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For the Living

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Really liked this line:

"For now, it was a labyrinth of life"

(And the song lyrics)

And the "Marx" name reference was amusing. :3

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Really liked this line:

"For now, it was a labyrinth of life"

(And the song lyrics)

And the "Marx" name reference was amusing. :3

Glad you like it!

But the "Labyrinth of Life" thing isn't a reference to Persona Q, if anyone come to think like that.

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Glad you like it!

But the "Labyrinth of Life" thing isn't a reference to Persona Q, if anyone come to think like that.

I've never played Persona Q, I just thought it was a nice turn of phrase.

It's easy to look at a painting/drawing and compliment the use of color or composition, but writing has its own unique challenges - writing a coherent story and narrative is difficult, and make eloquent sentences for that story is just another component of the art. I figured I should strive to see the artistry in the written works just as much as the drawings, so I commented on your intriguing expression. :3

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As far as spoilers go, I can't comment for sure, but it certainly feels like there are some in there.

As far as the writing, it's really weird to me. There a lot of places where it's done really well, and catches me by surprise using vocabulary I've never heard before, and have to look up to make sure is correct. But then in other, really simple places, it trips up over itself.

Also, it could be my unfamiliarity with Fates, but on more than one occasion I found myself completely lost and unable to follow what was going on.

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No, not really. Just the tidbits that you can read pretty much everywhere online.

I read a bit of it now, but I stopped at the part involving the queen because I was worried about getting into major spoiler territory. The fight between Xander and Ryoma was eloquently written though. I found myself reading it out loud. I hope these submissions will get archived after the contest, because I think I would enjoy reading this after I've played through the game.

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Awesome story! Would you mind if I posted some constructive feedback?

In fact, I'd be extremely graceful if you do that!

As far as spoilers go, I can't comment for sure, but it certainly feels like there are some in there.

As far as the writing, it's really weird to me. There a lot of places where it's done really well, and catches me by surprise using vocabulary I've never heard before, and have to look up to make sure is correct. But then in other, really simple places, it trips up over itself.

Also, it could be my unfamiliarity with Fates, but on more than one occasion I found myself completely lost and unable to follow what was going on.

Can you tell me where is the problem? I'm also not very satisfy with the quality of the work (it was written down in less than a day, too haste for my pace).

I voted for this story! It's surprisingly original! And it managed to make me lost!

Can you please make a short summary?

Thank you!

The short version: After the battle with Anakos, Corrin was killed in a moment of carelessness by the dragon in his last breath. By his request, he was put on a leaked boat and left to be submerged into a certain lake (where Aqua should had suicided there)

The story deals mainly with how his comrades and family deal with the death of a close one. In the end, everyone moves on, with different levels of difficulty - especially his children. The italic part on the start of the story is when everybody surrounded Corrin's body, while Kanna went berserk. Shigure used Yato to stop his sister, and succeeded; however, the sword rejected him outright.

(It's the Lunar New Year in Vietnam, so what is better to write about the triumphant of life? Specifically, it was written around the date of the Vernal Commences/beginning of spring in the lunar calendar.)

There are some parts (e.g Aqua and Flora live, the latter even married Jakob, e.t.c) that may come as unfamiliar to you. That is because this work is extracted and modified from a bigger story of mine (basically chronicallized and merged all three routes into a coherence story). So yes, the story has another layer of inherent cryptic beside the author's intention,

Edited by False Prophet

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First off, great job! This is extremely good for having been written in a day. Heck, this is really good for a week's worth of writing. In terms of quality, you have little to worry about. Your execution of the setting and mood--that feeling of post-war trauma where the world is still dazed from conflict--is excellent. Your writing all throughout was thoroughly enjoyable as well. Like Balcerzak, I felt like the word choice was rather complicated--I had to look up quite a few words too--but that's not really a problem. It's impressive, but it breaks the flow of your reader's attention if they have to look too many words up xD.

While the quality of the writing rarely falls short, the context of the writing and its plot progression were a bit confusing at times. Seeing that the entirety of the plot is the ceremony and the day leading up to it, your piece was incredibly strong when it focused on that event specifically. The atmosphere was perfect. However, when you broke that focus, it was a bit disorienting as a reader, especially since most of your readers are not familiar with Fates. In an otherwise emotional piece about a single event (the funeral) and the atmosphere surrounding it, Soleil's scenes were distracting to me, and drew my attention and emotion away from the tragedy and to what appeared to be a subplot. I didn't know where you were going with those scenes, as they had little bearing to the main plot event, and by the end I still didn't know how they affected the narrative. It seemed like a parallel storyline, not one that weaved into the first. And at that, a parallel storyline that was not as emotionally impactful as the main event. Again, your writing was not bad at any point in this story. It was amazing, and I'm low-key jealous xD. What's more, I haven't played Fates, so I might just be confused because I don't understand the context of the story. I just think it might have been more impactful if you hadn't drawn the reader's attention away from the weight of the death in question, and to an event with little bearing to it. If Soleil is important to the plot, it would be helpful to clarify how she ties in, beyond being the lover of a main character's child. In terms of the other scenes, I found the eldest siblings' sparring match only mildly distracting, and the tavern scene fit in perfectly. It's mostly the scene of the three girls talking that seemed out of place--a gossipy, girly scene amidst funeral preparations. And it certainly seemed strange to end on that subplot with your last scene after the supposed climax of the funeral.

Hopefully that helps a little bit. All that to say, the story is awesome. With a little more emotionally consistency and a bit more context for the reader (if that's possible without breaking the flow of your narrative), I think it would be perfect. In fact, all the extra scenes that found their way into the story reminded me of a novel. It feels like this is just a small snapshot of a larger story that we can't see at the moment. If all these different subplots had been developed on their own, and were simply being referenced here, they would totally work. Because again, even in the scenes unrelated to the funeral, the writing is great. And it feels like all these scenes work together. But with the information I have, I just can't tell how they all relate. Seeing that I have no context of the larger story, it's just hard to put the pieces together. Even that gives the piece a sense of mystery that lends to its atmosphere. You don't know exactly what's going on or what has happened--you're just experiencing the raw emotions of the characters. That's the strength of the piece, so I would be wary about changing much. Just a little hint of context here and there should clue us in without spoiling that sense of mystery :P. A sentence here and there, subtly explaining relationships between characters, or previous plot events you're referencing, should do the trick.

Goodness, I'm wordy right now. I'm gonna stop. Again, awesome job--and take all that with a grain of salt, because I loved the story. Hopefully this helps a bit.

EDIT: Just saw your post saying this is part of a larger story of yours. That would explain the cohesiveness of your writing and why it all the scenes feel like they make sense together even if I have no clue why xD.
Edited by Meldorn

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First off, great job! This is extremely good for having been written in a day. Heck, this is really good for a week's worth of writing. In terms of quality, you have little to worry about. Your execution of the setting and mood--that feeling of post-war trauma where the world is still dazed from conflict--is excellent. Your writing all throughout was thoroughly enjoyable as well. Like Balcerzak, I felt like the word choice was rather complicated--I had to look up quite a few words too--but that's not really a problem. It's impressive, but it breaks the flow of your reader's attention if they have to look too many words up xD.

While the quality of the writing rarely falls short, the context of the writing and its plot progression were a bit confusing at times. Seeing that the entirety of the plot is the ceremony and the day leading up to it, your piece was incredibly strong when it focused on that event specifically. The atmosphere was perfect. However, when you broke that focus, it was a bit disorienting as a reader, especially since most of your readers are not familiar with Fates. In an otherwise emotional piece about a single event (the funeral) and the atmosphere surrounding it, Soleil's scenes were distracting to me, and drew my attention and emotion away from the tragedy and to what appeared to be a subplot. I didn't know where you were going with those scenes, as they had little bearing to the main plot event, and by the end I still didn't know how they affected the narrative. It seemed like a parallel storyline, not one that weaved into the first. And at that, a parallel storyline that was not as emotionally impactful as the main event. Again, your writing was not bad at any point in this story. It was amazing, and I'm low-key jealous xD. What's more, I haven't played Fates, so I might just be confused because I don't understand the context of the story. I just think it might have been more impactful if you hadn't drawn the reader's attention away from the weight of the death in question, and to an event with little bearing to it. If Soleil is important to the plot, it would be helpful to clarify how she ties in, beyond being the lover of a main character's child. In terms of the other scenes, I found the eldest siblings' sparring match only mildly distracting, and the tavern scene fit in perfectly. It's mostly the scene of the three girls talking that seemed out of place--a gossipy, girly scene amidst funeral preparations. And it certainly seemed strange to end on that subplot with your last scene after the supposed climax of the funeral.

Hopefully that helps a little bit. All that to say, the story is awesome. With a little more emotionally consistency and a bit more context for the reader (if that's possible without breaking the flow of your narrative), I think it would be perfect. In fact, all the extra scenes that found their way into the story reminded me of a novel. It feels like this is just a small snapshot of a larger story that we can't see at the moment. If all these different subplots had been developed on their own, and were simply being referenced here, they would totally work. Because again, even in the scenes unrelated to the funeral, the writing is great. And it feels like all these scenes work together. But with the information I have, I just can't tell how they all relate. Seeing that I have no context of the larger story, it's just hard to put the pieces together. Even that gives the piece a sense of mystery that lends to its atmosphere. You don't know exactly what's going on or what has happened--you're just experiencing the raw emotions of the characters. That's the strength of the piece, so I would be wary about changing much. Just a little hint of context here and there should clue us in without spoiling that sense of mystery :P. A sentence here and there, subtly explaining relationships between characters, or previous plot events you're referencing, should do the trick.

Goodness, I'm wordy right now. I'm gonna stop. Again, awesome job--and take all that with a grain of salt, because I loved the story. Hopefully this helps a bit.

EDIT: Just saw your post saying this is part of a larger story of yours. That would explain the cohesiveness of your writing and why it all the scenes feel like they make sense together even if I have no clue why xD.

You're spot on! I also don't like the part with Soleil, Matoi and Ophelia - I'd have removed it if not for the end of the story calls for an explanation on how did Soleil get pregnant.

(In the original, Shigure asked Hana - Corrin's concubine/second wife to take the throne, while he himself traveled to the realm of the divine dragon. But going with that ending would make the work an even bigger quagmire.)

Oh, and the praises shouldn't fall solely on me. I did asked two of my good friends from the fanfiction.net community to proofread it, both of them are highly accomplished writers of their own: SuperiorDimwit and Wavehawk00

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