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“Dimitri, why are we dancing?” asked a young Edelgard.

“To playfully establish our relationship!”

“No, I mean, why dancing specifically?”

Silence.

“Edelgard, we’ll be friends forever, right?”

She gave him a look.

“Forever? Forever? Forever? Forever? Forever?”

“...you done?”

“Forever?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“I still don’t understand, Edelgard,” C.C. said.

“It’s quite simple, really,” she explained. ”I’m the daughter of the emperor of Adestria.”

“Then why are you at Garreg Mach?”

“Well, Fodlan consists of three nations: Adestria, Faerghus, Adrestia, Leicester, Adrestia, whatever they’re calling the setting of Fates nowadays, and Adestria. My father is the Emperor of Adestria, which meant he had many wives. Of course, that came with its own problems.”

==============

If I have to watch one more episode of Bridezillas, I’m gonna saw my own arm off.

==============

“I and a bunch of my brothers and sisters lived together in the palace—and by the goddess we were motherlicking adorable. Nunnally and I shared the same mother.”

==============

“NUNNALLY! WE HAVE TO KILL THE TOOTH FAIRY!”

Every day, I pray I was adopted.

==============

“But then, the noble houses of Adestria seized power from my father, and my Mother, Uncle, Nunnally and I were sent to live with King Lambert of Faerghus, a great man with only one flaw: his son.”

“I can survive solely on a diet of cheese and lighter fluid!” Dimitri cried from across the monastery.

“After a tragic slip ‘n slide incident, I was sent home, only to immediately be subjected, along with my siblings, to torturous Crest experimentation.”

================

“THAT SMARTS!” shouted a young Edelgard, as Solon injected dark energy into her body.

================

“The kingdom wasn’t doing much better in my absence...”

================

Thales sat on his throne, thinking.

What’s that...Faerghus? Something about...Faerghus?”

“We’re assassinating the ruling elite of Faerghus!”

Yeah, nailed it!

================

“A few years later, I was sent to live and study here, right in the belly of the beast. But, secretly, I run an elite underground team dedicated to toppling the Church of Seiros!”

================

“If anyone wants some pizza bagels, just send me an email!” Kronya said.

================

“And...that’s pretty much it! No gaping plot holes at all.”

“But—“

“AT ALL!”

“But what about your friends? What about Dorothea, and Caspar—“

“NO ONE CARES ABOUT CASPAR!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“You know what would suck?” Young Dimitri said. “Having white hair.”

Edelgard stared at him.

“You know what would suck even more? Having white hair and a drastically shortened lifespan!”

Edelgard stared at him.

“You know what would suck even more? Having white hair and a drastically shortened because of the experiments that killed all your siblings!”

“Dimitri!”

“Yeah?”

“You’re absolutely right.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“You’re leaving, professor?” Edelgard asked worriedly. 

“It’s just for a faculty meeting. I’m sure you kids can go a day without supervision.”

Three hours later, the monastery was in flames.

“CLAUDE, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”

“But you told me to do it!”

“Liar!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“I need your help. Can you come here?” Edelgard asked.

“I can’t. I’m buying clothes,” Dimitri replied.

“Well, hurry up and come over here.”

“I can’t find them.”

“...what do you mean, ‘you can’t find them?’”

“I mean, I can’t find them. There’s only soup.”

“Well then, get out of the soup aisle!”

“All right! You don’t have to shout at me!”

Edelgard listened to his footsteps over the phone.

“There’s still more soup!”

“Go to the next aisle!”

“More soup!”

“Where are you?!”

“I’m at soup!”

“What do you mean you’re ‘at soup!?’”

“I mean, I’m at soup!”

“What store are you at?!”

“I’m at the soup store!”

“WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!”

“I WILL TAKE THAT HEAD FROM YOUR SHOULDERS, AND HANG IT FROM THE GATES OF ENBARR!!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“You wanted to see me, Archbishop Rhea?” Edelgard asked.

“Yes, and I’ll be blunt with you: you have to stop killing people.”

“...why?”

“Because mother is sick and tired of reaping all their souls. You’re killing them faster than she can put them away. We may have lost a few.”

Nemesis gave a thumbs up from across the room.

“Wait, how did he get in here?”

“That’s not important. What IS important is that you stop killing all the wrong people.”

“So what you’re saying is...”

“Yes?”

“I need to kill all the right people!”

“No.”

 

Edited by KnightOfNohr

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1 hour ago, Dragoncat said:

@KnightOfNohr This is some glorious shitpost where is it from?

Oh, I wrote it myself. It’s a bonus chapter in my fanfiction.

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9 minutes ago, KnightOfNohr said:

Oh, I wrote it myself. It’s a bonus chapter in my fanfiction.

YAAASSSS.

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    [BODY_DETAIL_PLAN:STANDARD_MATERIALS]
       [USE_MATERIAL_TEMPLATE:HORN:HORN_TEMPLATE]
    [BODY_DETAIL_PLAN:STANDARD_TISSUES]
        [USE_TISSUE_TEMPLATE:HORN:HORN_TEMPLATE]

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"Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say.” 

Puddleglum, The Silver Chair

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I headcanon male Byleth has his sperm count halved, while female Byleth is slightly more fertile than average
 
KassieYesterday at 10:13 PM
Oh interesting
How come?
 
DragoncatYesterday at 10:13 PM
Sothis' presence
Female goddess + male vessel = confused system and testosterone cuts
Female goddess + female vessel = double whammy
 
KassieYesterday at 10:17 PM
Ooh!
That makes a lot of sense
:meowopenmouth:
 
DragoncatYesterday at 10:17 PM
It's particularly annoying to him when he wants a kid
He has to take vitamins lol
But when that kid is born, he sees it as nothing short of a miracle
 
KassieYesterday at 10:18 PM
Awww
:ameowhappypaws:
 
DragoncatYesterday at 10:19 PM
I even figured Jeralt would send a robin down with a flower in its beak, the same flower that was his wife's fav, as a "Dad's here and he's proud" for Byleth to look out the window and see during the birth
A robin. Orange belly to match the orange tunic
Doop
Poke. Sorry if I seem impatient lol but I want you to reply before I go to bed because that last bit is dawww
 
KassieYesterday at 10:30 PM
Awww
That's super cute  :heart:
DragoncatYesterday at 10:34 PM
Female Byleth can see it walking out of the infirmary
 
KassieYesterday at 10:34 PM
:pikasparkle:
 
DragoncatYesterday at 10:35 PM
It's probably sweeter with male Byleth tho, since he's hindered
"I'm about to meet...my very own miracle. Dad, I wish you were here for this."
glances out the window
sees it
smiles
 
KassieYesterday at 10:36 PM
OMG
Yeah
Cuteeee

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11 hours ago, The Roger The Paladin said:

Everytime I see this topic, my attempt to participate proves fruitless because I coincidentally haven't copied anything and therefore can't paste it.

Same. Usually the only time I can post in this topic is when I’m modding Dwarf Fortress, because that’s one of the only times I copy stuff.

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Saturday: - One of the levels in Fates appeared to take place in this dream realm, except that units could still earn experience there. The boss and seeming master of the realm tried to explain it away, but gave up. There were two or three trampolines in the area that for some reason reduced the stats of units that stayed on them, although it was the master who told Corrin this, and not the game. The net gun was added, although it was square and the effect wasn't all that impressive. It allowed units other than Niles to capture enemy units which was helpful since one of the alternative victory conditions was to capture the boss instead of killing him. A building could be added on the map similar to MyCastle, except during the fight. Three new units were unlocked by doing so; this monkey, some brown haired female that had an art style slightly different from the normal game, and this excitable guy named Yuri who was a cavalier and had a fish-themed mask and armor. - When the master was captured, all of the 3DS shapeshifters goofily argued with each other about who would get the trampoline(s), with the reason mostly being which animal would get the most hits on youtube and the like. The master deadpanly piped in that he had three, and they could share. Cue a beat, them scrambling to have fun, and continuing the argument, albeit more jokingly this time. When Corrin asked why he told them that, the former boss asked him to wait. Abusing offscreen shenanigans, the master escaped, knocked each of the shapeshifters out in one strike, and captured them, commenting that he waited until their stats were reduced to the point they were easy pickings, and that it was a strangely intuitive way of kidnapping even powerful opponents. Unfortunately for him, Niles saw his opportunity to recapture the master and earn some extra experience for saving others, and decked the guy in the face.

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