Story The Adventures of the Crimean Liberation Army

[Tangerine]

The Adventures of the Crimean Liberation Army

April, 2014, Presidential Palace, Kiev, Ukraine, Earth

Petro Porshenko, President of Ukraine, was overall having a pretty shitty year. Oh, things had started out swimmingly for his country, with the peaceful (ironically, in hindsight) overthrow of former President Viktor Yanukovich. Then, of course, Putin entered the equation. God, Porshenko hated Putin, no matter how muscular and bear riding the man might have been. Russia’s President had acted quickly to secure the Crimea region, which Russia claimed. The really galling thing was that there wasn’t a thing Porshenko could do about it, as long as Obama continued to be a goddamn pansy about it. Why didn’t the rest of the world realize that Crimea was worth a nuclear war? It made Porshenko’s blood boil.
Thus, it came as quite a surprise to Porshenko when he stumbled upon a lamp. He had always heard as a child that if one were to rub a lamp, a genie would emerge and grant one a single wish. He paused briefly. “Fuck it,” he reasoned, “what’s the worst that can happen?” The lamp was rubbed.
A genie burst out of the lamp.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” Porshenko exclaimed, falling backward onto a table.
“What the fuck, man?” the genie inquired. “Werent you always told as a kid that if you rubbed a lamp, a genie would emerge?”
“Well, sure,” Porshenko replied breathlessly, “but I never actually expected for it to happen!”
The genie shrugged. “Whatever floats your boat. So, one wish, you know the drill?”
Porshenko did, indeed, know the drill. He also knew exactly what he was going to ask for. “Genie,” he began, doing it just like he saw in Alladin, “give me a Crimean Liberation Army!”

Castle Nados, Crimea, Tellius, 646

Sir Ike, leader of the Greil Mercenaries, supreme commander of the Crimean Liberation Army, and, according to a good deal of the fandom, Elincia’s rightful Husbando (fuck you Geoffrey!), was having a splendid day. He had, after all, just defeated the Black Knight, the man who murdered his father. Now, he, along with Queen Elincia, Geoffrey (fuck him!) and Count Bastian, pored over a map of Crimea.
“So let me get this straight,” Ike began. “All Daein has left is one city and some crappy ass tower, and they STILL outnumber us?”
“Well, you see, Sir Ike,” Bastian replied poetically, “if they did not outnumber us then the endgame would be boring, and that would piss the fans off.”
“What?” Ike replied quizzically.
“Oh, nothing, just breaking the fourth wall.” Bastian was a smug little bastard, wasn’t he?
What our heroes did not know was that this strategic meeting was about to be broken up by a rather unexpected occurrence. That unexpected occurrence was the familiar surroundings of the command tent being replaced with the Presidential Palace in Kiev, Ukraine.

The Aforementioned Location

Ike and Porshenko stared at each other for a solid 5 seconds before the reality of their respective situations registered with them. Porshenko, ever the politician, smiled warmly. “Ah, you must be the Crimean Liberation Army! I have been expecting you!”
“For about 5 seconds,” the genie sniggered.
“Yes, that would be us,” Ike replied. “More importantly, who are you, what are you wearing, where are we…”

2 Hours Later

“… and why is that tiny naked woman trapped in that glowing box?” Ike demanded.
“Shit man, keep it down, my wife might hear!” Porshenko said angrily.
“I believe I can answer most of those questions,” the genie said self importantly. “You see, Ike, you and your friends have been transported to a place called Earth.”
Knowing that the audience is probably already familiar with the basics of Planet Earth, the author decided to leave out the genie explaining the entire history of the planet. It took a good deal of time, as you can imagine. Elincia specifically began to look rather ill at around the 1789 mark. All in all, it took 5 hours. Aren’t you glad the author didn’t show that?
“…and THAT is why Putin wants Crimea!” the genie concluded.
“Okay, that’s great,” replied Ike, “but why should we care? We have our own Crimea to save.”
“Well,” came the reply, “I won’t send you back until you take care of this.”
“Wow,” Ike observed, “you’re a dick.”
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” the genie replied. He was quite happy about this chance to say that; since Ike had never seen “Gone With The Wind”, he was able to get away with making that reference.
“In any case,” Porshenko finally said, “I think its time you met my boss.”

In the other room

“Um, uh, let me be clear,” began President Barack Obama, “these, these uh, people are going to help us?” The author, in case you were not aware, wishes you to read Obama’s dialogue in his stereotypical voice.
Before Porshenko could respond, Ike stepped in. Or at least he would, if he was not in shock. You see, there were not any black people in Fire Emblem until Awakening. Thus, it was understandable that Ike and his friends were completely dumbfounded by the presence of a black man. Really now, it wasn’t that they were racist.
Finally, Lethe broke the silence. “Its… its… a Beorc with brown skin?”
Obama, naturally, was rather miffed at this. Or, at least he would have been, if he was not too busy falling off of his chair. “Um, let me be clear,” he stammered, “what in the name of god is that thing?”
Hypocrite.
Lethe, of course, was furious at this. “Now listen here, I deal with enough from the humans as is, so you shut up or I’ll make you!”
Lethe suddenly found her head was bathed in red light.
“Um, uh, let me be clear, secret service, uh, bitch,” Obama gloated.
“Alright, enough of this,” Ike said, frustrated. “Lethe, shut up.”
“In any case,” continued Obama, “your mission is, uh, simple. You are to march into the Crimean peninsula, and, uh, take it over.”
“That doesn’t sound simple to me,” Geoffrey (fuck him!) observed.
“Yeah, well, uh, that doesn’t matter,” Obama shot back, “because you aren’t getting back until you liberate Crimea.”
“And then,” Ike said, “we can finally liberate Crimea.”

Moscow, Russia

It was a dark and stormy night. Lightning struck everywhere. The “Imperial March” from Star Wars played in the background as a man in black armor marched through the halls of the Kremlin. Reaching a door, he saluted at two guards, who opened the door for him. The man knelt at the feet of a bald, shirtless man, sitting on a throne of bears. “What is thy bidding, my master,” asked Prime Minister Dmitri Medvedev.
“There is a great disturbance in the force,” observed President Vladimir Putin. “The Ukrainians have called in heroes from another world. You, Dmitri, must stop them if the ritual is to be complete.”
“Yes, my master,” Medvedev said dutifully. The ritual had to be completed, if Russia was to be great again.

Kiev, Ukraine

“Hey, Ike!” Mist yelled brightly, “check this out. It’s a whole site dedicated to us!” Needless to say, the Greil Mercenaries were greatly enjoying the benefits of the internet.
“Serenes Forest,” Ike asked. “That’s a bit insensitive, I suppose. Whatever. Lets see what people have to say about us!”
“Hmm,” Mist mused, “Serious Discussion, maybe? We’re pretty serious.”
“Of course we are!” Ike agreed. “Lets check it out.”
“My god,” Mist noted correctly, “that guy blah the Prussian is so smart! He absolutely destroys the opposition, doesn’t he?”
“He sure does,” Ike agreed. “If I were to meet him in real life, I think he would probably be quite handsome!”
The author can confirm this particular hypothesis of Ike’s.
Suddenly, they heard someone burst into tears. “Why do they hate me so much?” asked Geoffrey (fuck him!) crying.
“Who?” Ike demanded, concerned.
“They call themselves ‘Ikelincia’ shippers,” Geoffrey replied, tearfully, “and they called me ‘boring’! Can you believe it, Ike?”
Ike promptly bit his tongue.
Suddenly, a voice rang out over the PA. “Greil Mercenaries, President Obama summons you for mission briefing.” Ike gratefully complied.

Briefing Room

“Um, let me be clear,” Obama began, “your objective, uh, is to take the city of Sevastopol, Crimea.” Still reading in Obama’s voice? That’s what I like to hear!
“These planes”- Ike and co. had already found out what airplanes were- “will stealthily transport you to Sevastopol, the capitol of Crimea. If you take Sevastopol, you take Crimea.”
There was a pause.
“Why?” Ike asked.
“Well, uh, that’s how it works in Total War,” Obama replied.
Ike looked skeptical.
“Anyway!” Obama continued, “You leave in one hour. Any questions?”
There were none.

Above Sevastopol, Crimea

Jill was still beside herself with anger at the injustice of it all. She had been doing this for a while now, ever since she had been introduced to the novel concept of an “aircraft.” “I mean,” she fumed, “how are you supposed to form a bond with a hunk of metal?”
“The idea,” the pilot explained, clearly finding this process tiresome, “is that you don’t need a personal bond. This baby can go faster than any dragon can fly!”
Jill was about to retort when a voice over the loudspeaker shut her up. “Um, uh, let me be clear,” Obama began, “we are now, uh, over Sevastopol. Prepare, uh, to jump.”
Ike was not too sure about this “parachute” invention. He was still, of course, getting used to all modern technology, but the Parachute was the first one he had to stake his life on. Still, though, it was the only way to get home, and, he reasoned, if this was just a dream then dying would probably make him wake up. Thus, he got to the door of the plane and called out “Crimean Liberation Army! Prepare to liberate Crimea!” He then threw himself out of the plane.
The wind ripped through Ike’s face as he descended. Hurriedly pulling the strap, he looked down at Sevastopol below him. That was the key to getting home, to getting to the real Crimea.

Also in Sevastopol, Crimea, Russia/Ukraine, depending on who you ask

“I am not mad, Dmitri,” President Vladimir Putin said icily, “I am just disappointed.”
“I am so, so sorry, Mr. President,” Mendvedev apologized, “but you have to understand, I don’t actually have the force. ‘Star Wars’ is only a movie.”
“No excuses!” Putin yelled. “The future of the Motherland is at stake here, Dmitri. I must complete the ritual if we are going to make Russia great again.” The computer screen through which they were skypeing (the author apologizes if he spelled that word wrong) went black. Mendvedev got over the loudspeaker. “Mobilize the Spetznaz!” he yelled.

Guys, seriously, its still in Sevastopol, Crimea

Sothe returned from his scouting mission outside of the fortress. “Ike,” he began, “it doesn’t look good. The enemy have about 50 guys!”
“Well,” Ike replied, “we have around that number. It shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Don’t you remember?” Geoffrey (fuck him!) chimed in. “We can only deploy like fifteen units at a time, regardless of how many we actually have!”
“Damn, you’re right,” Ike admitted. “well, okay, Titania, you go here…”
The author decided to skip this part, because he recognizes that no one likes watching the LPer take like 5 minutes to decide on if he wants to take Shinon or Mordecai.
When Ike was done deploying, he yelled out “Crimean Liberation Army! Charge!” Immediately, they ran into a massive steel door. “Fuck!” Ike observed in frustration. “We need a key!”
“Or,” Soren pointed out, “I could do this.” Using his magic, Soren summoned a hurricane and sent it at the door. It crashed to the ground.
Ike shrugged. “Huh. I never really thought about that.”
“Yeah, well,” Soren replied, “it just seems that everything makes more sense in this world.”
There was no more time to talk, though, as Spetznaz commandos stormed into the room, guns at the ready. They opened fire. With some effort, Soren grabbed them with wind magic and sent the bullets flying at the Spetznaz. “Seriously,” Soren continued, “wind magic has so much potential.”
The Greil Mercenaries plunged into the fray, and Ike noticed a door. He smashed through it (wasn’t Soren a good teacher?) and found an elaborate chamber, with all kinds of technology Ike had never seen before, like toilets. So we meet again, young whatever your last name is,” said Dmitri Mendvedev.
Ike was confused. “Uh, you don’t know me,” he pointed out.
Mendvedev considered this information for about a minute. Finally, he came to a conclusion. “Fuck,” he admitted. “You’re right.”
“Glad we got that cleared up,” Ike said, rolling his eyes. “Now, lets fight!” With a roar, he charged towards Putin’s bitch the Prime Minister of Russia. Mendvedev rose his sword up, blocking Ike’s initial strike. Drawing back, Ike moved in for a stab. Mendvedev blocked it again. “What is this?” Ike demanded. “Ragnell is the most powerful sword in the world!”
“Maybe in whatever fantasy land you came from!” Mendvedev shot back, sneering. “But this is the real world! Here, a sword’s strength is based on material, not some arbitrary statistics!” To prove his point, Mendvedev swung his sword a third time, cleaving Ragnell in half. “And,” the Prime Minister finished, “gold is a fucking terrible material for a sword.”
Ike couldn’t believe it. How had he lost? He had Ragnell! Then, he remembered that he still had other swords in his inventory, because that makes sense for some reason (The author, as you might have guessed, is somewhat incredulous as to the means by which someone can carry 5 steel swords in their inventory and not be weighed down). Grimacing, he drew out a steel sword from his bag. “Ah,” Mendevedev said happily, “you’re learning. Steel as a material for swords does not, in fact, suck balls!”
Ike charged towards his opponent. Mendvedev blocked, but the strength of doing so knocked him back. Ike pressed the attack, pushing Mendvedev back more and more. Finally, Mendvedev was pushed against the wall of the room. With one strike, Ike finished him.
At that moment, Obama called in via Skype. “Um, uh, let me be clear,” he began, before doing a double take. “Um, Ike? Why are you in the bathroom?” Obama demanded.
“Oh, that’s what this is?” Ike replied. “A room where you take a shit… interesting idea! We just take shits in pots and then wash our hands in the rivers that we dump our shit in!”
Obama looked like he was about to throw up. That was probably because he specifically remembered shaking the hands of every one of the Greil Mercenaries. He had a lot of scrubbing to do.
Obama would have commented on how absolutely disgusting he found this, but then a massive rumbling shook the world. “What the hell was that?” Obama demanded.
“Well, sir,” one of his assistants replied, it seems to be coming from… Moscow…”
Suddenly a massive roar rang out.

A few minutes earlier, Moscow, Russia

“So, Mr. President, you have one wish,” the genie informed Vladimir Putin. The genie thought himself to be very clever with this arrangement. It was quite simple; he would summon heroes to this world, and then he would, for his entertainment, pit them against a monster, and watch the fun.
“Well,” Putin replied, “I want nothing more than for Russia to be great again. To do that, I offer up my body to the man who made Russia a superpower: Joseph Stalin! Oh, and give him absolute power and make him a giant.”
The genie shrugged. “Whatever floats your boat.” And so it was done.

Now

Ike and the Greil Mercenaries looked out of the helicopter gunship at the city of Moscow. Well, actually, they looked at the giant fat man with a mustache and a military uniform that stood over Moscow. “I have returned!” Joseph Stalin yelled gleefully. “Now I will once again abuse my own people for my profit!”
“Oh my god,” Ike said, “we have to stop him!”
“Um, uh, let me be clear,” Obama replied, “no… fucking shit!”
Ike chose to ignore the President, and instead began to shout orders. “Shinon, Rolf, Soren, Tormod, any other mage attackers the author forgot about, stay in the helicopter and fire at him! All cavalry, grab a cable and run down around his legs!”
Joseph Stalin felt a small sting in his neck. Looking up, he saw that they were coming from that filthy capitalist pigdog helicopter up there. Stalin hated pricks (yes, the author intends you to take that as a euphemism). With a roar, he turned around and shot a laser beam made out of soldiers of the Red Army at the helicopter. Clearly, Stalin was just as ready to sacrifice his own people as he ever was.
Meanwhile, on the ground, Titania, Kieran, Oscar, and Geoffrey (fuck him!) had grabbed a giant chord called a Deus Ex Machina. The plan, if the reader hadn’t figured it out yet, was for Stalin to run forwards and get tripped by the chord. Ike would then deliver the finishing blow. Ike, however, had noticed a problem: Stalin had a ranged attack. His Red Army Eye Beams (yes, the author intends for this to be stupid) were more than enough to destroy the helicopter. Ike had to think of something. Suddenly, he got an idea. It was a long shot, but based on what he had read on Serenes Forest, it just might work.
“Hey, Geoffrey(fuck him!)!” Ike shouted. “Tell Stalin over there what you and Elincia do in the end!”
Geoffrey (fuck him!) didn’t really get where Ike was going with this, but he complied. “Hey! Stalin!” Geoffrey (fuck him!) yelled at the Soviet dictator, “At the end of the story, I fuck Elincia!”
Suddenly, Stalin was overtaken with a total, inexplicable rage. He wanted to grind Geoffrey (fuck him!) underfoot, to destroy him. Ike had guessed correctly. Stalin was an Ikelincia shipper.
With a roar, Stalin charged Geoffrey (fuck him!) intent on destroying the man who prevented Ike and his waifu from being together. Quickly, Titania and Oscar got the chord into position. Stalin, hitting the chord, experienced a complete whipeout, smashing into the ground. Ike ran up to his opponent, jumped up in the air, and…
Fuck.
Great Aether didn’t activate. Dammit. Ah, well, the savestate was reloaded. Maybe this time? No? Fuck.
After about fifty tries, Great Aether activated and Ike, triumphant, jammed his sword into Stalin’s spine, killing the dictator instantly. Everyone let out a massive cheer, and the reward of Geoffrey was to not have ‘fuck him’ after his name for a whole 24 hours! Isn’t Geoffrey lucky? Unfortunately for him, this story is almost over, so the author guesses he doesn’t get to enjoy it much, does he? Poor Geoffrey.
In any case, celebrations were had, everyone was happy, Poroshenko got Crimea back and won the next election, the Romanovs were restored in Russia (the author is, after all, a monarchist) and Ike and the Greil Mercenaries prepared to go home.
Suddenly, though, Obama came running breathlessly up to them. “Um, uh, let me be clear,” the President began, “wait!”
“What is it now?” Ike demanded.
“Well, uh,” Obama replied, “there’s something called ISIS…”

Edited February 1, 2016 by eclipse

[Shadows Interceptor]

You get kudos from me for referring to the "Imperial March" by its proper name! Also, this was hysterical!

[eclipse]

I'M SORRY I TRIED TO MAKE THIS EASIER TO READ BUT THEN I BROKE THE EVERYTHING!

I hereby demand a continuation of this when the new President is elected.

[blah the Prussian]

You get kudos from me for referring to the "Imperial March" by its proper name! Also, this was hysterical!

Thank you very much!

[Kakeyo]

Best line in the whole story:

"Ike and the Greil Mercenaries looked out of the helicopter gunship at the city of Moscow."

I never thought I would read anything like it. xD

Edited February 5, 2016 by Kakeyo

[Freohr Datia]

Oh no Mist, not Serious Discussion!! You poor young child!

(and btw this is quite the unique submission, from what I've read so far. It was silly~)

Edited February 5, 2016 by Freohr Datia

[Balcerzak]

Um, uh, let me be clear, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

[blah the Prussian]

Oh no Mist, not Serious Discussion!! You poor young child!

(and btw this is quite the unique submission, from what I've read so far. It was silly~)

Yep, Mist is about to have her worldview utterly destroyed by Chiki. The poor girl.

[eclipse]

Yep, Mist is about to have her worldview utterly destroyed by Chiki. The poor girl.

Or any of us. We all have our quirks~!

[SaltyBucket]

This is pure gold

[maybe]

this one was pretty funny

i liked the idea of the crimean army going to the actual crimea

i can't say I expected to ever read a story about ike fighting a giant resurrected joseph stalin

definitely one of the best writes i've read so far

why do you hate geoffrey

[blah the Prussian]

this one was pretty funny

i liked the idea of the crimean army going to the actual crimea

i can't say I expected to ever read a story about ike fighting a giant resurrected joseph stalin

definitely one of the best writes i've read so far

why do you hate geoffrey

I was making fun of a certain faction of the fandom's hatred of Geoffrey. Honestly, I'm not really sure whether or not I wrote this while on acid.XD

[eclipse]

I was making fun of a certain faction of the fandom's hatred of Geoffrey. Honestly, I'm not really sure whether or not I wrote this while on acid.XD

Sometimes you should listen to the third party.

[Serpent of Sheol]

Um, uh, let me be clear, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

literally me this entire fic

i

ily, author

this is up there in my top favorite pieces of literature

with such great works like my immortal

i

this is a masterpiece

[Kinumi]

i would like to profess my love

[Meldorn]

I love a story that doesn't take itself seriously, and yet still works as a narrative. You struck that balance very well, and it sounds like you had fun with it too :P. Great job!

[blah the Prussian]

I love a story that doesn't take itself seriously, and yet still works as a narrative. You struck that balance very well, and it sounds like you had fun with it too :P. Great job!

Oh, I absolutely had fun with it.

[Jotari]

Huh. A Path of Radiance fic. I wonder what aspect of the story it will focus on. *clicks*

April, 2014, Presidential Palace, Kiev, Ukraine, Earth

...Yeah. Don't need to look at the comments. I know exactly who wrote this.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Jotari

[blah the Prussian]

Huh. A Path of Radiance fic. I wonder what aspect of the story it will focus on. *clicks*

April, 2014, Presidential Palace, Kiev, Ukraine, Earth

...Yeah. Don't need to look at the comments. I know exactly who wrote this.

There really should be a like button on SF.

[Jotari]

There really should be a like button on SF.

I have often thought that myself.

[Clarinets]

this is ridiculous

I love it

[blah the Prussian]

Thanks to everyone who voted for this. I'm too lazy to check if this actually won, but I don't care; having fun writing this and knowing that people had fun reading this is good enough for me!

[Meldorn]

I think it's tied for 25th if you combine both writes and misc. If you're only looking at writes, then it's tied for 12th.

[blah the Prussian]

Awesome, it made it to the finals. Come on, guys! Make this the little story that could!

[Ysrae]

This is so awesome I made an account just to say how awesome it is.