Poem Tools of War

[Tangerine]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1x39hV0ZEzDJuBt7kS-Knv8mcazAf7o7Rk6gfXAnGEWc/edit?pref=2&pli=1 Edited February 3, 2016 by Balcerzak

[PeaceRibbon]

So excited to share my work with you guys! I hope you all like something about the poem, and thanks for giving it a look. I'm open to any questions you have about my piece.

Edited February 3, 2016 by PeaceRibbon

[Balcerzak]

Several of the syllable patterns seem to be forced, and I'd recommend some of the following changes, personally.

[spoiler=the original haikus]The Tools of War

A set of haikus about the weapons of Fire Emblem

By PeaceRibbon

The hero charges forth

His sword cuts fast and precise

Protecting his lands

The weapon’s storied past

Of choosing its rightful heir

Made real amidst the battle

His guards on their steeds

Thrust their slender lances out

Defending their liege

Balanced soldiers

With utmost loyalty fight now

Piercing all their doubts

A brash fighter swings

An axe of frightening harm

Enjoying the war’s thrill

The woodcutter’s finest

Now a voice for their ideals

Bravely enters the fray

The comfort of distance

Provides archers the power

To finish the wounded

Their aim truest of all

With bows delicately strung

Supporting from the rear

Though in armor thick

The strongest fall to a boy’s hand

Carrying only a book

The key to arcane feats

Inscribed upon each tome

Bring wonder to the duel

When gashes appear

Bestowed by the enemy’s cold steel

A soft light heals them

Despite their meekness

Clergy with staff in hand follow

To end the suffering

When the dust had cleared

The hero’s men were exhausted

Yet much relieved

And so the orchestra

Of talents head to war’s end

Beneath the blazing crest

For haikus I've always been told to keep to 5 7 5 (ideally including a seasonal reference, but let's ignore that for now)

First haiku, first line:

The lord sallies forth

While your initial "charges" can sort of be slurred into a one syllable that would allow you to use a two syllabled "hero", it felt a little unnatural to me.

Your second haiku has a rougher time of it, with both the first and last lines straining:

The blade's storied past

helps cut a syllable and keep it to five, while

Made real midst battle

shaves enough in the final to bring it too into line.

The third haiku doesn't have any rhyming issues, but as a matter of personal preference I feel the middle line would flow a little better if rearranged to

Thrust out their slender lances

keeping the descriptive modifier "out" closer to the verb "thrust" just feels better to me, I'm sure there's some grammar principle behind it, but I don't know what it is.

The fourth haiku again has a syllable issue, a quick fix might be:

Soldiers in balance

but I haven't honestly given this one a lot of thought to see if it works in context.

For the fifth you'd cut the 'the' to keep the final line to five syllables.

The sixth one again has some problems, and a bit of ambiguity this time as well. Initially I thought the woodcutter's finest referred to his axe, but then it seems later it's a person? My attempt doesn't fix everything, but might have been something like

The woodcutter's pride

Embodying their ideals

Now upholds their cause

Next I'd tweak to:

Comforting distance

Provides archers the power

To end wounded foes

I might even consider for the middle line "affords archers position", but that's personal preference butting in again.

For the next one "Supporting from the rear" is again too long, so maybe just cut the "ing"?

Then again the next one is a mess of syllables. Consider:

Encased in armor

The stalwart has fallen to

A boy with a book

The next might become:

Tomes provide the key

To unlocking arcane feats

What wondrous duels

though that's a fairly liberal departure from your original, it does bring it in-line with convention.

The middle line in the next drags on longer than allowed as well. Consider "Gifts from the enemy's steel"

Some tweaks to the next would provide a compliant:

Despite their meekness

With staff in hand the clergy

Ease the suffering

Change the last two lines of the penultimate to:

The lord's men were exhausted

Yet found great relief

which would bring it in-line with our early substitution of "hero" to "lord" as well as get the syllables in order.

I'm not entirely sure what you wanted to accomplish in the final haiku, but I attempted something I hope might be similar in theme:

Thus this ensemble,

Assorted talents of war,

Rest 'neath blazing crest

Many apologies for the lengthy technical criticisms of your work, but I must say that I do like the composition and the driving theme. One after the other you give a pair of haiku for each weapon type, first swords, then lances, then axes, then tomes, then staves, and finally round it off with a pair of finishing stanzas. Please don't be too upset by the criticisms, but I'm kind of a stickler for form in my poetry. I realize that perhaps I've gone too far with the suggestions, but once I started working on them, I found it hard to stop, and it feels like it would go to waste if I said nothing. If you are offended (as I probably would be) please try to accept my sincere apology on that matter, take some time off, and maybe come back in the future and look upon them with a fresh eye?

Edited February 3, 2016 by Balcerzak

[PeaceRibbon]

Please, don't concern yourself with being too critical. This is the first time I've done something like this, so I knew someone who actually knows something about advanced poetry structure would say something to me. To be honest, your impressing me with how many subtle improvements you found. Maybe someday I'll try writing again with a more...professional attitude than "throw together some words that revolve around a central theme and make sure wordcalc.com says I got the number of syllables right". :P

And yeah, I kinda realized stanza six was reeeeealy unclear. I just hoped people are creative enough to make their own interpretations on that part. After all, art's best when it strikes a chord on multiple fronts. Whoops.