Jump to content

Nyx Recruitment Dialogue Rewrite


しどう
 Share

Recommended Posts

I was...disturbed by the conversation your main character has when recruiting Nyx. There was a lot of subtle innuendo, and I just didn't really like it.

So, I thought it was fair game for a rewrite.

(Also sorry if this wasn't posted in the right place.)

My version:

1)Kamui: Excuse me, Miss...?
2)???: ...
3)Kamui: ...Miss! A battlefield is no place for a young lady to be lollygagging.
4)Kamui: You should really get to a safe place until the fighting is over.
5)???: ...L-Loli... What exactly are you insinuating, you beast?
6)Kamui: Ah-, uh...S-Sorry, I wasn't trying to be untoward.
7)???: Well, you managed to insult and irritate me in one remark.
8)???: Haa...I suppose that's how children are. Begone now child.
9)Kamui: Wait, child...? But aren't you also-
10)???: Appearances can be deceiving.
11)???: ...I'm afraid my situation is beyond your ability to comprehend.
12)???: Furthermore, I simply wish to be left alone.
13)???: Is that really too much to ask?
14)Kamui: ...Forgive me.
15)Kamui: Were we under different circumstances, I wouldn't seek to displace you.
16)Kamui: However, given that I am leading the Nohrian forces against the Hoshidans, I feel respsonsible for all the lives involved, especially civilians.
17)Kamui: Please leave this place. I don't want to see you or any innocents hurt.
18)???: ...Innocent...
19)???: You say you lead the Nohrian forces. What's your name?
19)Kamui: My name is Kamui. I was charged with suppressing this area by the King of Nohr himself.
20)Kamui: Although, I would have preferred diplomacy...
21)???: Kamui. You may call me Nyx.
22)Kamui: I'm sorry to ask this of you, Nyx.
23)Kamui: But please understand. If you're concerned about getting away safely, you can stay with us until the fighting is over.
24)Nyx: ...
25)Nyx: You have good eyes.
26)Kamui: ...P-Pardon me?
27)Nyx: I haven't really socialized with people in a long time.
28)Nyx: But even someone like me can tell that you're truly concerned about the well-being of others.
29)Kamui: I want to help as many people as I can; however that may be.
30)Nyx: ...
31)Nyx: ...Goodness. I can't remember the last time I spoke so much, and to such a precocious child, moreover...
32)Kamui: ...
33)Nyx: ...Very well, I have decided to join your forces: under one condition.
34)Kamui: OK, name it.
35)Nyx: The Hoshidans seem to have taken a young woman captive some time ago. Their intentions...seemed malicious.
36)Nyx: I would see you keep to your word.
37)Nyx: Help me save her from captivity.
38)Kamui: Of course. We should make haste then.
39)Nyx: ...And, Kamui?
40)Kamui: Yes?
41)Nyx: Regard me as a child at your own peril. I will curse you into oblivion...should you forget.
42)Kamui: Ahaha..ha... You're joking, right...?

Original:

1)K:Hey, miss! What are you doing out here?! You're definitely not a Hoshidan soldier.
2)K:It's dangerous out here, young lady. Come on over to our side, and we'll protect you.
3)K:Your family must be worried sick.
4)N:I am no "young lady," and I neither require nor desire your paltry protection.
5)K:R-really? Are you sure?
6)N:Are you as deaf as you are dumb, boy? Begone before I curse you into oblivion.
7)K:Boy?! You're one to talk! You look about the same age as my little sister.
8)N:Appearances can be deceiving, child.
9)N:I'm afraid my situation is beyond your ability to comprehend.
10)N:All I want is to live in solitude and to avoid the harsh gaze of the world around me...
11)N:Is that really too much to ask?
12)K:Live in solitude? Does that mean...you're all alone? Don't you have a family?
13)N:My family left a very long time ago. They were...frightened of me and my abilities.
14)N:They thought I was strange... Maybe I am. Who needs a family anyway.
15)N:I-I'm not sure why I told you all that... Your eyes are very trustworthy and calming.
16)N:So yes, intrusive stranger. I am all alone and shall remain so for all my days.
17)K:No, I can't accept that. Why don't you join my team? We'll be your family from now on.
18)N:What are you saying?! You know nothing about me or my dark past.
19)K:That's true, but the past doesn't matter. Only the present and the future.
Besides, you can't evade the Hoshidan army all by yourself. You need us.
20)K:Trust me, I know what it's like to feel lost and alone. That's no way to live.
21)K:If my friends and family hadn't come to my aid, I wouldn't be alive right now.
22)K:Everyone needs someone to lean on, stranger. Please join us.
23)N:...
24)K:I really shouldn't leave such a helpless lady alone anyway, haha.
25)N:I already told you I'm much older than I appear! Insolent fool.
26)N:Or perhaps that was...what is it called...a "humorous joke" of some sort?
27)N:Hmmm...
28)N:Maybe you have a point. I suppose it would be advantageous to join you. For now.
29)N:It has been a long while since I had any sort of companionship. It might be...nice.
30)N:Well, fine. Since you insist, I shall join your ranks. Use my powers as you see fit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

> rewrites due to subtle innuendos

> " ...L-Loli..."

other than that, i think it's very good, and i do actually prefer it over the in-game conversation.

Haha, I couldn't help taking a jab at the archetype.

Let me clarify a bit. The original dialogue really disturbed me because Kamui/Corrin came off as really condescending and coercive. Nyx was highly susceptible to suggestion. Both seemed completely out of character to me, and one could easily imagine this entire dialogue as an aggressive pick-up/abduction line.

Maybe they were also trying a parody of how easily a character can be recruited.

Whatever the case, I felt it was poorly executed and absolutely wrong on so many levels...

Anyway, thank you for the feedback! I really appreciate it.

I thought it was better than the actual game dialogue. (Especially referencing Azura - I always thought it was weird no one really mentioned her until after the map)

Thank you, thank you! :)

Yeah, I agree about Azura. It was also not very clear to me why Nyx was on this map to begin with, so I tried to tie things together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...