The Wolf Complex (FE1/3)

[Crazy Foxie]

Sorry for the late update...again. I had a bit of a writer's block with this one, and it took me a while to work out what message I wanted to convey. I'm still very much keen to get this all down, even if I am destroying my favourite character time and time again.

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Chapter 26: The Repercussions of Standing Out

"Are you sure you don't want anything for yourself?"

I took the plate from Heather's clutches, ignoring the dull heat that dug into my palm. Just looking at the food was making me less hungry.

Heather gave a fleeting look at the person next to me queued up for his dinner, but that was the most attention that he had received. "It's good of you to look after Sedgar, but you need something as well. Come on, a few vegetables?"

She was trying to make up for her previous blunder to make herself feel better. I wasn't having any of it.

I turned on my heel with Sedgar's dinner securely in both hands with the fork and knife stowed safely underneath. I kept my eyes firmly on the floor as I weaved through the masses of burly and smelly men already tucking into their greasy meat. The steam breathed from the meal, but it only made me feel worse, and I couldn't wait to be relieved of it.

Sedgar was often prone to illnesses, but he had also recently become accident prone as well. Where Vyland was a blundering idiot by nature, Sedgar had become increasingly negligent in his training. Although, most infuriatingly, he was quick to pick up where he left off even after weeks of not training, he often pushed himself to the limits and further. I had watched his fall from start to end, but all things considered, Sedgar was lucky to get away with a bruised head, a broken wrist and fractured collarbone. In the first few hours of his recovery, he was delirious and talked excessively about bizarre things that weren't entirely out of his regime, but fortunately he hadn't suffered serious brain damage.

The barracks didn't really have a hospital per se, and whilst there were doctors and physicians around the castle that tended to the soldiers, ultimate treatment came from each of the dormitories. Sedgar had been in my charge, much like Zed was in Fraser's. I knew nothing of first aid (and even Sedgar had agreed Vyland was not a safe option), so Sedgar was the one giving me pointers as I changed his dressings or set his pillow to be more comfortable. He had spent no more than a week taking it easy, but nothing could keep him down for much longer than that.

Although he was far from full health again, he made every effort to mask his struggles.

He caught my eye mid-conversation and offered his usual smile.

"You're the best, Wolf," he said as I placed the cutlery and meal before him. He furrowed his eyebrows. "Where's yours?"

A shrug was the only response I gave him. I rubbed my hand on my sleeve hesitantly now it was no longer burning from the warm porcelain. My eyes darted at the men who had especially made room for Sedgar as we had passed through and wanted to hear all about his accident from the top. I had no right to impose. "I'll..."

"Hey, sit yourself down." Sedgar pointed his finger at the seat opposite him. "You know Gustav, he won't bite."

My fingers curled as I tried to come up with something to excuse myself with. I had nothing against Gustav (in fact, his skill with a javelin was something I held respect for), but I didn't deserve to be there. "There's no merit in my partaking."

Sedgar rolled his eyes as he picked up his fork with his only free hand. It was hard to tell how long it would take before his broken wrist could take any proper weight, and it was only then I realised the knife was probably unnecessary. "Wolf, I won't tell you again." He looked across at his peers on the table. "Help me out here, guys."

With a few more vigorous nods and several lighthearted remarks along the lines of united invitation, I realised there was never a choice in the matter.

As I perched at the end of the table, Gustav clapped a hand across my shoulder as if I had done an entire day's work. I kept my eyes firmly on the deep groves across the pine surface as I tried not to concentrate on his bad breath. I could very easily lose my temper here, I had had a few outbreaks when sparring the unprepared or preventing accidents of the incompetent, but I needed to maintain composure.

Sedgar wanted me here for a reason, but I had yet to figure out why.

He grinned opposite me as Gustav rubbed my shoulder with too much energy before he resumed the conversation right where he left off. "Anyway, long story short, wasn't the horse's problem but entirely my fault. It had been raining the night before, ergo the soft landing. By Naga though, I needed a really good bath afterwards!"

The woman next to Sedgar, Ida, was the first to laugh at the incredibly bad joke. "I can imagine!"

Sedgar shrugged. "Unfortunately my clothes weren't as lucky. No matter how much we scrubbed, there's always going to be remnants of mud." He caught my eye and in the briefest of moments he looked like he was about to ask me something, but he never followed through. "Save for that, you're all stuck with me."

Ida swept her long locks to one side. "It's good to have you round again. How long do you think it'd take until you're fully recovered?"

"Not long, I hope. The sooner I can get back on the horse, the better." Sedgar continued to poke at his casserole.

Gustav laughed. "Poor horse. You'll get no sympathy from me. Only an idiot would have a novice fall like that."

"Thanks for reminding me," he said airily. Sedgar wrinkled his nose and grimaced, as though the very sight of the watery soup was making him nauseated. In itself, the sloppy mixture looked like something he had brought up earlier in he week. His mouth twisted as he pulled bits of meat off in tiny strips. He looked up in disgust, and I knew what he was thinking.

I gave him a pointed look. I had no intention of saying anything to the effect of forcing him to eat, but Sedgar knew exactly what was on my mind. I was not the best example, but he needed food to keep him going. His energy had depreciated considerably from the number of times he had popped his collarbone in an irrational attempt to get better quickly. He was never going to mention it to Ida, but it wasn't a matter of how long it took his body to recover, but that he needed to recover quickly. It was one of the few things I could comprehend about Sedgar.

"Truth is, my time out has given me time to think," he continued placidly. "I've come to realise that we're all in the same boat. We all started our careers in the army much later than those in King Baelis' battalions, or any army in the continent for that matter, but we hold more experience or talent than any of them. Together, we have built a solid empire out of nothing."

Gustav nodded slowly. "We are getting a little big to still be the underdogs."

"Exactly. We're loyal to Coyote, but technically we still fall as part of King Baelis' army. Every mission we receive is in the interest of Aurelis. Some assignments are Coyote's initiatives, but I think it's high time he commands us as his own rather than running things through his brother." Sedgar managed a bit of carrot before continuing. "You don't think it's too bold?"

I was almost tempted to reply. If Coyote was to be removed from the picture, we had no obligation to serve Aurelis. We served the country that had held us hostage because it was an extension of Coyote.

"What about Nestor?" The rugged man beside Ida had finally spoke up, and he leaned forwards slightly as he addressed Sedgar. I couldn't recall his name; evidently he hadn't created much of an impression on me. "Would he allow it?"

"He acts as an advisor for the family and addresses all matters of management, including the army factions. He'd allow it if Coyote puts up a strong enough case. As Gustav said, we've already become much bigger than we anticipated. Nestor may be relieved to have one less thing to worry about." The others nodded in agreement to Sedgar's words, and the man at the end seemed satisfied with the answer.

"You're cutting the chain of command between Coyote and his brother, which puts Coyote into a stronger position of power. If you did that, he'd be more politically exposed. By saying Coyote deserves more, it could easily instil fear that he will usurp his brother rather than rule alongside him."

Sedgar looked across at me slowly. He seemed a bit taken aback by my comments. "Do you think that Nestor would consider Coyote a threat?"

I could see them all waiting for my reply. Gustav returned to his casserole, but his head was turned ever so slightly to show that he was listening. "I'm only saying that there's a risk and Nestor needs to account for those risks. Once you've tasted power, it's human nature to want more." I could see corruption long before it came. Master Pelham always had a knack of it too; maybe that was where my scepticism came from. I looked at each of the soldiers round the table in turn, from Sedgar's look of concern to Gustav's disinterested one. "At the rate we're going, do you think we could rival King Baelis' men? I do, without a doubt."

"Listen to yourself," Sedgar interrupted. "We're not turning on one another."

"I'm being realistic. It's a possibility worth considering." I got onto my feet. My input wasn't necessary; that wasn't what I was supposed to do. Sedgar had wanted me to agree.

"Sorry Wolf, you're right. I wish I could be more like you."

I narrowed my eyes. No one wanted to be like me; that's why Sedgar was trying so hard to make me like everyone else.

I couldn't connect or associate with people the way he wanted me to. My mind raced in my brief moments of idleness. I recounted pointless phrases in the midst of training, only to recall in the late hours at night which textbook I had got that information from. I could spend hours nitpicking at what techniques were wrong simply because it bothered me to no end, and more often than not I grew frustrated trying to correct those who were adamant they were right. I needed control and systematic order, and just as I obtain it, everything crumbles before my eyes.

It was a drastic mechanism I had come up with to fulfil my duty to serve Coyote, and I despised it. Even if I could, I'd never allow Sedgar to be like me.

"I wish I could be objective and smart like you. Sometimes you're so brutally honest it hurts, but I don't mind. I don't mind because it's the way you are. You apply yourself in training and learning because it's the only way you can express yourself. Before I realised it, you had already surpassed me." He raised his injured arm slightly. "Do you know the real reason how I got this? Trying to keep up with you."

"Don't use me as an excuse," I said tersely. I was nothing exceptional, no one worthy of being made an idol of. I merely existed to earn my survival. I dedicated every bead of sweat and blood to Coyote because he acquired me.

Ida leaned to one side to catch my eye. She didn't seem to mind how her shoulder brushed Sedgar's. "It's a compliment to be an inspiration to others. It's a good thing. I want to shoot as well as you and Sedgar one day, even if it takes me years."

I looked across at Gustav to shut him down as he too tried to intervene. I didn't want to be admired by them, or even acknowledged. I had no need of praise, not from them. All I needed was Coyote to know I was at his disposal and to meet his every requirement.

I jolted as Gustav made to grab my shoulder and took a few steps away from the table before he could attempt again. Conversation died down instantly as the back of my foot noisily crashed against a table leg. Soldiers on the neighbouring tables looked up at the commotion.

My fingers found their way round the wooden edge behind me as I looked for my escape route. They were all watching me with that pained look, the same stares I had been seeing for months on end. I had never been surrounded by so many judgmental eyes, so many unknown thoughts running through their minds. I never stood out, but I could say now, after finally experiencing it, that I hated that too.

Edited January 15, 2017 by Crazy Foxie