It's a Fic... and it sucks, because I suck, and I admit that.

[Astrid]

Okay before I post the link I need all of you to know straight off the bat; I am a terrible writer. Okay, now that you know that; Here is my novelization of Fire Emblem 7/Rekka no Ken/Fire Emblem in North America. I have the first nine chapters already posted, I am trying to deviate from the rigidity of the game while absolutely keeping to the core plot as well as taking a more medieval-realist approach to the FE world, something that I'm currently failing at. Anyway, have a look... Please?

And judge me, seriously. I need it. (I have a beta starting for yet unreleased chapter ten so quality should go up!)

[vonretic]

It is nice to see people like you writing about FE and I'm really glad that you take your time and write all this. I cam here just to wish you luck and say to you to keep going if you like what are you doing, but unfortunately I'm not going to judge nor critic you because, just simple as its sound, I'm not a person who really likes to read. Although I've read the first Chapter and I thought its pretty OK, you introduced Lyn quite good in the first Chapter, my only problem was that you should have expanded a little the fight and also make Mark skills as a tactician come forward from this chapter so the reader can make a image of how good Mark is from the first chapter(because just like in the games, readers might put themselves in Mark's shoes, Mark becoming the character that makes it possible for the reader to interact with the story), but I also realize that you can do that in the chapters to come, and maybe you even did that. But yet once again good luck and keep writing if you have audience or if you like what are you doing.

[eclipse]

I'm just gonna stick with the first chapter, because that's all I have the energy for.

- I do NOT like fanfiction.net as a site, but this isn't your fault.

- You switch PoVs pretty freely. For example, "She laughed lightly, he imagined it was foreign to a Sacaean Nomad, and was not offended." is from Mark's point of view, while "She noted he was extremely polite, and spoke in a manner not dissimilar to her late mother, though she quickly pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind." is from Lyn's point of view. I'm not sure how everyone else views this, but to me, it's a bit jarring.

- The two sentences I picked also have the same structure, which is three semi-related thoughts separated by a comma. It's not too bad when used sparingly, but it seems to be a recurring pattern. Like the previous point, it's a bit jarring for me, but I can't speak for everyone else.

- Next point of interest: "They must have come down from the Bernese mountains." It was a statement of fact, he noted. "T-they must be planning to raid the local villages, I have to stop them!" The sentence sandwiched between the quotes doesn't add to Lyn/Mark/the plot. If you want a separator, perhaps you can describe something that one of them is doing physically. For example, "They must have come down from the Bernese mountains." Lyn clenched her hands into white-knuckled fists and frowned. "T-they must be planning to raid the local villages, I have to stop them!" Even though it's indirect, it shows what Lyn is thinking, without you the narrator telling the audience what's going through her head.

- This part amused me: He was standing, a slow gait to his movements, pain racing down his body as he did so, but he did not allow it to show. Quickly the man passed his eyes over the tent, seeing his tunic and cloak, he was thankful she'd left his pants on.

- Not sure why Mark kept referring to her as "my lady" during his dialogue, despite the fact that Lyn introduced herself as a nomad. He knows of the nomads, and they don't seem like the type that would be comfortable about being called that. Doubly so if Lyn had been hiding her past to everyone else on the plains.

- She nodded, the katana slipped from its sheath at her side soundlessly as she stalked forward like a predator, her movements were as natural as they were graceful, using the stealth afforded to her by the tall grasses and the camouflage afforded to her by the light browns, greens and blues of her robes and boots that concealed her from the bandit in the distance. This needs to be separated. I'd go with the following: Lyn nodded, as the katana silently slipped from its sheath. She slowly crept towards the bandit in the distance, using the stealth afforded to her by the tall grasses and the camouflage afforded to her by the light browns, greens and blues of her robes.

- First battle scene isn't bad, until this showed up: She stood behind the bandit as he fell the second time, the meat of his body cleaving in two as she flicked her sword arm hard, the red droplets of his lifeblood dripping off to stain the emerald sea. I'd imagine that she'd leave him in a pile of his own entrails, instead of full-on cutting him in half.

- Where did Mark get that sword from? I kind of got the sense that he picked it up in the confusion of battle?

- Your fic could use some serious grammar clean-up. It sounds like you have a lot of ideas, but they flow one after the other. If you want some real-life examples about uh, cutting things, get a meat cleaver and go nuts on a raw chuck roast. While a trained swordswoman will definitely have better strength, technique, and blade, it's not easy to cut through a lot of muscle, internal organs, and bone.

- What you do right: Descriptions. Which is something that I suck at.

. . .and I'm out of time.

[Astrid]

Thank you for the advice, I leave a few things to be inferred (I assume my readers are intelligent). I'll take this to heart as I continue from this point forward, really. Have to admit this is also the first time someone's said my writing flows too easily.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Miath