the canon waifu) Edit:Waifu wars rewind my life Edited March 25, 2015 by TTPK_Tal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmar Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) You can't complain that it's short and then also complain that there's pointless shit. If I cut all the stuff that didn't directly convey action it would be about two lines. Most of it is scene setting and introspection. This is also largely a stylistic difference, so. Nope. Gonna keep writing the way I write. There's really no difference between what I wrote and changing it to 'shoulder'. Also, they're different body parts. A: Chrobin master race, fight me. B: This isn't even that indicative of a pairing. Platonic relationships do exist, y'know. Edited March 25, 2015 by Emmar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Some people here like to be dicks...don't listen to them. I ship Chrom and Sumia but you don't see me going around treating Chrobin fans like crap. Can we take the shipping wars elsewhere please? Actually, shipping wars belong nowhere. All they are is flaming and disrespect for others opinions/preferences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moishe Oofnik Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) You can't complain that it's short and then also complain that there's pointless shit. If I cut all the stuff that didn't directly convey action it would be about two lines. Most of it is scene setting and introspection. This is also largely a stylistic difference, so. Nope. Gonna keep writing the way I write. There's really no difference between what I wrote and changing it to 'shoulder'. Also, they're different body parts. A: Chrobin master race, fight me. B: This isn't even that indicative of a pairing. Platonic relationships do exist, y'know. A.Shoulders arent Bones they are areas B.Stop the Waifu Wars C.What you wrote isnt the thing that Implys a platonic relationship D.Im not forcing you Im just saying what I found troubling E.Leaning to that specific area in the human body is quite absurd F.Like the term underdevloped there is also the term overdeveloped and your going into too much detail isnt exactly a good thing "A man played CoD" See short sentence that says what we need to know "A man played CoD using a mouse he pressed Left click to shoot he pressed left click with his finger that finger moved the mouse slightly" Says what we need to know and 9000000000s other things we dont need to know Edited March 25, 2015 by TTPK_Tal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emmar Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) At this point it really feels like you're arguing just to argue. Pressing your forehead against someone's collarbone is both easy and natural. How much or how little description I put in is, again, (largely) stylistic. It's nowhere near purple prose, so I'm not inclined to pare it down. (I don't actually ~ship~ anything, per se, but Chrobin was my first pairing in my first playthrough and I've a soft spot for it.) Edited March 25, 2015 by Emmar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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