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Feedback for Fire Emblem Fates: Double-Edged Destiny


Blue Sun
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This is the feedback topic for Fire Emblem Fates: Double-Edged Destiny:http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=57552. For those who did not go to this older topic right here:http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=56049 and read bits and pieces of the story itself as it progressed and discuss it, this is the place to do that. For anyone who has not spoken with me before, I would like for you to know that I will take constructive criticism if that's what you want to write. You can tell me why you (dis)like something in the story and you may explain why you feel like that (you can choose not to though I would really like if you did), but I will not tolerate meaningless rants or irrational hatred at all. Everyone has preferences and we should respect them to maintain a healthy discussion and avoid clawing at each other's throats. That is all I would like to say for now other than I await your thoughts on this story.

Edited by Blue Sun
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You work fast. I've only been gone for a week and you've already finished the chapter. Sorry I took so long with the reply, I've been kinda busy. I think Taka-kun has already pointed out whatever issues I had with the story, so I can safely say that I greatly enjoyed reading it. I'm also curious about something.

When Felicia mentions "Great Grandmaster Sub-Zero", is she talking about Bi-Han or Kuai Liang? And also, is he an ancestor/the one who created the Ice Tribe, or is he like a mentor to Felicia? I like to know about the lore behind the stories.

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Jesus, I didn't know you had written several chapters. I will have to go through each chapter separately and it might take some time.

So from chapter 0: I didn't realize it before but you have very little monologues. It's quite understandable since you don't really have a main character but then you have to rely on dialogues only. I also suggest describing the environment and the surroundings more to make breaks between the dialogues, since reading continous dialogues makes it easy to lose focus on who is talking. The last paragraph is prime since it blends dialogue and action.

The Kill Bill reference feels out of place since it's a modern reference. I would suggest "going oni" or the like, since they are Hoshidan equivalent of berserkers. Otherwise, I think I already have commented on this before.

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You work fast. I've only been gone for a week and you've already finished the chapter. Sorry I took so long with the reply, I've been kinda busy. I think Taka-kun has already pointed out whatever issues I had with the story, so I can safely say that I greatly enjoyed reading it. I'm also curious about something.

When Felicia mentions "Great Grandmaster Sub-Zero", is she talking about Bi-Han or Kuai Liang? And also, is he an ancestor/the one who created the Ice Tribe, or is he like a mentor to Felicia? I like to know about the lore behind the stories.

I normally don't work that fast either. You don't have to apologize for having other things to do, I can understand. About your question:

Grandmaster Sub-Zero was Kuai Liang in Hoshido's distant past. Fates' Kuai Liang is overall similar to Mortal Kombat's Kuai Liang in his backstory, including elements such as being a former defect of the Ice Tribe who eventually claimed the rank of grandmaster, leading the Ice Tribe into a more morally righteous direction in the distant past. Felicia strives to be righteous like him without compromising those ideals, which is also reflected in her willingness to oppose the Nohrian army's goals (and her belief that Hoshido is generally a good place with good people also helped her make that decision). More information concerning the Ice Tribe in Double-Edged Destiny will be revealed upon more in Nohr's seventh chapter and Hoshido's sixteenth chapter.

Jesus, I didn't know you had written several chapters. I will have to go through each chapter separately and it might take some time.

So from chapter 0: I didn't realize it before but you have very little monologues. It's quite understandable since you don't really have a main character but then you have to rely on dialogues only. I also suggest describing the environment and the surroundings more to make breaks between the dialogues, since reading continous dialogues makes it easy to lose focus on who is talking. The last paragraph is prime since it blends dialogue and action.

The Kill Bill reference feels out of place since it's a modern reference. I would suggest "going oni" or the like, since they are Hoshidan equivalent of berserkers. Otherwise, I think I already have commented on this before.

There's a word count limit for how much you can put into a post (over at FanFiction.net there is apparently no such word count limit exists). I wanted to put them in spoiler tags to save up page space but the spoiler tags themselves get a little wonky at times. I apologize for the lack of monologues present in Chapter 0. There will be more of that in following chapters. I just realized that I didn't do much describing of the environment or surroundings either. And while I normally don't edit major details in a chapter after I publish it, minor things such as grammar errors and certain lines that don't make too much sense (such as out-of-place Kill Bill references) can be replaced in the full story.

Thanks for your feedback guys. I'm working on a quick teaser for the next chapter (Chapter 1a: Blood of Nohr) and I want to present it without having it turn all grainy like the last two teasers I put up before. I have previously used Imgur and I want to see if there is any alternative.

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New teaser is up:

Corrin%20V.S.%20Xander%20Teaser_zpsa0mct

Imgur's not working for some reason, so I'm using Photobucket. I'm very pleased with how the image came out, so I'll be sticking with photobucket for the time being.

Edited by Blue Sun
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  • 4 weeks later...

The newest chapter is up now, both here and over at FanFiction.net. I've been working on some of my other stories which is why it took so long for this chapter to get finished despite being much shorter than the last chapter, but oh well.

EDIT: I'll be posting daily teasers for upcoming chapters in progress. The teasers below are the three teasers I plan to release for Chapter 1b: Family of Light before its publishing. Check 'em.

Kamui Visits Orochi Part 1

Kamui_Visits_Orochi_P1_zpsqx3lara9.png~o

Kamui Visits Orochi Part 2

Kamui_Visits_Orochi_P2_zpsuvn3x8vm.png~o

Kamui Runs into Kazahana

Chapter%201b%20-%20Family%20of%20Light%2

Edited by Blue Sun
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  • 2 weeks later...

New chapter's up, thus concluding the whole Chapter 1 of Double-Edged Destiny. I originally intended for Chapter 1b to have some combat in it, but I've reserved that for Chapter 2b (the title of which is still unknown at the time of this writing). Chapter 2a: Ganglari, the Demon Blade will still have combat in it just like in the source material. Thoughts and comments are appreciated.

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Just want to drop by and say that I noticed your updates, but haven't managed to find the time to properly sit down and read. I promise I will get to it soon.

EDIT:

Finally getting down to it. So beginning with Corrin's chapter:

I like how you started with Corrin's awakening and her morning ritual. An improvement over just amounts of dialogues. I am quite surprised that Corrin is so amicable in this chapter, instead of the blood-lusting warrior in the prologue chapter. It serves to tell me that you have planned much more for her and I look forward to it.

However, I am gonna be honest and say that the rest of the chapter didn't impress me as much. You have a habit of falling into blocks of texts with the numerous sentences disrupting the flow of reading. As such, I skipped much of the fighting scenes since they were kinda uninspirational and you merely told actions than having narrative flow. Add more subjective thoughts and provide more insight on, at least, Corrin's thought-process as she fights, thus giving the reader an idea of her fighting style. Also, space the paragraphs more, find clear places to divide the text.

Kamui's chapter, I am so much more satisfied with, especially with your characterization of him as an airhead. Somehow, I like the monologues Kamui had in your previews more, perhaps because they were more visible and easier to connect to Kamui. I am gonna say here that you are really good at captivating the characters. I loved the Kamui and Orochi interaction, she is such a troll after all and I love it.

What was Yukimura teaching anyway? I thought Kamui was beyond school age by now. You forgot to reverse his name to Sanada Yukimura, if you are going to keep consistent with Japanese naming theme.

The dialogue with Kazahana and Kamui was good as well (honestly, you are good with dialogues), I just imagine Kazahana being more exasperated with Kamui, sharing Sakura's burden of worrying about the hopeless brother. It seems like everyone in the castle is babying Kamui (even Saizou!).

Geez, I should just have wrapped everything in that all the dialogues in this chapter is good (huehue, Hinoka threatening to sleep in Kamui's room :)) ). It's still weird though that Kamui didn't deliver the news first before the whole sparring season. It's kinda important.

Overall, I say your dialogues and characterization are pretty solid, no false steps so far. But the events inbetween (walking, fighting, anything but talking) need more fleshing out, since otherwise it looks like it jumps from talk to talk, without proper break to introduce who is talking. The battles need more fleshing out as well, as I currently only see them as blocks of text.

Glad to see you still continuing this. Keep up the good work!

EDIT2: Might as well mention that your Corrin and Kamui reminds of another sibling duo (guys though), both with good combat abilities and innate understanding of tactics, but one is inflexible and is prone to forceful actions while the other is lazy and too hesitant to act on his skills.

Edited by Taka-kun
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Thanks for the feedback man! Let me just take a minute or two to respond.

I like how you started with Corrin's awakening and her morning ritual. An improvement over just amounts of dialogues. I am quite surprised that Corrin is so amicable in this chapter, instead of the blood-lusting warrior in the prologue chapter. It serves to tell me that you have planned much more for her and I look forward to it.

She's complicated: kind and respectful around her siblings and her vassals, initially put-off others due to unfamiliarity and mostly interacts with them in an almost strictly professional manner, and barely keeps a lid on how much she despises Hoshidans (they piss her off as much as Goku being stronger does for Vegeta early on). She get's better from this condition later on.

However, I am gonna be honest and say that the rest of the chapter didn't impress me as much. You have a habit of falling into blocks of texts with the numerous sentences disrupting the flow of reading. As such, I skipped much of the fighting scenes since they were kinda uninspirational and you merely told actions than having narrative flow. Add more subjective thoughts and provide more insight on, at least, Corrin's thought-process as she fights, thus giving the reader an idea of her fighting style. Also, space the paragraphs more, find clear places to divide the text.

Fair enough man. I tend to do that alot; I think it stems from me wanting to capture the reader's attention and more often than not when I write I feel that sometimes I'm not writing enough to do so, hence the long text. I'm thinking of trimming the scenes in length and some different wording with what you said. Thanks for the tidbit.

Kamui's chapter, I am so much more satisfied with, especially with your characterization of him as an airhead. Somehow, I like the monologues Kamui had in your previews more, perhaps because they were more visible and easier to connect to Kamui. I am gonna say here that you are really good at captivating the characters. I loved the Kamui and Orochi interaction, she is such a troll after all and I love it.

Hearing you say that is a breath of fresh air for me; I'm writing Kamui's life effectively from scratch and I find more difficulty with writing with him than I do with Corrin. That's why I like the Fire Emblem If Text Simulator so much (I had so much fun putting the previews together, I just wish that you could have two different Avatars on-screen at the same time). Kamui's tendencies to not think some things through and not exactly catch on to some stuff is a contrast to Corrin's sharp mind; unless she's thoroughly distracted with fighting she notices everything going on around her and answers come easily to her. Kamui's also a little childish and a dork much like his twin (you'll see socially awkward Corrin later on). I can't count how many times I was laughing at just writing Orochi interacting with Kamui, and I really feel that I've got some character personalities down.

What was Yukimura teaching anyway? I thought Kamui was beyond school age by now. You forgot to reverse his name to Sanada Yukimura, if you are going to keep consistent with Japanese naming theme.

Yukimura teaches typical college/university level subjects like calculus (I'm not even in calculus though), but he focuses more on puppetry and history (especially warfare history which one of Kamui's liked subjects). Kamui's a first year college level student in the story at 18. I had the characters refer to Yukimura by his surname (i.e. Yukimura) so his name in typical Japanese fashion is still Yukimura Sanada (he's rarely referred to by his first name in case you're wondering).

The dialogue with Kazahana and Kamui was good as well (honestly, you are good with dialogues), I just imagine Kazahana being more exasperated with Kamui, sharing Sakura's burden of worrying about the hopeless brother. It seems like everyone in the castle is babying Kamui (even Saizou!).

The two of them get along pretty well, though with Kazahana's being a serious but raging tomboy and Kamui being, you know, they do scare (in Kamui's case) and annoy each other quite a bit (in Kazahana's case). Other than that they're pals. Kazahana does end up looking out for Kamui a lot like most everyone else. He can handle himself fine from time to time but he's pretty hopeless for the time being (he gets better).

Geez, I should just have wrapped everything in that all the dialogues in this chapter is good (huehue, Hinoka threatening to sleep in Kamui's room :)) ). It's still weird though that Kamui didn't deliver the news first before the whole sparring season. It's kinda important.

For all Hinoka cares, she can bunk with Kamui with no detriment to herself or shame. She may as well be a second mother (well-meaning but nagging and way too worried about Kamui to boot as Takumi can attest to). Then again Hinoka's like that to the rest of her siblings here (especially Takumi who she fears is growing up too fast). I think I had Kamui wait until he got the training out of the way; it wouldn't do to have the news hang over the cast while they're in the middle of something. He'll get to it right after the sparring session and right before he gets his birthday gifts.

Overall, I say your dialogues and characterization are pretty solid, no false steps so far. But the events inbetween (walking, fighting, anything but talking) need more fleshing out, since otherwise it looks like it jumps from talk to talk, without proper break to introduce who is talking. The battles need more fleshing out as well, as I currently only see them as blocks of text.

Will do.

Glad to see you still continuing this. Keep up the good work!

EDIT2: Might as well mention that your Corrin and Kamui reminds of another sibling duo (guys though), both with good combat abilities and innate understanding of tactics, but one is inflexible and is prone to forceful actions while the other is lazy and too hesitant to act on his skills.

That sounds about it.

I plan to see this story through to the end. And I'll keep striving to make it worthwhile.

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Teaser for Chapter 2a: Ganglari, the Demon Blade. I'll be uploading teasers as an update on my progress. Also, I know I said that Corrin can be distant sometimes and doesn't make friends easily, that's when she's not in a good mood. Don't expect to see it a lot on her better days.

Meet the Nohrians

Meets_the_Nohrians_Part_1_zpstx1hzjsz.pn

Meets_the_Nohrians_Part_2_zpseerl5ic7.pn

Meets_the_Nohrians_Part_3_zpslwubvltn.pn

Meet the Armor Knight

Meet_the_Knight_zps9mtnhwe1.png~original

Meet the Fighter

Meet_the_Fighter_zpsqysmbe7y.png~origina

Meet the Outlaw

Meet_the_Outlaw_zpsdys2hyvp.png~original

Meet the Dark Mage

Meet_the_Dark_Mage_zpszjqnf5id.png~origi

Meet the Wyvern Rider

Meet_the_Wyvern_Rider_zps0xtode9s.png~or

Meet the Red Mercenary

Meet_the_Red_Mercenary_zpschkihsi8.png~o

Meet the Cavalry Knight

Meet_the_Cavalry_Knight_zpsepif0ag8.png~

Meet the Blue Mercenary

Meet_the_Blue_Mercenary_zpsfxeeaca6.png~

Going to Garon

Meeting_Garon_1_zpsqyajuobh.png~original

Garon

Garon_zpsczixypph.png~original

With the planned teasers out of the way I'll get to work on the rest.

Edited by Blue Sun
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  • 2 months later...

Hello there everybody. Sorry for the long absence, but I'm finally ready to give you guys the next chapter of the story. It had to go through a few revisions before it got here and I feel pretty rusty coming back after so long, but I'm finally ready to get back on track. I've just put up the new chapter over at the proper thread, and feel free to chew it out as much as you want leave some critique about what you liked and what you don't like.

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Hey there. I apologize for not giving feedback on chapters 1A and 1B, I was a little busy with school and then I kinda forgot that this existed. But now I'm back and I'm ready to review this (I'm currently typing on my computer while reading on my phone, so I might make a few typos that weren't present in your fanfic. My responses will be bolded).

(For some reason I'm unable to write below the quotes below, so I'm going to leave my overall comments here instead.)

I was surprised to see Corrin acting so racist, considering how against that Leon is.

Rinka is one of my favorite characters, and I love how you portrayed her. Too bad she isn't that good in the game. Her speeches were really badass and her plan to surrender would be quite smart... if she wasn't fighting someone sadistic like Corrin. I'm interested in finding out how (or if), she and Suzukaze will escape. (What did her family name draw inspiration from, again?)

I really loved this chapter.

"...before Xander knocked on the doors that separated from their king The response...". I think there was supposed to be a period between 'king' and 'The'.
"The old king's eyes scanned those before him until they came upon his second daughter." Just out of curiosity: Did the concubine wars happen in your fanfic? I believe that in the game Camilla mentioned that she was forced to kill some of her (half) siblings (I'll have to re-read the supports later). There's a chance that some of Garon's other children were women older than Corrin and younger than Camilla.
I'm too lazy to type here all of that transformation sequence, but will Kamui and Corrin have to go through that much pain whenever they need to transform into a dragon? I assume not, as Garon said that it would allow her to transform 'without issue', but considering how this is Garon speaking, I don't think pain would be too much of an issue for him.
"...flinging his iron dagger dead in the sword arm of one of the katana samurai Suzukaze commanded" Is 'katana samurai' grammatically correct? I'm not from an english-speaking country, so I'm a little unsure about it. Personally, I'd use 'katana-wielding samurai' instead. Also, samurai usually wield swords and katanas two-handed in-game, so technically both of their arms are sword arms...
""I had hoped you Hoshidans understood what you were getting yourselves into when you invaded Nohr"" Is Rinka considered Hoshidan? From what I can remember, Hoshido and the Flame Tribe only became allies shortly before the game began, just like the Wind Tribe, Izumo, and Amusia are all neutral countries who don't have any part in the war.
""To bad you don't have your backup goons with you this time"" Should have been Too instead of To
""He's hardly in any condition to help Mistress now."" Couldn't he have just used his staff to heal Gunther?
"Father was the only one pleased to see them beaten like the dogs they are. Everyone else looked at me with shock or even disappoitment" Why wouldn't Camilla be pleased by it? She is quite ruthless towards Hoshidans in both Birthright and Conquest, as well as both the original and in the localization (game!Corrin was even disturbed by it)

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Hey there. I apologize for not giving feedback on chapters 1A and 1B, I was a little busy with school and then I kinda forgot that this existed. But now I'm back and I'm ready to review this (I'm currently typing on my computer while reading on my phone, so I might make a few typos that weren't present in your fanfic. My responses will be bolded).

(For some reason I'm unable to write below the quotes below, so I'm going to leave my overall comments here instead.)

I was surprised to see Corrin acting so racist, considering how against that Leon is.

Rinka is one of my favorite characters, and I love how you portrayed her. Too bad she isn't that good in the game. Her speeches were really badass and her plan to surrender would be quite smart... if she wasn't fighting someone sadistic like Corrin. I'm interested in finding out how (or if), she and Suzukaze will escape. (What did her family name draw inspiration from, again?)

I really loved this chapter.

Thanks for the response man! I want to answer some of the things you're curious about before I start the fight scene in Chapter 2b (I did manage to get that far ahead in the second chapter before I finished this one but it's much shorter).

​ The part about Corrin being so racist was something I answered to someone who reviewed over at FanFiction.net. The others know that Corrin is racist toward the Hoshidans but they're surprised to see how much she acted on it the first time she's let out of the Northern Tower. Leon (whose affectionate nickname is the shortened "Leo" in case you're curious about the retroactive name change). Plus, she's aware of how her siblings don't tolerate racism but her father is effectively giving her the green light to be as racist as she wants (there's some small conflict between doing her family and vassals proud and her father proud but that's early story stuff).

​ I never saw Rinka as one of those borderline suicidal proud warriors so I avoided writing her as one. She mentions how she can't die for the sake of her Flame Tribe in the Casual and Classic modes of the game proper. She was cast to be a smarter Akuma/Gouki but with every once of badass he has (I was really tempted to throw in a "I am power made flesh" quote in there but I couldn't figure out where to put it so I left it out). Too bad for her that she doesn't know the true extent of Corrin's hatred toward the Hoshidans. About the escaping part, reread the part about exactly who is escorting them to the dreaded pit. Her family name came from a Chinese deity of the same name (a suggestion from Taka-kun).

​ About the other responses you made, I've made follow-ups below this sentence.

Thanks for catching the typo. It's been fixed.

The concubine wars still happened. The referring of the Nohrian siblings as "first", "second", or "third" is mostly reflecting how they're the survivors of the concubine wars. Plus, Corrin is the in-between sister between Camilla and Elise, making her the second surviving princess (spoilers abound here though). It's like how Kamui is accepted as the "second prince of Hoshido" despite Takumi being Sumeragi's actual second son but with Kamui being accepted as his son anyways.

It won't be as painful if any for every transformation after the first time. Their bodies weren't used to the metamorphosis during the first time it happens, but the dragonstone alleviates that issue (not having a dragonstone on the other hand...).

Katana Samurai was meant to denote between the name I've chosen for the Samurai class proper (like Katana Samurai, Naginata Samurai/Spear Fighter, Yumi Samurai/Archer). It's like "Axe Fighter", "Sword Fighter", and so on. By sword-arm I meant the arm they primarily hold two-handed swords in (such as whether you're right-handed you'll hold the katana in your right hand for the most part or the hand that's closer to the rain guard of a sword). If their sword-arm is damaged, it'll be harder for them to wield the sword even if they're using two arms.

I'd have assumed that they're Hoshidans just by judging from Rinka's own attire. They may not be aligned with the overarching Kingdom of Hoshido's government but they'd at least be in Hoshidan geography. The Flame Tribe and the Kingdom of Hoshido's overarching governing body could be allies if only loosely in certain matters. I consider the Wind Tribe and the Izumites (people from Izumo) Hoshidan even if they aren't the closest of allies, and Amusia would be Nohrian territory in the same bout.

Again, thanks for catching the typo there.

Jakob wasn't on the battlefield at the time while Gunther was. I guess that was weird though that he didn't try healing him in hindsight.

DED!Camilla is still ruthless. It's just the extent of DED!Corrin's racism leading to the beatdown itself that she's not pleased with (Corrin's the token racist of the siblings). Plus, Corrin was more or less torturing the Hoshidans while I see Camilla more as the type to finish off someone quickly despite her ruthless tactics.

​ I don't know why the spoiler tags aren't working, but oh well I'll get that fixed later. I'll still be doing teasers for the story, but now I want to try something like backstory snippets for things unique to Double-Edged Destiny. I'm sure that there's still some things we don't know about the base game itself thanks to not having a complete compendium of all the translated things, but then again Double-Edged Destiny isn't exactly a straight-up novelization anyways (hence the Grandmaster Sub-Zero reference Felicia made in the Prologue). You guys'll be seeing this sort of stuff pretty soon.

EDIT: New stuff.

Chapter 2b - Calm Before the Storm (Teaser)

Chapter_2b_Teaser_zpsapzwqd9z.png~origin

Double-Edged Destiny: Mythologies (Beruka meets Camilla)

Part 1

Beruka_Joins_Camilla_1_zpspzcr7zdd.png~o

Part 2

Beruka_Joins_Camilla_2_zpsghbzvo9c.png~o

Part 3

Beruka_Joins_Camilla_3_zps2sp2hfu6.png~o

Edited by Blue Sun
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  • 1 month later...

New chapter's up in the written works section. Just like the last chapter I changed how it was originally going to be, but by that I mean I added some more to it than what I originally planned.

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Feels like an eternity since I visited the forums of Serenes Forest. Alas, life takes priorities and leaves me no room gushing over an unreleased game (and f*ck USA for getting it earlier than Europe). I have been staying away to perserve myself from the negativity of the forums pertaining Fates, intending to start it with a fresh mindset (and earn money to buy the special edition).

But I decided to pop by here and lo and behold, two chapters out. Glad to see you still trudging on with this. Onwards to reviewing:

Well, I am pretty sure I don't like Corrin. Like at all. The thing is, what is her reason for the die-hard racism? She has been surrounded by loving family and friends yet somehow believe Hoshidans are the reasons for all calamities I am pretty sure she hasn't been exposed to. The fact that the Nohrian family is dissapproving of her actions means that they should have taught her better and I doubt Garon has been spending alot of time with her. I know you are going for a sibling yin-yang perspective but her personality irks me on so many levels, she reminds me of a hammy villain with no real motives.

Speaking of yin-yang, it's quite interesting how you manage to make me like Kamui instead. This young, insecure with hidden potential. It does add bonus points when I think your Hoshidan chapters have more hilarity (Kamui channeling Shulk, I see what you did there). So regarding this chapter, you decided to call usage of Dragon's Vein as "bending"? The usage in your fanfic is much stronger, since the royals seem to use to augument their single combat instead of widespread battlefield applications. More of an "Avatar" feel I guess.

Now you got me very curious with this quick-thinking, analytical mindset Kamui has. What made you decide to grant him that? I don't particularly mind, it's actually cool rather than just mindless trashing.

A recurring problem with your characterization is that, aside from Kamui and Corrin, the others are quite bland. The Hoshidan family for example. Everyone is snarky and sassy, so their dialogues (at least in this chapter, the previous Hoshidan chapter I still like) feel interchangeable. Both Ryouma and Hinoka are hammy and talk alot during fighting, while the game portrays them both as stern no-nonsense warriors, Ryouma calmer than Hinoka. I suggest you look over the characters again and try to be consistent with how they behave.

Wrapping this up, I feel "Family of Light" has overall better quality and you should seek to retrace it, since Yukimura, Orochi and Kazahana were all distinct with funny dialogues. Maybe you shouldn't focus too much on fighting scenes. Still, don't let my critic discourage you. I know you have the ability to make a stellar fic.

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Feels like an eternity since I visited the forums of Serenes Forest. Alas, life takes priorities and leaves me no room gushing over an unreleased game (and f*ck USA for getting it earlier than Europe). I have been staying away to perserve myself from the negativity of the forums pertaining Fates, intending to start it with a fresh mindset (and earn money to buy the special edition).

But I decided to pop by here and lo and behold, two chapters out. Glad to see you still trudging on with this. Onwards to reviewing:

Well, I am pretty sure I don't like Corrin. Like at all. The thing is, what is her reason for the die-hard racism? She has been surrounded by loving family and friends yet somehow believe Hoshidans are the reasons for all calamities I am pretty sure she hasn't been exposed to. The fact that the Nohrian family is dissapproving of her actions means that they should have taught her better and I doubt Garon has been spending alot of time with her. I know you are going for a sibling yin-yang perspective but her personality irks me on so many levels, she reminds me of a hammy villain with no real motives.

Speaking of yin-yang, it's quite interesting how you manage to make me like Kamui instead. This young, insecure with hidden potential. It does add bonus points when I think your Hoshidan chapters have more hilarity (Kamui channeling Shulk, I see what you did there). So regarding this chapter, you decided to call usage of Dragon's Vein as "bending"? The usage in your fanfic is much stronger, since the royals seem to use to augument their single combat instead of widespread battlefield applications. More of an "Avatar" feel I guess.

Now you got me very curious with this quick-thinking, analytical mindset Kamui has. What made you decide to grant him that? I don't particularly mind, it's actually cool rather than just mindless trashing.

A recurring problem with your characterization is that, aside from Kamui and Corrin, the others are quite bland. The Hoshidan family for example. Everyone is snarky and sassy, so their dialogues (at least in this chapter, the previous Hoshidan chapter I still like) feel interchangeable. Both Ryouma and Hinoka are hammy and talk alot during fighting, while the game portrays them both as stern no-nonsense warriors, Ryouma calmer than Hinoka. I suggest you look over the characters again and try to be consistent with how they behave.

Wrapping this up, I feel "Family of Light" has overall better quality and you should seek to retrace it, since Yukimura, Orochi and Kazahana were all distinct with funny dialogues. Maybe you shouldn't focus too much on fighting scenes. Still, don't let my critic discourage you. I know you have the ability to make a stellar fic.

Thanks for the review. I rarely come here myself but that's for reasons not pertaining to life problems, but I see what you mean there. Anyways, on to your review to see what I can answer.

Corrin is indeed a diehard racist toward the Hoshidans, and while the Nohrian Royal Siblings and her retainers did their best to make sure that that didn't happen, Garon has other plans (it's not like he hasn't visited her at all, just not too frequently, but he has a foothold in her personality from her earlier years of being with him at key moments). To her, the Hoshidans are pure evil for all the wrong they did to the Nohrians (and she is really loyal to Nohr), and her perception of the Hoshidan people as a whole being such rat bastards is the basis of her racism towards them in the first place unlike petty stuff she's above like skin color or whatnot. She can get petty toward them but if she wasn't convinced that the Hoshidans were nothing but evil than she'd have better opinions toward them. The other siblings don't like what the Hoshidans did either, but they weren't raised the same way Corrin was (Garon was not as nasty until Corrin came into the picture, spoilers abound). I figured that having her like that would be a form of counter to Kamui's opposing non-racist attitude toward the Nohrians (with a few Nohrians he'll come to absolutely despise), but I can understand that it is off-putting for some. If it makes you feel any better, she does not keep that characteristic throughout the whole story; after all, the Conquest side of things is about how the cast is shifting away from Garon's influence gradually, and that includes Corrin becoming more like the siblings we all know and love. I'll try to have her more positive characteristics known in the future because I really don't want her to be seen as a hammy villain with no motives (I'll admit that I have a thing for hammy villains like M. Bison and a few others but I'm not consciously going in that direction for Corrin, Ghans on the other hand...). But really dude, thanks for being upfront and honest about that part.

The Hoshidan chapters are more or less designed to be more lighthearted than their Nohrian counterparts (not saying by how much though), so there's more humor in them while they themselves are not devoid of dramatic moments, and the Nohrian chapters will have some funny moments to cheer up the dreary atmosphere sometimes (like the upcoming beginning parts of Chapter 3a that I'm working on now). The "hidden potential" aspect of both of the Avatars shows up but not at the same time; they're both inexperienced compared to the others, but because of their on-the-fly thinking they can catch up real quick if the others aren't too careful (Corrin is plenty confident while Kamui needs a few boosts here and there). Corrin was already demonstrated to have such a thinking early on, so I figured that it would be Kamui's turn with this chapter since I skipped out on the previous Hoshidan chapter. "Bending" is more or less the Hoshidan Royal Family using their Dragon's Veins on a much smaller scale (similar to the Avatar series); they're capable of the large-scale type of environment manipulation but the Nohrians will demonstrate that ability more than the Hoshidans while the opposite is true in reverse. This is partially to go with the style of how the Hoshidans frequently employ hand-to-hand combat in their weapon-based fighting styles as opposed to how many of the Nohrians fight almost strictly with their weapons. The few exceptions to the Nohrian's way of fighting is Corrin with her developing kick-based fighting style, Odin with his full-contact magic style, Laslow with his Nohrian-bullfighting-derived ninjutsu (I'll explain that later), and Selena with sword and martial arts mixtures to name a few.

To explain Kamui's fighting style, he's somewhat opposed to fighting and I wanted to base his fighting style as a largely non-confrontational if not treacherous combat style. To balance how the other Hoshidans tend to plan out their every move from the start, Kamui largely goes in waiting to see what his opponent will do next, dodging around and maneuvering through them first until they open themselves up. This is meant to be different from Corrin's similar quick thinking and analytical but more direct and aggressive fighting style, as she likes to pressure her opponents from the start until they crack with a weakness, sometimes leading them astray to create an opening (and you'll see that in this next chapter). Kamui being the wait-until-something-happens reflects how he's not one to take the initiative most times, with many others doing that instead.

Battle tends to make you loudmouthed and boisterous, especially if you're based on the Japanese in Western works (I hope that that didn't come across as, well, you know). I want to get to show off more of their personalities off the battlefield, but I'll better show off that calm warrior mentality. I do want to make them a little different from their game counterparts but similar ('cause I hate exact replications in fiction as I feel that's a bit too easy to write), but you're right, inconsistency with the story's portrayals is an issue. The snark and sass was something I figured was common amongst friends (I have such a relationship with virtually everyone I personally know), but I'll try to tone it down for some and limit the more snarkier, sassier dialogue to a few others. If you're interested, you can ask me for what kind of personalities I'm aiming for the characters whenever you feel like it. I feel that doing so in replying to a review isn't the best place for that.

Really though, I'm just glad that you're still around offering critique for me to reflect upon. I'll try and see what I can with dialogue v.s. fight scenes because that is a recurring issue of mine it seems; I feel like if I have too much fighting then the off battlefield interactions will feel lacking and vice-versa. But thanks dude, I can always count on your honesty and support.

By the way, even though I posted some of the snippets here, I've made a post over at Reddit's Fire Emblem subreddit if to garner a little more traffic for the story, and I've made at least two "new" teasers for a previous chapter. Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/fireemblem/comments/4a7st7/fanfiction_fire_emblem_fates_doubleedged_destiny/

Other for fun stuff I'm doing:

https://www.reddit.com/r/fireemblem/comments/4aad5o/just_for_fun_what_if_the_cast_of_super_smash_bros/

Edited by Blue Sun
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Hmm...I would say the story falls short of its premise. I can tell that a lot of efforts has been put into preparing it, but everything seems so...lackluster. You have a confusing plot line with unestablished atmosphere, and dialogues that feel out of place.

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Hmm...I would say the story falls short of its premise. I can tell that a lot of efforts has been put into preparing it, but everything seems so...lackluster. You have a confusing plot line with unestablished atmosphere, and dialogues that feel out of place.

The plotline shouldn't be too confusing since the direction I'm taking this story is down a path similar to the original stories of Birthright and Conquest. I get the feeling that the Hoshidan chapters might be what's throwing some people off since they're original to this story as well as having two Avatars central to the story when the original games focused on one Avatar choosing between who to align themselves with (or not to for that matter). The general atmosphere of the story hasn't been established yet (and that is the war conflict between the two kingdoms told from two perspectives), but things will become more clear in the next two chapters for as to why things are the way they are and what's to come afterward. I've already been talked to about the dialogue and I'll try to have that resolved soon.

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"Water, Earth, Fire, Air. Long ago, the four elements lived together in harmony, then everything changed when the nohrian nation attacked. Only the Yamato Family, masters of the Dragon Veins could stop them." Sorry, couldn't resist the reference.

Anyway, onto the review.

"but please do not resort to violence of any sort to discipline him. Understood?" That seems a little out of character for not only Ryoma, but Hoshidans in general. I've read somewhere that Eastern Countries do tend to use some sort of physical discipline (In fact, Ryoma punches Shiro in his recruitment paralogue in the japanese version.)

"Here’s your weapons. They’ve been enchanted like ours so that they’ll be as blunt as wooden weapons, so no need to worry for any fatal wounds of any sort" Can't they just use this enchantment on enemy weapons so they won't get harmed in the war?

" Hinoka readied her four naginatas (katanacatcher" Katanacatcher instead of Swordcatcher? I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound as catchy, if you catch my drift. Puns aside, I don't think the name change was really that great. Swordcatcher implies that it can catch all kinds of swords, even Nohrian swords or non-katana Hoshidan blades (I know that the game considers every hoshidan sword a katana, but historically they aren't.), while Katanacatcher implies that it can only catch Katanas. That means no catching Kukris, Nohrian Blades, Wakizachis, Kodachis, Bronze/Iron/Steel/Silver Swords, Killing Edges... I think you get my point. If you want to keep the Japanese feel, how about using the japanese name (剣薙ぎの薙刀/Ken nagi no naginata/Swordslayer Naginata)?

"Whoa, it almost looks like he’s gliding along the ground instead of running, carried by the wind,’" Is this the Air Superiority skill? Did he already reclass into Kinshi Knight? In fact, this reminded me of a few (or a lot) questions I wanted to ask before but forgot: Will people already have all of their Heart Seal skills by default or will some of them learn them through the story (Or not learn them at all)? Will people reclass? Will they learn skills from Partner and Friendship Seals? Will Corrin's and Kamui's Talent class/Boon/Bane play some sort of role? Speaking of classes, are Corrin and Kamui already in their promoted armor? It wouldn't make much sense for their armors to be so similar, nor would it for Kamui to be the Nohr Prince class.

"“Back Slash Kamui announced, leaping at Hinoka from behind with his dual katana" Is this Shulk's or XenobladeX's Back Slash? Game!Kamui's default attack animation kinda looks like XenobladeX's, but it also looks really impractical (And XenoX's is dual-wielded) and considering how most people are more familiar with Shulk because of Sm4sh...

"“No way…he actually managed to land one of Hinata’s stupid ‘special moves’ on someone" There are more? I can't wait to see Hinata's other Special Moves.

"“Yeah, like, there’s the Shark Pit, the Faceless Pit, the Snake Pit, the Acid Pit, the Spike Pit, and…am I forgetting one?”

“The Bottomless Pit.”" How does a bottomless pit even work?

"“Those who are deemed innocent are the ones I let go.”" How didn't Gunther get caught yet?

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  • 4 weeks later...

"Water, Earth, Fire, Air. Long ago, the four elements lived together in harmony, then everything changed when the nohrian nation attacked. Only the Yamato Family, masters of the Dragon Veins could stop them." Sorry, couldn't resist the reference.

Anyway, onto the review.

"but please do not resort to violence of any sort to discipline him. Understood?" That seems a little out of character for not only Ryoma, but Hoshidans in general. I've read somewhere that Eastern Countries do tend to use some sort of physical discipline (In fact, Ryoma punches Shiro in his recruitment paralogue in the japanese version.)

"Heres your weapons. Theyve been enchanted like ours so that theyll be as blunt as wooden weapons, so no need to worry for any fatal wounds of any sort" Can't they just use this enchantment on enemy weapons so they won't get harmed in the war?

" Hinoka readied her four naginatas (katanacatcher" Katanacatcher instead of Swordcatcher? I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound as catchy, if you catch my drift. Puns aside, I don't think the name change was really that great. Swordcatcher implies that it can catch all kinds of swords, even Nohrian swords or non-katana Hoshidan blades (I know that the game considers every hoshidan sword a katana, but historically they aren't.), while Katanacatcher implies that it can only catch Katanas. That means no catching Kukris, Nohrian Blades, Wakizachis, Kodachis, Bronze/Iron/Steel/Silver Swords, Killing Edges... I think you get my point. If you want to keep the Japanese feel, how about using the japanese name (

剣薙ぎの薙刀/

Ken nagi no naginata/

Swordslayer Naginata)?

"

Whoa, it almost looks like hes gliding along the ground instead of running, carried by the wind,

" Is this the Air Superiority skill? Did he already reclass into Kinshi Knight? In fact, this reminded me of a few (or a lot) questions I wanted to ask before but forgot: Will people already have all of their Heart Seal skills by default or will some of them learn them through the story (Or not learn them at all)? Will people reclass? Will they learn skills from Partner and Friendship Seals? Will Corrin's and Kamui's Talent class/Boon/Bane play some sort of role? Speaking of classes, are Corrin and Kamui already in their promoted armor? It wouldn't make much sense for their armors to be so similar, nor would it for Kamui to be the Nohr Prince class.

"

Back Slash Kamui announced, leaping at Hinoka from behind with his dual katana

" Is this Shulk's or XenobladeX's Back Slash? Game!Kamui's default attack animation kinda looks like XenobladeX's, but it also looks really impractical (And XenoX's is dual-wielded) and considering how most people are more familiar with Shulk because of Sm4sh...

"

No wayhe actually managed to land one of Hinatas stupid special moves on someone

" There are more? I can't wait to see Hinata's other Special Moves.

"

Yeah, like, theres the Shark Pit, the Faceless Pit, the Snake Pit, the Acid Pit, the Spike Pit, andam I forgetting one?

The Bottomless Pit.

" How does a bottomless pit even work?

"

Those who are deemed innocent are the ones I let go.

" How didn't Gunther get caught yet?

Here I am, sitting for about nearly a month working on Chapter 3a (The Journey Begins) and I don't get a notification in my e-mail that you left a review on this thread. For shame Yahoo Mail. Oh well, on to your inquiries.

With Dragon Vein granting the bearer the ability to manipulate earth, fire, air, and water, there was no way I wasn't going to slip in some Avatar symbolism into the story. The fact that official sources often refer to them as an Avatar character helps. Remembering The Last Airbender's introduction, that hits a little too close to home about the conflict between Hoshido and Nohr.

When I was writing this support, I didn't get to Shinonome's/Shiro's paralogue's details yet (nor was I aware that physical discipline was common in Japan, seeing that as more of Medieval Europe's thing), that and for this story I characterized Ryouma as the more lenient of the older figures (but still stern) with Hinoka being the militant one instead. It seems I've gotten them switched with each other. I may keep the punching/slapping Shinonome/Shiro when I finally get to writing his recruitment paralogue (he will be feeling it after Tarba's apprehended).

I wanted to write in some way to justify the fact that the characters were using real and very lethal weapons in training sessions (honestly, that just sounds way too dangerous for training regiments and I'll save that "were using lethal force" for the bolder/more reckless ones like Saizou, Hinata, and Kazahana to name a few). It would only work for their weapons since that was what the spell was designed for in-story. If they could use that against the Nohrian army then Nohr would be in some serious shit (but then Nohr would have found out thanks to their spies and they'd do the same thing).

I deliberately refrained from calling the Swordcather its name until the Hoshidans have gotten better exposure with Nohr's army later on, hence why it's referred to as Katanacatcher for now (though I could have just had the Hoshidans refer to it by "Katanacatcher"); by this point in the story the two kingdoms haven't gotten to the point where their fighting each other often, and the Hoshidans have only been experienced with Hoshidan swords (katanas), but they'll start referring to the weapon by it's proper name at least starting from Chapter 7a. I believe that Taka-kun spoke with me about using a lot of Japanese terminology for this story and advised against it, so to get the original meaning of some things across better or to add some themes amongst them I'm using my own translations for the classes and weapons/items (not necessarily the most commonly used ones seen in the fan-patch). There will be some exceptions to this, mostly in the form of forged weapons.

Ryouma's airbending to glide along the ground (something that Kamui was about to point out) but yes, Ryouma does indeed have Air Superiority. In this story (and my other Fire Emblem plot adaptation Reawakening), skills are not selected in a manner of choosing five skills like the game. All skills are active with each other. I'll have to get to writing the story to show that off a little better because I forget about doing that from time to time. To answer your question about reclassing, seals themselves make no physical appearance in this story. The idea of using them sounds a little silly to me in a "real-life setting" (though Fire Emblem's already pretty weird with real-life as it is, as is this story), so instead of having seals the characters will change their classes at different points in the story (for those that haven't reclassed yet). For those who are promoted units (like Ryouma, Yuugiri/Reina, etc.), aside of partner and friendship reclassing they're done with reclassing; only their stats change as the story progresses (and I know that by gameplay Ryouma would have his stats pretty frickin high if the player bothered to reclass him to get his other skills, and here he's the highest stat total-wise but not as high as he'd be in the game). For a better look at who has and who hasn't reclassed by the time the story starts, here's a list of the characters the story will follow (spoilers for some characters):

Kamui (hasn't reclassed yet)

Corrin (hasn't reclassed yet)

Hoshido-aligned cast:

Ryouma (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Hinoka (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Takumi (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Sakura (hasn't reclassed yet)

Saizou (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Kagerou (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Asama (hasn't reclassed yet)

Setsuna (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Oboro (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Hinata (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Kahanana (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Tsubaki (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Suzukaze (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Felicia (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Yukimura (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Orochi (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Yuugiri (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Rinka (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Tsukuyomi (hasn't reclassed yet)

Mozume (hasn't reclassed yet)

Nishiki (hasn't reclassed yet)

Scarlet (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Mars (gets Katana Samurai and Pegasus Warrior with his Lodestar)

Ike (gets Katana Samurai and Ogre Savage with his Vanguard)

Nohr-aligned cast:

Xander (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Camilla (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Leon (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Elise (hasn't reclassed yet)

Laslow (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Pieri (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Selena (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Beruka (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Odin (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Niles (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Arthur (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Elphie (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Jakob (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Silas (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Flora (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Gunther (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Benoit (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Charlotte (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Nyx (reclassed but hasn't promoted or had partner or friendship reclassing)

Ashura (finished reclassing except for partner and friendship)

Keaton (hasn't reclassed yet)

Robin (gets Wyvern Knight and Dark Mage with his Grandmaster)

Lucina (gets Cavalry Knight and Mercenary with her Great Lord)

The second generation characters are mostly un-reclassed with a few who have otherwise, and for characters the story doesn't actively follow they're mostly if not entirely done with reclassing. The boss characters that you can capture are also done with their reclassing (they'll be promoted from their base class and with all their skills when they're encountered in the story). Aqua/Azura is also finished with her reclassing. Kamui will start out in a variation of the Nohr Prince class since he isn't Nohrian, and Corrin's own Nohr Princess class line will get some tweaks. Kamui's (and soon Kan'na's) Hoshido Prince(ss) class line is the counter to Corrin's (and Canna's) Nohr Prince(ss) lines. Hoshido Prince(ss) is adorned with Hoshidan garments instead of Nohrian (but keeping with the black, gray, white, gold, and blue color scheme and the bare feet feature) and while it's balanced it slightly leans toward good HP, poor Str, poor Mag, poor Skl, good Spd, poor Lck, good Def, and good Res (to symbolize the Hoshidans being the "defenders"). Nohr Prince(ss) on the other hand is also balanced but leans in the opposite directions that Hoshido Prince(ss) does rather than stay in it's original incarnation (to symbolize the Nohrians being the "aggressors"). Kamui's and Corrin's Boons and Banes (Robust/Unlucky for Corrin and Lucky/Sickly for Kamui) will come up in some point of the story (mostly when they end up fighting each other) and their talents are the classes that they first reclass into once they're skilled enough in their base classes (Kamui's is Katana Samurai and Corrin's is Cavalry Knight).

Kamui's Back Slash is exactly the same as Shulks's (or at least the one I've seen in Smash). His Back Slash later on will simply be unnamed strikes to one's back (but may sometimes resemble Shulk's).

You better believe that Hinata's got more dumb moves of his (and Odin will most certainly have some even more ridiculous ones that he'll often sometimes rope others into like his The World/Za Warudo combination attack with Niles "Zero" Brandio). Kamui will invent his own more cooler ones though (much to Takumi's relief but much to Hinoka's intense and Ryouma's slight exasperation among others) and he'll start to rub off on the others (owing even more to the eldest royals' headaches). Corrin and most of the other Nohrians won't come around to getting their own moves until after they've had their kids (and that'll be a ways away in the story as of right now, not like almost endgame late but definitely past the halfway mark though).

Anything's possible if Garon really puts his mind to it :P; if he wants a bottomless pit then by God he'll get his bottomless pit (or by Anankos's single blood-red eye and charcoal hide). This story's Garon is a bit too obsessed with having torture chambers to throw some hapless souls into (and he's been taking a bit too much after Shao Kahn in regards to his acid and spike pits).

He was indeed caught by someone, and that factors into what happens to him in Chapter 3a.

Edited by Blue Sun
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I feel your writing has improved, since there is more variation in the choice of words and you don't repeat any word to much to make it overused. Some dialogues are golden. I guffawed with "Peri is Your Glory!" despite the serious situation. The flow can be improved upon, since there is still the sense that you are deliberately making sections rather than weaving everything into one narrative, the split-up "master meets retainers" being quite evident of this. IMO, you lessen the "and yes, before you say anything, I..." and so on. Garon shouldn't need to do it and Xander is no idiot (I hope). An inner or unspoken dialogue conveyed via atmosphere shifts and/or facial messages would be better suited. Provide some more introspection with the characters, rather than let them blurt out everything. I believe you are trying to make Corrin be like that, since her thoughts show that she is insincere.

On the characters themselves, you don't do them much justice, as they have yet to shape distinct character traits (except for Corrin, but I come back to her later). All the Nohrian siblings seem like a faceless blob of lecturing Corrin, especially when even Camilla is lecturing Corrin on her mercilessness, when it's clear Camilla is capable of worse and has zero sympathy for her enemies (case in point, in Camilla/Elise supports, Camilla flat out says no mercy to the enemies, to her youngest sister) and Leo, while not unnecessarily cruel, has less scruples than the honorable Xander, who should be the one to be appalled due to his dedication to chivalry. Elise is the only one so far of the siblings I feel being distinct, as she is naïve and innocent, failing to understand the cruelties of war and that's fine, since that is how she should be. I know this is your story but your characters can only be great if they have their own gimmick, instead of being a monolith.

I am pleased with Garon though. You do him much more justice in his speech patterns than the overtly hammy villain in the game. Aside from the "and yes,..." to Xander, he is commanding and resolute and his looming presence can be felt. Although I don't know if it was intentional, his choice to sit beside Xander like any common man makes me feel he doesn't need a high throne to make it clear he is the authority in the room. He also shows less proneness towards unwanton cruelty and more of necessary ruthlessness.

And lord Shakespeare? Geez, it makes me feel Iago is somebody who pulls string behind the scenes only to watch tragedy unfold because there is nothing more beautiful in the world.

Now I am sorry to say this, but I cannot understand Corrin's racism. There is nothing substantial about it since it's fostered through tales. And worse, Garon was sparesly with her, as you wrote, so she must have heard it from her siblings and I cannot fathom that they would phrase it to shift all the blame on Hoshido. To me, it feels like Corrin thinks Hoshido has an obligation to help the Nohrians, who by all means should be traitors for fleeing from their country. Why should Hoshido help the Nohrians when Nohr itself cannot? Her wish to improve Nohr does not need to be incompatible with the need to be merciful against foreigners. Why don't she show hostility towards other city-states in the vicinity, who probably does the same thing as Hoshido? Apologies for the strong criticism, but your portrayal of her is too alien for me to comprehend.

I am sorry to end this on such a note but do know that I feel you are improving and listening, hence why I dare to lay it out. I wouldn't keep on returning to this fic if I didn't feel that it's interesting and that you are doing a great work as an author, by taking in feedback and improving your writing.

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I feel your writing has improved, since there is more variation in the choice of words and you don't repeat any word to much to make it overused. Some dialogues are golden. I guffawed with "Peri is Your Glory!" despite the serious situation. The flow can be improved upon, since there is still the sense that you are deliberately making sections rather than weaving everything into one narrative, the split-up "master meets retainers" being quite evident of this. IMO, you lessen the "and yes, before you say anything, I..." and so on. Garon shouldn't need to do it and Xander is no idiot (I hope). An inner or unspoken dialogue conveyed via atmosphere shifts and/or facial messages would be better suited. Provide some more introspection with the characters, rather than let them blurt out everything. I believe you are trying to make Corrin be like that, since her thoughts show that she is insincere.

On the characters themselves, you don't do them much justice, as they have yet to shape distinct character traits (except for Corrin, but I come back to her later). All the Nohrian siblings seem like a faceless blob of lecturing Corrin, especially when even Camilla is lecturing Corrin on her mercilessness, when it's clear Camilla is capable of worse and has zero sympathy for her enemies (case in point, in Camilla/Elise supports, Camilla flat out says no mercy to the enemies, to her youngest sister) and Leo, while not unnecessarily cruel, has less scruples than the honorable Xander, who should be the one to be appalled due to his dedication to chivalry. Elise is the only one so far of the siblings I feel being distinct, as she is naïve and innocent, failing to understand the cruelties of war and that's fine, since that is how she should be. I know this is your story but your characters can only be great if they have their own gimmick, instead of being a monolith.

I am pleased with Garon though. You do him much more justice in his speech patterns than the overtly hammy villain in the game. Aside from the "and yes,..." to Xander, he is commanding and resolute and his looming presence can be felt. Although I don't know if it was intentional, his choice to sit beside Xander like any common man makes me feel he doesn't need a high throne to make it clear he is the authority in the room. He also shows less proneness towards unwanton cruelty and more of necessary ruthlessness.

And lord Shakespeare? Geez, it makes me feel Iago is somebody who pulls string behind the scenes only to watch tragedy unfold because there is nothing more beautiful in the world.

Now I am sorry to say this, but I cannot understand Corrin's racism. There is nothing substantial about it since it's fostered through tales. And worse, Garon was sparesly with her, as you wrote, so she must have heard it from her siblings and I cannot fathom that they would phrase it to shift all the blame on Hoshido. To me, it feels like Corrin thinks Hoshido has an obligation to help the Nohrians, who by all means should be traitors for fleeing from their country. Why should Hoshido help the Nohrians when Nohr itself cannot? Her wish to improve Nohr does not need to be incompatible with the need to be merciful against foreigners. Why don't she show hostility towards other city-states in the vicinity, who probably does the same thing as Hoshido? Apologies for the strong criticism, but your portrayal of her is too alien for me to comprehend.

I am sorry to end this on such a note but do know that I feel you are improving and listening, hence why I dare to lay it out. I wouldn't keep on returning to this fic if I didn't feel that it's interesting and that you are doing a great work as an author, by taking in feedback and improving your writing.

The review actually showed up in my Yahoo! mail this time, and thanks for the review. Now let's get on to breaking down some of the points you mentioned.

I am indeed actively avoiding repeating the same words and give more variance in the dialogue, and I like that you found some of the dialogue good. I've honestly had the most fun writing Leo(n)'s interactions with Niles and Odin. I'm having some difficulty understanding the "segments part" you mentioned, though if I had to guess it's because of how I tend to start new paragraphs for each new speaker. If that's not right feel free to correct me. About the "and, before you say anything I..." about Garon I actually removed another instance of that because I repeated it, but looking at the instance he has with Xander when the royals are about to leave (that's what you're talking about right?) doesn't fit the vibe I'm going for with Garon, so good catch there mate. Introspection is not my strong suit, I can admit that, and I'll start practicing how to write that for the characters more often. Corrin, for as well-meaning as she can be, isn't always honest with others or herself (which may come up with concerning her primary love interest(s) later on), and if she perceives a flaw in herself she will think upon it and work hard to remove it.

I should be working that issue out by now. I know that that's been a recurring issue and I really want to kick it. I've been playing catch up on several supports after publishing the last chapter so hopefully from Chapter 3b you shouldn't be seeing this issue as much if at all from then on. Concerning Camilla feeling less like herself, that part was actually intentional. She's not acting like herself because she's trying to get Corrin out of her racist mindset and she's not sugar-coating her displeasure with it. Leo(n) chiming in feels odd looking back and it might have been better if he observed while Camilla and Xander did the talking, but while they'll lack the racist attitude they'll be the same as they are known to be toward their enemies and others. Elise may see a bit of a revamp in character; she'll keep the naïve and innocent portrayal but that'll be slightly altered/expanded on to make her distinct from Game!Elise. Both were portrayed to be a little sadder and a little more insightful than what one'd think (remember Arthur's supports with her?), but DED!Elise will be a little closer to a stepford smiler (but enough to count as one) and she'll act a more mature to offset her being thirteen. Game!Leo's line of Elise "acting like the adult she technically is" just felt like it was undermining how Elise could be very insightful without having to be an actual adult and only served to comfort some who were uncomfortable with her being able to be married. I won't say much else on that subject though. This will be a change that will be applied to all of the young first generation characters to set up a theme of them being more mature than even some of the second generation characters but not without losing some of their more endearing child traits. Elise may lose some of her innocence over the course of the story but never her good will and optimism.

I'm effectively writing Garon based on the initial impression I got from him. I'm glad you like DED!Garon. That's the direction I intend to take him in for much of the story, though he'll step up the questionable things he does but always with a plan for a specific outcome to gain an advantage over his enemies.

Lord Shakespeare does sound hella sick, and DED!Iago will (along with DED!Garon) will paly a role similar to the mentor who will slowly try to turn Corrin over to the "dark side of the force" while her siblings are keeping her from that (they function like a morality chain for her while being their own characters). Iago better watch out cause he's going to get some competition in who's the most effective tactician in the Nohrian army (from Strategist!Elise and Grandmaster Robin).

You don't have to be sorry. Honesty (no matter how brutal) is something I treasure in reviews from people who care about seeing me improve. While a writer's first priority is to express themselves the way I see it, if it could use some reworking or explaining for the sake of improving then why not go for it, especially if it's earnest? I want to better express the story the way I want to, and that's why I seek out well-thought out reviews like yours.

To explain Corrin's racism before I start writing her slowly letting go of it, it is true that it is fostered from tales she's heard, and of course her siblings would not have worded any of it to make her hate Hoshidans considering how against racism they are; they themselves expressed doubt that the Hoshidans being that racist toward the Nohrians are true. The tales she's been told were told by Garon himself every time he visited her over the course of several years ever since she came to stay in the Nohrthern Tower; literally once a year is sparse, but he does so on her birthday to make the time he spends with her more "memorable" with the exception of her eighteenth birthday (which by then her hatred had become pretty powerful). From my experience, I can still remember a few choice events in my life that happened to me (such as a car crash I survived when I was about nine years old, twelve years ago). Garon always told her about the deportations and imprisonments while adding some more things to it, because him doing this served a purpose: to prime Corrin into hating Hoshidans so that when they went to war she'll have little compunctions killing them. Her siblings didn't know this but Xander and Camilla had brief talks afterward with her to make sure she wasn't turning into a racist person but at the time she wasn't entirely honest with them or herself. With Corrin being older, having let the extent of her hatred be known, and with her siblings displeased reactions, she'll make an honest effort to do better.

Corrin firmly believes that if someone is capable of helping something or someone in need then they should at the very least try, but not at the expense of putting themselves at severe risk when it comes to battle. It's not a one-way-street mentality to avoid making her hypocritical or morally myopic, but with Nohr being in the situation of economic and societal need and not Hoshido (which is the opposite quite frankly), she feels that as the kingdom with little to lose even if they sent Nohr some of their resources they could have at least done that. That didn't happen for whatever reason, and she would have been less upset about it if she didn't think that Hoshido was deliberately doing it to spite Nohr and their people. She feels pity for the refugees knowing that Nohr being as messed up as it is was the reason why they left in the first place, and she'd rather them leave for better opportunities than stay if nothing's improving for them and they can't do much to help. After Chapter 4a, she'll start helping Nohr out with the food shortage with the addition of a new discovery she makes.

Garon tells her that every other part of Nohr is suffering, not just the Capital of Windmire, and that it's not possible to restore all of Nohr with all the resources they currently have. without some outside help When she finds out that Palace Macarath, the City of Nestra (particularly Cyrkensia), and the Port Town of Dia (and the Nohrian children paralogue locations) are prospering locations she'll start wondering what the hell is really going on with Nohr as a whole. Uncovering deceit and the truth along with conquest is a theme that I'll explore for the Nohrian chapters. By then she'll have lessened her dislike of the Hoshidans and will continue to do so, all the while discovering more things about Nohr and Hoshido that she didn't know. By about halfway in the story she'll just about drop the attitude having seen enough.

I know that very well. You've continuously come back here offering reviews that are meant to help me improve, and for that I have nothing but respect for you. You could have easily said that didn't think I was going anywhere but you didn't (because trust me I'm second guessing myself a lot but hope for the best), and I honestly believe that you know more about writing than me so I try to pay close attention to what you say. It helps that you are real straightforward about what you like or dislike. If I didn't even bother to listen to feedback I couldn't call myself someone who cares about writing much less writing, and I don't think I'd go anywhere. So thanks for sticking with me this long.

P.S. Even though I feel like I'm getting closer to finishing Chapter 4a (battle-wise), I haven't gotten to work on Chapter 3b of Chapter 4b yet. Can't neglect the Hoshidans now can I? Chapter 3b will be a battle one while Chapter 4b will be dialogue oriented. Game changers are coming up, namely the battle at the Bottomless Canyon and the details between Felicia's subsequent exile, Kamui's forewarning of war to the other Hoshidans and their preparing for it, and Laslow's, Odin's, and Selena's infiltration of Hoshido that will lead to the instigation of the war.

Edited by Blue Sun
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  • 2 weeks later...

I still feel your reasoning of Corrin's personality still weak, since I don't Garon's visits are as traumatic as your car accident and people in general tend to gravitate more towards those showing love and affection, like her family. If anything, I think's it's more plausible Corrin would have a vengeful attitude from Camilla because Camilla can be ruthless and merciless towards her enemies but shows nothing but love for siblings and retainers. Moreover, what is the driving force behind Corrin's yearning for Garon's love? Is it because she is just Daddy's girl? Or because she wants to be useful? I think it's the latter since the latest chapter shows she wants to be a model knight but I am not sure how it's related to Garon.

My opinions aside, your characterization is still plausible but you should focus on concentrating and experssing it more, which could make Corrin more sympathetic if we got bit more detail about her past and upbringing and desires. Monologues are a great way for that, either from the character itself or someone close. It doesn't need to be much, just small bits here and there like: "Corrin felt confused and dazed by her siblings' reactions but a part of her was not surprised. Even if her mind had staunchly stayed on the path of retribution against the hateful Hoshidans, her heart still ached over the thought of dissapointing the people that had showered her with unconditional love. Maybe she should re-think her values if even Camilla reprimanded her. Or maybe not, judging from her father's pleased look".

Not really sure if it was OOC of Corrin but it would give more ground for her to change if the reader is aware that she has thoughts of changes and is capable to, by eliminating the root of her racism.

Glad to hear you are taking this well, mate.

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