Story Everything Went Dark: White Rabbits, White Lies

[Tangerine]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12x5RftpUutWbjc-8HDGEmKiTJAFdfan2Vo9B4ljUEeU/edit?pref=2&pli=1

[Jedi]

Really well written and a nice look into Nyx's character. Quite the nice read :)

[Meldorn]

I appreciate the spoiler-free nature of your story :P. It's nice to experience the world of Fates, and one of its characters, without having to worry about that. First of all, I loved the story. Excellent technique, good imagery and all that. The scope of the story is rather small, however, and I was left wanting more. That's both a good and a bad thing, I suppose. I feel like this could easily be turned into a larger story, of which this is a chapter. If you ever do decide to extend it, I would love to read the new version.

I was especially impressed with your atmosphere. I always had a very clear picture of where the main character was, what it looked like, and how it felt. An excellent short story. Good luck! You've got a vote from me.

[Kinumi]

whoever wrote this is incredible at scene-setting

[Balcerzak]

First things first, I find using italics to offset "thought dialogue" is a lazy way out and should be avoided. Second, while you do an okay job with your scene setting and explanations in some places, you definitely cut corners in others. For example:

Well into the town proper, Nyx looked around for a tavern. While she normally despised such locales, she had to admit that they were an excellent starting point for gathering information and acquainting oneself with local folklore.

Having identified the tavern, Nyx headed towards it.

You completely skip over her finding the tavern. She starts looking, she moves toward it. What does it look like, what crazy name is advertised on the wooden sign swinging above its door? Tell us about the patrons she sees immediately upon stepping inside. Keep working and you can do better!

Also, it's way too convenient that the current conversation she stumbles across is exactly related to the information she's hoping to seek out. The odds of that happening are slim to none. Your hero is probably going to need to coax that information out by buying some drinks and carefully guiding the topic of conversation, not just sitting there like a fly on the wall while everyone else does the work for her.

There are a couple other things that bother me, but otherwise it was a pretty enjoyable romp of a story.

Edited February 6, 2016 by Balcerzak

[Xaos Steel Wing]

With the contest coming to a close, I would like to thank everyone who read my story. I was pleasantly surprised with how many people voted for it in the first round and making it to the finals. It truly does mean a lot to me, it really does, knowing that so many enjoyed my story.

@Jedi and bling: Thank you for your kind comments!

@Meldorn: Thank you very much. I'm glad you appreciated it and that you liked my work on the setting and atmosphere! Indeed, my goal was to write a Fates story without knowing the plot of Fates, so a character focused story I thought was the best way.

If you were wanting more, you're in luck: I did end up turning this into a series!

You can find it here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11700605/1/Everything-Went-Dark

It's a series of episodes from the life of Nyx, dealing with her struggle to come to terms with her curse, her past, and her future. The submission here is the second chapter, but it was written as a standalone episode from the life of Nyx, if you will (which explains the scope that you mentioned).

@Balcerzak: Thank you for the critique. I do honestly appreciate it, it's rather rare that someone provides me with some honest criticism and suggestions for how I could improve, so I welcome it.

I personally like using italics to denote thought in this story/series. It allows me to reveal more about Nyx's perspective, as this is a story focused completely on one character and her adventures, without affecting the flow or pace of the story too much. I feel if I tried putting her thoughts in quotes and treating it like dialogue, using descriptions such as "she thought", "she mused", "she wondered" it would bog things down a bit.

You're right in that I could have done more with the scene in the village and the tavern. Perhaps it was even a missed opportunity. While I don't feel that part was particularly important to the overall story, I probably rushed it a bit in my excitement to get to the mystical, magical parts later on. I should have written it to the level of detail as I had throughout the rest of the story, maybe I did a cut a corner there.

Also, it's way too convenient that the current conversation she stumbles across is exactly related to the information she's hoping to seek out. The odds of that happening are slim to none. Your hero is probably going to need to coax that information out by buying some drinks and carefully guiding the topic of conversation, not just sitting there like a fly on the wall while everyone else does the work for her.

It was my intention to imply that she initially had difficulty getting people to talk about it, but after a while and some drinks she did get it out of them; very much like you suggested. If that wasn't clear and you ended up misunderstanding that part, then that's my failure to adequately describe what happened. Looking back, indeed I rushed through that part in few lines, I could definitely have done more with it.

Thank you for your feedback. If you do have any more suggestions, as you hint at, I will gladly hear them out.

Edited February 17, 2016 by XaosLogos