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The Last Order


Tangerine
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I don't think I've ever been so happy to see a question mark after the number of chapters. Hell, I'd love it if the entire Wolfguard got this kind of treatment!

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Wow, that actually went to some pretty dark places. I like it! Maybe this is a cop-out, but

"You've got more spirit and bite than a filthy rat. Is it okay for me to call you Wolf instead?"

was probably my favorite bit, right there at the end. There were a few odd turns of phrases throughout, and places I would have written a touch differently, but that's pretty much to be expected of anything I suppose.

Edited by Balcerzak
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Thank you all for the comments - it means a lot! As eclipse was quick to point out, this was initially going to be a one-shot and for this contest works as one, but there's still a lot more to come once I get the ideas down.

@Balcerzak: Thanks for your thoughts, I'd like to hear what suggestions you have. I'm all ears for concrit and could do with brushing up on the skill a bit!

Edit: For the avoidance of doubt, only the first chapter was uploaded as the entry. I've now updated the AO3 to be where I'm at, but I will upload to the written sections part in due course (which, to be honest, I knew existed but didn't know how it worked!).

Edited by Crazy Foxie
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  • 2 weeks later...

@Balcerzak: Thanks for your thoughts, I'd like to hear what suggestions you have. I'm all ears for concrit and could do with brushing up on the skill a bit!

I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. I notice you're in the UK, so I'm not sure how much of this is regional difference or not, but here's the things that stood out to me.

I expected that every other estate owned by aristocrats were about the same.

was about the same

Every is always followed by a singular verb

I conserved my energy to wait for the master's return, the sword I had retrieved from a hanger close to me.

return, keeping the sword

At first glance it feels slightly ambiguous whether it was the hanger that was close to Wolf, or the sword. Context and a little more thought implies the sword. I think adding a verb in that clause helps to clarify, but that might just be me.

The door handle rattled, and then more frantically as the intruder noticed it wasn't opening.

The door handle rattled a bit at first, and then more

something feels funny to me about how your comparison here is initially written, as the first mention of rattling lacks any adjective at all. I don't think it's technically wrong, but it's not how I would have written or recommended it.

I eyed the sturdy bolt, as though willpower alone was enough to ensure it didn't break away from the frame.

I stared at the sturdy bolt, as if my willpower alone would be enough to ensure

A lot of little things all rolled together here. I don't feel that "eyed" conveys the right level of intensity for the situation. I'm honestly not sure the difference between "as if" and "as though", and they might even be used differently across the pond, but "as if" feels more natural to me. As far as "was" vs "would be", I feel the latter fits a little better here, but again cannot put my finger on exactly why.

Evidently it was not an answer he hoped, but it was the truth.

Evidently it was not the answer he'd hoped for, but

While I guess I could see "an" technically working here, I'm much more comfortable with "the" here. The phrase also feels incomplete without "for" and I felt like the tense needed a little fixing.

I was a disgrace to Master Pelham, but I will endure all that was to come for him.

but for him I would endure all that was to come.

I feel like again, the initial placement of "for him" created unnecessary ambiguity.

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No that's not regional difference - that's just odd writing from me XD Thank you so much for the comments, I completely agree with what you've mentioned and have updated it accordingly!

If anyone's interested, I'm currently uploading in the WW section now, where the overall title is The Wolf Complex.

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