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Feedback for A Marriage Of States


Damosel
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I'm going to comment on a more technical level.

I think you're doing too much telling and not enough showing. There's a LOT of description in your work and you overkill it quite often. I understand that you want to paint a vivid picture but I prefer if my mind does more work than my eyes. It keeps me engaged a lot more. Otherwise, I get bored since nothing is left to the imagination.

So show. Don't tell.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Going to drop some comments as well. I try to stay away from SF as long as Europe hasn't acquired Fates yet but I figured I should give some of my thoughts of your recent chapters.

All in all, it's still the same praise and complaints. You have excellent world-building (with the addition of the Nohrian gangs and the background of the Hoshidan ronins) and depictions but still a very slow pace, even though we have gotten to "action". Since all the actions are hidden by layers and layers of text, it's easy to miss it and you do scatter good moments inbetween your massive descriptions of the scenery. For someone who can picture easily, I imagine it's a feast but if you still keep at 80% descriptions, I tend to forget what is going at the moment.

Your dedication to research shows pretty well, with the miniscule details you have. But as I said before, too long of plot-building causes loss of interest.

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  • 4 weeks later...

There's so much potential in the premise of the story, that nothing is done with. it could have easily been the game of thrones of FE.

I actually know of a fanfic that does a wonderful job of immersing you in the the world of Fates, yet it's like I'm looking at a cardboard backdrop when I look at it in the game. It's superficial and is just there.

Here's the fic,https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11389483/1/Into-A-Walled-Garden

The main fic of Dameceles's universe, Into a Walled Garden, is pretty much exactly what you're looking for. Very political, and amazing character explorations, especially for Marx/Xander and Hinoka. The side stories are where the smut happens, and even then they have very good characterization and lots of interesting worldbuilding. I highly recommend the AMOS series, even if you only read Into a Walled Garden.

Posted these here cause it always blows my mind when there's unsolicited praise/recommendations for my fic.

Zero was fine.

In fact I forgot to post about Chapter 6.

Overall, Chapter 6 was amazing. I like the hint that Zero was part of that blue gang that is no longer operating (Or at least I believe that was hinted at XD). I also like with what you did with Ganz. I felt his place as one of Garon's main men was weird.

And may I say, Elfie and Joker make the weirdest couple ever but it is amazing and I can't wait to see what you do with other couples.

(I remember seeing you post some pairings on the Fan Fic thread in the Fates section and a lot of them seem weird at first, but now I can't wait to see how they work (Like Drage and Yuugiri, very unexpected)).

Sorry for not being as detailed on Chapter 6, it has been a while since I read it.

No worries over ch6, glad you'd liked it! I too just can't get over how the game treats Ganz... yeah. Haha, they are a weird couple, but I think Joker expressing interest in anyone except his master will always feel a bit off- as far as their game supports go, I like that she's the one who pushes him around (rather than the flipside). In this verse both Elfie and Joker have been living in the same castle for a while, so there was at least a longer period where they got to troll know each other.

I definitely am aware I write on the wordy side and can go overboard on the details... But as far as IAWG is concerned, I often elaborate on locations/scenes because it's the POV character's first time seeing it/being there/experiencing something. It's new and different so they pay extra attention. And because of the limitations of POV some things I can't so much show- like internal reactions (sometimes it shows up in the dialogue/physical actions, but there's a lot of thoughts that just stay in the character's mind). Same goes for some exposition setting explanations, I can't show the caste/ronins in a scene where Hinoka goes out- cause they're all the way over in Hoshido. And even then a foreigner like Leo wouldn't know about most of the situations/history so wouldn't suspect, so for now, I needed Hinoka to explain it to him. Not the most thrilling way, but it's been set out so now I can go forward with the Trade Arc.

Thank you for the feedback and critique though! I'm always striving to improve. And am seeing if I can't apply some things to the WIP next chapter.

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