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Blue Sun
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I still feel your reasoning of Corrin's personality still weak, since I don't Garon's visits are as traumatic as your car accident and people in general tend to gravitate more towards those showing love and affection, like her family. If anything, I think's it's more plausible Corrin would have a vengeful attitude from Camilla because Camilla can be ruthless and merciless towards her enemies but shows nothing but love for siblings and retainers. Moreover, what is the driving force behind Corrin's yearning for Garon's love? Is it because she is just Daddy's girl? Or because she wants to be useful? I think it's the latter since the latest chapter shows she wants to be a model knight but I am not sure how it's related to Garon.

My opinions aside, your characterization is still plausible but you should focus on concentrating and experssing it more, which could make Corrin more sympathetic if we got bit more detail about her past and upbringing and desires. Monologues are a great way for that, either from the character itself or someone close. It doesn't need to be much, just small bits here and there like: "Corrin felt confused and dazed by her siblings' reactions but a part of her was not surprised. Even if her mind had staunchly stayed on the path of retribution against the hateful Hoshidans, her heart still ached over the thought of dissapointing the people that had showered her with unconditional love. Maybe she should re-think her values if even Camilla reprimanded her. Or maybe not, judging from her father's pleased look".

Not really sure if it was OOC of Corrin but it would give more ground for her to change if the reader is aware that she has thoughts of changes and is capable to, by eliminating the root of her racism.

Glad to hear you are taking this well, mate.

That's fine. Garon's visits aren't necessarily "traumatic" as they are more "doesn't visit often but long enough so that Corrin would have more of an incentive to remember the times he does", and he never said anything about scheduled visits to her as to "surprise" her amidst her training and give the visits a little more impact (even if there was a pattern that Corrin strangely never caught on to). The gravitation toward loving figures is a good point because that is still ultimately a theme that will be explored with Corrin's character; with Garon threatening Xander's life, what happens in the conclusion of Chapter 4a, and more of Garon's less desirable side coming out for Corrin to see throughout the story (nasty sides of him that Corrin initially didn't think he had), you'll see a gradual but clear shift from Garon's influence and obeying him without fail to subverting his orders while getting away with it (for so long though) and falling more in line with the caring royal siblings; Camilla's lack of mercy toward enemies notwithstanding (which is a trait that Corrin has to some extent but exaggerates towards Hoshidans), Corrin will eventually be as model as her siblings.

The driving force of Corrin wanting Garon's approval boils down to wanting to do him proud (i.e. being useful as a model knight of Nohr). Another part is due to her siblings recounting times when Garon was a truly loving father before he changed into what he is now. They avoided telling Corrin about how cruel he really was by whitewashing it so that Corrin didn't grow up thinking that Garon had never been a good father and to have her think that he's redeemable given time. Finally, Corrin also wants to bond with her father having been told by him of her mother's demise and kidnapping of her brother when she was little before being locked away. She hides it but she's scared of losing her family and wants to be with all of them for as much as she can; her earliest memories are that of Garon locking her away in the Nohrthern Tower "for her own good" after giving her the news and being rattled by something before those memories that she can't remember, with promises of being let out when she can prove that she can survive outside on her own as a knight of Nohr. It helped that Garon consciously restrained himself so that Corrin wouldn't grow into someone who would cause him problems in the future because he was more...you know (and it would get his other children more willing to do as he says if he shows them that he can be decent without going too far).

That's a really good example because it pretty much hits the nail on the head with Corrin's dilemma. With the knowledge that she isn't entirely a shining example of what a knight (moreso person) should be

It's not in me to not take this well :).

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Hmm, really, the only thing I can say now is "tell it in the story". If you wish to develop Corrin along the lines of how you described it, tell it. I don't know how or when, but tell it and don't make it irrelevant when you develop Corrin. Make her reflect upon herself perhaps, making her a bit more self-aware. It comes down to what you feel comfortable with.

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  • 1 month later...

New chapter's up. Warning: I took way too long to come back to this after redoing it (and having a somewhat deteriorating attention span) and it's a really long chapter, so some of you may not like it. Going back over it, it's probably my least favorite chapter I've written (but far from the least favorite thing I've ever written), but this way it'll go straight into the Hoshidan chapters and feel a little more natural. That's about all I honestly can say for it, so critique and comment away. I await the responses this'll garner.

EDIT: This was so long that I had to split the second part of The Journey Begins into two parts on this site: the battle and the aftermath. I was trying to cover a lot in the battle that lead into the aftermath and ultimately Gunther's and Felicia's fates. This wraps up the Nohrian characters for the time being, and it'll pick back up with them at about Chapter 5: Mother. Just three more chapters to go until the game-changing Chapter 6: When White and Dark Clash - Revisitation.

EDIT 2: Wow, going back over this completely awake, there are quite a few things in the newest chapter that shouldn't be in there: I have Mozu's men attacking (him giving orders too) when not everyone has regrouped yet, and while I could easily say that since the enemy was there that he gave the command to do so anyways, I'm not sure that that's what I was thinking when I wrote that. I also didn't really write what happened to the upper fortress guys who dealt with Ghans (we could just say that Gunther took care of them offscreen but that's a little too easy). Mozu's fight is also fairly anti-climatic though to be honest the fight with him wasn't a huge focus of this chapter so that was mostly intentional. I really need to kick these bad sleeping habits; it's seriously impairing my writing and cognitive skills among other things, and it's showing.

Edited by Blue Sun
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  • 4 weeks later...

I am going to be brief with you (and you know at this point that I am honest), this chapter was pretty terrible. The battles weren't described well enough to give a good mental picture and consist mostly of "hacking this, slashing that". And I can't tell you how jarring it is with the way the characters speak as if it's this is 21st century New York. The speech form is simply not fitting with the medieval settings of Nohr and Hoshido. Why would they know "the Shining" and why would they say "say what" like some gangsters?

I wish I could say something nicer but the chapter felt like a mess. I think you should tone down on the battles and more on the narrative but I guess you are tired of hearing that now.

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I am going to be brief with you (and you know at this point that I am honest), this chapter was pretty terrible. The battles weren't described well enough to give a good mental picture and consist mostly of "hacking this, slashing that". And I can't tell you how jarring it is with the way the characters speak as if it's this is 21st century New York. The speech form is simply not fitting with the medieval settings of Nohr and Hoshido. Why would they know "the Shining" and why would they say "say what" like some gangsters?

I wish I could say something nicer but the chapter felt like a mess. I think you should tone down on the battles and more on the narrative but I guess you are tired of hearing that now.

Thanks for the review! Let's get to addressing the issues you've mentioned.

I pretty much always feel like I'm being too brief with the battle scenes, thus drawing them out and fluffing them up when I shouldn't. The next chapter is going to have a battle (the one after that won't), and since I haven't seem to have gotten rid of this problem I'd like an example of a better battle scene (a short one to build on). The dialogue itself was actually rewritten throughout some parts since I felt like I was going into purple prose territory early on. You're right about it not fitting the characters and the setting, so it'll be gone by the next chapter (though the stuff like The Shining would have been referenced later in the story as plays/theatre act done by someone in-universe).

I didn't much like the chapter either when I went over it but felt that maybe it wasn't that bad (guess that means I need to pick it up), so on this we both agree that it could have been handled better. It is tiring to some extent to hear the same thing but I'm still doing the same thing so it's only natural and I don't take it personal against you.

This is what I like about your reviews; you're completely honest and to the point, and as somebody with better knowledge on narrative I take what you have to say very seriously. I've never had a chance to take a writing class (and I still plan on doing that) so I'm dependent (almost reliant) on informative criticism whether positive or negative.

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I pretty much always feel like I'm being too brief with the battle scenes, thus drawing them out and fluffing them up when I shouldn't. The next chapter is going to have a battle (the one after that won't), and since I haven't seem to have gotten rid of this problem I'd like an example of a better battle scene (a short one to build on).

Do realize that you and I have different perceptions about battle scenes. Yours seem to involve dialogiue inbetween while describing the exact movements. I myself prefer (from most authors I have read from) when the battle is viewed from one side with a flow that takes into account surroundings and environment. A short excerpt if I had written Corrin vs Mozu (confusing as hell, since I thought it was Mozu(me) first).

Corrin fumed. The darkness hid the ninja from her eyes and the cacophony of battle cries and steel clashes masked the ninja's already-silent steps. Nohrians have better night vision, their lives constantly shrouded in the nigh perpetual darkness of the land. But Corrin had lived her entire life in the Northern Fortress and Jakob always made sure candles and torches were in abundant supplies. For once, her butler's tireless diligence disfavored her. Her only chance was to locate the ninja's position when lightning struck, the outline of his shadow standing out from the trees' and the building's. Her armor protected her from the shurikens and the darkness worked two-ways, it made it difficult for the ninja to hit accurately as well. With the feeling of invincibility and confidence running through her body, Corrin waited patiently for the sky's roar.

The brief flash of light lit the area up but for that split-second, Corrin saw a clump of shadow of overlapping her own. And it grew.

Quickly realizing her opponent's move, she dived forward, her armor pressing into her body as she rolled away from the ninja who had tried to drive a shuriken through her head. She quickly spun around to face him, ready to charge and overpower the Hoshidan. Instead, she narrowly dodged a shuriken aimed at her face, the sharp steel cutting her cheek. Reeling from the attack, Corrin wobbly lifted the Ganglari in time to parry the attacking ninja, who held another shuriken. She steadied herself with her feet, engaging into a grappling contest with her opponent. Smirking, she was confident she would win. All the years doing push-ups had built her muscles, her small frame belying a great amount of strength, similar to her older sister.

Her vision muddied however and she slowly felt herself being pushed back. She tried to muster all her strength but her body granted her none. Confusion replaced her earlier confidence and fear followed as her feet slipped and she fell flat on her back. The ninja lost no time bragging his advantage, his training compelling him to move in quickly for the kill

The key difference here I think is that my (just described) action sequence is very short but I take more time describing the thought processes and the surroundings. This draws the reader into Corrin's (or Mozu's) mind and it assist in envisioning the battle. Longer sequences would be just "the steel clashed and sparks flew as they continued the dance of death", because A) Not every single part of the fight is interesting and B) Ideas run out very quickly. I just made this on the fly. I suggest looking into books with action sequences and more prominent fanfictions writers (not sure if there are any though).

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  • 9 months later...

New chapters are up.

Chapter 4a—Snow Warning

Chapter 4b—Icebreaker

For some reason I tried copying-and-pasting some of the very minor edits I've made to previous chapters from FanFiction.net's version of the story over to SerenesForest, but they're not coming out so you may find a few oddities here and there (mostly just surname changes). Also, since it's been a while since I was on the forums I don't know what happened to the fonts (TImes New Roman, Arial, etc.) but that's not so much of a bother. Anyways, I'm back and did a few other things over at FanFiction.net.

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