eclipse Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 There, I put it together with a chart. Since there's four entrants, only one vote may be cast. Not like the poll will allow you to choose more than one person~! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunwoo Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 That's a really nice chart, and will be useful in the future. Thanks, eclipse! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magical Glace Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Late but If Boron cancels it I'll just reboot it. And rally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonymousSpeed Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm interested, I just didn't really want to do this prompt. Anyway, better read the stories before voting... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rapier Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'd participate if only I could get the ideas at the right time, and not the second before voting phase. Oh, and laziness and a couple of other things. As for this round, I think it'd have been better if people had more time, because most people rushed their works and it hurt their prompts' quality. Too late now, I guess. I might comment on them after voting phase is over (I'm not sure if I can comment before it is over). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Yes, you can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jankmaster98 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'd love to hear some comments on my work, but I can wait if that's better. Though tbh I'd also like to hear them now a little bit... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonymousSpeed Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Well, I haven't actually watched a single episode of Game of Thrones, or read a single book, so I don't know exactly how much input I can give, but overall, I thought it offered the most...substance, I suppose, felt the most complete, or something. Blah's I really like a history piece, but unfortunately, it's not really...a character piece. You know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 (edited) This is my first time reading everyone's stories. I put them in order of what I thought was best to what could use more improvement. Well, despite me knowing little of Game of Thrones, I liked jankmaster's story the best. I got the sense of the emotions the characters were going through and I had the image of the setting, even though it could use more description. I liked the topic discussed, overall, I liked it. Eclipse's had great characters and some interesting ideas, though it felt like it was lacking something. The scope of the quest was a little too big for the medium chosen I think, and it sacrificed a lot of description for its characters. The ending kind of felt out of nowhere. A smaller scale adventure would have been better, but still, not bad. Eclipse even admitted the faults in her own post. Blah's was the opposite of Eclipse's, he did a good job summarizing a large period of history with much description, but it had little character to speak of. If the goal of it was to bring my attention to a little known part of history, then job well done, but I didn't feel the characters. It was hard to get a picture of anything in Sunwoo's story, maybe it was all put in part one, but I didn't really feel attached at all to the setting or characters. It definitely felt rushed. Perhaps I should read part one, but I can't see it improving my opinion much. I also have a personal gripe with settings or groups called "The [capitalized common noun]," but I didn't let it affect my vote. I'm ready for you guys to tear mine apart next contest. Edited September 3, 2015 by Knight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunwoo Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Part 1 doesn't have anything to do with Part 2. The Ensemble stories are basically me getting some practice writing about this original world and the characters in it so when I have time to start writing this seriously I'm not fumbling around. As for it being rushed, I did say I literally pulled the story out of my ass in about an hour just for the sake of writing something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Part 1 doesn't have anything to do with Part 2. The Ensemble stories are basically me getting some practice writing about this original world and the characters in it so when I have time to start writing this seriously I'm not fumbling around. As for it being rushed, I did say I literally pulled the story out of my ass in about an hour just for the sake of writing something. I know that, I'm sure you could write something better, but I have to judge it as what it is anyway. Practice makes perfect though, nothing ever written is worthless if you learn something from it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunwoo Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm merely responding to your statement about it feeling rushed. Because it was. I'm aware it's far from great. Also, why does the second sentence even exist? I didn't even remotely hint that I felt what I wrote was worthless, and it feels like you're preaching to me something I am already aware of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knight Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm merely responding to your statement about it feeling rushed. Because it was. I'm aware it's far from great. Also, why does the second sentence even exist? I didn't even remotely hint that I felt what I wrote was worthless, and it feels like you're preaching to me something I am already aware of. Sorry, it's a force of habit. My peers that have written things for me to read often don't respond well to criticism, so I've built a habit where I say things that try to encourage them. I underestimated you and I apologize for that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jankmaster98 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) Congrats eclipse! Looks like you got this one! Hope you got a good prompt for the next cycle! Edited September 5, 2015 by jankmaster98 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Uh, thanks everyone. . . Ahem. Gimme a bit to post the next prompt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonymousSpeed Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Mkay. ... Has it been a bit yet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Yeah, had to finish up some other stuff. Check the actual competition thread! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 . . .and up~! The entries Since we have six entrants, we'll have Math.ceiling(6/5) votes = two votes per person! Writers, don't vote for yourselves. Everyone else, have at it. Voting ends on October 2 at 9:00 PM, or when I get home, whichever one happens second. Rewind this post by roughly an hour and a half, and add five days, 'cause clipsey's running late for bed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magical Glace Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Sorry I couldn't participate, I really had zero inspiration. I'll vote at least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy_One Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 (edited) Alright! Review time! [spoiler=Blah] Okay. First off... Blah... You REALLY need to cut back on the history/alternate history. It's... confining. Anyways... As was pointed out prior there are time errors, but I'm not going to hold that against you. Neither am I going to hold the formatting against you. However... Noah Wiener? Seriously? I know AA does a lot of name puns, but this one... Ugggg... -1 respect. Same with I.M.N.Payne. Heck, Winston could have actually worked here. Next up, maybe my memory of the AA games is wrong, but Von Karma firmly believed that EVERYONE was guilty and winning was all that mattered. This doesn't quite line up with that as only a few rotten apples got through. It would have been a bit more establishing if he had also prosecuted someone innocent (say, the wife/child who had no idea or, otherwise, didn't do anything really wrong). Heck, since you're going alternate history maybe you could have had him prosecute Schindler or something. Next up, he's telling this story to Franny but she... isn't there. She doesn't respond or add in something and this is a huge flaw. It makes the story weird to read and robs a lot of potential agency. Maybe you could have, say, shown Franny confused and questioning before being outright silenced by her father (hinting that she isn't like him) or him pushing her sadistic streak to come forth more or... something. Anything really. The biggest shortcoming, though, is just how much history is in this. Look, thankfully I'm decently knowledgeable about these things being a history lover myself (admittedly, more inclined towards the weird/ancient side than post 1800's history), but imagine coming into this not knowing these people at all. So much is dependent upon backstory and there isn't even standard tropes to fall back on to fill in the gaps. I get that I did this with my two recent stories but that was part of the point there. Here it's just... cumbersome. [spoiler=AS]As you said, this is more of a prologue... And I really don't think it's fair to judge it as anything but. If it were a story I'd say that it feels a bit... dull. Sure, there is some intrigue but it seemed more... well... basic and like it was setting up for a larger story. I don't know if I'd consider it vote-worthy but I don't see anything terribly wrong with it as a prologue either. [spoiler=knight]I don't really have too much to say about this. It felt like something out of Witcher for one, but otherwise... it's the standard knight-errent adventure. Nothing wrong but, well... a story that's been told before plenty of times. It's good and I don't have any real issues one way or the other. Well... I liked the fight scenes as you worked well to keep them interesting and carrying weight through and through. I liked them, but I like action scenes in general. [spoiler=Jank]First off, name pun. Ow. Otherwise... I liked it through and through. First time I've seen a western story that didn't involve a shirtless cowboy and some lonely ranch woman. As such I don't know what really to say. Everything felt nice and to the point. Honestly... not much more I can say beyond 'good job'. Edited September 29, 2015 by Snowy_One Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blah the Prussian Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 @Snowy: Hoo boy, that bad, huh? First of all, I include history in so much of my writing because I like it. This is not alternate history, either, as the existence of the von Karma family does not affect the general course of events. Next, while I.M.N. Payne was a little egregious, it seems in line with me. Also, Noah Wiener is not a pun, it is my name. Thanks for that. Next, Franziska does not respond to anything by saying something because the story is told through Manfred talking. It would greatly break up the flow to have Franziska suddenly interrupt. Remember also that if this takes place before the DL6 incident, which it does, Franziska would be extremely young. in ally, I take great issue with your suggestion that the von Karmas were always evil. There is nothing to suggest that anyone before Manfred was evil. I just thought it would be much more interesting if the von Karmas started out as Edgeworth style prosecutors. Finally, there is not a single historical figure here that appears directly, with the possible exception of Mountbatten, but not really. I think you could get by just fine without knowing who the historical figures are, and I don't think that anyone, for example, doesn't know at least the basics of Hitler and Nazi Germany. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy_One Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Firstly... I didn't know that Noah Wiener was your name. In a series less known for name puns I probably wouldn't have cared but... well... 'Know a Wiener' in a Phoenix Wright story fit well enough that I thought it was a name pun. Next up 'interrupting the flow' would have been perfectly fine. The thing is that, well, this is a story being told by Von Karma. If he doesn't interact with the world he's telling the story too, though, there is little point. Why couldn't this just have been a first-person experience as opposed to telling it to someone else third-hand? Also, I don't believe that the Von Karma's were always evil. I believe Franziska wasn't 'evil' so much as she was struggling to be perfect/the best and had her fathers notion pushed upon her. Especially since she does change and try to help actual justice be done. Her father, however, seemed willing to do basically anything to win simply for the sake of winning and hurting people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blah the Prussian Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Firstly... I didn't know that Noah Wiener was your name. In a series less known for name puns I probably wouldn't have cared but... well... 'Know a Wiener' in a Phoenix Wright story fit well enough that I thought it was a name pun. Next up 'interrupting the flow' would have been perfectly fine. The thing is that, well, this is a story being told by Von Karma. If he doesn't interact with the world he's telling the story too, though, there is little point. Why couldn't this just have been a first-person experience as opposed to telling it to someone else third-hand? Also, I don't believe that the Von Karma's were always evil. I believe Franziska wasn't 'evil' so much as she was struggling to be perfect/the best and had her fathers notion pushed upon her. Especially since she does change and try to help actual justice be done. Her father, however, seemed willing to do basically anything to win simply for the sake of winning and hurting people. I get what you're saying about the point of view. I just honestly prefer the narrator to take a more conversational tone. It's my writing style, and if you don't like it, that's okay. I also wasn't referring to Franziska, I was referring to the earlier von Karmas. It struck me as making for a more interesting story if instead of how Manny's father was a bastard and worked for the Gestapo if he instead he was a good man and the story would be about how Manfred became the bastard he was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy_One Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 To be honest, and this doesn't apply to just your story, some villains are just better when they're pure evil. I mean, imagine trying to staple a tragic backstory to Darth Vader. When we did that we got the winy little brat in the prequel movies that was only slightly redeemed by the CGI show and makes it very easy to replace his entire James Earl Jones voices dialogue with that of a whiny brat. Another, probably better, example is in Howl's Moving Castle where they tried to redeem the Witch of the Wastes. It comes out of nowhere and basically ruined whatever character she had in favor of 'bringing her into the family' as an old woman who is senile. Some villains work with tragic backstories, but some villains should just want to watch the world burn as well. That's something I've really wanted to say for a while; mainly because I see a lot of these stupid 'give the villain a tragic backstory to make him sympathetic' things. You're isn't stupid and competent in its writing though. Just in a good place for me to voice my annoyance at other such stories. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blah the Prussian Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 To be honest, and this doesn't apply to just your story, some villains are just better when they're pure evil. I mean, imagine trying to staple a tragic backstory to Darth Vader. When we did that we got the winy little brat in the prequel movies that was only slightly redeemed by the CGI show and makes it very easy to replace his entire James Earl Jones voices dialogue with that of a whiny brat. Another, probably better, example is in Howl's Moving Castle where they tried to redeem the Witch of the Wastes. It comes out of nowhere and basically ruined whatever character she had in favor of 'bringing her into the family' as an old woman who is senile. Some villains work with tragic backstories, but some villains should just want to watch the world burn as well. That's something I've really wanted to say for a while; mainly because I see a lot of these stupid 'give the villain a tragic backstory to make him sympathetic' things. You're isn't stupid and competent in its writing though. Just in a good place for me to voice my annoyance at other such stories. I probably could have executed it better, yeah, but the idea struck me kind of late. Again, the whole point of the story is as a backstory to Manfred von Karma, and I didn't want to write about how the father of Manfred von Karma was a Nazi. Also, in my opinion Manfred was never corrupted, because he was way too young to haver his own identity before life punched him in the balls a bunch and he became evil. Also, I'd like to think my story has an advantage over the dreaded prequels in that it doesn't try to use the tragic backstory to make the character more sympathetic. Edgeworth and Franziska were redeemable, because their true selves aren't what Manfred beat into them. Manfred, on the other hand, had his true self beaten into him. He got what he deserved, and I hope the story reflects that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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